View Full Version : Major QLC!!
01-29-2004, 12:57 AM
Ok, so my fiance and I went from being intimate several times weekly to twice or three times weekly. Tonight, he just decided to ask me what's the problem. I was very reluctant to tell him, but he got all hostile and demanded that I tell him what the problem was.
I explained to him that I wasn't trying to be mean to him, but the very visible tartar on his bottom front teeth just totally grosses me out to the point that I can't stand to kiss him anymore. Me not wanting to kiss him has led to me not wanting to be intimate with him because I've been asking him for the past year to go to the dentist, and he keeps telling me he made appointments, but the dentist admin keeps cancelling his appointment :confused:
At any rate, his reply was, "Well, I didn't stop kissing you even though you've gained 30 pounds". I was furious:redface:!!! I've been crying for the past two hours. I wasn't telling him about his tartar problem to be mean; I was just being honest. Nevermind the fact that I tried to avoid the whole discussion in the first place to avoid an argument. But what he said was just plain mean!
So here it is, 1:00 EST, and I'm sitting here talking to you guys because I have no one else to turn to. Thanks for listening to my vent.
01-29-2004, 09:11 AM
how come dr phil and all those other talk shows tell you to sit down with the person and talk and tell them the truth, when in reality if you are talking and telling the truth to that person it doesnt work out too well? (especially with men--SORRY GUYS!) my guy really seems to take offense when i mention something physical about him that bothers me or that i wish he would change. i am not trying to nag and be a pain in the ass fiance, but it would be nice if he used a little mouth wash at night if he did want to be intimate. you would think if he heard he was going to get more sex that he would drink the whole damn bottle! i wasnt asking for him to clean the whole house or something.
sounds like we have similar issues careerstudent! haha!
01-29-2004, 12:57 PM
it sounds like there might be more to this... have you gained 30lbs??? if so:
maybe you both should ask yourselves why it is you are letting yourselves go. if, in fact, you are letting yourselves go (and bad hygeine and weight gain are definitely signs of that). if you guys are planning on having a functional marriage, you will need to talk these things out. yes, i know that it was hurtful when he said that, but how do you think he felt... you basically told him that you think he is disgusting. i am sure he is hurt too.
i don't know if you have gained weight or not. or if you are comfortable with it or not. if you are, then screw it and tell him to deal. but if you want to lose weight for yourself as well as him, my advice, for what it's worth, is to sit down and have a talk with him. discuss the things you could both do to keep up your looks. the thing is, looking good makes you feel good. when you feel good, you are more attractive inside and out to your s.o.
you should both make a commitment to stay healthy and fit. it will make your lives, sexual and otherwise, a lot more fulfilling. please know that i am speaking from experience as i had a strange tendency to gain 25lbs everytime my ex and i lived in the same city. hmmmmmmmm...
01-29-2004, 01:22 PM
Yes, I have put on some weight. I weighed 115-120 when we first started dating. The last time I got on a scale, I was 138. So this weight gain did happen in the past 2 and a half years that we've been together. But he had that nasty tartar buildup when I met him. I couldn't figure out how to tell him. I guess I also thought in my mind that he'd go to the dentist without me having to tell him. I'm sure he sees it every time he brushes his teeth.
The difference between what I said to him and what he said to me was that before I told him the problem, I explained to him that I wasn't trying to be mean. I'd also been avoiding the specific conversation for the past year or so by throwing little hints, such as "would you like me to set a dentist appointment for you with my dentist", or "when are you going to the dentist", or "I'm setting an appointment for myself, would you like me to set one for you too".
Heck, his best friend of 30 years even told him back in September that he needed to go to the dentist because his tartar buildup was very visible. But what he said was just outright mean because he knows that I'm self-conscious about my weight, so he took that opportunity to get back at me for pointing out his tartar problem instead of just admitting that he does need to go to the dentist. He brushes his teeth several times daily, but that disgusting tartar is just still front and center, literally.
I'm not justifying my gaining weight, but weight gain and bad oral hygiene are two totally different things. I went from a size 4 to a size 6, big deal. I'm still petite. He has tartar buildup on his bottom front teeth, so every time he opens his mouth to say something, I have to see it. He isn't one of those people whose bottom teeth aren't visible when he speaks. They are just as visible as his top teeth when he speaks. When I was in my dentist's office the last time, I saw some pictures of people with periodontal disease, and that's just what his tartar buildup looks like.
He's a grown man, I shouldn't have to tell him to go to the dentist.
01-29-2004, 02:05 PM
whethere you are right or he is...he should go to the dentist before his mouth is sore and even more nasty and his teeth fall out!
01-29-2004, 02:06 PM
Yeah, Kimmer's right--bad oral hygiene can lead to bigger health issues...like infections and stuff...
01-29-2004, 02:09 PM
i agree... why don't you pose it to him in terms of being concerned for his health? tell him about the pictures you saw of patients with periodontal disease. it seems like it isn't just about appearance anymore. i don't think he would like to be toothless.
01-29-2004, 04:53 PM
Damn I remember when you posted this a few months back and he still hasn't seen a dentist yet! From what you described it's utterly discusting and I really can't imagine someone being so clueless about their hygene, especially with their teeth!
What does he do for a living? Surely he's not scoring points at the office if the tartar is that visible when he speaks. I really don't know what to say - I mean it's easier for me to say dump his ass but you love him. I dunno but maybe it's time to examine the big picture of your relationship with him. Carefully weigh his history of poor dental hygene and his "30 pounds" comment - do you really want to marry an insensitive slob?
01-29-2004, 08:31 PM
yeah if he has a job with the public, i am sure they notice his teeth. you dont want other people to make fun of him and i am sure he doesnt want that for himself either. its for his own good though. i mean we arent trying to tear the guy up, but personal hygeine is a big issue. if he isnt in pain now, i am sure he will be eventually from neglect.
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