How do you know when your QLC is ending?

[jrwilheim]

I'm starting to maybe get the the feeling that my quarterlife crisis is ending. I finally have some sense of direction, am getting over the emotional problems that have held me back at work, and possibly in getting work. I finally feel as though I've found a field I could actually imagine working in for 5-10 years without feeling like I'd be losing myself. And for the first time, things feel as if they're going forward.

My question is: how do you know it's really over? When you start looking back on your early 20s and thinking, "Gosh, how could I have been that stupid?" When you think maybe you understand how the world works at least enough to make your way in it? When you stop feeling trapped all the time?

[caostotale]

I'm starting to maybe get the the feeling that my quarterlife crisis is ending. I finally have some sense of direction, am getting over the emotional problems that have held me back at work, and possibly in getting work. I finally feel as though I've found a field I could actually imagine working in for 5-10 years without feeling like I'd be losing myself. And for the first time, things feel as if they're going forward.

My question is: how do you know it's really over? When you start looking back on your early 20s and thinking, "Gosh, how could I have been that stupid?" When you think maybe you understand how the world works at least enough to make your way in it? When you stop feeling trapped all the time?

It's over when a person wakes the f##k up and realizes there's no god-damned salvation to be found acting like they're in their 40s 20 years ahead of time and they revert to their bright-eyed youthful selves again, albeit with more focus from experience. Most people fail to recognize that their 20s are prime years to be learning, experiencing new things, and enjoying life and they wonder why the work world is sucking them dry and their material needs never seem adequately fulfilled. The term "mid-life crisis" pertains to previous generations where the transition to the work world was more commonly made directly out of high school, a considerably easier college life, or from nothing at all. Those people's crisis was put off until they were in their 40s-50s because the world was considerably simpler then. Our generation suffers that early on because the pressures to succeed and emulate our forebears has grown exponentially and social anxieties have come right along with it. People feel like they need to have the world at their feet before they're 30. It doesn't help that the previous mid-life crisised generation is still running the show, holding on to their 20s-30s desparately, and sucking in huge salaries past the age of 60 while our debts pile up in their pockets.

The crisis only ends when you see it for what it is and somehow tell it to go f##k itself. If that means quitting your job, going back to college, leaving the country, telling your friends and family to stop reinforcing it, or putting your head in the oven (preferably in the office kitchenette).

The passive way to end the crisis is to submit to it and simply live with it until you become forty. Then it's legal to claim you've reached your mid-life crisis. But I suppose then, you could say your whole life has been a crisis.

[wordsmith]

Depends on what your crisis is rooted in. Mine was over almost before it started...I was freaked about what to do after college, because I'd student taught my final semester, and knew I didn't wanna do that, but had no real backup plan. About 3 weeks after I graduated, I got accepted into an AmeriCorps type program, so, problem solved, crisis averted. So I had to live with complete uncertainty about my future for about a semester, and a few weeks.

Everybody's different.

[caostotale]

Depends on what your crisis is rooted in.

Everybody's different.

True, some people perceive the crisis as simply an economic one or the anxiety of not having a job. I'd say, for me, this was the impetus of it, but I think it also can have wider dimensions encompassing overall life goals, social anxiety, and existential anxieties in a world that is certainly threatening and uncertain.

I think that for me, it started when I quit my first real job after college because the b.s. was stifling and I hated how miserable everybody was acting so fresh out the doors from school. It ended quickly after that because I lost faith that stressing over my situation (to the point of feeling said crisis) would do anything positive. I may seem supremely nihilistic in most of my threads but I think I've been like this since high school. I think the world's in a state of exponential crisis (especially America) and the quarter-life-crisis just may represent our generation's decision whether or not to fall in step with it.

[wordsmith]

Yeah...any QLC type issue I ever had wasn't centered around my parents not getting me, not being able to move out on my own, love life woes, problems dating, not getting a job in my field, having a hard time adjusting to living on my own, etc., those usual suspects. It was just the career uncertainty thing getting off to a bumpy start. The rest never really affected me much.

[caostotale]

Yeah...any QLC type issue I ever had wasn't centered around my parents not getting me, not being able to move out on my own, love life woes, problems dating, not getting a job in my field, having a hard time adjusting to living on my own, etc., those usual suspects. It was just the career uncertainty thing getting off to a bumpy start. The rest never really affected me much.

That's why I think I'm off the hook. Despite an unfortunate job scenario, I don't really sulk over it at home or feel woe about how far I've gotten in life. I still won't hate or doubt myself if I'm thirty years old and I still don't have tons of cash and an awesome house. I'm faithful that if I find a decent lot in life then all that crap will fall into place. If anything, this site has sharpened my psychological barometer about "things to avoid getting carried away over." I feel like the last thing one needs in their 20s is to wonder if they're experiencing their 20s the socioeconomically or traditionally positive way.

