scared

[Unregistered]

I just want to tell about my quarterlife crisis, just want to write things down.
I graduated 4 years ago top 10% of my year, went to one of the best universities of the country and was going towards a bright future. Since then i quit college, moved back to my parents, have been unemployed for a while (i have a good job now) and lost most of my friends. The pressure that fell on me after graduation from highschool and starting to live alone was huge. I felt like everyone was looking at me. The pressure of keeping up with what i thought everyone was expecting of me was killing me. For 2 years i slept about 2 hours a night. I was a mental and Physical wreck. Then i broke down. I moved back to my parents. Quit college. everyone was suprised, they hadnt seen it coming. Some of my profs tried to keep me in college. I talked to a counselor, he send me to therapy. A clinical depression was diagnosed.
I havent seen or heard from any of my college friends since i quit. I had to make new friends. I am taking anti depressives and i am in therapy. Still i am scared. Did i make the right decissions, should i have done things differently? I was 17 when i started college. Way to young if you ask me. I am 21 years old now and i have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. Go back to school or keep working? When do i want to move out of my parents place? What do i want to study if i go back to college? Where do i want to work? People say i am still so young, i dont have to make all these decissions yet. But after what i have been through, i feel like i should know what i want.

[Mariem]

HI,

I just want to say first off, Congratulations for getting help. It's good you're doing positive things for youself. I'll tell you a little bit about myself and then I have some advice for you.

I'm 25 and I graduated college in '99. I moved to NYC to do an internship related to my major (sport management) right out of college. I had always wanted to live in New York so I thought it would be a good experience. Looking back, it was a good experience. I found out that I didn't wanted a career in my major and I hated living and working in Manhattan. The city was too big for me, there were too many people, it was too fast-paced and too expensive. I moved back to Boston and was unemployed for 3 months. The first job I was offered (through a high school acquaintance), I took. A year and a half later, here I am still not sure what I want to do with my life, but knowing a few things I DON'T want to do with my life.

The lesson here: try things you're interested in to see if you like them. If it turns out it's not what you thought it would be, try something else. I really enjoyed studying sport management in college, so I did. I had always wanted to live in NYC, so I did. In doing so, I found out that my main goal in a career is to improve other people's lives in some way, whether my work is social services, education, or counseling. I'm trying to find out what field I can best accomplish this through. I also figured out, through trial and error, that living in NYC is not for me. I felt bad about moving back to Boston, thinking that I had failed. But really, how can I say that I failed when I took a risk and accomplished a goal that had been in my head for several years now? Now I don't think about NYC anymore and I'm not seeking out careers in sport management. Over the past year and a half of working in the marketing department of a financial services firm, I've also come to the conclusion that this type of work is not for me either. Sometimes, finding what's right for you is just a process of elimination. You try one thing, you don't like it, so you move on to the next.

I think you should take some classes that interest you at night at a local college. Just take one or two classes a semester to see what you're interested in. It's good that you're living at home so you can get the support (emotional and financial) that you need from your parents. Also, I'm reading a career book called "Do What You Are" I totally recommend it. It has a lot of good exercises you do to figure out your personality, values, interests, etc. I also have "What Color Is Your Parachute?" but I haven't started it yet. Another one I have is "Wishcraft" which I also haven't started yet. These are some books that are good to use to help you figure out what you want out of your life. I'm amazed that "QuarterLife Crisis" is the first book (i think) on what we're going through. It's such a hard stage of life, I can't believe no one warned me about it.

You're obviously very bright and mature, for figuring out when you need more help than you can give yourself. I'm also in therapy right now and taking Paxil for panic attacks that began in my junior year in college. I have a really close family and a couple of good friends (although I'm trying to make more friends).

Your friends and family are right: you are very young. It's good that you like your job. Keep doing that and try to broaden your horizons a bit by taking some classes at an affordable local college, read about possible careers, talk to people who do things that seem interesting to you. Also, don't forget to have fun with your friends! You young. Go out and enjoy yourself. You don't have to have everything figured out yet (if ever).

Write back :)

[sunbear]

don't even know where to begin but this site is a godsend.

