How much would you compromise?

[SWMOchick]

What are some of the types of things that you would prefer to have/not have in a relationship? Which of those would you be willing to live without/put up with anyway? Do the positives outweigh the negatives?

EDIT: Deleted example due to it taking away from the actual question.

[sparky88]

Do they smoke around the kids?

I would lean towards 'no' on this personally. Though, keep in mind over the course of a lifetime non-smokers can become smokers and vise-versa. As a non-smoker, I would be frustrated to be married to someone who smoked around our kids.

[SWMOchick]

Do they smoke around the kids?

I would lean towards 'no' on this personally. Though, keep in mind over the course of a lifetime non-smokers can become smokers and vise-versa. As a non-smoker, I would be frustrated to be married to someone who smoked around our kids.
What if they smoked outside away from your kids? Would you compromise then?

My question is purely hypothetical. I'm not in any type of situation to make a decision. I was just wondering what kind of ground people stand on, and what some things might be they would be willing to give on.

It's not even necessarily something they do that you don't like. Are there any "must haves" that you might be willing to do without?

[Bsig84]

Thats a tough one. Im a nonsmoker and I never thought I would date a smoker. I did date one though and I didnt really care for it. I hated how he smelled like smoke and I hated kissing him after he smoked. I would never marry someone who smoked because I would be too worried about our kids. However, some people will quit when they decide to have kids or get married. I guess it would depend on the person. I would definately make it clear that I dont like smoke and that I would prefer if they didnt smoke around me. If they had a problem with that, the relationship wouldnt go anywhere.

[Moon Gazing]

I prefer to be with a man who was never married and has no children. I want someone who will experience all those things for the first time with me. I smoke so I dont care if he smokes, if he cares that I smoke then oh well thats his problem. I will quit when I am ready. :p

[meatwad]

I generally don't date smokers. It's unattractive and I don't like cig smoke. I equate it with "Would you date someone who doesn't brush their teeth" or "Would you date someone who doesn't shower/bathe."

[SWMOchick]

Okay. Anything besides smoking? And what would you be willing to compromise?

[SmilesSoSweet]

Religion. I serious thought I could only date someone that is of the same religion (Catholic) as me even though I'm not that religious of a person.

Then I started dating my current BF and realized that it didn't matter.

[AshleyJordan]

I would definitely not date someone who didn't want marriage and kids. I also have dated, and have had a very hard time dating, men whose educational backgrounds and professional status were different than mine. Marriage and kids are the only two big non-negotiables, and educational/professional stuff aren't non-negotiable, but have, in my experience, strained relationships greatly.

Other things like race, ethnicity, religion, etc. I've been very flexible about.

[Bsig84]

Besides the obvious (drugs or drinking problem) I dont think I can really say I have anything that would make me not even give someone a chance. I know I have had things in the past that I would not compromise on and those all changed. It would just have to depend on the person and how much we were both willing to compromise.

[Kragthorpe]

I will never again date someone who even begins to show the slightest sign that she doesn't like me. My last LTR, the girl loved me, but she didn't like me (if that makes sense). Sex was great, feelings were intense, but for some reason, I didn't meet some standard and every task, every conversation became a test.

I MUST be attracted to the person. That's a requirement.

[meatwad]

I have a hard time dating women who don't like me. For some reason they want to go out with me. I think it's the free dinner.

[Bsig84]

I have a hard time dating women who don't like me. For some reason they want to go out with me. I think it's the free dinner.

That sucks! I cant believe anyone would do that! Girls can be such bitches sometimes.

[meatwad]

That sucks! I cant believe anyone would do that! Girls can be such bitches sometimes.

I'm exaggerating. It just feels like that sometimes.

[Kragthorpe]

It sucks. It's almost abusive. The girl I'm talking about...we broke up about the time I was thinking of proposing, and I broke up because of this. But she made me feel like such an awful person that it was about a year or more before I forgave myself and even felt like a man again. So no....don't ever do that, meat.

[SWMOchick]

I agree that it depends on the person. I have preferences, but I think I'd be willing to compromise on a lot of things as long as my 'must haves' are there.

He has to be honest, have integrity, be able to hold up his end of a conversation, make me laugh, and there has to be chemistry. Beyond basic likes and hates, it depends on the person.

