Dealing with condescending peers on the job

[winneythepooh7]

There's this woman from a competitor company who is my peer who I am just sick of. She always is very condenscending to everyone she comes across, and is always trying to "one up" everyone to make herself look good. She did it to me yesterday at a transition meeting of one of my clients to her agency (since we are closed now her company is taking over the case). She was actually rolling her eyes and holding her hand up to me to prevent me from speaking. Basically, the reason she was doing this was because she wanted to talk up how great her company is, how much her company could help my now former client, and how much my agency/me didn't help the client thus far.

This really, really bothers me and I didn't get into it with her yesterday because I wanted to be the professional one obviously (especially since the client was also in the room). I really think that I want to address her behavior with her though, because I wonder if she even KNOWS she comes across that way.(I still have to have conversations with her about the client so it's not like I would be randomly calling her out!) I just don't want to create drama though, because there is a small chance that one of the companies my company owns may be re-opening our program under their name in the future and I may go to work there, thus still having to deal with her. I also work limited P/T hours at a company that provides the same services, so I may still run into her. Has anyone ever "called out" a colleague on their behavior? I mean, we ARE all on the same side afterall----at least we are SUPPOSED to be. Which is to provide support and assistance to the client.

Several of my co-workers I have supervised have complained to me about her too and the way she talks to them, and even emails them CCing to people at the state who oversee our program, to try to make them look like they are a dumb-ass or something in the state's eyes.

Let me state for the record that I have no problems addressing someone if they are like this to me not job related, or, if they are a worker at my agency (which really this has never happened). It's just a fine line to cross though when you have to deal with all the "PR crap". I also would want to do this in a sensitive way, like "This may be awkward but I just wanted to address something from yesterday and how it made me feel when you did that". I know sometimes confronting someone on their behavior just doesn't go over well though, especially if they have no insight into it. Thoughts? Discuss!!!

[Deavan]

Hey, yes I totally called out a colleague on her behavior which was related to a very similar scenario as the one you are dealing with. At the time this woman was completely unprofessional, unproductive and offensive. This colleague of mine is senior to me she is also probably 25 years older than myself as well.

I waited a few days and then I brought up the incident but in the approach of "Is everything ok with you? Because I know that everyone is under a lot of pressure here and I just wanted to let you know that I was concerned after xyz event." She told me she isn’t under pressure (although the woman has a $1.4 million quota and has yet to break $100k) but I told her how her behavior was interpreted...and how it affected those of us who had to work with her.

Her reaction was priceless; she said to me "do you realize I have 25 years more experience than you!" She said this quite snarkily to which I replied "In that case do I need to remind you that I am not the one floating on past success?"

She was basically stunned silent, but we talked about it and she took me out to lunch and since than has actually tried to change her behavior, and has improved.

I can't say that my approach was the best approach nor can I say that you would be able to get through to this person but you can at least bring it up in a professional way and see if pointing out how her actions affect those around her that she works with maybe just maybe she will try and change her behavior in the future... good luck.

[Bsig84]

If there are that many complaints about her, someone needs to say something. If you do decide to say something to her, make sure you wait long enough so that you arent angry or upset anymore. That way you can approach her in a friendly and non-confrontational way. Also, try to use "I" phrases instead of "you." Example: Say "I" felt very hurt and confused after the meeting. NOT "You" acted unreasonably in the meeting. If you can do that, she wont get as defensive.

[winneythepooh7]

If there are that many complaints about her, someone needs to say something. If you do decide to say something to her, make sure you wait long enough so that you arent angry or upset anymore. That way you can approach her in a friendly and non-confrontational way. Also, try to use "I" phrases instead of "you." Example: Say "I" felt very hurt and confused after the meeting. NOT "You" acted unreasonably in the meeting. If you can do that, she wont get as defensive.

Oh yeah, I totally plan on using that kind of strategy. And probably approaching her when I have to deal with her again after the holidays.

I also alluded to drama with her when I had to check in with the state person today about yesterday's meeting.

I just think that moreso in the human services realm, when someone is coming across like this, it should be addressed, because goodness knows how they are going to come across to the consumers otherwise :rolleyes: .

[meatwad]

"Maybe Mr. T's pretty handy with computers. Did that thought every cross your mind Mr. Condescending Director?"

[pisces2473]

Oh yeah, I totally plan on using that kind of strategy. And probably approaching her when I have to deal with her again after the holidays.

I also alluded to drama with her when I had to check in with the state person today about yesterday's meeting.

I just think that moreso in the human services realm, when someone is coming across like this, it should be addressed, because goodness knows how they are going to come across to the consumers otherwise :rolleyes: .
Does she directly deal with the population you serve? Because I'd loooove to see her in action with them, and not be condescending, if she's like that with her peers. :rolleyes:

[winneythepooh7]

Does she directly deal with the population you serve? Because I'd loooove to see her in action with them, and not be condescending, if she's like that with her peers. :rolleyes:

Yup. How she is a Director is beyond me, but then again, most things that happen with the program I've worked for are beyond me half the time anyways ;).

