Need some QLC advice pls..

[jherio]

Just wondering... Are there any other people going through their QLC and have realized that they don't have anything in common with the people they grew up with? I've been in the same tight circle of girlfriends since I was 13 (I'm 22 now) and I feel like I'm so much more different than them now. (We all have matching tattoos even). We have totally different goals in life. I feel like I can't learn or grow when I'm around them because they're so closeminded a lot of times. I've always been the eccentric one in the group, but now I feel like its time to really start breaking off. I don't hang out with them as much, but I feel guilty for not calling them all the time anymore. This has been slowly progressing for over a year now, but I'm at the point where I feel like I wanna start meeting new people that I can connect with on a different level.. I've always been a thinker and into art, music and academics and they like partying alot and smoking weed all day. Don't get me wrong I like going out and having fun but they're at the point where one of my girlfriends got kicked out of the club last weekend. Am I being snobbish? I can't help it that I feel this way and I wanna start a new beginning.. Any advice?

[TankgirlyC]

Sounds like you feel the need to explore other people and havent done so since you were 13.

Having close friends is great but you also need to grow and find others that are new, it enables you to see others and what their worlds are like.

Its hard to go off on your own after having the same people in your daily life for almost a decade.....but you will feel strong once you do it and you will learn new things about yourself and the world when you do find these people.

If you feel your not wanting to be around your friends....its telling you something. Listen to this inner voice.....

Its hard, but stay strong.

[pisces2473]

You aren't being snobbish at all!!! It's natural to be interested in different things and when you don't have that many things in common, there's less keeping you in contact with each other. You don't have to be official about not wanting to see them (no "this friendship is over" speech) but if you don't want to go to the clubs with them because of their behavior, then don't go. If they ask why, then tell them that you aren't into that stuff and/or their behavior embarrasses you. You are on the right track--they will probably end up in some kind of trouble if they keep acting as they do. I'm sure you're probably worried about growing apart from them, especially if you don't have any other friends and you're thinking, "Great, it's so hard to make them." Are you in school, do you work, are you involved in activities? Use those things as a way to connect with people, especially since they are doing things you like to do. Good luck and welcome!

[Crimson King]

...knowing I no longer have things in common with people I grew up with. Often, I see them finding themselves in tough spots in their life...I wouldn't trade with them for anything.

But yes. This does happen. But I think it makes you better and gives you reason and opportunity to broaden your influence and meet new and different people...makes you more diverse of interest and community. Embrace it!

[jherio]

The thing is that I'm meeting a lot of new friends that I really click with. And I love going out, but when I wake up the next day I usually remember everything. My friend who got kicked out told me that she blacked out and didn't remember anything. I usually go out once or twice a week but I don't drink to the point of where I'm not in control of my actions. My boyfriend and them don't get along, which is a big reason why we've been drifting apart. They have nothing in common at all. My boyfriend and I have so much stuff in common. He's very cultured, well read, and an amazing musican. My gf's are not culutured at all, I always tried to interest them in other things but I've finally realized that they gonna be how they are I guess and I can't expect them to be at my level and interested in things I like, when they're just not. I'm in my 4th year of college about to get into grad school (hopefully!!) and I'm very involved in creating art and music. None of my friends have degrees beyond AAs, none of them have anything they're passionate about. Which is why we're clashing more and more as the years go on I guess. Thanks for welcoming me! I feel much better already..

[pisces2473]

Glad to hear things are going so well for you in your life! Just concentrate on the things you enjoy, your classes, your BF and the new people you're meeting. It will get better--this is probably just a transitory phase.

[Kerilynne]

hrough the years, I have lost contact with the people that I have gone to school with. I have an online journal that a lot of my friends that I am with now have, and I find it a big help to know that people are going through the same thing that you are to some extent. The link for this livejournal is in my profile.
:)

[careerstudent]

You are not being snobbish. It's called growing as a person. You shouldn't have people around you who will pull you down, you should be surrounded by people who want to help you succeed. I'm not saying to distance yourself from everyone who doesn't want to pursue a Master's degree or creative arts, I'm just saying to surround yourself with positive people. And your friends just want to smoke weed and be irresponsible?? Come on! You're going places and they're not, and they'll never understand because they have no desire to.

