Married at 18 = Problems

[tumeric4343]

So, my wife and I were married very young. Probably too young, but we stuck to our goals and got out of the bull shit small town we're from, to live in a major city with great careers. We're both around 25, she's almost a doctor.
The problem is, over the 7-8 years we've been married I've constantly had regret about not being single longer - she's great but we have definite lifestyle differences. We have no children, and I feel like I'm not ending things because I do value her as a friend, and I do want to be around for her to see her goals through(I think a break up could possibly throw her off track from school/etc).

I'd like to hear what others would do in this situation?

I know the grass is always greener, but before doing things like a family or a mortgage it'd be best to really make a decision. I feel like I've been "out of love" with her for a long time, unfortunately.

[WorkInProgress]

I think you owe it to her to have an open conversation about this. Nobody but you can fix this, or even decide if it's worth fixing.

Have you talked to a marriage counselor? It sounds like you could sure use one.

[tumeric4343]

I don't think a marriage counselor would work. I think I just have major regret already and it'll just continue until I end things.

It's not like it'd be a total blindside. The first time we considered breaking up it was her idea.

But you are right about the open conversation. It just hurts to think of hurting someone you value so much.

[beeblebrox]

Is it just a rough patch where life gets in the way of love? Relationships aren't all candy and roses. Have you guys gone out on dates to revive the love that's there?? It's not fair to the either of you to ride out an unhappy marriage just keep that in mind. I've known people who have stayed in marriage far longer than they should have and made the other person even more unhappy. An open conversation is the best and counseling isn't negative. It's meant to facilitate those conversations when there's trouble trying to.

[wordsmith]

If you value her, you owe it to her to be straight up with her now. And, really, if you've been out of love for a long time, this should have happened sooner. She, as anybody, deserves to be with somebody who loves her. It's not fair to be wasting years with somebody who doesn't love you.

[hoodie]

Let me ask you this. What, more speciffically, are your regrets? What is it that single people have that you don't? Dating? Sex? An independent bank account? Freedom to make their own choices without worrying how they'll effect a partner?

I still wouldn't disregard counseling. Just saying you have such deep regret and it won't go away unless you divorce seems like you're throwing in the towel pretty easily. You might want to get a handle on what those regrets are and see if there's any way to address your needs within your marriage before waving the white flag.

[SWMOchick]

Sounds like you have made up your mind, so of course counseling isn't going to work. Curious about single life? How about separating first? Once you try out single life, you might decide that you had it better than you thought all along. Whatever you do, doing it sooner may be harder (for you), but it's usually better.

Ugh! What did I just say? If you're going to try out the single life, make sure things are over with your soon-to-be-ex first.

[Rage]

I think you need to talk about this with your wife. If you're feeling like you've grown apart over the last few years, your wife is probably feeling something is wrong too. Talk to her about how you're feeling a lack of intimacy, etc. and see if you can rediscover what made you fall in love in the first place. It seems like a diservice to your marriage and to eachother to not at least give it a shot before throwing in the towel (are you fighting all the time, or is it just a general apathy?).

I too was in a similar situation - I got married right out of college and over a period of about five years felt like something was wrong with my marriage. My wife and I have always been good about conversing and we worked together to find out why we were growing apart. We both worked on ourselves and tried to do things that put the other first. For us, it was just that we got comfortable and took eachother for granted. I felt the same way you did, that I should have stayed single longer, that I should have dated more in college before settling on a steady girlfriend (soph yr in college). Ultimately, I realized that the reasons I wanted to explore single life again were mostly superficial, like I had never had sex with a certain type of person, etc. I have friends in their mid-thirties who are jealous of my marriage now because they have either divorced and never found another person, or regret letting someone go. Or, they just haven't found someone yet. Being single is fun when you're young, but as you get older, it gets lonely, and the clubs aren't what they once were. As you get older too, the number of people with baggage increases, or there are people left that are single for a reason.

Ultimately it's your decision and making it work will take dedication that you may not feel at the moment. Consider this though: every relationship evolves and will eventually require you to stay or eject when things lose that chemical spark. You made a commitment to your wife because you once loved and respected her. Give eachother the opportunity to discuss your feelings. When I had the same issues, all it took was "how do you feel our marriage is, are you happy?" and the floodgates opened. Be prepared to be open and honest, don't take it personally and be prepared to be hurt when something isn't how you perceived it from her view. Communication will be the key to any successful relationship, whether this one or another (counseling is not always required). Keep that in mind.

[tumeric4343]

Yeah, this isn't a losing the chemical spark type thing.
I think it's a lifestyle choice in that I'm not exactly ready to be "tied down" and ALL that comes with that.(not being able to form healthy friendship relationships, no time for other things in life, meeting other people). It's a really needy person that I'm with and there is a huge amount of jealousy with anything I do that's not related to her.

These are good responses though. Thanks!

[pisces2473]

Yeah, this isn't a losing the chemical spark type thing.
I think it's a lifestyle choice in that I'm not exactly ready to be "tied down" and ALL that comes with that.(not being able to form healthy friendship relationships, no time for other things in life, meeting other people). It's a really needy person that I'm with and there is a huge amount of jealousy with anything I do that's not related to her.

These are good responses though. Thanks!
Sounds like she might be the problem...and therapy might be helpful to both of you, but especially her. If she refuses to go, you should go, and learn ways to cope with her, and ways to help yourself get what you want out of life.