mixed signals - what to do

[MaryDunne]

I find I get mixed signals from men all the time, and I’m never sure how to interpret them. So I don’t. I just assume the guy is not interested, or not interested enough to send a clear signal, and just ignore the whole thing. But maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss these signals?

Here’s an example from last night:

Background: There’s a guy I know from the local community theatre scene. I run into him here and there. Sometimes he’s very friendly, sometimes just regular friendly. Last night he was regular friendly. The first few times I met him he came on so strong I thought he was mocking me, so I was a bit aloof with him for a while. Now I am just regular friendly too.

Last night: At the end of an event, as I was leaving, I went over to say goodbye to him (we’d chatted a bit over the course of the night), say Merry Christmas etc. We shook hands, and I noticed he gave my hand a bit of an extra squeeze (let’s just say I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t shake a man’s hand like that) and mentioned that he would be at another event (performing I think) on Tuesday night, and said something I didn’t quite catch about my dropping by.

Now, is this a sign of interest? Because I have been down this road before with this guy. E.g. Once I ran into him at a show. We were both on our own and we sat together for the show, and then he suggested we go to another show afterwards that was in the area (very active little scene we have here). I agreed, wondering if this was, at last, a clear sign of interest. We walked over to the next show, but once we got there, he ignored me most of the night, chatting with other people. I thought “Well, there’s my answer.” Not a big deal. But then last night there’s the hand squeeze.

So, how to interpret these signals? Or am I better off just ignoring them as usual? Why do people send mixed signals anyway? What do they achieve?

[winneythepooh7]

It's been my experience, and my overall opinion, that if someone is interested in you, you know that and you by no means have to question it at all. They will usually in some form be very open with you about that.

[old_school_soul]

It's been my experience, and my overall opinion, that if someone is interested in you, you know that and you by no means have to question it at all. They will usually in some form be very open with you about that.

I second this. Who has time to play guessing games. There is one woman in particular who calls once a week to see what I am doing that day, and I already have plans. Her loss. If she wants to hang out with me then she needs to try to plan ahead. People always make time and effort for those who they are truly interested in, or at least explain why they can't.

[Bsig84]

Yeah i agree too. If they are that unclear in whether they are even interested, can you imagine dating them? Ick. More than likely he would be completely confusing and would play games the whole time. And who needs that?

[MaryDunne]

Interesting. So the consensus so far is that mixed signals should be ignored.

I'll tell you one of the things that prompted this thread. It was this post on the "never get dates" thread:

I actually have had a couple discussions on this topic recently. Some women claim that guys are scared off and don't ask them out. What I have noticed, however, is that they do draw attention from the guys, they are flirted with, but they don't get asked out because the guys perceive that they got shot down, and so they move on. There is a difference of perception in that the guys get the impression that they are being rejected by the women, but the women get the impression that the guys aren't interested.

It is the classic example of mixed messages and bad communication.

Some people might see my crossing-the-room-to-say-goodbye last night as a clear signal, or a weak one. If you're a guy and you're squeezing a woman's hand, you might be thinking "This is it, I'm letting her know I'm interested, let's see how she reacts", while she's thinking "He's squeezing my hand, what the %&*% is that supposed to mean?"

Not long ago I heard a guy at my gym telling a story about how he'd finally gotten a chance to make a move on some woman he liked but had blown it when the words actually came out of his mouth (he sort of invited her to ask him out, instead of just asking her out directly, and if I'd been her I would not have been impressed either). He didn't want to send a mixed signal, but he didn't have the confidence to do anything else. I got the impression that he had to work himself up to make even that bungled move. And he struck me as a generally pretty confident guy.

So what is the way out of this mess? Not everyone is capable of making unmistakable gestures towards the objects of their affection. Although I can see how those who do will get farther than those who don't.

[winneythepooh7]

I'm just speaking for myself, but I personally wouldn't want to be involved with someone where it was a constant struggle to interpret his meanings. I just don't have the time or patience to deal with that. It's really not that hard to get your point across IMHO. If you want to pursue this, then just ask him if he's interested.

