Who was wrong here?

[DCgirl]

I had an unfortunate situation occur to me almost 6 months ago. This situation made me finally realize that men regard a friendship SO much differently than women. Here is my story.

I use to be good friends (without benefits) with Patrick, who is 29 years old. We were like that show Will & Grace...except he wasn't gay and I wasn't a red-head. We has been friends for 2 years.

I went on a cruise several months ago with Patrick, who was a platonic friend. He wanted to share a room because he was in debt and couldn't afford a room of his own (at the time, I didn't know he was 60K in debt from partying too much in college...his mother told me this fact later on). We figured the beds would be seperate. We got there and the room had 1 bed. He told me that if I didn't mind then he didn't mind. I figured it was no big deal because we did not have romantic feelings for each other and the bed was big enough where there would be no touching.

A couple of days into the cruise, my friend found a girl to hook up with. We were at a bar and she and her group of galfriends were beside us. They had all recently graduated from vet school at the University of Illinois. We started talking to them and they all assumed that Patrick and I were a couple. So I said really loud for the girls to hear "Patrick, find me a girl" routine and I walked away from the group (leaving him with all those girls) so that the boy would get a chance to hook up with 1 of them. He found 1 to hook up with and I was happy for him. We had 1 rule. No sleep overs. After dinner, he said he was hanging out with his new found chick. I went back to the room and passed out. Around 3am I felt someone shaking my arm to wake me up. It was Patrick. I asked him "what's wrong?" He said "Move over, she is here." I said "what?" He said "she is here." I said "are you F@cking kidding me?!" He shot me a look as to say shut up because she was in the bathroom and the walls were paper thin.

The next thing I knew, his ho (her name is Joyce) crawled up into bed. So here we were....me, him, and his ho...all in 1 bed. They passed out and were snoring in a matter of a few minutes. I was livid. I got up, changed from my pjs to jeans and shirt, and left.

The next day, Patrick found me shortly before dinner. He said "I'm sorry." I said he really disrespected me. He said "If you were really my friend, then you would accept my apology and we can get past this." The apology was no where near sincere. In fact, he was annoyed. He didn't want to truly admit how F'ed up the situation was, which he caused.

I jumped off the boat the following day while he, his ho, and the ho's friends were hanging out on the beach...he didn't invite me to the beach with them!

He called me the next day from the boat. He said he didn't realize how pissed I was with him and he didn't understand. He asked me if I was inlove with him because my actions didn't make any sense to him unless I was crushing on him. I told him I wasn't, but that I considered him 1 of my dearest friends and he totally disrespect me. He still couldn't comphrend it.

We haven't talked since that phone conversation the day after I jumped off the cruise and went back to the states. He never called me, IMed me, or anything since then.

Who was wrong in this situation?

[winneythepooh7]

It sounds like he hasn't at least tried to respect your feelings and where you are coming from. Also sounds like he is very stubborn and does not want to be the one to "give in" in this situation. I have taken on the stance that if people make you feel like crap, it is best not to have them in your life. In my opinion, this sounds like one of those people.

[Vikarious]

Who's wrong????
I think that's pretty clear. That's rude and disrespectful.

[spiritedaway]

Someone who totally disregarded your feelings and disrespected you? With friends like that, who needs enemies? (Seriously)

If he ever comes back and wants to friends again, seriously reconsider the "friendship".

[old_school_soul]

did he bone the girl in bed while you were there?

[DCgirl]

did he bone the girl in bed while you were there?


No, he didn't. They both were fast asleep and snoring in a matter of a few minutes after hitting the bed. Why does that matter anyway? He used that excuse with me too. He said "it's not like we had sex in front of you"....as if that justified his action.

That's not the point though. It was 1 bed and he brought a stranger, regardless of the fact that she was a petite woman, into the room when we had an agreement of no sleep overs.

I'm no longer friends with the jerk and many people say "get over it and be happy he is out of your life". I am glad he is out of my life but it still hurts. I really invest a lot in my friendships with people. I'm not one of these people who uses the word 'friend' lightly. I consider myself to have only 4 friends (now 3) and the rest are all social acquantences. So when one of my dearest friends disrespected me, it cuts deep and I just can't "get over it"...but I am trying.

I find it ironic that the majority of people I told this suitation to and agree with me are women. It seems like a lot of men don't seem to get the fact that it's about respect and not some sort of secret/jealous crush.

