Always looking for excuses...

[hereisnewyork]

So I say I really want a relationship, being 25 and having never been in one, but I think when it comes down to it I am a closet commitment-phobe...that, or something else is completely wrong with me.

I can never like a guy who likes me...it makes them less attractive, less exciting, and I always try and find something that seems to turn me off.
The current guy that likes me who could really have potential is my current victim...back hair? ugh...holds my hand on the second date? too soon...calls me at 9:30am on a monday morning? well i dont know what that's about.

but I swear if I liked him more than he liked me, I wouldn't be finding any fault...or I would be ignoring the faults.

Help :(

[aggiegrad05]

I have absolutely no advice for you, but I'm the exact same way. I feel ya.

[SWMOchick]

I find that I'm the same way, only for different reasons. If a guy shows interest in me, then I begin to think there must be something wrong with him. Why is it he feels he can't find someone better than me. It's just a self-seteem thing that I need to get past.

[red]

i actually used to be like that too. i almost didn't go on a second date with my husband because i thought he was too old (8 yrs older than me). luckily i had a good friend who called me on my behavior. and my husband cracks me up and is totally hot, so that didn't hurt ;-)

just letting you know that this condition can be overcome. objectively, some of the guys who liked me were the needy type, which would have been a terrible match for someone like me. i can't stand a needy guy. but i blew off a few nice guys for totally silly reasons (called too much, wanted me to walk under their umbrella, etc) and it took a while to work through that.

good luck.

[hereisnewyork]

I find that I'm the same way, only for different reasons. If a guy shows interest in me, then I begin to think there must be something wrong with him. Why is it he feels he can't find someone better than me. It's just a self-seteem thing that I need to get past.

it's actually the same exact issue that we share, just written differently...i think something is wrong with them for liking me so much and by thinking that something is wrong with them therefore they aren't good enough for me...it's a vicious cycle, it's like low self-esteem and high standards at the same time?!?! sigh

[wordsmith]

You need to look at WHY you're more interested in the unattainable than the attainable, and if it's really the person's interest in you that's at the root of the offputting factor.

[Bsig84]

I actually think this is a much more common problem than you think. I know a LOT of people that are going/went through the same thing you are. I used to be really bad at this too. I would even pursue guys and as soon as they showed interest I couldnt stand them. I think its an immaturity thing and a fear thing. Its also that you just havent met the right person. Once you meet that person, things are just easier, especially in the beginning.

Thats exactly what happened with my current boyfriend. We really hit it off in the beginning. I still get those feelings sometimes but we are so close that I can just tell him when i am feeling a little overwhelmed and he understands to back off a little bit (he expresses how much he likes me all the time and that scared me sometimes). Now Im the one that is constantly all over him and telling him how much i like him. Lol. It just took a little time and the right person.

[IPlanTheCity]

i have the same exact problem. its to the point that going out on a second date or getting serious with a guy that likes me more than i like him or that shows too much interest makes me sick to my stomach. i wish i knew home to make this go away...

[hereisnewyork]

yea i knew it was common but didn't know how much, it's good to hear from you guys who get the same way...I really want to get past this, because with this issue it's hard to tell if you really like the person or if its just them liking me that is making me not like them...so the only way to know is to stick it out and thats sooo hard. I really want to not be so scared of something I want so bad :(

[Bsig84]

yeah you can try sticking it out but sometimes it just doesnt do any good. try going on a second or third date and if you are still struggling, move on. The last thing you want to do is lead someone on.


i have the same exact problem. its to the point that going out on a second date or getting serious with a guy that likes me more than i like him or that shows too much interest makes me sick to my stomach. i wish i knew home to make this go away...

LOL omg that is exaclty how i used to be too! I really wouldnt stress too much. try dating as much as you can. Force yourself to go out with someone even if you arent that interested. Do it for experience and the more you do it the easier it will be. When that person comes along, you will know it and the fear wont get in the way.

[hereisnewyork]

When that person comes along, you will know it and the fear wont get in the way.

what if you're so screwed up that thats not true and you do really need to force yourself?

[cheshrcarol]

Do you seriously get turned off if a guy tries to hold your hand on the 2nd date?? Jeez, I'd be wondering what was wrong if he hadn't tried for at least a good night kiss by the end of date 2.

[Bsig84]

That could definately be the case. I know a lot of people that married someone that they said they didnt even care for at first. I would just be careful to not keep forcing yourself and end up hurting the other person. I wouldnt want to be with someone if they were "forcing themselves" to be with me. You could always try talking to a therapist about this. Im sure there is an underlying reason you are doing this.

But just see what happens if you continue dating someone. Do the small things keep bothering you? Or do they lessen with time? Maybe if they lessen, they will keep lessening until you dont even care anymore. What is the longest you have dated someone?