To the last two posters, I was just there. Maybe this is just a really long pep talk,
but I really wanted to say something. To Scared-
graduating at the top 10% of your class is SO impressive, it seems like people were definately rooting for you with what
you wrote.
I had to pay for everything so I waited tables while I went to school full time- I didn't even have a safety net or moral support from my family: then so there were definately pressures. I started having panic attacks my junior year in school after running into a couple of illnesses. I was always healthy and a person that usually isn't scared of much. I sought therapy and finished the next summer. I was living alone working for my present employer when the 9-11 events and along with some other events, I relapsed and had to seek treatment again.
To be honest, being tired, stressed and depressed (about anything) made me vulnerable to the panic thing. The negative thinking spiralled out of control, and because I didn't feel like a had a choice. It sounds a lot more of a mess that it appeared.
The scariest thing about growing up and getting older is discovering our own limitations. It's a perspective type of thing.
And the trickier event is pressure- it seems like people have high hopes for this and that, and for a number of good intentions- we WANT to do accomplish so many things that
sometimes we totally forget that we have a human element.
You said that you were headed for a "bright future"- You graduated at the top 10% of your class- It sounds like you're just having a minor setback. :0) Since when did your bright future stop? I think you know exactly what you are afraid of,
and didn't mention it.
The only thing I really know about you is what you wrote online-

I'm 27 year old now working at a toxic job in a big name corperation- which is in a male dominated industry for only a bitter salary... I'm grateful to have a salary- I am disappointed because I thought my options would be better- it's still my first job out of college and I'm hoping I can fine tune my career path with the experience I have. The job market isn't that great right now, and I have to learn to deal with what I can't control with right now.
What to do next - I have a little suggestion. It sounds crazy, but please hear me out. WE all have something we enjoy: even if
it's flowers, cute animals, the beach, religion, sports, some good tunes, pictures, cooking, friends, humor, a favorite bar, shopping for shoes: just a few ideas. Even if they're silly- gotta start from somewhere.
This is what I've learned to do when I'm trying to clear my head from stress, It has also motivated me (or even inspired me) to make my decisions.
I think we're even doing good if we
know ourselves at this point as busy as we get. During college I was told one thing, "Do what you love, because you'll be doing it for a really long time."
It's true! Anything I learned to love- I liked doing them so much that I kept on doing them- and developed some talent out of it. I don't have any strategic advice... I'm still taking the baby steps.

It feels like I was 21 just a little while ago- No regrets. I made a few mistakes, but nothing major. There's never a wrong or right, just the best decision... it's life- trivial/relative... stay at home, work, go to school, etc. (?) Do what ever works for you.

-time REALLY flies! I spent all of my time doing what everyone else expected of me- parents, profs, bosses, bill collectors, peers,
etc. And I know family and kids will probably be next and my inbetween time is going too fast. You have so much time to start
having fun. You have time- have something for yourself!

I can only wish you luck: The future is always going to be the greatest mystery- the rest of our lives will get here whether we want it to or not.

Cheers!

[crazy-girl]

This may seem like a stupid question but how do you know if you're "depressed" or in a bad mood? I've taken those tests online and they say I'm depressed but is that true? Or do they just tell everyone "see a doctor".

I've been down for a while and sometimes I think it's just because I'm in a shitty job and have no friends in this city I live in and then sometimes I remember that I've always been overly emotional and that sometimes in college I would just cry myself to sleep because I was so scared about everything coming up.

But isn't that normal? How do you know if you're just dealing with angst or if you're seriously depressed?

I know that I should probably talk to someone but it took all of my nerve to e-mail this center the other week and the guy just e-mailed back and gave me a number and I haven't worked up the nerve to call the number.

Plus, my other worry is that I'm so broke right now. How could I afford therapy or pills if I needed them? How could I even budget that into my life?

I guess it would help if some of you could tell me how you knew that it was more than a bad mood and how you got the nerve to do something about it.

