Spinoff: Inappropriate family members

[ebruening]

QLCers - AshleyJordan's thread about her sister's comments made me think about how my family treats my boyfriend. I have a "family issue" that is at the boiling point, since the holiday season is approaching, and I'd like any advice you could give on how to handle the situation.

My boyfriend and I are going to Texas to celebrate Thanksgiving with some of his extended family. We planned this back in August. I told my mother right after we planned it, and she threw a fit, saying that my boyfriend was "separating our family." I told her that I was looking forward to our Thanksgiving out of town, because it would be our first real opportunity to take a vacation together. I also explained to her that it was important for me to spend the holiday with him, and that it was extremely important for him to be able to see his family.

Several months later, my mom and sister tried to convince me to spend Thanksgiving with our extended family, here in Nebraska. They told me, "you're not married to him, you aren't under any obligation." They also kept repeating that "this could be your last holiday with your grandmother." (My grandmother has dementia, and at nearly 88 years old, is in failing health). Again, I told them that this was a choice I made willingly, and that they weren't going to change my decision.

My need to spend the holiday with my boyfriend revolves around the fact that this will be his first Thanksgiving without his younger brother, who died in August. I want to support him, and I know that Thanksgiving is an important holiday for him and his family. Above all things, I love him, and I don't want him feeling like I've abandoned him.

My parents and sister haven't said a word to my boyfriend since his brother died, nearly 3 months ago. They apparently think it's no big deal, because they've tried to get me to leave him, saying that "his family has too much drama," and that I shouldn't be asked to "deal with it." They didn't send him a card, they haven't invited him over, they haven't called or emailed him to express their condolences. Personally, I think they're behaving terribly. I'm incredibly embarrassed by their behavior. They're acting like his brother's death would be a great excuse for me to break up with him, because they think I'm being guilted into staying with him. They don't seem to understand that I genuinely WANT to spend Thanksgiving with him, and that I'm excited to take a vacation with him.

My boyfriend knows that my family doesn't like him. I've kept quiet about the comments they've made, because I don't want to upset him. However, the few times he has been around them, they've made no effort to conceal their dislike. He still goes to see them, though, because he knows that it is important to me.

Have any other QLCers experienced extreme tension between their family and their SO, especially a very one-sided situation? If so, do you have any advice for how to handle it, especially around the holidays? My boyfriend and I are planning for the long-term, but I get the sense that my parents will continue meddling in our relationship, in the attempt to split us up.

[wordsmith]

My immediate family has been very understanding about stuff of that nature (I moved in with my BF a month ago, and that entailed moving 500 miles away from home/fam). They do understand that we will be taking turns on holidays (we are spending Thanksgiving with his grandfather, and will be with my side for Christmas). even though the'd obviously love to have me around for all holidays, they know that when you're with somebody, you make compromises.

They've been less understanding about my brother and his wife in the past few years since they lived together and got married, and the reason for that is that it was never a trade or a compromise; it was a matter of my SIL's family always being given top priority, and my family always being an afterthought/passed over entirely on those occasions. And I don't blame my family for being upset about that, either. As long as the division is egalitarian, though, I see no real cause for anybody to have a beef.

[AshleyJordan]

I've never been close to my family, and I was moving away from spending most holidays with them even before I saw myself spending them with someone else and his family. Having a BF just gave me a convenient excuse, actually, and I just said, "I'm sure you realized at some point that I wouldn't be able to come up every year, and that I'd start having other obligations." No drama.

[AshleyJordan]

To answer your OP, though, I'd say it's most important to just be really, really calm and firm about this. That's what I had to do when I first pitched the idea of spending Xmas away-- and when I did that, it was well before I had a BF-- this was just a, "I'm not going to be able to spend Xmas with you this year," and I stood my ground.

[asm198]

In the 10 years I've been dating my husband, we've always had multiple holiday get-togethers with our families on the holidays. Usually, there is a Thanksgiving with his extended family and then one with my mom, on different days. Then, Christmas is usually a whirlwind over a 24-48 hour period and we'll end up doing a total of three events, one with his immediate family, one with his extended family, and one with my mom.