[wordsmith]

In all seriousness, I think one thing that has REALLY benefitted me and my outlook is that I come from an area that is overall representative of a very modest style of living, and not very upwardly mobile in most cases. Even hitting bumps on the road, success is still success, and compared to what a lot of people I know have (or don't have, more appropriately) going on, I've accomplished a lot. There's no real pressure to keep up with anybody, because most people's aspirations are fairly modest, and people as a whole where I'm from aren't that competitive. If I came from a background where there was a lot of measuring one's self against the accomplishments of others, and pressure not to come up lacking, I don't think I'd be so happy. It seems to me like a ton of QLC anxiety comes from putting a lot of emphasis on how you stack up to others in various ways. A bad scene, for sure.

[WorkInProgress]

Or where one feels one "should be" by x time, however that is defined.

[wordsmith]

Some people may find them motivating, but I find arbitrary benchmarks and deadlines for one's personal achievements to be more often negative than positive, overall. But, then, I am very relaxed about goals. I have them, but they're on a pretty loose and adaptable plan, and I'm not above totally revising the game plan without batting an eye.

[caostotale]

Some people may find them motivating, but I find arbitrary benchmarks and deadlines for one's personal achievements to be more often negative than positive, overall. But, then, I am very relaxed about goals. I have them, but they're on a pretty loose and adaptable plan, and I'm not above totally revising the game plan without batting an eye.

They are negative influences indeed. Even if it benefits the person who holds him-/herself up to those standards in the end, they usually have to act like complete maniacs and abuse the people around them directly or indirectly to achieve said standards. I deal with so many people who are mistrusting, scheming pricks who can never be happy to just chill out and cut the self-righteousness. My brother drives me nuts talking about mansions and new cars since he's moved to a white collar town and started working an intense marketing position for some asshole venture capitalist who collects racehorses and has illegal immigrants living on his property to do his bidding. I grew up in a town with a distinct mixture of rich and wannabe-rich and I think they're all a bunch of over-caffeinated mutants who worry too much about the neighbor's Hummer and the brother-in-law's plasma screen to think straight about anything besides more money.

[wordsmith]

Well, and some people really only ARE motivated by setting super strict benchmarks for themselves. I've always been a bit more laissez-fair about the timeline of things. I think the last firm benchmark I had for myself was, "You MUST graduate from college in four years." And even that was really just because my scholarship/grant $$$ was only good for four years, so it wasn't really arbitrary.

[caostotale]

Well, and some people really only ARE motivated by setting super strict benchmarks for themselves. I've always been a bit more laissez-fair about the timeline of things. I think the last firm benchmark I had for myself was, "You MUST graduate from college in four years." And even that was really just because my scholarship/grant $$$ was only good for four years, so it wasn't really arbitrary.

I tried setting the four-year limit on myself in the beginning but somehow forgot to tell myself NOT to change majors three times, so I got out in five years.

I like setting flimsy benchmarks for myself here and there, but I usually forget about them a week after the initial thought. It's like New Year's Resolutions, which have a good chance of being forgotten by the time the New Year's Eve hangover finally wears off.

The laissez-faire approach to anything is generally more productive, as it makes forgetting easy, takes the weight off one's mind, and allows one to get back to work. So people definitely can't stand not being under the whip about things and I see a lot of this in people who work themselves too hard and than instantly break into mindless debauchery when the weekend arrives.

I'm wholly not convinced by the steamrolling go-getter lifestyle. Overachieving becomes an addiction that can never quench itself and it makes people act like supreme assholes.

[wordsmith]

I tried setting the four-year limit on myself in the beginning but somehow forgot to tell myself NOT to change majors three times, so I got out in five years.

I didn't have a choice, I couldn't afford it without my financial aid package, and that was only good for four years.


The laissez-faire approach to anything is generally more productive, as it makes forgetting easy, takes the weight off one's mind, and allows one to get back to work. So people definitely can't stand not being under the whip about things and I see a lot of this in people who work themselves too hard and than instantly break into mindless debauchery when the weekend arrives.

I'm wholly not convinced by the steamrolling go-getter lifestyle. Overachieving becomes an addiction that can never quench itself and it makes people act like supreme assholes.

The reason I've evolved into a more laissez-faire approach for myself is because it's less stressful and stress has a way of paralyzing me. And being paralyzed is not too productive. I'm an overachiever, but I'm really selective about the things I overachieve at. That's how I ended up, as a gifted student, failing freshman level algebra. Stuff that stresses me out paralyzes me.

[dengeist]

Yeah, I think it's different for everybody. Mine were finance and relationship related and a general feeling of "WTF!?". I was extremely bad with money and I had the worst taste in women ever. Unfortunately for me, I had gone farther than anybody else in my family had and I discovered the book and subsequently the site after I started to figure it all out. So it basically was a five year long voyage of self-discovery and many mistakes. It started with me figuring out that I wasn't supposed to be trying to do what other people thought I should be doing or even trying to copy what they were doing. It was about finding my own path to happiness and staying on it.

My first post here was my last true "WTF!?" moment in about three years and that sorted itself out rather quickly when I look back on it.

