married too young?

[Unregistered]

I am a 26 year old male who has been married for almost 3 years. I am so confused, I dont know what else to do, so I'll write about it. Maybe someone out there can relate, or advise. I love my wife, I do, but I fear that I am not in love woth her anymore. I am less and less attracted to her. I feel like I have lost my identity as a person. I dont know who I am lately. We dated for about 6 years before our marriage, since we have been married, the longest we have been apart for is like 3 days. We really dont fight that often, there is really nothing that bad with our relationship. I am always wondering if I made a mistake by getting married so young. I am constantly thinking about other women, I would never cheat on her though. I think that If I could go back into time, I would not have asked her to get married. But I cant do that, so what to do now? Should I just keep these thoughts to myself, and keep on keeping on. Or should I end it now? I dont want to ruin her life, or mine for that matter. Its just so hard to live with someone, day in - day out, and not be able to speak whats really on your mind. I fear that If I did tell her all these thoughts in my head, that would be it - It would be over. That scares me, but its not as scary as being married to someone you don't love.

[crazy-girl]

I'm not married so I can't give you first hand advice but it sounds like you love her----but you're having trouble with the marriage for some other reasons. Have you considered marriage counseling? If you can't afford it---some churches offer it for free. If you aren't religious I hear that Dr. Phil's book "The Relationship Rescue" is a great book. A woman I used to work with said it saved her marriage.

Relationships take work and if there's no danger problems (like abuse or drug use) then I feel that they should always be able to be resolved. It's not easy but you might just need to talk it over with a counselor. I don't think you should throw in the towel though. I know I'm not married so you probably won't really listen to what I say but all relationships hit high points and low points.

Good luck!

[dottieparker]

Is whether or not the two of you have children.

If you do NOT have children, I recommend, at the very least, talking to her about all of this. Now is the time for honesty--before you end up with other people in the picture. Trust me, neither of you want to be a single parent. Dating is hard enough for those of us without kids.

If you do have children, that's a totally different story and I urge you to try to work things out to the very best of your ability. I would express your thoughts and feelings in the most gentle, humane, and honest manner possible--the feelings won't go away with repression, so you do need to tell her--but with a very constructive attitude. Not "this is what's wrong, now change", but "this is what's wrong--how can we work together to build a relationship *now*, as adults, and move past our childhood selves". If my math is right, 3+6=9. Nine years. You were seventeen when you started dating her. It's possible that while you have grown up into the adults you now are in every other area of your life, your marraige hasn't come with you. Thus, you find yourself in a relationship you've outgrown. The trick isn't to _change this_ relationship, but to build a totally fresh one from your adult perspectives.

Yes, that means you have to date her all over again. It means you both need to try to fall in love with each other as you are now. Don't look at what's changed or what you miss--look for all the reasons why you love THIS person, now, and the reasons why you _can_ love this person now. Sort of like an arranged marraige---sure, you're stuck, but you might as well try to appreciate the good aspects. Romance each other. Forget the past.

It's work, and if you find, no matter how hard you try, that it's just over and there's nothing to be done for it, you can still out. But at least you will be able to sit across dinner from that future date and say "We tried it all". That in itself is a victory.

Hope that helps,
D.P.

[shane]

Don't feel like your alone. I have been married for three years now and feel exactly the same way. My wife and I dated in college and it was the logical next step. I am in exactly the same boat. Not very attracted to her anymore, feels more like a business relationship not the love and excitement that was there before.

I have a busy job and find that I love when I am gone on trips because it's quiet and I don't have to help run the household. We don't have children, so that helps ease stress I think.

Let me know how your doing. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there.

[CAT11]

I admire you guys for making the big commitment...problem is, in this country we focus so much on the wedding, we forget about what comes after.
Relationships ebb and flow, rise and fall. Research shows that the couples that stay together the longest and are the happiest have learned how to renew, over and over again. You won't always feel like you are in speed when you are in love. Dottie suggests falling in love all over again, and I concur.
Try counseling. Try remembering why you were attracted in the first place. Try to find something to do out of the ordinary that might spark some interest. I would hate to see you give up.
Could be a heck of a lot worse.