We live three hours away from most of the rest of the family, so we usually ended up driving for more hours than we actually see everyone. Add to that, my husband works for a company that only closes one day a year (and it's not a holiday) and the fact that most jobs I've had are shift work and not office work, just trying to plan the holidays is a supreme pain.

We haven't had too much family bickering, but that's probably because they mostly live close together, so we had hit everyone at once. If that wasn't the case, we would most definitely split up our holidays. I guess as I've gotten older, the less likely I'm willing to put up with family crap like that.

[Krishna]

My parents used to get upset when my sister or I spent the holidays away. Now, while they may not like it, they at least realize that it isnt going to change, and keep their mouths shut about it. My boyfriend and I usually spend Thanksgiving w/ one family, and Christmas with the other. If we can do both sides of the family on any given holiday, we do it. But we switch off each year, where each of our families takes "priority" on one of the holidays- and if there's a conflict, we go to the family that "owns" that holiday for the year. It's worked out well so far for us. This year I think we'll be able to do Xmas with both families, since one side will celebrate on the weekend and one will celebrate on Xmas day.:)

[capella]

Erika,

Your family is being totally crappy. I'm so sorry. That stinks. The best you can do is ignore them and stick up for yourself. Maybe they'll come around one day.

Some day you may get to the point where they want to come and invade YOUR house for holidays. That's what's happening here this year. :eek: His parents and grandmother are coming to MY house for T-giving. No pressure, right? In the past, we've just switched off, but my family was military and used to not having everyone over (since it often meant a flight or a very long drive). Now they're in Germany. I may venture over for xmas next year, but there's no way that's in the budget this year.

Just stick to your plans and don't let your family bully you around. They suck, not you. :)

[and1grad]

My boyfriend knows that my family doesn't like him. I've kept quiet about the comments they've made, because I don't want to upset him. However, the few times he has been around them, they've made no effort to conceal their dislike. He still goes to see them, though, because he knows that it is important to me.
ebru,
why do u continue to subject your bf to such obvious mistreatment from your family?

[ebruening]

why do u continue to subject your bf to such obvious mistreatment from your family?

Occasionally, he has chosen to not attend events with my family. I don't necessarily think that I "subject" him to mistreatment. I'll ask if he'd like to come do something with my family, knowing that he might say "no." If he says "no," I don't press the issue, because I do understand that it's difficult for him. I can't force him to go to things involving my family.

The next time he does see my family, if they do act disrespectfully toward him, I should insist that we leave, until he is treated with respect. I won't lie, walking out on my family like that will be difficult, and I don't know that I'll be comfortable doing it.

And1, is that what you meant when you said that I subjected him to "mistreatment"?

[Krishna]

ebru,
why do u continue to subject your bf to such obvious mistreatment from your family?

I'd second that. If this man is important enough that you're thinking long-term, you need to put your family in their place. They may not have to like him, but they do need to be respectful and polite to him.

If I was you, I'd tell your family that this man is here to stay, and that if they can't behave themselves when you two are around, that you wont visit anymore. Then follow through on it.


Edit: Erika, I agree that you should walk out if they're rude. It's time you take a stand for your boyfriend. :)

[and1grad]

Occasionally, he has chosen to not attend events with my family. I don't necessarily think that I "subject" him to mistreatment. I'll ask if he'd like to come do something with my family, knowing that he might say "no." If he says "no," I don't press the issue, because I do understand that it's difficult for him. I can't force him to go to things involving my family.

The next time he does see my family, if they do act disrespectfully toward him, I should insist that we leave, until he is treated with respect. I won't lie, walking out on my family like that will be difficult, and I don't know that I'll be comfortable doing it.

And1, is that what you meant when you said that I subjected him to "mistreatment"?
Yes. I mistakenly got the impression that you were forcing him to go with you. It wont ever be comfortable walking out on your family but its important that you stand by your man when it counts. Hopefully it doesnt come to that.

[AshleyJordan]

Erika, I just want to clarify-- you do have other opportunities to see your grandmother, right? She lives near you?

[pisces2473]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hadn't you said previously that your family never seemed happy with any of your choices--mostly due to religious beliefs? Not that this is an "excuse" but it might be some explanation of why they continue to be so crappy to your BF and you.

Sorry to hear about this...I hope you are able to eventually get some peace with this situation.