[Bsig84]

It sucks. It's almost abusive. The girl I'm talking about...we broke up about the time I was thinking of proposing, and I broke up because of this. But she made me feel like such an awful person that it was about a year or more before I forgave myself and even felt like a man again. So no....don't ever do that, meat.


I think the main lesson to be learned here is that individuals from both sexes can treat someone really crappy. I have definately had my share of guys that only wanted sex and nothing else. Do these people just not listen to their conscience or do they not even have one?

[SWMOchick]

I think the main lesson to be learned here is that individuals from both sexes can treat someone really crappy. I have definately had my share of guys that only wanted sex and nothing else. Do these people just not listen to their conscience or do they not even have one?
They're men. I don't think they can help themselves. Even if they don't like you, they're always up for sex.

[meatwad]

They're men. I don't think they can help themselves. Even if they don't like you, they're always up for sex.

That's besides the point.

[Deni81]

I dated a smoker and never again will I do that. I would like the guy to have no children and I like when they are on the same educational level (college-educated). But they can be bended if the guy is worth it.

[wordsmith]

I wouldn't compromise on my desire to have a family. Somebody who doesn't want kids isn't somebody I have a future with, period, end of story, no matter how cool he might be or how well we get along. I would definitely be resentful if I folded on my desire to have/raise kids because a partner didn't want that for himself, so there's no way I'd bend on that. Most other things, it's much more "never say never" (barring the obvious things like abusiveness and illicit activities).

[Bsig84]

I wouldn't compromise on my desire to have a family. Somebody who doesn't want kids isn't somebody I have a future with, period, end of story, no matter how cool he might be or how well we get along. I would definitely be resentful if I folded on my desire to have/raise kids because a partner didn't want that for himself, so there's no way I'd bend on that. Most other things, it's much more "never say never" (barring the obvious things like abusiveness and illicit activities).

I can definately understand that. However, I know some people that swore up and down that they would never have children but then when they met the right person that all changed. Would you not even date someone if they told you they didnt want to have kids?

[wordsmith]

I can definately understand that. However, I know some people that swore up and down that they would never have children but then when they met the right person that all changed. Would you not even date someone if they told you they didnt want to have kids?

Unfortunately, it's a topic where I feel it's in my best interest to have to take somebody at face value... I can't gamble that they might change their mind on the topic, anymore than I'd want them to figure that I might change MINE.

There was a guy I knew when I was in college who was interested in me, and he was a die-hard "I don't want kids - ever" guy. It's not the reason I didn't date him (there were others), but had everything else been cool, I'd have declined to be in a relationship with him on that basis, for sure. Flash forward, four years later, and he gets engaged to a girl, and notes that a major factor for him on the decision to marry her is that she, too, is positive that she doesn't want kids, and he notes that that's hard to find in his general demographic. I lose track of him over the years. Flash forward to a month or so ago, and he looks me up on Facebook, and lo and behold, he has a three-year old son. So, obviously, people's mind's change. But you really can't stake your future happiness on that possibility, either.

[Bsig84]

Unfortunately, it's a topic where I feel it's in my best interest to have to take somebody at face value... I can't gamble that they might change their mind on the topic, anymore than I'd want them to figure that I might change MINE.

There was a guy I knew when I was in college who was interested in me, and he was a die-hard "I don't want kids - ever" guy. It's not the reason I didn't date him (there were others), but had everything else been cool, I'd have declined to be in a relationship with him on that basis, for sure. Flash forward, four years later, and he gets engaged to a girl, and notes that a major factor for him on the decision to marry her is that she, too, is positive that she doesn't want kids, and he notes that that's hard to find in his general demographic. I lose track of him over the years. Flash forward to a month or so ago, and he looks me up on Facebook, and lo and behold, he has a three-year old son. So, obviously, people's mind's change. But you really can't stake your future happiness on that possibility, either.

Yeah I guess it is better to be safe than sorry!

[wordsmith]

Yeah, and it wasn’t like I was kicking myself about it, either; as noted, it fortunately hadn’t been the sole thing holding me back from dating him.

[Kragthorpe]

Not to rain on SWMO's thread because I think she's swell, but in terms of what I would and wouldn't compromise, I think part of the QLC phenomenon that gives rise to angst-y singles who can't find anyone is this whole question itself. And I think the notion that we need this or that, or we want this or that is the whole problem in the first place. Like WS' response for instance re: wanting a family...I mean, I'd like a family too, but given an amazing opportunity that would also entail not having children for some time or at all, I can't say I wouldn't entertain it.

