Ready to settle down... or not!

[volleystace]

Hi there.. I could really use some advise from anyone who has been through what I am going through. Or maybe those of you who are in the same situation.......

I am 25.... I am a total relationship type who has been in a long term most of my early 20's... I ended the relationship because I wasn't ready to get married after 5 years together... I just changed so much over the years.... I was then single for about 6-7 months doing my own thing, loving life and was determined to stay that way until I figured out who I am, what I want, establish my career, get my own place, etc.
But then I met my fiance, and I was totally swept off my feet, moved into his place and then eventually got engaged... Now I am totally doubting everything and thinking I rushed into something I definitely was not ready for... I always get suckered in!!! When I fall, I fall hard....
I feel like I have never really been totally independant... never lived on my own, I just started into a great company and planning my career (but nowhere near it yet).. I am having so many doubts about settling down... whether I am with the "one" or not.... whether I am done dating other men... I'm definitely not ready for marriage and kids anytime soon....... It's like I hit a realization that everything I dreamt about and wanted, I no longer feel the urgency to have it.
I feel so young... I feel I have alot to explore... But at the same time, I am an incredibly loving person, total relationship type, I prefer to be in a relationship yet I want my cake and eat it to and be able to roam freely...
My fiance is 32 and is totally ready to settle down... I feel like such a kid lately, I just dont' have the same priorities as he does... I feel terrible and immature for wanting to go to the bars/clubs with my girlfriends... but I can't help it......
I am in such limbo that although I could settle down, I feel like I might be cheating myself out of experiencing alot of good things and exploring about myself over the next few years.
I'm so afraid I will change drastically, that I am no longer the same person and want the same things in a few years...

I love my fiance very much, and feel terrible that I may be willing to throw everything out the window to go explore the "unknown".... Yet I feel completely drawn to doing so...... I've tried to just talk myself into settling down and realize what I have is great and that commitment and marriage is ultimately what I want one day, so why not just continue on.... but I can't seem to do it... everyday the doubt grows more and more...

I'm so confused :(

[Bsig84]

I think that there is nothing wrong with these feelings you are having girl!!! You hardly got to experience the joy of being single and now that is haunting you. I think everyone has some fears/doubts before they get married but it sounds like you have a LOT. It also sounds like you really love this guy but you just arent ready for marriage. Does your fiance know any of this?

[volleystace]

He does but not maybe to the full extent as I have explained here... awhile back we were fighting about me wanting to go out alot, etc.. and he just wasn't seeing the same enthusiasm for future from me that he has... and it took me awhile to really understand what it was that I was feeling.... alot of our relationship was rocky and because of the fighting I was blaming my doubts on that... when ultimately deep down I think it's because I am not ready... and he senses that... and alot of our fights stemmed from that.
I was showing alot of selfishness.. just the young mindset of doing what you want, not worrying too much about responsiblities that you might when you are married such as mortgage, housework.. etc.
I am still in the stage of wanting to enjoy life, having fun, but still remaining responsible.. but not completely overwhelming myself..

I

[Bsig84]

Did you set a date for the wedding yet? I have a friend that was going through this too and what she decided was to basically become "unengaged." They are not engaged anymore but still seriously dating. Maybe thats an option?

[asm198]

I dated my now-husband for 3 years before we got engaged. We were engaged for around 2 years, when I started to feel like you are. I had moved from my parents house to an apartment with him for college and felt like I would never have the chance to be independent, date other people, etc. So we broke up. I got my own apartment and was able to do my own thing.

We got back together after two years, but dated casually for about 5 months before we decided to be exclusive. After about a year of that, I moved in with him and we got engaged a couple of years later. We got married in June.

I most definitely don't regret ending our relationship before. It was really hard when it happened, but it was absolutely the best thing for us. People usually don't understand how we could have been engaged, broke up, and then get back together because "you broke up for a reason". Well, the reason was that I wasn't ready to be married at 22 and to the guy I had dated since my senior year of high school. I know I would have regretted it.

If you don't feel ready, then you really need to talk to him. Marriage is a huge deal and you shouldn't go into it without doubts like that, IMO.