[Samwell]

The next time he does see my family, if they do act disrespectfully toward him, I should insist that we leave, until he is treated with respect. I won't lie, walking out on my family like that will be difficult, and I don't know that I'll be comfortable doing it.

I've been in a situation where my girlfriend's family did not approve and thus was pretty cold towards me. She talked to them about it but they just were not able to respect her judgment more than their own. It was sad, but we eventually reached a homeostasis point where they were respectful (to my face) but still not "family".

Your family is being totally crappy. I'm so sorry. That stinks. The best you can do is ignore them and stick up for yourself. Maybe they'll come around one day.

I agree with this. I wouldn't tolerate outright disrespect to his face, but I think that on some level confrontation is what your family is pushing for. Be firm and try not to get caught up in emotional manipulation, but don't expect to be able to talk them into being reasonable. Good luck.

[FMK]

I had an issue with my parents not liking my boyfriend. They never said anything outright but then again they never seemed interested in him. My dad actually butted into our relationship once and I made it clear to him never to do that again.

What I ended up doing is emailing my family telling them that I know you really don't like my SO but I love him and he means a lot to me. If you you guys love me please treat him with respect for my sake. I think they finally understood that if they weren't at least nice to him I was not going to be happy with them. They also realized it wasn't their decision to make on who I dated. That helped out my situation a lot!!

Although I just broke up with my boyfriend so go figure!! haha. But that is beside the point.

[wordsmith]

If my family were rude to my SO, I'd have no problem standing up for him, or letting my family know we'd not be coming around, for what it's worth. I know my boyfriend RIPPED into his little brother for something he said to me when we first met at a family wedding, and his bro was wasted and inappropriate. I wasn't even really offended, because, hey, drunk kid, but it was worth noting that my BF did NOT let that fly.

[ebruening]

I did discuss this issue with my boyfriend last week. I told him that if my parents acted inappropriately toward him, that we'd leave immediately. I also told him that if he felt uncomfortable, and it obviously wasn't something I had picked up on, to let me know, and we'd leave. I made this clear to my parents, when I spoke with them after my discussion with my boyfriend. I told them that I thought they were acting inappropriately toward him, and were trying to sabotage our relationship, and that I didn't appreciate it. I told them that they would be expected to treat my boyfriend with respect, especially considering that he recently lost his younger brother.

We did see them, and some of my cousins, on Friday. My parents called me earlier in the evening, to invite me - but not my boyfriend - out to dinner, which they conveniently arranged at a time when they KNEW he would be at work. I told them that if they wanted me to come to dinner, they should change the reservation for a time when my boyfriend could attend as well. (FYI: It would have been a matter of delaying the reservation 15 - 30 minutes, so it's not as if I was asking for a delay of even an hour.) They refused to change it, and complained that I was being "rude" to my cousins, who would be out for dinner with them as well. I explained that we'd see them later that night, and didn't mention the issue to my boyfriend. It was better that he didn't know about the issue in the first place. When we met up with them, my parents were respectful, and expressed their sympathy to my boyfriend for his brother's death.

I hope they'll get the message soon that we are both to be included in family gatherings. If they don't, I won't be seeing them for some time.

[AshleyJordan]

I think you handled it very well! (Much better than I would've been able to, frankly.)

[ebruening]

I think you handled it very well! (Much better than I would've been able to, frankly.)

It was REALLY hard. I'm still dealing with angry parents, and I still have the nagging feeling that if something goes wrong in my relationship, my parents will use this evidence that I "made a mistake" by staying with him. I'm a "people pleaser," so I really dislike having my parents disapprove of my choices, but I also realize that I have to do what I think is right, even if it disappoints some people.

[Dirty Sanchez]

OMG, my husband could have written your post. My inlaws are seriously so evil that the minister (of "you can't shock the clergy, they've heard it all" fame) who married us had to meet them to believe the things we were saying. You need to lay the smack down with your family RIGHT THIS MINUTE.

They told me, "you're not married to him, you aren't under any obligation."
This is your family's attempt to control you, possibly because they feel threatened by your relationship with this guy. You're the youngest aren't you?

From what you have posted before, you see this guy as being a serious candidate for a lifelong commitment, therefore you DO have an obligation to him, because you love and are committed to him. It sounds to me like in your heart, you are married to him anyways. Your family needs to accept that, and if they live so close to you, they should be aware on at least some level of your feelings.

