Boyfriend was keeping a secret from me for several years...?

[Girlie girl]

So we have a couple over to watch Monday night football and my boyfriend and his friend have a few beer. The other girl and I were not drinking – not that we have a problem with it, just tired and not feeling it. As expected, the guys got a little rowdy due to football excitement, beer drinking and the stories started flowing. My boyfriend especially was quite talkative and ended up telling a lot of stories from his time in University. We’ve been together 6 years and were together at University as well. One thing led to another, talking about experiences/parties/drugs etc… I am no angel but have never done any serious hard drugs – kinda promised myself no snorting or injecting anything ever... But in school everyone experiments - I know. ... and so he ends up telling the story of the first time he snorted coke. Whaaa??? I had no idea. Meanwhile it was about 3 years ago…while we were dating of course.. and he never told me. I’m more upset about him keeping this a secret from me and/or being told about it at a gathering where he was telling our friends more so than me. I was really annoyed by this and couldn’t believe he kept this from me for all these years. Since he was drunk and we had friends over, I did not want to cause a scene, nor did we discuss it after our guests left as it was late and I didn’t want to start a fight.

He’s a good guy, not into drugs like that at all.. I know it was just a one-time (actually he said he ended up doing it twice) thing and believe that he hasn’t done it since. But I am floored that he kept this from me for so long. It really bothers me that he didn’t tell me. I don’t know what to say to him but I know that I am upset and have to say something. I certainly have no plans of breaking up with him. I plan to marry him if he ever gets around to asking me… But here I am, bewildered that he did something so major in the past, while we were together (I wonder where I was those nights???) and didn’t fess up until he was probably too drunk to realize that he meant to keep this secret from me.

Advice? I don’t know how to handle this…Or maybe just want to share my thoughts somehow because this is not something I want to tell my friends here…

[meatwad]

He probably thought you'd freak out, and you probably would have been right to at the time. But at this point I think you probably should just ask him why he never told you about it and see what he says before freaking out about it in front of him.

[Moon Gazing]

Maybe he didnt tell you because he knew you would be disappointed in him. You should talk to him about it and find out why he never told you.

[Bsig84]

I can definately see why you would be upset with him for not telling you. Definately talk to him to see why he kept the secret. I bet he did think you would be disappointed with him. Since he doesnt do any of that now it was probably just a mistake and didnt want to make a big deal about it. I know i have tried some stuff that I probably wont ever tell my boyfriend because he doesnt need to know everything. My mom actually gave me some great advice once. She told me that sometimes we need to keep secrets or keep something from someone. If telling them will only hurt them or cause trouble, then telling would actually be selfish. He probably just thought it wasnt worth you getting upset since he wasnt going to keep doing it.

[Girlie girl]

Good advice so far - thanks everyone.

The other things that really grinds my gears is that about a year before he tried this stuff, I had been at a party where I tried E for the first time ever. After I did that, I knew it wasn't something I ever wanted to do again but it was just and 'experiment' if you will. I fessed up and told him the next day (That's what I think a relationship is - being able to tell each other everything...) - though I knew he might be disapointed in me. And indeed he was. He tried to break up with me, just upset with me, said some terrible things and made me feel really bad. We ended up getting through it though - we're a solid couple. Which is why it's even worse that he went and did this and didn't tell me??? He could've told me. I would have been upset but would have rather been in the know than be the girlfriend whose boyfriend hides things from her...

[Bsig84]

WHOA!!! Ok that changes things big time!!! He is being a complete hypocrite and you have every right to be pissed off at him!

[Samwell]

WHOA!!! Ok that changes things big time!!! He is being a complete hypocrite and you have every right to be pissed off at him!
Ditto. That just wiped away any sympathy I had for the guy.

[and1grad]

I think the fact that you told that and he didnt is the real reason why you're mad. Otherwise, he probably just really didnt consider it to be any of your business.

[Krishna]

My mom actually gave me some great advice once. She told me that sometimes we need to keep secrets or keep something from someone. If telling them will only hurt them or cause trouble, then telling would actually be selfish.

True 99% of the time. Not true (at least for me) when it comes to serious offenses (cheating, etc.).