[nycgal]

Shane i can relate as well. We were together all through college, moved to a new city together when we graduated, so it seemed natural to get married. Only now, I feel that we are growing in different directions in our careers and in our future goals. Its not that we have a bad relationship really, but I feel like my husband is more a roommate or business partner than a husband. I put a lot of hours into work and my career, and I'm not really sure if its because I am so motivated or if its because it is easier than going home at night and sitting in front of the tv bored! How are you handeling? Have you spoken with her about this or brought it up?

[MissKitty]

I'm sorry to hear that you are unhappy in your marriage but I think that you really need to talk to your wife about how you feel. Counseling may be what you need since it sounds like the two of you have drifted so far apart and you feel as though you have lost your identity. That's not a good thing.

I was married at 25, my husband was 28, and it was a very different situation than yours. We were only together for six months before moving in together and a year before we said, "I do". It was definately fast, but getting married was the next logical step and it felt right for both of us. We each had experienced our share of other relationships, both long and short term, and we had experienced enough of the club scene, so there are no feelings of missing out. We were both looking to end the dating scene and settle down with someone who wanted the same things in life.

We have been married for two years now and while we've already had our ups and downs adjusting to the life change, we have learned from our mistakes and we are quite happy. We still go out on "dates". We still have a good sex life, although we don't participate nearly as much as we used to. lol We arrange to turn off the tv and actually eat dinner at the table instead of in the living room. This way we can keep in touch. We communicate well and check in with each other about the direction we are heading together. We pay attention to one another! I think that is what keeps the romance going.
When things get tense, we talk about it and try to resolve the situation with compromise. If that dosent work, we take some time off from each other to sort things out. We realize that to make a marriage work, each person must maintain their identity and pursue their dreams but work together on those common goals. It's a partnership, it involves a lot of work and sacrifice. Its almost like a job, you have to learn to be flexable and be open to change if you want to keep it a long term thing.

Things are not perfect. We argue but we always make up. He says I'm a control freak, I say he's too passive and wishy-washy, but it all works out. :)
Talk to your wife. Maybe she feels the same way that you do!

~MissKitty

[Eharrison]

Even though I am not married I do believe that marriage is a very sacred unity. I think it's totally normal for you to be confused and unsure of things. But I think the most important step you can make is to sit down with your wife and have an honest, sincere talk with her. Be completely honest with her about your feelings and your uncertainity about your future together. I agree with what others have wrote as well-don't give up, try everything you can to make it work. Counseling is a great idea-

I think it's important to try everything possible to make it work-and then if you still see yourselves on seperate paths at least you can walk away knowing that you put everything you had into it.

Good luck and keep us posted...

[Solo]

Ah man, you're just like me (almost). I'm 28 and been married for almost 4 years. Dated for about 7 years. I don't feel like doin' math but we started dating when I was about 18. Anyways, she's the only girl I've ever been with and that's getting hard to accept. My mind is on other women often. I just wanna talk and get to know other women, they're so beautiful.

I never was in love, I was kinda talke into everything from the dating to the sex to the marriage. At least I've avoided the having kids so far.

I don't know if I should stay or go. It's hard to stay when you're heart's not in it. It's not fair to either of you. I guess I know what I should do but it's too hard. I'll probably just stay and try to make the best of it.

The hardest part was college. So many women, so many missed opportunities. A tough pill to swallow for sure.

I don't know what to tell you, other than you're not alone.

[Spud-Child]

I agree that trying to re-romance and fall in love is the best thing. If not, and it sounds like this is where you are Solo...it's probably best to split up. My brother married a girl because it seemed like "the thing to do" and because she wanted it..though he never really loved her. 3 years later they divorced and remained friends. Today they are both happily married and in love and both concur that the best thing that they could have ever done for themselves was divorce-before they had children. As a woman, I have to say that should my husband not be attracted to me and be questioning his feelings in marriage I would rather be told to be able to know that there was something that needed to be worked out. If it was something that couldn't be worked out I would rather know and be able to restructure my own life instead of making someone else feel trapped.