[Bsig84]

I think that there are some signals that can definately be taken as a guy "showing interest." I dont think that him squeezing your hand is a blatent sign of interest. If he thinks that it is a sign of interest then he really needs to work on how to approach a girl.

I went through this for a while with a guy. I could never figure out if he liked me. I kept getting mixed signals and so I just stopped caring. Turns out he was going through a breakup and ended up just coming right out and telling me that he liked me. Then when we were dating, it ended up being just as complicated as before. The confusion and mixed signals just kept up until I was just tired of the guessing.

I guess I just believe if a guy is interested, he will let you know. If the handshake was meant as him showing interest in you, then what now? is he expecting you to make the next move?

If you really arent sure though and arent willing to just let it go, then why dont you go to the show he was talking about. If you are still getting mixed signals, then go from there. Maybe he will show more interest at the show.

[MaryDunne]

If you want to pursue this, then just ask him if he's interested.

My intent with this thread is to start a discussion about the issue of mixed signals in general. It seems to cause a lot of anxiety and pain for many people, and I wonder how often people miss opportunities for more dates and better relationships because of this very problem.

I'm not really looking for advice on what to do about the guy in my example. I used him as an example because it wouldn't require in-depth knowledge of the context or people involved to understand the central issue of mixedness. (With that guy in particular, though he is attractive to me in some ways, I don't feel a genuine vibe between us. Plus he's a smoker and I'm not.)

Thinking out loud here... if the lesson is "don't bother with mixed signals, anyone worth your time will make it clear they are interested", another lesson must be "if you are interested in someone, let them know in a definite way and don't mess around with mixed signals".

Which is tricky. Most of us are happy to be on the receiving end of definite signs of interest, but to be on the sending side is nerve-wracking. Fear of rejection and all that.

So you see where I am going with all this. We've got a whole society of people who mostly hang back waiting for someone to make a move on them, and wondering why they can't meet anyone.

[embrassezla]

I'm pretty good about giving a clear indication if I like someone. If I get mixed signals back, I take it as a sign to back off. Not trying to deal with that - I prefer others who are as up front as I am.

[Bsig84]

My intent with this thread is to start a discussion about the issue of mixed signals in general. It seems to cause a lot of anxiety and pain for many people, and I wonder how often people miss opportunities for more dates and better relationships because of this very problem.

I'm not really looking for advice on what to do about the guy in my example. I used him as an example because it wouldn't require in-depth knowledge of the context or people involved to understand the central issue of mixedness. (With that guy in particular, though he is attractive to me in some ways, I don't feel a genuine vibe between us. Plus he's a smoker and I'm not.)

Thinking out loud here... if the lesson is "don't bother with mixed signals, anyone worth your time will make it clear they are interested", another lesson must be "if you are interested in someone, let them know in a definite way and don't mess around with mixed signals".

Which is tricky. Most of us are happy to be on the receiving end of definite signs of interest, but to be on the sending side is nerve-wracking. Fear of rejection and all that.

So you see where I am going with all this. We've got a whole society of people who mostly hang back waiting for someone to make a move on them, and wondering why they can't meet anyone.

I think this is such a difficult thing to everyone because it is so subjective. One thing could be really confusing to one person but really obvious to another. I think that if someone is really interested in another person, they should just go for it! dont hint around or send little signals. Just ask them for their number or ask them out!

That being said, i know that can be extremely nerve-racking and difficult for most people. But if you are interested in someone and are sick of being alone, putting yourself out there and taking that risk may be the only way to meet people.

[winneythepooh7]

I think this is such a difficult thing to everyone because it is so subjective. One thing could be really confusing to one person but really obvious to another. I think that if someone is really interested in another person, they should just go for it! dont hint around or send little signals. Just ask them for their number or ask them out!

That being said, i know that can be extremely nerve-racking and difficult for most people. But if you are interested in someone and are sick of being alone, putting yourself out there and taking that risk may be the only way to meet people.

I totally agree.

[and1grad]

I think most people think they're being clear almost every time. I would bet good money that for every person (A) who thinks they are always clear, there's a person (B) that would say that person (A) sends all kinds of mixed messages.