[TinyDancer]

I'm with you. Sex or not, that would make me uncomfortable. In fact, I probably wouldn't have allowed them to stay that night. Their drunk asses could go to HER room!

I understand that it hurts, but given his reaction and the fact that he hasn't made an effort to contact you at all. . . he is indeed a jerk and doesn't deserve to be on your roster of best friends.

[spiritedaway]

For what it's worth, I don't think we can generalize that most men don't think the situation as disrepectful. (They probably don't think it's a big deal)

I'm not a guy so I could dead wrong, but most guys I know are laid back, so they won't see it as a big deal if nothing happened (though it's irrelevant here).

I think it has mostly to do with general attitudes and how people are brought up. I think guys, in general (yes, this is a generalization) are okay with having two girls in one bed with a guy (I mean, some guys fantasize that...)

If, however, you flip the situation around and have two guy friends sleeping in the same bed (two good friends), I'm pretty confident that guys who didn't have a problem with your situation will now have a "HELL NO, I"M NOT SHARING A BED WITH YOU" issue. Just saying. :D

Your situation was beneficial and of convenience to your "friend", so it wasn't a big deal to him (even though he reneged on a agreed upon split room).

Personally, I'm very conservative on some things so it's unlikely that I would ever split the same bed with a platonic friend of the opposite gender, even if we were really good friends. If he's that good of a friend, then either he or I will take the floor (and the floor really isn't so bad, speaking from family trip experiences). If I were in your situation, I'd probably kick both of them out.

I do know what you mean about having someone who you thought was a close friends hurt you, and it can be hard to move on from it...(ending a close friendship). My only advice is give it some time and make some good friends who you can trust, and believe me, the pain will ease.

Don't dwell on it, and good luck.

[The Happy Hodag]

I find it ironic that the majority of people I told this suitation to and agree with me are women. It seems like a lot of men don't seem to get the fact that it's about respect and not some sort of secret/jealous crush.

I'm a guy.

That said, I'm glad I'm in the minority on this and actually agree with you 100%.

-The Happy Hodag!

[wordsmith]

Pretty skanky and disrespectful. And it would be if the roles were reversed, too, and it was you bringing somebody back.

[old_school_soul]

The difference is, if rolls were reversed--if a girl brought a dude to my bed and he didn't leave--it would likely result to fisticuffs.

Not blaming the victim, but you should've shoved the bitch outta your bed.

[old_school_soul]

I consider myself to have only 4 friends (now 3) and the rest are all social acquantences. So when one of my dearest friends disrespected me, it cuts deep and I just can't "get over it"...but I am trying.
.

Never be more of a friend than that person is willing to be to you. Friendship is earned and is a long trial.. and likely they will hurt you at some point, even as good friends.. and they will apologize, and you have to get over it. You will likely hurt someone you consider friends as well, and I'm sure you will be hoping for the same thing.

If anything, that dude was trying to make you jealous and get a response out of you. It's clear to me that he liked you.

[DCgirl]

If anything, that dude was trying to make you jealous and get a response out of you. It's clear to me that he liked you.


Why does is have to be like that? At the time, I had a crush on one of his friends and he knew that and it was no issue with him. In his defense (I can't believe I just said that), I do not believe he liked me in a romantic sense. If he did, then he would have made a move on me instead of trying to find some random girl to hook up with.

I'm pretty much over it. I've learned to not put too much faith/trust in my friendship with men. I truly now believe that men have some sort of twisted defination of what is a friendship with a platonic female friend. It's like he wanted to treat me like 'one of the boys', which was okay, but when we already set a rule about no sleep overs and he broke it....well that's just not right. If it was one of my best girlfriends and she brought over some random guy to sleep in the same bed with, then I would have the same reaction. At the end of the day it's about respect and I don't think many people truly value and understand the meaning of respect in a friendship.

[Kragthorpe]

I'm pretty much over it. I've learned to not put too much faith/trust in my friendship with men. I truly now believe that men have some sort of twisted defination of what is a friendship with a platonic female friend. It's like he wanted to treat me like 'one of the boys', which was okay, but ........


THIS speaks volumes. You're NOT over it.

First, I question just how "platonic" you want things to be. I know you say and likely believe that's what things were to you, but I have to believe that in your darkest, deepest moments, you wanted more because you're talking about your "faith and trust in men," and that "It's like he wanted you to be one of the boys," but then really want exactly something else.

