How to be "Just Friends"

[april_in_autumn]

Just over a month ago (6 weeks tomorrow) my bf broke up with me.. again. We had a very... intense... relationship. It was one of those things where we met and it was like finding the person you'd been looking for. We just fit. The problem was that he kept breaking up with me when life got too stressful. Seriously, over the course of a year I would conservatively say we broke up 10 times. Then anywhere from a few hours to a week later, he'd want to be together again and would be sorry and all. This time I couldn't take the back and forth anymore and just said that we were done.

So fast forward. The two of us work together and up until last week we'd been avoiding each other at all costs. Last Wednesday he called and said the avoiding thing was driving him crazy. So we said hi at work. Then last Saturday we talked for two hours and wow... After weeks of being alone (most of my friends have moved or given me up because I disappeared while int he relationship) it was amazing having someone to talk to especially someone who understand how I think so well. And to top it off we're both going through the same things. We obviously have the breakup - something we feel similarly about. We love each other, it's just that the relationship wreaked havok on our lives and didn't work out. We're both moving across the country, him to Hawaii and me probably to California. We're both alone, looking for new jobs, etc. From a support standpoint he's the best person I could have around.

Unfortunately, I'm an emotional person. So after having avoided him, not talked to him or about for a month, now I see him, hear his voice, know what's going on and my heart just rips open all over again even if I know there's no chance. So we're standing around after work Tuesday night, not really talking, but not avoiding each other in a group of people and someone starts talking about a budding relationship and how they're starting off as "just friends." Suddenly, I'm in panic mode. I can't hear this with him standing a few feet away from me. I know I'm about to ball so I just make a bee-line for the door and leave.

This scares me so much because I don't want to still be getting over this, for one. I want to be an adult and able to handle the world, but I suck at it. I cry over everything and have no ability to hide my emotions. And I want to be friends with this guy. We get along and I can talk to him when I can't talk to anyone else. I don't want to start having to mourn another friendship too. I can't take this much loss right now.

So, what do I do????

[old_school_soul]

You don't go from being exes to being friends overnight. It's a long drawn out process than often never really works. If you are up for, you are going to invest times, lots of time. A year, two years. If that doesn't seem worth it, don't waste your time. You'll likely never be completely platonic friends, since there was a past history, but if you really want to be friends with the person then you need to put forth the effort.

I hope you say "friends" because you want to be friends, not because you're attached and don't want the person out of your life.

[Kragthorpe]

I think this whole idea is overrated, if not a load of crap. My last long term girlfriend got to where she simply didn't like me and it showed in our relationship, so I broke up with her. We were going to "just be friends", but unfortunately it got ugly and the night we broke up was the last time I've seen her. There were a couple of residual conversations afterward that were amicable enough, but ultimately she changed her number and I avoided her like the plague and to this day though we're "just friends," I wouldn't be upset if her car exploded while she drove to work. :evil:

That said, the last girl I dated decided that we would "just be friends" and has since treated me more or less like I'm forever going to be her Plan B, which I refused to be and have committed to not seeing her again unless and until she wants to date. In that case, "just being friends" was a patronizing way of her telling me she had a better offer, but I might do if that didn't work. I really like her still, and won't avoid her if we're at the same store or something, but I'm not going to go hang out with her like I do my real "just friend" friends...frankly I have enough of those and want more from this girl.

Nevertheless, if you otherwise wouldn't be in the same circles...then what's the point...it's forced, it's contrived, and it's a patronizing (again!) way to avoid guilt....the person who did the breaking will not feel as guilty because, hey...you still get to see them. And you won't feel as bad because, hey...they're still around. I say screw them. Know what you want and do what you want.

[bridgetjones]

Do not be this guys friend! I have been there and tried to be friends with an ex but it just does not work esp. if it was as intense as you say. Avoid him if you can and be professional if you have to be that at work. Anything else is like poking a fresh wound.

If you still want to be this guys friend in 6 months to a year. Be my guest. I have been there and after a year I had no urge to be buds.

[spokes]

if he kept bailing on you as a boyfriend when he was stressed, then what makesyou think he'd be a good friend......

anyways i could not be friends with someone i had an intense relationship with, so if you can do it all the power to ya.

[winneythepooh7]

I'm of the camp as well that it's probably not a good idea to try the "friends" thing so early on.

[wordsmith]

How do be friends with somebody who dumps you? Wait a couple of years. See if, at that point, you're still interested in being friends, then give it a shot. If you're the dumper, it takes less time, though, because you basically already went through all the letting go; it's why you broke up.

[Kragthorpe]

Agreed. I think if you weren't running in that person's crowd before, and you only were around each other during the relationship, then "just being friends" is contrived and often ridiculous. Don't kid yourself trying to make something be there that isn't there to begin with.