[hereisnewyork]

Do you seriously get turned off if a guy tries to hold your hand on the 2nd date?? Jeez, I'd be wondering what was wrong if he hadn't tried for at least a good night kiss by the end of date 2.

yea im not good with mushy stuff but kissing and other stuff im ok with, its pretty weird....i guess mushy is too intimate for me in the beginning.


But just see what happens if you continue dating someone. Do the small things keep bothering you? Or do they lessen with time? Maybe if they lessen, they will keep lessening until you dont even care anymore. What is the longest you have dated someone?

the longest ive dated someone is a few months...i have liked a lot of guys but the ones i like aren't interested in me for more than "a good time."

[Bsig84]

the longest ive dated someone is a few months...i have liked a lot of guys but the ones i like aren't interested in me for more than "a good time."[/QUOTE]

God ive been there too. But if you have dated for a few months then it means you arent completely hopeless! Some guys can be very understanding about being hesitant to be serious or show emotion. Even now sometimes when my boyfriend says something mushy i make fun of him. Maybe if you just let a guy know upfront that you arent looking for anything serious that will help make the relationship very casual. Also, dont worry about thinking ahead. One of the things i do sometimes is think, "oh god i could never marry this guy!" Just take things one day at a time and try to have fun! Go on fun dates and just be as casual as you can. If you arent interested, he will understand and you will both move on. But dont settle!!!

[SWMOchick]

yea im not good with mushy stuff but kissing and other stuff im ok with, its pretty weird....i guess mushy is too intimate for me in the beginning.




the longest ive dated someone is a few months...i have liked a lot of guys but the ones i like aren't interested in me for more than "a good time."
You have to be my long lost twin or something.

I'm working on taking the advice of going out with people, even if there is some "thing" that makes me not want to. If I can get past that, go out, and have a good time, then I feel a lot better about myself.

I also just am trying to look at dating as making new friends. It takes a lot of that pressure off.

I don't think it's a matter of immaturity. I know that there have been certain things that I've gone through in my life, little things even, that make me tend to be the way I am. I'm just working to overcome those things and get past the feeling of unworthiness.

[hereisnewyork]

You have to be my long lost twin or something.

I'm working on taking the advice of going out with people, even if there is some "thing" that makes me not want to. If I can get past that, go out, and have a good time, then I feel a lot better about myself.

I also just am trying to look at dating as making new friends. It takes a lot of that pressure off.

I don't think it's a matter of immaturity. I know that there have been certain things that I've gone through in my life, little things even, that make me tend to be the way I am. I'm just working to overcome those things and get past the feeling of unworthiness.

haha I've totally noticed our similarities too since I've started posting on the board!
I agree most with the last thing you said about it being about things that you've gone through...I'm basically averse to mushy stuff because it's not what I'm used to...I'm used to getting treated like crap from guys I like so it's just something thats unfortunately become a part of me to expect and somehow you have to work at it, ignore it, whatever you can I guess.

[red]

some people are REALLY mushy and that's fine for them and some (like me) are not and that is fine too.

i don't think you HAVE to like mushy stuff. i mean, if you don't like it because you expect to be treated like crap, then that's something to work out in therapy for sure. it's not an easy process. good luck.

[fuzmiq]

I have the same problem, I think. I do definitely want the unattainable people. It's a curse. No seriously though. I do this often. But it isn't a conscious thing. I just kind of go with my feelings usually and they often lead me to guys that have no interest.

I guess the same could be said for the guys that approach me.

[hereisnewyork]

I guess the same could be said for the guys that approach me.

good point!

[Rusalka]

I know I'm posting late in this discussion, but I just wanted to say that I have had this same issue my entire life!
I am easily put off guys that like me and show interest, and get horribly nervous about going on a date with them. But I feel I still have to go through with the date, to test myself. Also, I am really not comfortable with hand-holding, kissing or anything until at least date # 2. I'm just not.

I'm not sure what advice would work, but I'd agree with what you guys have said: date lots of different men to get used to dating itself (you can use the Internet), look on dating as a chance to hang out with a potential new friend; above all, don't take it too seriously. If I meet someone who I really click with, it's automatically a lot easier. To the OP: if you don't click with someone after a 2-3 dates, they are very probably not right for you - move on.

[starrynight]

hereisnewyork and swmochick, I wish we could all meet and go out and look for guys! lol We'd probably all go for the same ones! :P But seriously, I still don't have a group of girlfriends to go out with and have fun with here in Chicago. It sucks ass!

[ugarachel82]

I have absolutely no advice for you, but I'm the exact same way. I feel ya.

ditto. I'm also 25, and have never had a serious relationship, or even a date for that matter. Yikes! I don't know what good I am doing posting this, if for no other reason than to say I feel ya and we'll get through this slump together, if in fact, it is a slump! I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal and expected for someone of our age. Thanks for posting your innermost thoughts and feelings!!!