Men have friends. Period. Men have some friends who are better than others, yes, but friends and potential mates are two different things, and there really are no subcategories within those two. If he considered you his friend and only a friend, then doing this is disrespectful to be sure, but it pretty much takes a friend stabbing him in the groin with a chainsaw for a guy to disspell a friend. That tells me the separation/lack of calling to apologize/etc. is your doing. Not that he's not wrong...but guys typically don't realize they're wrong, and when they do, they're often content to let it blow over without formal apology, believing "hey...we're friends, so it's cool." We're neanderthals like that sometimes.

Bottom line is this: You need to search your heart and see if you were hoping for more than "platonic friends." (Really? What mixed couple friends ever take a cruise together? Not unheard of, sure...but it raises questions). If you were hoping for more...tell HIM. So he'll know and so that you'll know for you if you can ever have what you're hoping for. And tell him he was disrespectful if you believe he was and talk to him. Get it on the table. He may very well be treating you "like a friend." And though he may be wrong and know he was wrong, there's no reason to lose trust or gain a well of anger because you lead him to believe he can treat you "like a friend" but then become upset when he does just that. Talk with him, define the relationship, and even if not, express to him that yeah...you expect SOME different treatment than just his guy friends even if things are "just platonic."

Good luck.

[Rage]

I follow the wingman policy. I'm a guy and I wouldn't care if my friend brought someone back to the room, as long as they either had a separate bed, or took the floor together. Sharing a bed with someone else other than a significant other is weird for me though. I always have to split the blankets or something. I am not sure I speak for all guys (I probably don't).

That being said, if you guys were friends enough to share a bed on a cruise together, it's strange that he'd drop your friendship for some girl he'll never see again.

[DCgirl]

That being said, if you guys were friends enough to share a bed on a cruise together, it's strange that he'd drop your friendship for some girl he'll never see again.

I know, right! It's been over 7 months now since this inccident occured. It plays out like a movie. :heehee: Now it's just a funny story that me and my friends laugh about at Patrick's expense.

He's a loser and, honestly speaking, I still feel like a little bit of a chump for not catching the "red flags" of his selfish character from the get go. I guess I like to see the good in people no matter what. I knew something wasn't right during th cruise when he stated that he was the exact same person that he was when he was 23, but only with more money (he was 29 when he made that statement). He said it as if was a good thing. I looked at him in disbelief and disgust, but I don't think he even noticed it.

I truly believe in Karma and I know Patrick will get his eventually. His own mother told me that her little boy has always been selfish and that's why he can't hold on to a lasting relationship. The funny thing is that Patrick complained about how it was the girls that hurt him.

My only regret about cutting his friendship out of my life is that I miss his parents. His mom was such a funny lady and we clicked instantly. She even named one of her products after me (she makes her own jewerly and sells them online). Oh well. I didn't get a Christmas card/email/comment from his family, so I guess that says it all. She told me earlier in the year when all this went down that she is on my side when it came to what happened on the cruise. She even called her son a shithead for doing this to me. :haha: However, the fact of the matter is that she's also his mom so no matter what, her loyality lies with her selfish asshole of a son.

[DCgirl]

Anyway, you could/should have had him foot the bill because "he took the whole room" and kept the friendship.

I don't what to maintain a friendship with a selfish person who can't swallow his own pride even when he knows that he was wrong. He had 2 days on that cruise to make it right by sincerely apologizing to me and include me in the group. Rather, he decided to hang out with her and her friends (he didn't invite me to hang out with them) and left me by myself. No wait..he did invite me once to the club with him; specifically, he mentioned that the ho had a couple of guyfriends that I may be interested in. I think it was his way of trying to ignore the conflict and truly realise how he acted like a totally prick. As if hooking up with some random guy on that boat was going to make things right. Whatever!

It's about respect. There were boundaries and he crossed it. He thought he would get a little slap on the wrist and call it a day. I don't think so. He wasn't even drunk becuause I remember him fluffying the pillows and straightening out the blanket (while she was in the bathroom and I was sitting there in the bed in disbelief and shock) and sniffing the pillow sheets real quick. He may have had a slight buzz, but he was no where incoherant. Therefore, he KNEW what he was doing. That's the F'ed up part about all of it. He knew he was being selfish.

I can't wait when karma gets him. I'm keeping on contact with a mutal acqautance of ours. This mutal acquantance is the guy I was crushing on at the time of the cruise. So when karma does catch up with him, I'm sure that I'll hear about it. :D In the meantime, I've met some new friends and moving on with life.