They also kept repeating that "this could be your last holiday with your grandmother." (My grandmother has dementia, and at nearly 88 years old, is in failing health).

Guilt. Manipulation. Control. My H's siblings have been jockeying for years to get the two of us to spend holidays apart, using claims that my MIL is in failing health. If I am to believe my sociopathic asshole of a BIL, my MIL has had last rites performed 17 times and has been clinically dead 5 times in the past two years. If you do not lay the smack down NOW, this shit will just spiral.

Even though your grandmother has dementia, there are ways to let her know that you still love her and care. Further, since she has dementia (as my MIL does) she may well not know that it is T-day, who you are, or whether or not you are there.

My need to spend the holiday with my boyfriend revolves around the fact that this will be his first Thanksgiving without his younger brother, who died in August. I want to support him, and I know that Thanksgiving is an important holiday for him and his family. Above all things, I love him, and I don't want him feeling like I've abandoned him.

I had a sibling die ON thanksgiving, which is why all of us and our spouses understand that the holiday is most often going to be spent with my parents. If you were to give into your family's pressure, 99% chance this guy would dump you and cut off all contact, and you'd deserve it.

My parents and sister haven't said a word to my boyfriend since his brother died, nearly 3 months ago. They apparently think it's no big deal, because they've tried to get me to leave him, saying that "his family has too much drama," and that I shouldn't be asked to "deal with it."

My ILs tried the same. Hate to say it, if it wasn't his brother, it would be his job, income, eye color... you name it. They are behaving terribly.


They're acting like his brother's death would be a great excuse for me to break up with him, because they think I'm being guilted into staying with him. They don't seem to understand that I genuinely WANT to spend Thanksgiving with him, and that I'm excited to take a vacation with him.



My boyfriend knows that my family doesn't like him. I've kept quiet about the comments they've made, because I don't want to upset him. However, the few times he has been around them, they've made no effort to conceal their dislike. He still goes to see them, though, because he knows that it is important to me.

Unless he's a better person than I, he probably only goes to see them bc he knows that seeing you two together causes your family emotional anguish. This is the only reason I have anything to do with any of my H's fam, because they have been such assholes to me that I enjoy hurting them psychologically.

My boyfriend and I are planning for the long-term, but I get the sense that my parents will continue meddling in our relationship, in the attempt to split us up.

My H and I very nearly did not get married because this is exactly what his fam is trying to do.

What ended up happening was that the more they realized we were serious (ie, when we got engaged) the situation spiralled out of control, and more and more people outside the family got dragged into a very, very ugly mess.

What my H did, was ended up sitting down each member of his family, explaining that he loved me, and giving them an ultimatum - you can accept and be civil to DS, or you won't have any relationship with me or my daughter. It ended up being an 8 hour screaming match with his SIL and 6 with his brother, with him calling their shit out and deconstructing every single reason they have for hating me (which at the end of the day boiled down to racism, classism, religious bigotry, and the fact that H's SIL wants to hop on his jock). H's sisters/BILS and extended fam just capitulated.

My BIL/his wife spent a few weeks afterwards trying to make peace with me, in fact my BIL seemed to be trying really hard and almost had me fooled. But our wedding day, they showed up at the church to try to stop the wedding and made a really ugly scene. That was a month ago, and none of us have spoken since. my H and I decided that this is the last straw, and we will never be able to have a relationship with them. The rest of H's fam just understands that family get togethers can include either my BIL and his fam, or H's and my fam, not both. The situation had just gone on so long and spiralled so much, that it is not reparable.

Bottom line, unfortunately some families just suck, and just have it in their heads that X child should not marry (H's fam has done this to every single GF he's had) , and you need to be prepared to lose your relationship with your fam over this. If they refuse to support what makes you happy, they're not worthy of having a relationship with you anyway.

But you need to put your foot down now, give them the ultimatum now, because the longer you wait, the worse it is going to get.

(((((ERIKA))))) You can PM me if you like.

[ebruening]

This is your family's attempt to control you, possibly because they feel threatened by your relationship with this guy. You're the youngest aren't you?

Nope, actually I'm the oldest. More coming via PM.