My point is this...hell, I'd just like to meet someone that gives me that visceral reaction that makes me know I'd like to be with them that hopefully has the same visceral reaction with me. Beyond that, I'm trying to get out of the "planning" thing because I think by making too many plans or having too many expectations is limiting and because frankly the present is far too much of a concern for me to further be overly concerned with the details of the future. If someone likes me, and I like them, and we're attracted to each other...then let's figure out the details as we go.

That said, I think it would be way cool to find a girl who will do the Amazing Race with me.

[Bsig84]

Not to rain on SWMO's thread because I think she's swell, but in terms of what I would and wouldn't compromise, I think part of the QLC phenomenon that gives rise to angst-y singles who can't find anyone is this whole question itself. And I think the notion that we need this or that, or we want this or that is the whole problem in the first place. Like WS' response for instance re: wanting a family...I mean, I'd like a family too, but given an amazing opportunity that would also entail not having children for some time or at all, I can't say I wouldn't entertain it.

My point is this...hell, I'd just like to meet someone that gives me that visceral reaction that makes me know I'd like to be with them that hopefully has the same visceral reaction with me. Beyond that, I'm trying to get out of the "planning" thing because I think by making too many plans or having too many expectations is limiting and because frankly the present is far too much of a concern for me to further be overly concerned with the details of the future. If someone likes me, and I like them, and we're attracted to each other...then let's figure out the details as we go.

That said, I think it would be way cool to find a girl who will do the Amazing Race with me.

Damn you just hit the nail on the head!!!

[wordsmith]

Not to rain on SWMO's thread because I think she's swell, but in terms of what I would and wouldn't compromise, I think part of the QLC phenomenon that gives rise to angst-y singles who can't find anyone is this whole question itself. And I think the notion that we need this or that, or we want this or that is the whole problem in the first place. Like WS' response for instance re: wanting a family...I mean, I'd like a family too, but given an amazing opportunity that would also entail not having children for some time or at all, I can't say I wouldn't entertain it.

That's fine, but it's best then for you to be with somebody who feels the same...not somebody who knows for sure that they do want a family.

My point is this...hell, I'd just like to meet someone that gives me that visceral reaction that makes me know I'd like to be with them that hopefully has the same visceral reaction with me. Beyond that, I'm trying to get out of the "planning" thing because I think by making too many plans or having too many expectations is limiting and because frankly the present is far too much of a concern for me to further be overly concerned with the details of the future. If someone likes me, and I like them, and we're attracted to each other...then let's figure out the details as we go.

...which works well for many things in life, but having children, unlike, say, taking a road trip on the spur of the moment, is something that's best served to be done with planning and foresight, and many other life's decisions hinge on one's personal decision whether or not to do it. Combine that with a fairly limited time frame with which to get started on that particular plan in most cases, and it becomes apparent, unfortunately, that having a family is an instance where you really are best served to do "the planning thing." As details of the future go, it's kind of a biggie. Letting the chips fall where they may is okay for taking up a new recreational hobby or writing that novel you always knew you had in you, but not so much with "do I or do I not want a family." The reality is that most people who do want one aren't going to be comfortable with a "maybe, maybe not, wait and maybe we'll see" perspective in a partner.

[SWMOchick]

Not to rain on SWMO's thread because I think she's swell, but in terms of what I would and wouldn't compromise, I think part of the QLC phenomenon that gives rise to angst-y singles who can't find anyone is this whole question itself. And I think the notion that we need this or that, or we want this or that is the whole problem in the first place. Like WS' response for instance re: wanting a family...I mean, I'd like a family too, but given an amazing opportunity that would also entail not having children for some time or at all, I can't say I wouldn't entertain it.

My point is this...hell, I'd just like to meet someone that gives me that visceral reaction that makes me know I'd like to be with them that hopefully has the same visceral reaction with me. Beyond that, I'm trying to get out of the "planning" thing because I think by making too many plans or having too many expectations is limiting and because frankly the present is far too much of a concern for me to further be overly concerned with the details of the future. If someone likes me, and I like them, and we're attracted to each other...then let's figure out the details as we go.

That said, I think it would be way cool to find a girl who will do the Amazing Race with me.
If you don't have an idea of what you want, how will you know when you find it? I've lived my entire 31 years not knowing, and it hasn't done me any good at all. Everyone has standards. Everyone. I've yet to live up to anyone's. Maybe that's why I'm questioning. Maybe I'm trying to decide what types of things I need to take a stance on.