[sunbear]

Crazy girl-
I have two cent to throw into the bucket here.
I think what you're asking is a rhetorical question- like what is the difference between allergies and the flu: but you're diagnosing yourself by using a website on the computer.
I think Scared said she was licenced by a medical professional.
It can't be possibly anything she is making up or dragging out of proportion.
But it usually doesn't appear as bad on the outside as it does on the inside. She could only sleep for 2 hours at a time. WHen you're in a bad mood- at least for me I can sleep fine eventually. Even when I'm stressed out I can even stay asleep until I get a good 6. You can still function in a bad mood- usually have a much harder time doing it if you're struggling with depression.
I've moved way across the country after I graduated college. It isn't easy, Kudos to you- I think were much better for it. It isn't easy let me tell you, I now live in Southern California- it's so different out here. It seems like the lonliness can be overwhelming, even if you're surrounded by people.
Oh by the way- I think you should call the guy up that you
were recommended for. Seriously. What is the worst that could happen? YOU are your best asset- I had a therapist for a few months and I loved her. It really helps to have someone to talk to or coach you through your thoughts. It helps even if you're not sick. I was able to go because of my insurance through my job.
It doesn't have to be a therapist, it could be a minister, trusted friend, etc. I have little money and for a few months- all of it went to a bunch of long distance phone calls.
Being away from home is tough because we have to make it ok for ourselves.

[belgagirl]

crazy-girl and hookemhorns (and anyone else). i've thought a lot about the depression vs. having a bad day question. for 2 years i worked with adolescents and adults in a psychiatric hospital. aside from my educational training, my daily observations taught me a lot about depression. here is my two cents.
if you haven't already, start writing your feelings down, in a diary, or whatever. this is very cathartic and in many cases, can help lessen your anxiety and depression because it is an outlet to vent and organize your thoughts. after a while, review it and take a look at these two key areas:
PERSISTENCE - are the feelings of sadness, worthlessnes, hopelessness, etc, always there? morning? noon? night? while dreaming? no matter what you are doing? is there ever a reprieve? do you ever experience joy or happiness? (if so, make sure to make a note of those times and what it was that made you happy so you can analyze that later)
PERVASIVE - do the feelings of sadness, worthlessness, helplessness, etc. permeate ALL areas of your life? or is it limited to one area? or a couple of areas? do you no longer enjoy things you once enjoyed?
if your feelings are persistent and pervasive, please go see a doctor about it, even if you really don't have $ to do it. your mental health is far more precious than anything else. as WeirdBrake said, depression is a monster and i have seen the devastating effects of those people who waited too long to get help. many states even offer free health services in which you may receive therapy and/or medication at a reduced rate or even FREE! i would be happy to personally help you locate those services if you need them.

[Beetso]

You are only 21 years old, Unregistered. You need to just take a step back and relax. You should finish your education, but there's no rush. If you get your degree by 25, that's fine. I think the problem with a lot of twentysomethings is that they work their ass off in school for 12 years, then go straight to college & work their ass off for another four, then start a career, and work their ass off for the next 40 years. What kind of life is that? You've got to stop and smell the roses once in a while.

The pressure you speak of is entirely of your own design. If you are 32 and still lacking direction, then you should worry, but not before then. I am 25 and finally have REAL pressure. I am scrapping my computer career in favor of corporate management. I have been living paycheck to paycheck for my entire married life (4 years), have a ten month old son, and a second child on the way. I am pursuing an opportunity 1500 miles away from home and parents. I am packing everything I own into a U-Haul and hitting the road. I have pressure. My "playtime" is officially over. The next couple over years will determine the degree of my success in life. The time has finally come to shit or get off the pot. I think that your twenties are the time try different things...see what you like when false starts are still acceptable. I've had more experiences in the last seven years than many people have in a lifetime, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Since high school I have:

Overcome a methamphetamine addiction
Gotten an A.A. degree
Played bass in a band
Fallen in love
Joined the Army
Learned Arabic
Gotten Married
Gotten a Tech school degree
Worked in the Computer industry for 2 years
Bought my first NEW car
Had a child...

and these are only the major events. My point? Life is full of adventures, most good, some bad, but ALL important in shaping who you are. You are just going through one of these tribulations. No big deal. I will leave you with three of my favorite quotes: "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.", "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.", and finally, "If you've got one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you're pissing all over today." Take from these what you will, but I think all three are words to live by.

[Jackie]

Hey Mariem,

What was so bad about NY? I've always thought it was supposed to be a cool place to live...and am looking into some schools there as well, so any info would be helpful to me since I don't know anyone there...

Thanks,
Jackie