Another crazy relative thread.

[AshleyJordan]

I am so pissed right now. This sort of dovetails with my (and eb's) threads about family members and SO's but in a weird way. Long story short, I have a very strained relationship w/ my stepfather (who's been married to my mom, and in my life, for a little over 20 years.) He's just very, very toxic to me, and it's best that I limit my contact w/ him.

Because of scheduling (and, frankly, family) concerns, I have long since decided that I will not go home this year for Xmas. I wasn't sure what I would do instead, but since my BF and I are getting a place together soon, we thought it would be nice to have my mom over the week after. She was happy w/ the idea, he was happy, I was happy, we were all happy.

She was going to come alone because my stepdad wanted very much to come, but couldn't get the time off (um, he wasn't invited!) I called her to try and firm up travel plans, and she said that since my stepdad "just couldn't come," she couldn't take the train, she'd have to fly. Still, fine. I said (offhand,) that I thought the plan was all along for her to come solo. She went off about how I am dividing the family, there're a couple who do everything as a pair, etc., and she won't come since I don't want him there. Keep in mind that she would have come alone regardless, and she really knows that I wouldn't want him to visit, it's the idea of my not wanting my stepdad to come that pisses her off.

I said I want to control who's invited into my home, but since this is such a big issue, no problem, she doesn't have to come, I'll find a way to come home for Xmas this year. . . and she said I'm not invited anymore. WTF? How to handle this?

I understand partners being important, but I am her child that she had before she met my stepfather. I do understand the validity of treating one's partner/spouse well, but if I'm her kid, and her husband's a jerk to me, and she's never done anything to stop it, I think it's fine for me to invite just her. Also, my stepfather is just prone to being a real jerk-- he'll get really angry and make a lot of inappopriate/ridiculous comments-- it's not uncommon for him to have too much to drink and start calling me a socialist (OK, maybe that's true,) a b***, a d**e, etc. I don't think I should have to put up w/ that, esp. in my own house.

ETA: I left off the convo by telling her I'd give her a week to get back to me with her "final decision." She said, dramatically, "You've already made it for me." I'm sure she'll still come, but it just bothers me that she wants me to put up with stepdad's crap like that.

[embrassezla]

Also, my stepfather is just prone to being a real jerk-- he'll get really angry and make a lot of inappopriate/ridiculous comments-- it's not uncommon for him to have too much to drink and start calling me a socialist (OK, maybe that's true,) a b***, a d**e, etc. I don't think I should have to put up w/ that, esp. in my own house.
And your mother knows about this? Her priorities are obviously really screwed up if she does. And you are absolutely right, you should be allowed to control who comes into YOUR home. I wouldn't want to go home for Christmas either, sheesh. Sorry you have to deal with that.

[AshleyJordan]

Oh, she knows. The only condition I placed on my spending time around him is that he has to promise not to say abusive things to me or anyone I bring into the house, he shouldn't yell at me, and he shouldn't be physically violent towards me or others. She said she agrees that those are reasonable requests, but that I can be so infuriating (this goes back to a fight that's now over a year old where he really lost his temper,) that he's within his rights to do those things and she can't promise that he, or she, won't act abusively. . . because in my case, it's justified. Obviously that's a sick way to talk/think, I was just hoping that if it were just her, on my turf, she'd act normal. Not that this should matter, but it drives me crazy that she's also a teacher who's trusted with taking care of children and that she comes up with these ridiculous arguments. She acknowledges that this is abusive behavior and it's embarrassing I should even ask for these things, but that somehow, since it's me, it's OK. Totally sick.

[Dirty Sanchez]

he's within his rights to do those things and she can't promise that he, or she, won't act abusively. . . because in my case, it's justified..

Do not make me come up there and kick your ass. Why is someone who feels you deserve to be physically and verbally abused still allowed in your life? Stay with your BF's fam for christmas. You're seriously too good for this shit. :mad:

[AshleyJordan]

You're probably right. Every time I try to set boundaries, she comes up with more crap like this.

[winneythepooh7]

I'm sorry you are going through this Ashley! I'd really stick to your guns on this one. You aren't doing anything wrong.

[wordsmith]

Your mom is nuts if she's justifying abusive treatment of one of her children. Nuts.

Sorry, I have really strong views on parents who enable an abusive spouse.

[and1grad]

I said (offhand,) that I thought the plan was all along for her to come solo.
All the other stuff said, you probably could've just left this part of the convo out. She probably already knows thats what you would want anyway and thought you were rubbing it in her face. Just a thought.

[AshleyJordan]

I hear you, and1. I don't disagree with what you were saying, but this was her way of trying to finagle an invite for my stepdad-- or, if I didn't respond, to hope that I'd tacitly approve of his attendance. She said this in a very leading way, and she's always looking for "ins" for me to be like, "Oh, great, bring him along," (for example her big prelude about how he was dying to come visit us but just couldn't seem to get the days off.)

[AshleyJordan]

Your mom is nuts if she's justifying abusive treatment of one of her children. Nuts.

Sorry, I have really strong views on parents who enable an abusive spouse.

I know, I agree, and I share your views. I'm doing the very best that I can, and honestly every time that she does this stuff it hurts me a little less. I just can not wrap my mind around what's she's doing, nor should I try. Like I said, it has gotten easier and easier to just tune her out.

[allie1105]

Just out of curiosity - does your step dad treat your mom as badly as he treats you?

[AshleyJordan]

Just out of curiosity - does your step dad treat your mom as badly as he treats you?


No, certainly not as a habit. He'll get super-angry with her sometimes and make horrible comments, but he's usually really nice to her. In fact, she's kind of crappy to him a lot of the time, and he takes it out on other people. You see where this is going. . . .:rolleyes:

[arrow]

Aw Ashley that sucks! I'm so sorry. I hope you find a way to see your mom alone, but if you don't well that's her loss. Good thing you have the boyfriend now, though, to be there for you when crap like this goes down.

[AshleyJordan]

OK, her B-day is fast approaching, and I feel so ambivelent. I don't have much $ now to send her a gift (and honestly don't have much inclination to, either,) but I'm afraid I'll feel even worse if I don't send her anything. Just venting.