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LowCarbLife
12-09-2007, 12:32 AM
I was thinking that my BF and I would become engaged (yes we have talked about it) after he get his masters. However, he is now saying that he is considering his PHD or med school. That is an awesome goal and would really enhance his career and our quality of life in the future. But, even though we have talked about marriage, it does not seem like it is in the near future and possibly not during med school. I am ready to take the next step now!!! I really do not think I can just chill and wait that long.

I really do love him, but I also love myself. I know that if you want to marry someone, you do. And you make it work. IF it is during tough times, you work harder and love harder and in turn love grows stronger. I feel that I am not afraid of hard times, but he is. He wants to be fully set to provide for a family - which is awesome, but he will not even be able to get there until after school.

I am willing to wait until after the masters program but more than that is really abusing my feelings and hendering my life too. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. We have been together over 2 years already and he still has about a year and a half more for his masters.

Now. I want to talk to him to get a clear idea of what his plans are and where we stand for the future. I do not want to give an ultimatum though because that is lame. But, I want us to work out, I really do. I just don't know how to have this conversation without comming on too strong.

When you really want to marry someone, dont you plan for it and just do it??

What should I do? And how should I kindly talk to him about this?

winneythepooh7
12-09-2007, 08:19 AM
How long have you been together? I have a friend who is a doctor. She also is constantly working. Also, she is paying off a ton of student loan debt so I don't see her being able to really afford to pay for a family anytime soon. Just sayin'.

AshleyJordan
12-09-2007, 08:51 AM
I agree that pursuing an advanced degree should not significantly change your BF's ability to marry you, or when. Kids, yes. That you need to really plan for. But getting engaged, no. If he really wants to take that step, his career/financial situation should not impair that. People do things like that all the time. It just means a cheaper ring or a tiny wedding or living in a small apartment while you guys get established financially.

I also think you're right that you have to communicate that--firmly--to your BF. The first step you have to do is to determine what you're willing to live with. Are you OK with things remaining the way they are? What will you do if he says he doesn't want to get engaged anytime soon? I'd strongly suggest you think of those scenarios and just starting thinking (not too rigidly,) of what would work for you, so you can have an open discussion w/ him about these things.

I know it's not easy (BTDT,) but it's worth it to establish what sort of future you both envision and how similar those two things are. Also how much you're willing to compromise. Again, I've BTDT on something similar and although my initial conversations re. these issues were very heated, I'm soooooooooo glad that I made my expectations known, and discussed them so openly with my SO, and he respects me greatly for having done so. . . there's a very clear sense of what we both expect, short- and long-term, from the relationship now.

Good luck.

AshleyJordan
12-09-2007, 08:57 AM
I should add also that these convos were great in my relationship because we want similar things. At the risk of stating the obvious, if you want very different things, it's much tougher.

winneythepooh7
12-09-2007, 09:02 AM
I should add also that these convos were great in my relationship because we want similar things. At the risk of stating the obvious, if you want very different things, it's much tougher.

Agreed. Which is why I also raised the point I did.

ebruening
12-09-2007, 01:58 PM
Now. I want to talk to him to get a clear idea of what his plans are and where we stand for the future. I do not want to give an ultimatum though because that is lame. But, I want us to work out, I really do. I just don't know how to have this conversation without comming on too strong.

When you really want to marry someone, dont you plan for it and just do it??

What should I do? And how should I kindly talk to him about this?

I can totally understand about not wanting to go the "ultimatum" route. I always thought I'd be fine with waiting many years in a relationship before seriously discussing marriage. However, I found out that I'm not. I think the best thing you can do for both of you is state, as calmly as you can, exactly what you want out of the relationship, and then ask what his thoughts and feelings are on what you've shared with him.