[steph78]

You know, I WISH I had the courage to address issues like this - if you do talk to her about it I totally admire that and hope that it helps the situation.

There are many times in my job where I felt like someone needed to say something to someone about their behavior, but I didn't feel comfortable doing it myself. Even when it would have been totally warranted - I have had contractors be extremely rude to me. One of my coworkers (our IT guy) gets really put out if he has to do any actual work besides surfing the web and making personal phone calls on company time - I got very mad at some remarks he made one day when I called him mid-day with a problem that (a) needed to be resolved ASAP in order for me to finish my work, and (b) is totally within his job description to fix...and he went off about how it was such an inconvenience for him to have to do anything. I was ALMOST very rude to him but didn't have the guts, I feel like someone needs to tell him how unacceptable his behavior generally is. I have no idea why our boss puts up with him.

[winneythepooh7]

I'm not sure yet if I am going to say anything. A colleague of mine recommended a book (it's geared to social workers) on how to address "difficult subjects" with people.

My only concern (and my colleague voiced this) is that sometimes people are not receptive to constructive criticism and take it personally. He even voiced how he had a similar situation with a colleague and then they tried to always catch him on a bad day or especially "find something wrong" with the work he was doing.

I think this is why so many people don't like confronting anyone on their issues........fear of it backfiring.

I have always been taught as well no matter where I worked really, that it's better to just bite your tongue and "deal with it" by being the bigger person. Sucks sometimes though when you know you are not the person in the wrong!!

[pisces2473]

I have always been taught as well no matter where I worked really, that it's better to just bite your tongue and "deal with it" by being the bigger person. Sucks sometimes though when you know you are not the person in the wrong!!
Yeah, it does suck...and sometimes, those people need to be PUT IN THEIR PLACES!!!!!

But who will be the brave ones?

[winneythepooh7]

This does make an interesting topic for conversation.

It's kinda like you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I know that for example, the people who oversee the state program I have worked for are very often much younger than me, with less knowledge and sadly, basic people skills in general. When I've told stories of how they talk to me and my colleagues, people have advised me to report them (I mean, one of them called my personal cell phone cursing me out one day for issues beyond my or anyone's control so loudly fellow passengers on the LIRR were looking at me!).

But again, I've been advised where I work that "you don't do that" or "you don't bite the hand that feeds you", since they are the ones that give referrals (which = $$$ to agencies). It just sucks that they can get away with that, but if I were to do that, I'd be reprimanded and I wouldn't doubt, fired.

[pisces2473]

I know, it is difficult. I deal with a person who doesn't work for my company, but works for (as a volunteer) a publication with whom we advertise. This guy is always calling me, emailing, etc offering "advice" which we don't need or like. He's also pretty nasty about some of our colleagues...and I just have to either ignore him or yes him to death...because if I were to piss him off, he might say/do things that would damage the relationship between my co. and his vol. org.

Ay de mi.:rolleyes:

[winneythepooh7]

I know, it is difficult. I deal with a person who doesn't work for my company, but works for (as a volunteer) a publication with whom we advertise. This guy is always calling me, emailing, etc offering "advice" which we don't need or like. He's also pretty nasty about some of our colleagues...and I just have to either ignore him or yes him to death...because if I were to piss him off, he might say/do things that would damage the relationship between my co. and his vol. org.

Ay de mi.:rolleyes:

Oh, I've dealt with those kinda people many times in the past!

The best are the ones who think they know what your job and responsibilities are but really have no clue. I dealt with this woman once who was a volunteer guardian for one of my former clients. If she didn't get her way, she would literally have temper tantrums and stomp her feet and march away all dramatically from meetings and such. It was kinda comical to watch thinking back.

[winneythepooh7]

Ha! So last week I told her what I thought of her.

She started sending all these emails CCed to me and a bunch of people complaining about issues that were not even issues. If she had read all of her emails to begin with, we wouldn't have had to go through this. I responded back that I did not appreciate the way she was speaking to me, because we are COLLEAGUES and should be working in the best interest TOGETHER for the client.

She had her SECRETARY respond back saying "that she was just stressed and frustrated with everything right now".

Maybe she shouldn't be in that position then.

[Rage]

If there's a way to stroke someone's ego while drawing attention to a problem, that's the way I try to handle things. It seems like I'm on their side and they are more receptive to my problem. Ultimately, I have always been more appreciative of someone who told me I did something that bothered them, rather than saving it for a moment when they can backstab me anonymously.

[winneythepooh7]

Just an update on this:

She's had a major attitude readjustment, and has started being super nice and helpful to me. When she heard I was promoted and I am in her exact same role, yet, at another agency, she sent me an email inviting me to reach out to her if I need any support in my new role.