starting a family. . .

[AshleyJordan]

I'm just curious about other posters' experiences. For those of you who have kids, how old were you when you had them? For those of you who are planning to have kids, at around which age do you hope/plan to become a parent? How many kids are you planning on having? Adopting or having them the old-fashioned way? If you don't want kids, what are your reasons?

[capella]

We're still waiting. It's more because I want to be in a better place financially before I take on that responsibility than not feeling ready for them emotionally or otherwise. I have a wonderful husband, a good job, a degree and one in progress, a house... in short, it looks like I'm all set. But it's just such a financial burden and I don't want to be in a bad place because of kids. That's how I was raised and it wasn't pleasant to be on the child's end. I can't imagine being on the parent's end of that mess.

I think 30 is a good age and that's the plan right now. I'll be 27 in a few months so I feel like I've still got some time. I don't want any more than two. I don't feel like I could handle more than that financially. I absolutely refuse to bring a child into the world until I can support them fully. It's not fair to the child to do otherwise. And old-fashioned way. I'm not against adopting, but if I can have my own, I want my own.

[AshleyJordan]

Thanks for sharing, Capella. See, the only real disagreement my SO and I have on this subject is whether to have one or two kids. I'm inclined to say it's better to have 2 for the sake of companionship, but because of financial reasons and career reasons (and nothing at all against SAHM's, but I do *not* plan to be one, not even or a year or two,) he's campaigning for just one kid. I'm sort of afraid that this hypothetical only child would be a little lonely.
****of course, this is years down the road, not now, that we'd be doing this.**********

[arrow]

I think it's so different for everyone. If I ever opted to start a family (and you know, I still don't know about that), it would happen in my 30's when I was finally ready. Because at 28, I still don't feel ready.

My mom had all her kids at ages 28, 30 (almost), 32, and 37 (my dad is 2 years older than her, so he was 30, 32, 34, and 39). We all turned out nice and normal and they didn't mind being a little older raising the last one. They are still having fun visiting him in college, and still lamenting over the empty nest. Their only problem now is the lack of grandchildren ;):

[wordsmith]

I intend to have children somewhere in my thirties if I am able. Beyond that, no real plan. I'm thirty now.

I would prefer to have more than one child, as many as I can financially support (so, likely, two or three tops).

My mother had me at 25, my brothers at 27, and my sister at 32 (My dad is five years her senior, so tack 5 years onto each). She's anticipating her first grandchild in the spring, when my brother and his wife have their baby.

[arrow]

My best friend back home had hers at 25 and 28, and plans to stop there. She's very happy, and they aren't rich by any means, but in MI it's easier to raise kids well on a smaller salary. After kid #2 she found it was actually better to work only part-time than full-time, because daycare is so expensive. Before her second one, though, she was working full-time and handling it very well.

[AshleyJordan]

My mom had me at 28 and my sister at 32. She also developed gestational diabetes both times, and stayed diabetic after her second pregnancy. That's a big fear of mine and factors into my planning, here. I also definitely want to adopt (that would alleviate all of my health/bio clock concerns, of course,) so the only real hypothetical question I have here is whether or not there would be a second kid, and if I'd be able to physically have him or her later in life.
Since I do see myself being very career-minded, maybe just having one would be best. Bear with me, I'm sorta thinking out loud here! :rolleyes:

[steph78]

I had my first child last December at age 28 (married for 4 years and change). My husband and I wanted to have our kids when we were as young as possible (so the kids will be out on their own when we're still young enough to really get out there and enjoy traveling, etc.) But we also wanted to make sure we were in a good place financially before we started having kids - it's a fine line. Last year just worked out well for us because we had been married for awhile, we had done a bunch of traveling and fun stuff, and were just feeling ready to settle down and grow a family...and my husband finally finished his PhD and got a job earning as much as the two of us were making combined before, so with his increased income I could cut back to part-time work and spend more time at home with the baby without straining the family budget.

We've talked about it and we definitely want more than one kid, but after actually experiencing parenthood, I'm thinking we might stop at two rather than go for three. I had a perfectly normal pregnancy and an easy delivery and we are blessed with a very mellow, well-behaved little girl, but it's still just EXHAUSTING to think about doing this again twice. My sleep is more precious to me than I had previously thought, I guess!

[wordsmith]

I feel pretty strongly that any child of mine have siblings, if at all possible.

I also know quite a few mothers who found it more financially advantageous to stay at home than to pay daycare for children.

[embrassezla]

I'll probably be ready for kids at some point in my 30s, though possibly late 30s. I do want to adopt, but I'd also like to have a biological child, so I do worry about possibly waiting too long. But I'm not ready now, and don't anticipate being ready in the next 5 years, at least. I'm 28.

