Here we go again....

[stephly21]

Here is my recent QLC problem. Any help in finding out what I should do would be appreciated. I have been going out with the same guy for four years. Moved out to a new state from the east coast to the west coast with him. Our relationship was having some problems, but now that I moved away from family and friends our problems seem to now be magnified. Before I left I was having thoughts of going back to school to get a new degree in a field where I could work with my hands (which I love) instead of working in an office on a computer (which I hate). I could get paid pretty well for it too.

So these thoughts keep creeping back in my head. If I were to go back to school I would have to go back full time because of the type of school program it is. I could not afford to go back to school full time and work part time. I could move out to my parents house in the midwest, go back to school full time and crank out my new degree.

My boyfriend doesn’t want to leave the west coast, and is trying to go to college for the first time now. He has some problems with finishing things he starts. This is something I really have a problem with. He also started smoking again and it drives me crazy. I hate smelling it on his clothes and him smoking around me, but that is another story.

He has basically told me if I want to go back to school full time and live with my parents he cannot be with me. He said I have to find another way to do what I want because he has to live on his own now, without the help of his parents. He tells me that is the reality of the situation. But I know my parents would have no problem with me moving back in with them.
Sometimes I feel that he is holding me back because I could be doing something I would rather do. I don’t want to marry him eventually and then always regret not going back to school for only 3 years of my life. Now I am having to choose to either be with him or go back to school and move away. Sometimes I feel like I moved out here to be with him and given a lot but he isn’t even trying to compromise with my situation.

I also have the guilt feeling that if I do go back to school and live with my parents my boyfriend will not be able to afford it on his own and have to move back to the east coast close to his family. I know he would hate to do this. There is a lot on my shoulders.

Since I have had these thoughts I try to push my SO away and am always harping on him for smoking. It is really hurting our relationship. I hate being a bitch when I’m around him but it comes out in me. I guess because I feel like he is the one holding me back. He is a really nice guy and I think overall we are really good for one another but I just can’t get over these feelings of wanting to go back to school. Trust me I’ve looked into it and there is no way I can afford to live on my own and go back to school full time. This program only offers full time. So, anyone have any thoughts????? PLEASE HELP

[spiritedaway]

The first thought that came into my mind as I'm reading your post is...

your boyfriend is clearly not excited or supportive of you to go back for your degree (if it's something you're interested in) and basically, he's saying that if you do, you two are over?

And are you supposed to be supportive of his going to college too?

Am I getting this right? Is something missing in the story?

[CoolAZN]

As I read your post, your bf does not care about your own future or your own health. Looks like that your the only one trying to compromise the whole situation. It seems like HE is in is own world, does not care about what you do, just himself. Besides, you both had problems before both of you moved out west. The relationship seems like it has already faded away and going in different directions. I cannot say what you should and should not do, it's up to you to decide; whatever is best for both of you. We only get one chance in life; for better or for worse, you make the decision of where you want to head in life.


_________________________________


We are all searching for our meaning to our lives, everyone. We have too. Because no matter who you are, I don’t think anyone is born knowing the reason why they are here, it’s just something you have to find as you go along. And the, its different for everyone, there’s many reasons to live as there are many people in the world, maybe even more. So the reason for being born, the reason you are put here in the world; I think it’s something we all have to find ourselves. So we search, within our hopes and dreams, our work, the people in our lives and everything we do. Even if the reasons we find are hazy and unclear, even if it’s so tiny that you can’t hardly see it. The important thing is that you always have one. As long as I am alive, that is what I want. To have a reason, to go on.
~ Tohru

[lucidtheory]

I think he is being unfair. No one that is supposed to be your partner should ask you to give up totally on an important dream because it inconveniences them. There is always a compromise if both parties want what is best for the other. There is no really good reason he couldn't find some way to make this happen for you - it sounds really selfish of him to me. (Not to mention the other red flags of smoking and lack of follow-through.) If he is offering you the ultimatum of him or school, I say pick school. There is no reason to live life with regret... you only get the one.

[and1grad]

I think he is being unfair. No one that is supposed to be your partner should ask you to give up totally on an important dream because it inconveniences them. There is always a compromise if both parties want what is best for the other. There is no really good reason he couldn't find some way to make this happen for you - it sounds really selfish of him to me. (Not to mention the other red flags of smoking and lack of follow-through.) If he is offering you the ultimatum of him or school, I say pick school. There is no reason to live life with regret... you only get the one.
Agreed.

[winneythepooh7]

Yeah, from what you have written, doesn't sound like this is the one for the long haul.........

[wordsmith]

I could move out to my parents house in the midwest, go back to school full time and crank out my new degree.

My boyfriend doesn’t want to leave the west coast, and is trying to go to college for the first time now. He has some problems with finishing things he starts. This is something I really have a problem with. He also started smoking again and it drives me crazy. I hate smelling it on his clothes and him smoking around me, but that is another story.

He has basically told me if I want to go back to school full time and live with my parents he cannot be with me. He said I have to find another way to do what I want because he has to live on his own now, without the help of his parents. He tells me that is the reality of the situation. But I know my parents would have no problem with me moving back in with them.
Sometimes I feel that he is holding me back because I could be doing something I would rather do.

Because he is.

I don’t want to marry him eventually and then always regret not going back to school for only 3 years of my life. Now I am having to choose to either be with him or go back to school and move away. Sometimes I feel like I moved out here to be with him and given a lot but he isn’t even trying to compromise with my situation.

Because he's not.

I also have the guilt feeling that if I do go back to school and live with my parents my boyfriend will not be able to afford it on his own and have to move back to the east coast close to his family.

Overall, the midwest is cheaper than the west coast. If he can afford to live there on his own, he can more than likely afford to live in the midwest on his own, unless he for reasons unknown would be relocating to one of the few extremely costly areas of the MW. If he wants to take a turn moving where you are, anyway, since you've already done the thing where you move where he is.

[stephly21]

I guess my SO just feels like he is just starting his schooling and doesn't want to leave the state because he really doesn't want to have to start all over again at another school and possibly leave his credits at the door. Plus he is working on getting a pilots license that he cannot transfer to another state! I know he cares that I want to go back to school he just feels like our relationship would be taking a step backward if I were to move back in with my parents for 3 years and we would be in a long distance relationship. Yikes!

I understand his POV but I just can't help but thinking there might be something else out there for me.

[winneythepooh7]

It sounds like you and he are in different places in life, with different priorities. Which usually at some point means it probably is not going to end up working out.......

[and1grad]

Well, he's right. Your relationship WILL be taking a step backwards. But if you dont do it and wind up resenting him for it, you wont have done either of you any favors. Its a really tough decision to have to make. Hope it works out.