[wordsmith]

SWMO, I'm sure you do have priorities and values...things that are important to you. That's as good a place as any to start.

[Bsig84]

If you don't have an idea of what you want, how will you know when you find it? I've lived my entire 31 years not knowing, and it hasn't done me any good at all. Everyone has standards. Everyone. I've yet to live up to anyone's. Maybe that's why I'm questioning. Maybe I'm trying to decide what types of things I need to take a stance on.

I dont think he was saying that you cant have standards. I think he meant that if you close yourself off to people because of certain expectations then you may never find someone. People do change and you never know what will happen once you meet that certain someone. And if things dont work out because of different expectations, then move on.

[wordsmith]

I dont think he was saying that you cant have standards. I think he meant that if you close yourself off to people because of certain expectations then you may never find someone. People do change and you never know what will happen once you meet that certain someone. And if things dont work out because of different expectations, then move on.

That opens a pretty big can of worms, though…why would anybody want to stay with something they know they don’t fit well with, priorities and values-wise, simply because of the fear that “I may never find someone I do fit with?” I’ve known some VERY unhappy couples in my day that exist as such because they tossed their values, wants, and needs out the window because the thought was, “He or she isn’t what I’m looking for, but if I hold out for what I am looking for, I might end up alone.” What’s worse? Being with somebody and unhappy that it’s not what you want, or holding out for something that’s what you want? It also, taken to an extreme, sounds a lot like an advocacy for giving up on the things that are important to you, which isn’t really the best plan. And who wants to spend valuable time they could be spending with somebody more suited to them, trying to make somebody who’s a poor fit somehow NOT be through sheer force of will?

Definitely don't be closed off to people, but don't go the opposite extreme and beat a dead horse when it's clear that somebody's not the person you're looking for. I just think it's a bad risk to hope that you'll somehow mold them into the person you ARE looking for.

[Bsig84]

That opens a pretty big can of worms, though…why would anybody want to stay with something they know they don’t fit well with, priorities and values-wise, simply because of the fear that “I may never find someone I do fit with?” I’ve known some VERY unhappy couples in my day that exist as such because they tossed their values, wants, and needs out the window because the thought was, “He or she isn’t what I’m looking for, but if I hold out for what I am looking for, I might end up alone.” What’s worse? Being with somebody and unhappy that it’s not what you want, or holding out for something that’s what you want? It also, taken to an extreme, sounds a lot like an advocacy for giving up on the things that are important to you, which isn’t really the best plan. And who wants to spend valuable time they could be spending with somebody more suited to them, trying to make somebody who’s a poor fit somehow NOT be through sheer force of will?

Definitely don't be closed off to people, but don't go the opposite extreme and beat a dead horse when it's clear that somebody's not the person you're looking for. I just think it's a bad risk to hope that you'll somehow mold them into the person you ARE looking for.

I definately wasnt saying to settle for someone who you arent happy with! I would never say to do that! I guess I was thinking about my own history with finding the right person. I still have standards but I used to have really high standards and I let people go that I now regret. Looking back I realize I was just being too picky and I could have had a lot of fun with some great guys.

[AshleyJordan]

I totally agree w/ words. I'd much rather be alone than spending time with someone whose values and long-term goals were seriously incompatible with mine. I'd much, much prefer to adopt a child alone, as a single mother later in life than stay with a man who didn't want kids, for example.

[wordsmith]

I definately wasnt saying to settle for someone who you arent happy with! I would never say to do that! I guess I was thinking about my own history with finding the right person. I still have standards but I used to have really high standards and I let people go that I now regret. Looking back I realize I was just being too picky and I could have had a lot of fun with some great guys.

No, it’s true that you shouldn’t make strict checklists that bump all but a few ideal, select people off the list even to be considered, that’s true. That’s why I noted that I myself realize that in most areas, it’s best for me to never say never. I used to think I could never connect with anybody who hadn’t achieved the same level of education as me. I found out that’s not true. I used to think I could never connect with somebody who had different lifestyle choices than me. I found out that’s not true. I used to think I could never connect with anybody whose political leanings didn’t match mine. I found out that’s not true (though, to be honest, it is true more often than not, and it depends on how deep their interest and convictions in the issues run).