[and1grad]

There's no rule to follow. All that matters is you and the person. It really isnt anything anyone could actually give you meaningful advice on.

[pepsi91307]

Just over a month ago (6 weeks tomorrow) my bf broke up with me.. again. We had a very... intense... relationship. It was one of those things where we met and it was like finding the person you'd been looking for. We just fit. The problem was that he kept breaking up with me when life got too stressful. Seriously, over the course of a year I would conservatively say we broke up 10 times. Then anywhere from a few hours to a week later, he'd want to be together again and would be sorry and all. This time I couldn't take the back and forth anymore and just said that we were done.

So fast forward. The two of us work together and up until last week we'd been avoiding each other at all costs. Last Wednesday he called and said the avoiding thing was driving him crazy. So we said hi at work. Then last Saturday we talked for two hours and wow... After weeks of being alone (most of my friends have moved or given me up because I disappeared while int he relationship) it was amazing having someone to talk to especially someone who understand how I think so well. And to top it off we're both going through the same things. We obviously have the breakup - something we feel similarly about. We love each other, it's just that the relationship wreaked havok on our lives and didn't work out. We're both moving across the country, him to Hawaii and me probably to California. We're both alone, looking for new jobs, etc. From a support standpoint he's the best person I could have around.

Unfortunately, I'm an emotional person. So after having avoided him, not talked to him or about for a month, now I see him, hear his voice, know what's going on and my heart just rips open all over again even if I know there's no chance. So we're standing around after work Tuesday night, not really talking, but not avoiding each other in a group of people and someone starts talking about a budding relationship and how they're starting off as "just friends." Suddenly, I'm in panic mode. I can't hear this with him standing a few feet away from me. I know I'm about to ball so I just make a bee-line for the door and leave.

This scares me so much because I don't want to still be getting over this, for one. I want to be an adult and able to handle the world, but I suck at it. I cry over everything and have no ability to hide my emotions. And I want to be friends with this guy. We get along and I can talk to him when I can't talk to anyone else. I don't want to start having to mourn another friendship too. I can't take this much loss right now.

So, what do I do????

I know many people that disagree with me on this, but my personal opinion.

Ex's and friends just don't work. It's only a matter of time before one party finds a new love interest, and the jealousy begins, the drama continues, and it's just an ugly cycle.

[fumblingaround]

I sympathize with what you are going through right now. The break-ups I've endured in the past have always wounded me more from the loss of a friendship aspect more than the loss of the love/romance. I actually attempted the lover to friend conversion with my last ex because he had literally become my best friend over the years we were together. Sparing you all the ugly details, I'll just say that it took me another couple of years to learn that it doesn't matter how much effort you put into something, sometimes it just won't work. Obviously, every scenario is different and dependant on the individuals involved, so I wish you the best, but don't beat yourself up if you find that the new friendship situation with him does not work for you.

[Deni81]

How do be friends with somebody who dumps you? Wait a couple of years. See if, at that point, you're still interested in being friends, then give it a shot. If you're the dumper, it takes less time, though, because you basically already went through all the letting go; it's why you broke up.

Great advice! I have not been able to be friends with any long-term ex-boyfriends. Sure we can be on friendly terms, but friends who hang out? No way.

[winneythepooh7]

Great advice! I have not been able to be friends with any long-term ex-boyfriends. Sure we can be on friendly terms, but friends who hang out? No way.

Yeah. It also often brings unnecessary drama into a new relationship. Even though nothing is going on with the ex, it's not helpful having them around as a reminder to the current SO.

I've always kept contact to a minimum (maybe an email every few months if that to say what's up).

[d9r17]

I would like to be friends with my ex but I know its not possible right away. What sucks is she was the person I spoke to everyday and who I went to all the time. She was my best friend. And now she is asking for space and does not know if we can be friends anytime soon. I want to text her and call her but know i shouldnt and that is really hard for me too do. After reading the other posts it is good to know that it may or may not happen but time is the best cure for it all. thanks.

[ywt]

I've only managed to later become "friends" with one of my ex's. We dated in college and met because we joined the same community service club. Dated for a while, and the relationship slowly started to fizzle. I was thinking one day on how I should go about calling her to end it, when she called me saying we needed to talk. Turns out she was feeling the same way. So we mutually decided to end it.

We still both wanted to be in the club, so we had to be civil to each other at all the events. It's been about 4 years now, and I'm engaged and she's been seriously dating someone for a year and a half, and I'd say we're "friends." We're still in touch with some of the same people, so we hear what's going on in each other's lives occasionally. If I send a mass "happy holidays" e-mail or something, she's on it, and vice versa. But we're by no means close. And I honestly think the only reason it works at all, even in this limited sense, is that we were both ready to end the relationship at the same time. So we both were ready for it.

Not saying it can't be done, just that you have to be patient, and have pretty reasonable expectations.