[Solo]

But do people really stay in love for so many years? Maybe it's possible and I've just never known it yet. But it seems to me that most married couples I know are just still together because...several reasons.

1. They're religion looks down on divorce
2. They have kids and don't want them to suffer
3. They don't wanna let down family and friends
etc..etc..

I mean maybe staying in love for so many years is just a dream. You're bound to get sick of your partner sooner or later.

We should all be able to switch partners after a set number of years, if we want to. What do you think?

[Spud-Child]

If it wasn't for my grandparents I might agree..they are truly in love with eachother after more than 50 years. I will guess that it might be less common, especially now, but maybe that goes along with our generation of instant gratification and wastefull-ness.....we want what we want when we want it, and when it doesn't suit us, we discard. I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this, it's a total stereotype, but you get the point.

[MissKitty]

But do children REALLY suffer when their parents divorce?
My parents split up when I was six, and it was a very messy divorce. Custody battles, my parents taking turns sneaking away with us in the middle of the night, the screaming and fighting, the court hearings, constantly moving, interviews with child psychologists...everything they could have done to make it psychologically damaging to my sister and I they did without even considering it, because as far as my Father was concerned we were pawns in his sick game of getting back at my Mother, and my Mothers main concern was to protect us. After twenty years of court hearings and child support battles, it continues to this day because my Father still can not accept that my Mother left him(and still refuses to pay the child support). But my situation is different than most.
Was it really damaging to my sister and I? No. It was a stressful childhood but my sister and I are much better people for having survived it. As adults we understand why they couldn't live together. We remember the fights, and I give my Mother a lot of credit for being strong enough to leave an abusive situation with a controlling husband. I thank her everyday for giving us a better life and a better chance at becoming well adjusted adults.

How many of you have divorced parents? We are the damned generation of children whom one in every two families have divorced parents. Are we really that screwed up from it? Would we have been better people if they would have stayed together for "our sake"? I highly doubt it.

Parents do not realize that children study their every move, they study their parents interactions and use that example as a mold for relationships they will pursue as adults. So staying together for the benefit of the children is bullshit. Why bother if your children can see that the two of you have nothing? What are you really teaching them? What relationships do you think your children will pursue?
Divorce is not always a quick fix, but in this day and age, it doesn't have the social taboo quality that it had with our parents. Family structure is very different for our generation. AS long as the children grow up in a safe, loving, and happy environment it doesn't matter if it's with the biological parents or step-parents.
If it's not working out, get counciling. If counciling does nothing, split up and start a new life. There is absolutely no reason to stay in a bad relationship.

If you have no children and are considering divorce there is a term for you situation...a "starter marriage". Many people in our age group are marrying young, discovering that it is not working out, then divorcing and moving on. Just realize that there are other people in your situation.

~MissKitty

[Archon]

Just want to say, becareful about the "grass is greener" syndrome. I had a wonderful girlfriend all through college, someone i wanted to marry, we both were extremely happy, that is until i broke it up because i wasn't sure if she was "the one". After a few months of doing whatever i realized that my life was empty without her, and we got back together. At that point we were but happy again, until 6 months later she broke up with me for another guy. I was torn up inside, it was devistating to me. One and a half years later, she has a new boyfriend, and have a new girlfriend. My relationship with my new girlfriend is great, and i recently heard that she is moving in with her new boyfriend, perhaps starting a life together with him. However when i heard about that it just seemed to sadden me because i know that our lives are totally separate now. I guess my point is this, she was the perfect girl for me. We shared everything, she was my best friend. The qualities i look for in a woman she had them all. Unfortunately it took me losing her forever in order to find out how much i truly loved her, and how much i wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. So in reply to those having problems with being less attracted or whatever, just remember those little things that you two share. Having someone to hold and support you out of love no matter what is a wonderful feeling that not many people can truly enjoy with each other. Perhaps the trick is this. Instead of thinking what kind of life will you have with this person, try thinking what kind of life will you have without this person in your life...

[Tina]

I ran across this web site yesterday for the first time. Your discussion really grabbed my attention as it hit very close to home for me.