[capella]

Daycare costs are my main concern. At this point, we just can't swing one income. I doubt that will change. When you factor in daycare and health insurance costs... that's about $1400 extra a month alone. I only make about $2200 after taxes right now (my husband makes the same of course as we work for the same district with the same level of experience). Then there are the other costs of raising a child. That frightens me. I don't know when we'll be at a point where that doesn't scare me. Maybe if we only had the mortgage as a debt. That's what we're working on now. My master's will add another 4K a year, but that's not for another year and a half (and then I have to pay THAT off). I guess we could afford a kid, but we can't afford a baby. There's the rub. :p

[winneythepooh7]

Well, since I am over 30 now, I am assuming it could happen any time now. My husband and I are pretty set financially for a child and in the process of buying our first home. There are things with our lifestyle/jobs that are not necessarily convenient for having children, however, nothing that cannot be worked out and/or adjusted. I do agree that timing and having a lot of your ducks in a row is very important for having kids, however, I also know many people who have done it unplanned/not financially well-off, etc. etc. etc. and things turned out well.


I have had more parents than I can count tell me that being a parent is not always the type of decision you can plan for things being exactly how you envision them to be, because parenthood and all it involves is not something you can really control. If you are a good parent, somehow, life seems to work itself out when the baby/s come...........

[winneythepooh7]

Daycare costs are my main concern. At this point, we just can't swing one income. I doubt that will change. When you factor in daycare and health insurance costs... that's about $1400 extra a month alone. I only make about $2200 after taxes right now (my husband makes the same of course as we work for the same district with the same level of experience). Then there are the other costs of raising a child. That frightens me. I don't know when we'll be at a point where that doesn't scare me. Maybe if we only had the mortgage as a debt. That's what we're working on now. My master's will add another 4K a year, but that's not for another year and a half (and then I have to pay THAT off). I guess we could afford a kid, but we can't afford a baby. There's the rub. :p


Luckily we will have family nearby, who have already offered to watch hypothetical baby, as long as we have a back-up in case they are sick/want to go on vacation. My goal if I have a child is to stay at my agency, but either go to P/T hours (I can still keep my benefits, which my husband and h-baby would need), or, strike a deal with my job where I can work 3 days home/2 days in the office/field or something of that nature.

If that doesn't work, fortunately I think I would be able to find something more "family friendly" in my field, even if that meant having to work an evening/weekend kind of schedule for a bit.

With us, I will have to always work. Staying home for more than very short-term maternity leave is not an option due to my husband's work situation. In addition to needing my benefits, he doesn't always get paid when he expects to get paid, so often it's my income that is needed to cover our expenses. That's just the nature of owning one's business.

[capella]

Another thing is that my family is no where near us. They just got stationed in Germany for three years. My husband's parents live two hours from here, but they're not likely to want to help out. They want to play with the kid, spoil it, and send it home. It's not like we've got a huge support system here. Everyone we know is an educator (basically) and thus in very much the same boat we are. I guess I'd love a baby, I drool over the little clothes at Target, but then reality sets in and I realize what a big deal it is.

My younger sister is having a baby. She's 23, doesn't have a degree yet (but she makes more than I do... go figure) and she isn't married to the dude (though they've been together since she was a teenager, they've lived together for 5 or 6 years and he's got a pretty good job with Pepsi). I don't know how she feels like it's a good time. I know they didn't plan it, but I'm scared for her.

I can't bring myself to feel ready for that and I have X, Y, and Z all lined up. I still can't wrap my head around it. I felt ready a few years ago, but that ended up badly and I guess it scared me. I'm not ready yet....

[winneythepooh7]

I am actually good friends with several teachers who have told me stories about some of their teacher friends who really get into a bind because of the lack of a close family unit to help with childcare. We also know another couple who are both teachers however have debt out of the ass from buying things that someone who makes 6x those with two teacher salaries should really only consider buying, so they can't take time off. Then they are working extra hours tutoring or coaching to help pay for childcare, then have even less time at night/weekends to see the baby.

I think this shows the reality that while it may be cool to have summers and a lot of holidays off, it is still hard to have a family being a teacher.

I think the way my mom did it, was use my grandparents to help watch me when she went back to work, and when I was school age, made friends with the other parents and I'd stay at their house for an hour until she got home from work.

I think like healthcare, the cost of childcare in our country is completely ridiculous and insane.

[Krishna]

Currently, I'm hoping to have my first child around the age of 27-28, and then wait another 2-4 years for the 2nd one. Of course, this is all dependent on me getting married in 2 years. :p

I'm hoping for 2-3 kids (my boyfriend only wants 1-2). I've always wanted a bigger family than the one I came from. My sister and I weren't that close, and I'm hoping that having more kids will help them find commonality and bond with each other.

I plan on having them the old fashioned way, though I'm open to adoption, should the need arise (i.e, if I'm too big a wuss to go through childbirth, or cant have kids for some reason).

[red]

I'll be 30 and my husband is 38.

it's good to be ready but it's really hard to plan things like this, since you never know what life is going to throw at you. i guess we planned to do it sooner but we are just happy to be starting a family now. i've enjoyed the 4 years we have been married and it has just been the two of us- i think it has given us a very strong foundation.

[Dirty Sanchez]

I;ll play.

I'm 28 and we *were* trying (H is 33) when we learned my g-d, m-fing undetected diabetes was the reason we weren't having any success. So, conciously TTC is on hold for a few months while I get my meds/new diet/new exercise routine straight, then we start up again. The goal is for me to have my first before age 30 (for health reasons).