But I think it's analogous to running. If you don't know much about your limits (which is what starting your adult life is like), you're going to start off too fast or too slow. But once you find your stride or a pace you're comfortable with, you don't tire yourself out as fast or fall behind everyone else. When you start to feel comfortable in the things you do and at ease with yourself and who you are, no matter what's going on around you, that's when your QLC is coming to an end.

[wordsmith]

I discovered the book and subsequently the site after I started to figure it all out.

Same...it would have been comforting a good two and a half years earlier, but I got through okay. Any real soulsearching and panicking about what my particular niche in the world might be, any struggling to find my place, or feeling frustrated or confused, came before I'd ever even heard of QLC. Maybe even before the book was written.

There will always be WTF moments that crop up, about jobs, life, dating/relatinships/family/money, etc. But that's true for everyone, of all ages.

[SunnyCee]

It seems to me like a ton of QLC anxiety comes from putting a lot of emphasis on how you stack up to others in various ways. A bad scene, for sure.


Wow, so true.
This is really an interesting thread for me, since I never thought about when you know the crisis has ended. I've been thinking, and I really don't believe anymore that this problem can be solved merely by the acquisition of a job, or a home, or a boyfriend. Just like, according to the stereotypical mid-life crisis:rolleyes: , not everything is solved by getting a new car or a bigger tv or whatever.
I had--and still have--a lot of anxiety about my path in life, but I think what really helped was to look inside myself a lot more and really think about where I wanted to go. Of course, it helped when I got the job and the apartment, but I wasn't really happy until I got more spiritual, I guess. Does that sound way too new-agey or weird? I hope not.
I guess really, it's more about the internals than the externals.

[winneythepooh7]

I agree about the comparison thing as well. It would be interesting to do a study to see how many "QLC's" really are people comparing themselves to others. I also don't think it's necessarily age-specific. I think my fiance, who is 31, is going through his own version of a QLC right now because of his ambivalance about keeping his own company going, and regret for never completing a college degree. He also is constantly comparing himself to others who have houses and just "monetary things" in general. He very often DOES NOT see however that not everything is always roses and sunshine for other people, or they may be living solely on credit, etc.

[mahlerssecond]

I think that you get over your QLC when you come to terms with who you are, what you want out of life, and you have acceptance for what you can and cannot change.

[wordsmith]

People who are prone to comparing themselves to others will do so at some level their whole lives long, most likely. It's a personality trait and a mentality...if you've always got an eye on how you measure up to others, that's just kinda who you are, not something you outgrow. It just may HIT you harder, or differently, when you're in that 20s-30s "defining myself as an adult" phase.

[caostotale]

I agree about the comparison thing as well. It would be interesting to do a study to see how many "QLC's" really are people comparing themselves to others.

I think that comparing one's self to others is a universal ailment that comes with the territory of living in any society, regardless if it's a positive feeling or a negative feeling. Everyone compares themselves to others, even if they are cocky enough to act like they don't. In a way, that's them acting like they're among (i.e. better) than others because they don't partake in such comparisons. Alas, that's still a comparison.

The QLC and other such crises are grounded in someone grappling with indefinite and unarticulated desires that crop up when they go into the world on their own. Sadly, you guys are right and most of this has to do with people feeling like they've not achieved some sort of social norms that are mass-marketed and shoved down our throats from 6th grade onwards.

As I said, I'm pretty sure I'm over the QLC ailment and now I'm simply poor and unestablished but very happy and confident. I still compare myself to others, but I try to put the pieces together in terms of specific situations rather than start beating myself up over why I don't have such a such a car or why such and such has this or that kind of job. So I'd say that everyone compares one's self to others. The goal is to not let it cause one's self to implode or pull out the dissection tools.

[wordsmith]

I think that comparing one's self to others is a universal ailment that comes with the territory of living in any society, regardless if it's a positive feeling or a negative feeling. Everyone compares themselves to others, even if they are cocky enough to act like they don't. In a way, that's them acting like they're among (i.e. better) than others because they don't partake in such comparisons. Alas, that's still a comparison.

It would probably be more accurate to say that it's not the making comparisons alone that's the culprit, it's the making comparisons and deeming one's self coming up lacking. And no, not everyone does that. Self-assurance goes a long way in keeping that type of crisis at bay.

[CityGal]

For the past few weeks (maybe even months), I have been getting spurts of energy/motivation about life. I don't fully know what I want, but I think I am heading in the right direction -- or at least a direction. I want big things and at the moment I want to try to make them happen. I'm a compulsive plan Ber and Cer, so if plan A is not working out I have backups in my pocket to play with. I'm tired of living in fear of failure. This crisis is hindering my life.

I agree with everyone about the comparing. Honestly, I think it is one of the main things that has kept me in my crisis. The more you compare yourself to others, the more you lose yourself and what you truly want. I'm not going to say that I will never ever compare myself anymore, but I'm definitely going to try to move past it and focus on myself instead of others.