“Married too young?” and “Shane”, communicate with your wives. Like “dottieparker” said, “express your thoughts and feeling in the most gentle, humane, and honest manner possible…”.

“Married too young?”, why do you think that you are constantly thinking of other women? Is it because it has the potential to be new and exciting? When you think about these other women, what are you thinking? Are you thoughts about a specific woman or are they general. Could your thoughts (and energy) be turned towards your wife? Could you rekindle some of the sparks that were there before you were married? Could you grab a spark and fan it into a flame? “Cat11” is right. Relationships do ebb and flow. As couples, we need to learn how to renew, over and over again.

Recently, my husband, of 23 years, and I separated. We met when I was sixteen, he had just graduated high school. Two years later, we got married. Like “Shane” it was the logical next step. Since the separation, we agree that neither one of us has been able to give to the other what each needs to be able to give back to the other. i.e. I haven’t given to him what he needs - to be able to give to me what I need. We know that we love each other, but disappointment and resentment has grown very strong. We say and do things that we know we shouldn’t and we don’t do the things that we know we should.

My husband has feelings similar to “married too young?”. He loves me but he doesn’t know if he’s “in love” with me anymore. He says that something inside of him is dead. He doesn’t believe that we have anything in common. He had doubts before we were married but he never said anything to me. He doesn’t really want to go anywhere or do anything with me. He doesn’t believe that he’s cut out for the relationship part of a couple. He’d just as soon be by himself. Except for sex. Never was enough of it and it was never good enough. He told me that he has a woman’s phone number. He’s called and met with her a few times. He says that he hasn’t “cheated”. I understand his meaning of the word - he now knows my definition and they aren’t the same. Remember that before you do anything stupid.

We’ve never really fought. In fact communication has been missing from our relationship for a long time. Communication is important in all relationships. It’s critical in marriage. No, you don’t have to tell everything all the time. But there has to be sharing of yourselves. And if there is something that you just can’t get past, don’t keep the feelings inside - share them.

I’ve done a lot of reading, soul searching and self-discovery these past three months. I’ve discovered that like so many women, I had put most of my energy in the kids, running the household and working outside the home. Leaving little time and no energy for my marriage or myself. Now my kids are in college, I’m forty-two and my libido has finally made its presence known. Not a good time to be single, especially since I haven’t been single for twenty-six years! I am not the same person I was twenty years ago, or five years ago, or even three months ago. But my husband can’t see who I am today.

I’ve been patiently waiting for him to figure out how he feels about me. I have given him space and not intruded on his private time in his apartment. WRONG! He came to the conclusion that it was over. So much for being patient and passive. Now I have the fight of my life on my hands. You see, after twenty-six years, I still love him. I could not end my marriage knowing that we did not do everything in our power to save it. We’ve had the “it’s over” conversation several times in our marriage. But it’s been different this time. I realized that by me being passive, I did not give him any reason to believe that I needed him. I have basically deprived him of feeling sexually needed. I did not even realize that was what I was doing. So, for now, whenever I wake up at 4 in the morning, I shower and go to his place and show him what I need. I’m hoping that if we can work on this one area and get it good, that the other areas will so of fall into place. I’m not spending time talking issues. I’m just showing him that I love. I am also trying to be grounded and know that even though he is accepting everything that I am offering it doesn’t mean that everything will be all right. It just may be “too little too late” as the saying goes.

One more thing, there’s a lot of good advice in “CAT11” and “dottieparker”’s replies. And although I have not read the book that “crazy-girl” mentions, I do like what I’ve heard from the author so I would give it a shot. I am reading “The Many Loves of Marriage” by Thomas and Nanette Kinkade. At one point, he mentions a friend who is twice divorced and is pursuing his next relationship. He comments that if his friend had put forth the same effort with his first wife that he’s putting forth on the other two, he probably wouldn’t have gotten the first divorce! I am also reading “Passionate Marriage : Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships” -- by David Schnarch. This book has been a great help to me! I guess I’m at a point in my life emotionally that these two books are speaking to me.

I wish you all the best of luck. Whether we want to admit it or not, relationships don’t just happen. They are like a garden that needs tender loving care and a lot of weeding!

communicate