Sidebar: Ashley, you can read my blog, but diabetes does NOT mean that you shouldn't bear children, and everyone who tries to push that bullshit needs a good solid asswhuppin.

We want to have 3-4, possibly adopting one. We're both from large families, but the years that I was an only child were the most miserable of my life. We do have family nearby, but they're psycho, and I only ever had sex with my husband *after* he promised that said relatives would never be allowed around our kids. We both, like you and your SO Ashley, have good jobs and bust our asses. We also live within walking distance of a top-notch daycare. I'm not concerned. We can email about this if you want.

[Dirty Sanchez]

My mom had me at 28 and my sister at 32. She also developed gestational diabetes both times, and stayed diabetic after her second pregnancy. That's a big fear of mine and factors into my planning, here. I also definitely want to adopt (that would alleviate all of my health/bio clock concerns, of course,) so the only real hypothetical question I have here is whether or not there would be a second kid, and if I'd be able to physically have him or her later in life.
Since I do see myself being very career-minded, maybe just having one would be best. Bear with me, I'm sorta thinking out loud here! :rolleyes:

My mom had gest diabetes 4 times, and bounced back each time. So far out of my sibs, only I've ended up diabetic. And, as long as you're not a total fucking jackass about your condition, you can live just as long as anyone else with a somewhat similar quality of life. SInce you eat healthy anyway, your chances of getting diabetes go down. My doc thinks I might have delayed the onset of mine by as many as 5-10 yrs, and I didn't eat nearly as well as you do.

I think because of who you are as a person, it is better for the world if you make as many little Ashleys as possible. Why leave the reproducing to all the stupid people???

[wordsmith]

I doubt I will want to start a family without being near MY family. I was raised near my grandparents and cousins, and I would want that for my children...not just having grandparents you see once a year or so on a holiday.

[ebruening]

My bf and I have talked about starting a family 10 or so years in the future. We'd be 35 and 36, at that point. I want to earn my doctoral degree first, and I'd have to go part-time because it's not financially prudent for me to take out loans for the sort of degree I'd earn. We both have debt we'd like to pay off, plus have several years of mortgage payments and feel relatively well-established in our careers before having a child. I'm still ambivalent about the idea of labor and delivery, but we both like the idea of having a child in the relatively distant future...just like how we like the idea of marriage in the relatively distant future :rolleyes: Even discussing having a child is pretty new territory for me, and to be honest, I haven't given it much thought before this. From our discussions, though, my bf would work part-time, or be a SAHD until the hypothetical child went to school. Unfortunately, because of different lifestyle choices and religious choices, we couldn't ask either of our parents to care for the child.

[redav]

I hope to start a family soon. Of course that's all up to me, though. But I don't have any good reasons to wait longer than necessary.

[sparky88]

We are almost ready to have kids now (and could handle it emotionally/financially) but we feel you can never be too prepared. So, we plan to have our first child when I'm 27-ish (husband will be 33). We will probably have one or two more depending on how things go.

[OverOrdinary]

seems like more ppl feel like me then, no kids until you are financially prepared because you want to support your children (which is somewhere around 30). I agree.
But to digress, I also wonder if I will have children at all. I dont much fancy them, and I feel to be a good parent you must have the emotional maturity to do it. An excellent parent is a person who actaully has a passion for children. Its a job they love to do and MAKE time for.
Amy has it right, being the kid of parent who are not financially set is not pleasant, and I feel I would be committing a SIN to have kids when I aint ready.

[Rage]

Funny in some ways, but my wife and I never planned to have our first son - he just did. We were skeptical at the time, but now that he's one 18 months old, I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm 27 now and I'll get to enjoy being a dad to the fullest. My advice, if you were asking for it: take it one step at a time - find love and enjoy being married for a bit. Once you have kids, it changes your life completely.

[sundaycomics]

I dont much fancy them, and I feel to be a good parent you must have the emotional maturity to do it. An excellent parent is a person who actaully has a passion for children. Its a job they love to do and MAKE time for.
Amy has it right, being the kid of parent who are not financially set is not pleasant, and I feel I would be committing a SIN to have kids when I aint ready.

I agree that you should have some sort of passion for kids to have them. Kids can tell when their parents really don't want them around.

And financial security is a prerequisite too. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend (ex-girlfriend? LONG story) had a son in July when they were barely making ends meet to begin with. He's just barely financially stable on his own, she was working part time, and they live in a state where there are practically no jobs at the moment. They're supporting him now, but she gets free food from WIC, my in-laws help them out, and things are still really tight.

I love my nephew to death but wish he could have been born to parents who can focus completely on giving him a good childhood instead of being so concerned with survival.

[halfbaked07]

I was a month shy of my 21st birthday when I had my daughter. Totally unplanned. It has created many hardships over the years and I am sure there will be many more directly or indirectly related to the fact that I had a child young and unprepared, but I can say with all honesty that if I had the chance to do it all over again I would still do it. Every bump in the road has been worth every hug and kiss and I love you from her.