But if you do know, going in, that somebody doesn’t match up to what you want in a fundamental way, and it’s clear from the get-go, I see nothing wrong with ruling that person out (not as a good person, but as a potential match). It’s not picky to stick to your guns on what’s important to you, as long as what’s important to you isn’t so unrealistic that it’s ruling MOST people out.

It also depends on what you’re looking for, at a given time. You say you could have had fun with some of these guys, had you not been so picky. That may well be true. But having fun with somebody is in a different camp than pursuing something serious with somebody. In the former, it’s way less a big deal if there are areas where you just don’t match up well, because you’re just having fun, not trying, necessarily, to build something beyond the casual. So it really does depend on what you want out of something, too. I myself would hate to get to personally invested in somebody where I know going in that there are major discrepancies in what we each want long term.

[Bsig84]

No, it’s true that you shouldn’t make strict checklists that bump all but a few ideal, select people off the list even to be considered, that’s true. That’s why I noted that I myself realize that in most areas, it’s best for me to never say never. I used to think I could never connect with anybody who hadn’t achieved the same level of education as me. I found out that’s not true. I used to think I could never connect with somebody who had different lifestyle choices than me. I found out that’s not true. I used to think I could never connect with anybody whose political leanings didn’t match mine. I found out that’s not true (though, to be honest, it is true more often than not, and it depends on how deep their interest and convictions in the issues run).

But if you do know, going in, that somebody doesn’t match up to what you want in a fundamental way, and it’s clear from the get-go, I see nothing wrong with ruling that person out (not as a good person, but as a potential match). It’s not picky to stick to your guns on what’s important to you, as long as what’s important to you isn’t so unrealistic that it’s ruling MOST people out.

It also depends on what you’re looking for, at a given time. You say you could have had fun with some of these guys, had you not been so picky. That may well be true. But having fun with somebody is in a different camp than pursuing something serious with somebody. In the former, it’s way less a big deal if there are areas where you just don’t match up well, because you’re just having fun, not trying, necessarily, to build something beyond the casual. So it really does depend on what you want out of something, too. I myself would hate to get to personally invested in somebody where I know going in that there are major discrepancies in what we each want long term.

Sure! I completely understand what you mean.

[aggiegrad05]

But having fun with somebody is in a different camp than pursuing something serious with somebody. In the former, it’s way less a big deal if there are areas where you just don’t match up well, because you’re just having fun, not trying, necessarily, to build something beyond the casual. So it really does depend on what you want out of something, too. I myself would hate to get to personally invested in somebody where I know going in that there are major discrepancies in what we each want long term.
Completely agree. And you really do have to be careful with the, "I'm just having fun" mindset. You never know which direction those "fun only" relationships are going to head in. In my experience, it's only resulted in one person getting way more attached than the other. And that's just messy. And people get hurt. So now, after having been through that a couple of times (and it's gone both ways -- where the guy was the one that got hurt, and where I got too attached/hurt in another), I've decided to not date anyone that I can't see having potential for something serious. That's not to say that I'm running around looking for a husband, but I simply don't see the point in dating someone for the fun aspect only. I've learned my lesson.

[wordsmith]

That’s been my experience, too, actually. I think one or two times ever, I was in a situation (once as a teen, once as an adult), where we were only interested in the giddy, flirty fun aspect of things, nothing long-term, and when we were no longer into it, we both moved on, having enjoyed our time with no hard feelings. I think it’s pretty rare when that mutually coincides. EVERY other time that’s happened to me, and it’s been way more often than not, one or the other in the “just having fun” arrangement gets far more attached than the other, and, yeah, somebody or both get hurt in the ensuing aftermath.

[aggiegrad05]

And, to answer SWMO's question...non-negotiable things are the desire to eventually have a family and the presence of ambition/goals in life (which, in my experience normally equates to some sort of higher education, but not in all cases. As long as he has direction and something he's working towards AND can intellectually stimulate me, that works for me). Oh and they can't just be separated...either never been married or divorced, but no in-between. And the one superficial thing that I care about/will NOT bend on is that he has to be taller than me. Call it a tall girl complex or whatever, but I can't help it. :0

[ebruening]

A lazy person would be a deal-breaker for me - and by lazy, I mean someone who complains endlessly about their life, but does nothing to change it.

I won't go so far as to say that religion would be a deal-breaker for me, but I really don't think I would date someone who doesn't believe in things like evolution or global warming for religious reasons. I also wouldn't care to date someone who would try to convert me.