I've grown away from lifelong friends (and some family for that matter), but that doesn't make me a bad person. It just means that I'm in a different place in my life than they are, and that's fine. I have this one friend that I was totally inseperable from. But when we graduated from high school, I got a job and she didn't. I got a car, and she didn't. I got an apartment and she didn't. I went back to college and she didn't. I got a steady boyfriend and she didn't. I'm making progress in my career and she's still in the same situation she was in when we graduated from high school 6 years ago. That was just a natural progression away from each other. We couldn't possibly remain close when I was trying to be responsible by maintaining a steady job, going back to college, paying rent, car note, utilities, etc., and all she wanted to do is live with her parents, party, and smoke weed for a living. We still speak if we see each other, but that's about as far as it goes. I can't put myself in a situation where I'm with her and she gets caught with weed or smoking weed and I go to jail with her. I could lose my job, get kicked out of school, have that on my record, etc. There are consequences to hanging around people whose lives aren't going in the same direction as yours, which is forward.

You shouldn't put yourself in situations that could jeopardize your future to maintain friendships. If they can't understand that, then they're not your friends anyway.

[coll214]

Originally posted by careerstudent

But when we graduated from high school, I got a job and she didn't. I got a car, and she didn't. I got an apartment and she didn't. I went back to college and she didn't. I got a steady boyfriend and she didn't. I'm making progress in my career and she's still in the same situation she was in when we graduated from high school 6 years ago.


Describes one of my friends to a T. She's in the same place she was when we were 16 and it just depresses me. Sure college isn't for everyone, but the same job we had at 16?? And any time you mention doing anything else she gets defensive. While I haven't completely stopped talking to her, it's definitely less frequently now. If we didn't still have some same friends in common, i doubt i'd still be talking to her...

So, no jherio you're not being snobbish. Sometimes friends just grow apart, it sucks but it happens. I'd just say slowly stop calling them back or going out to the places you dont want to and hopefully they'll get the picture.

[Crimson King]

...of people like this. I refuse to let it depress me though. We got, apparently, a bad crop in my senior class. All of the gang I ran with is now doing absolutely nothing with their life. Those classes before and after us are quite successful, and I'm doing more on par with them. I see many of the old gang around town and they absolutely respect me to no end...they're flattering, when they weren't before. They seek advice, when they didn't before. They are very nice, when sometimes they weren't before. They're more interested in me now, when they weren't before. And they are often in the same situation they were in 9 years ago when we graduated--often going nowhere. They don't worship me...but they have told me they do want me to do well because I'm the standard bearer for our old crowd.

I don't find that depressing at all...and I consider it something of an honor when they say these things. I sometimes pity them...and I'm there if they need me, but it doesn't upset ME. It's a bit more responsibility--you can't let people take advantage of you, and I don't. But I don't mind.

I don't see the depression from that. Thoughts anyone? Is THAT wrong in itself?

[coll214]

It's not so much that I get depressed for me, I Know i'm doing better; it's more like why won't she do anything for herself? Why not get a new job, a license? why not pick up the phone once in awhile instead of waiting around for everyone else to? Many ppl from our class have gone on to other things, some have come back and been successful in the area too... So i guess it's more it confuses me as to why doesn't she want to do anything else w/ her life? A knight in shining armor isn't going to come into your living room to sweep you off your feet!! You have to be a little proactive!!

[pisces2473]

As many of you know, Coll and I are friends off QLC too and while I've never met her friend who's like this, I've heard plenty of stories and they make me angry. Like, how the hell has she gotten this far without her license??? That is just crazy. It's not like we live in a city with good transportation options either. I'm like, "Why can't I be lazy like that and have people do stuff for me?" But then I remember that I like my independence. :)

[careerstudent]

"How the hell did she get this far without a license"

I feel the same way about my used to be friend. Not necessarily how did she get this far without a license, but how the hell did she get this far and not try to make any effort to improve her life!

Here we all are on this website experiencing QLCs because we aren't at the place we thought we'd be, but we're all working towards something. Then there's people like my friend, coll's friend, and jherio's friends who have no goals in life and just aspire to be nothing and accomplish nothing.

It's just mind boggling to me. I know that college isn't for everyone, but independence should be for everyone. You don't have to go to college, but do something that resembles responsibility, like get a job, or get a car, or stop mooching off of parents when you're not trying to help yourself. That's what makes me angry.

[Crimson King]

...I just think at some level the person has to want it. Some, often a lot, of people tune out of life early...and there's nothing wrong with that, so long as they decide just to get by and nothing more with no threat of harm to themselves or others.

If they don't want it, I can't make them, nor do I want to...it will distract from anything I'm trying to do. Hope that doesn't sound selfish...but I can't make someone live life if they choose not to. All I can do is be there if they need me, and advise them if called upon to do so, and hopefully (probably even) they'll tune back in when the time is right for them.

[careerstudent]

That's the problem with irresponsible people, they are often mooches. Mooches do harm others, especially their parents and grand parents who they mooch off of. That's what I have the problem with.