IM going CRAZY

[mchenrycruiser]

I turn 27 years old next month.Ive had probably 15 different security guard jobs since i was 19.I applied to be a correctional officer 3 years ago and got turned down.In december I was arrested for steroid posession ......luckily its only a mistameanor and will come of my record in 2008.I live with my parents,2 foster kids,14 year old cousin and my mom has a datcare so thats an extra 5 kids in the house mon-fri.Its amzing what kind of mess ive mad eout of my life.I had body dismorphic disorder my whole life....II felt ugly,i WAS ugly.Slowly I fixed my appearence....laser hair removal to get rid of the facial hair that gave me bad razor burn when i shaved,whitened my teeth,bonded my chipped teeth,and started working out.I thought being good looking was the answer to all my problems.I AM GOOD LOOKING. It has changed nothing internally....sure,i can look people in the eye now and get girls but something in me always thought id accomplish something more in my life.I had a brief stint at stand up comedy.I enjoyed it but i hated writing stand up ands was more into saturday night live type comedy.....I took an acting class but i wasnt into it,i just liked making everyone laugh.I quit taking acting lessons and became severly depressed and started binging on junk food ........its the only thing that feels me with joy.I have an auditino for the groundlings on oct 1st ...........its an improvisation school where many saturday night live alum have gone through...............if i dont make it in ill just die inside....i feel like its my last hope,i cant even get a decent job thats not in security.Im scared. im scared that ill be a loser forever.

[Moon Gazing]

At least you are trying different things to see what you like. It could be worse you could be doing absolutely nothing about it but at least you are putting forth some kind of effort. Try to release some of the pressure you put on yourself, think of things you have accomplished, take all the mistakes as a leasson learned and think positive toward the future.

[wordsmith]

I had body dismorphic disorder my whole life....II felt ugly,i WAS ugly.Slowly I fixed my appearence....laser hair removal to get rid of the facial hair that gave me bad razor burn when i shaved,whitened my teeth,bonded my chipped teeth,and started working out.I thought being good looking was the answer to all my problems.I AM GOOD LOOKING. It has changed nothing internally....

I'm sure you know this already, but that's because BDD isn't about what you actually look like, it's about how you feel about yourself and perceive yourself to appear. The most attractive-looking person in the world with BDD will feel unattractive. "Fixing" your appearance didn't change how you feel, because odds are good there was nothing wrong with how you looked to begin with, and the disorder isn't actually ABOUT how you look, but rather, about your perception of self. Even if you "fix" things, you'll just find other ways to be self-critical. It's an emotional disorder. Have you been treated for it? Cognitive behavioral therapy can really help, in all facets of you life, not just the dysmorphia.

[mchenrycruiser]

I'm sure you know this already, but that's because BDD isn't about what you actually look like, it's about how you feel about yourself and perceive yourself to appear. The most attractive-looking person in the world with BDD will feel unattractive. "Fixing" your appearance didn't change how you feel, because odds are good there was nothing wrong with how you looked to begin with, and the disorder isn't actually ABOUT how you look, but rather, about your perception of self. Even if you "fix" things, you'll just find other ways to be self-critical. It's an emotional disorder. Have you been treated for it? Cognitive behavioral therapy can really help, in all facets of you life, not just the dysmorphia.i dont have health insurance.

[wordsmith]

Check your PMs momentarily.