[volleystace]

Thanks for the responses... No we have not set a date yet... He left that up to me... after we got engaged he noticed as the months passed (and many people asking!) that I had not made any plans to set a date or even looked at a bridal magazine....
I guess after we got engaged I really realized how soon it was for me and that my first instinct was to wait awhile longer... but my fiance persisted and when he proposed things were amazing so ofcourse I said yes.

To me being engaged doesn't really matter.... if I gave the ring back, or I didn't... to me it's not going to really make a difference... My problem is the whole idea of marriage itself and being scared to make that commitment to him. We will either A) get through this and get married.. or B) break up completely.
So really until a decision is made, stepping back is not going to change anything.
The problem was we rushed things ALOT... (mostly him) I was pretty content just dating.. but he was pressing for engagement after 5 months!! I told him repeatedly that we should wait AT LEAST 1 year.. but after awhile he proposed at 5 months anyway!
Even though I knew it was soon, things were going so well and we lived together and everything was great so I figured why not.

I'm just getting more and more doubtful... even though I love him, over time I am realizing that I'm either not ready at all for marriage, or just not with HIM.. I often doubt if he is really the one for me...
And I always thought once you met the right person you stop questioning or wondering what else is out there....
I often envision myself being alot happier, more in love, and married to someone else... (although I have no idea WHO)
But at the same time, I really do love my fiance.... but I can't seem to commit or leave. I am in total limbo and it's making me severely depressed :0

[volleystace]

I have been through this once before... I dated someone for 5 years when I was 19-23, and after the years and changing so much I realized he wasn't for me for life... I just felt there was something "higher" out there for me..

Then once I met my fiance and fell in love I found that "higher"...
Then after time has passed, I am feeling the EXACT same as I did in my last relationship... I feel there is a "higher" love for me out there... someone more compatible and something "deeper"..
Maybe I am totally mental, but I wonder if I'm one of those people that is never happy.... or maybe I just really haven't found the perfect person for me..
:eek:

[sparky88]

I'm just getting more and more doubtful... even though I love him, over time I am realizing that I'm either not ready at all for marriage, or just not with HIM.. I often doubt if he is really the one for me...
And I always thought once you met the right person you stop questioning or wondering what else is out there....
I often envision myself being alot happier, more in love, and married to someone else... (although I have no idea WHO)

I think you should ask yourself "Would I want someone to marry me if this (above) is how they felt about me/our future marriage?"

[volleystace]

I think you should ask yourself "Would I want someone to marry me if this (above) is how they felt about me/our future marriage?"

No definitely not...... but where I am completely paralyzed is what do I do now??????? Wait and be unhappy and doubtful.... or breakup and see if I can move on?

I just dont know what to do..:0

[thetinydancer]

To an extent, I can really understand where you're coming from with this.

The beauty of loving relationships...I'm assuming you have one w/ your fiance is that you don't have to wade through stuff like this alone...which it seems like you have been.

It may sound like this is something you've gotta tackle solo or "he won't be able to handle" your doubt but you owe it to him, and to yourself to be totally honest without being hurtful.

ask YOURSELF first...why am i having these doubts? is it something about him or the relationship that you actually don't want or have issues with? is it something in you that you need to look at? compare these feelings to the other lonr term relationship that you had...any similarities? how is this time different?

when you can at least clarify to yourself what the root of the problem is, bring it to him. he needs to know that his fiancee is having doubts...i'd certainly want to know.

open, honest communication is the way to go...even if it hurts. it's better to talk it out and know than live your life unsure.

best of luck to you.

[LowCarbLife]

I'm definitely not ready for marriage and kids anytime soon....... (

Girlfriend, you have a fiance! (I'm a little jealous lol). It is possible that you may be rushing into things. But then again, pre marital jitters are very normal. You just need to search inside your sould and find out what you are really after.

You will still be able to persue your career and goals while being married. That shouldn't stop you. But, it is true that the going out without the hubby probably will not go over so well.

Maybe you guys should so some pre-marital counseling. Very popular these days and very helpful. I know my BF and I will do some couseling before we get married, just to air everything out and double check our decisions. Nothing wrong with that. Especially since you are engaged, you need to make sure you are both on the same page before the ceremony.