A shitty thing to do

[bananananafish]

I've been having problems with a friend. It started last July. I rarely see Maria since we stopped being roommates nearly two years ago, and during those times, we had become closer and learned so much from each other. Furthermore, Maria had broken up a long-term relationship nearly two years ago, around the same time that I went into a relationship, and she's bummed out that she's still single and getting older.

While driving to my sister's wedding, we had some alone time and the perfect opportunity to chat and let her know about some things in my life because we rarely see each other due to my being in a long-distance relationship and was only able to see my boyfriend on weekends and therefore not able to spend time with friends. I started ranting about work and difficult co-workers; she didn't find it very interesting and changed the subject. I started ranting about work again. Again, she didn't say anything. I was upset because I felt like I was not being listened to and my feelings were being dismissed, so sarcastically I said, "Well, sorry about bringing up work, I know people don't like hearing stuff like that." This was her reply, "Oh, it's okay, you have a boyfriend now, you can tell him about your problems."

I was shocked. Yes, I have a boyfriend now and I do tell him about my problems, but it's not the same as getting support from your friends. Besides, since we're friends, I thought that she'd care to know what I've been to. It's funny that not too long ago when she started a new job, she was always running to me to complain about it and I was there to listen. Now that the tables had turned and I needed some support, she was not willing to lend support.

Ever since then, I can't bare to be around her, to look at her, to speak to her. We had a little talk over the phone about it, and though it sounded like it smoothed everything out, it didn't. Basically, she said she feels like I'm rubbing it in her face that I'm coupled and participate in the lowest form of intimacy with my boyfriend - holding hands - right in front of her. We stopped doing this since I heard from my sister that she doesn't like seeing that sort of stuff! She also brought up the fact that she didn't appreciate my boyfriend giving me a piggy back ride in front of her. This happened a long time ago, and she's still upset about it. I don't understand her. Okay, she doesn't like hanging out with coupled people, so I invite her for happy hour, just me and her. She says yes, books a date, then cancels on me at the last minute because apparently judo (her "boyfriend" according to her) is more important, though she just came back to town from a judo tournament and goes to judo practice practically four to five times a week and had claimed that she was getting sick of judo.

This whole situation has been on my mind lately. I'd like to be mature in dealing with her, but at the same time, I'm still pissed at the crappy thing that she did.

[winneythepooh7]

Honestly, if it was me, I probably would totally phase her out. I can understand that she is angry, jealous, bitter, upset etc. that she doesn't have a SO but I think in general, many people who are in this situation fail to realize that having a SO is not the end-all and be-all to one's existence. I can understand wanting to share your life with someone, but it's not right to take it out on someone just because they are dating someone and you are not. I'm married for example and often feel lonely because I personally feel that having quality female friends around in my life is something that is lacking. Being married does not change that.

[pisces2473]

I'm sorry your friend is being lame. When things got serious with me and my now-husband, there was one friend who had a REALLY hard time with it (would make comments, put me down, etc) and I tried to talk things out with her, but when she couldn't be mature, I had to cut her out. It sucked at the time, but I was willing to meet her halfway and she couldn't.

To echo Winney, it sucks even more now that I haven't found many new girlfriends to hang out with. Being in serious relationship or married doesn't mean you don't want friends. Often times, single ladies find it hard to be friends with those who are coupled up and don't want to continue the friendships.

[halfbaked07]

I don't understand single people like that... I mean, really!....Your girl has a boyfriend? Boyfriend has GOT to have some friends.... Hook a sista up!!!

[winneythepooh7]

It's funny too, because I've also known people like the OP mentioned, who as soon as they get a flava of the week, cut all ties off with THEIR friends.

[TinyDancer]

Yeah, she seems on the crazy jealous side.

I would probably have an issue with you as a friend if you were to completely ditch me as a friend because of your boyfriend. . . but it doesn't sound like that's her issue, given the things she's mentioned that have bothered her. . .

I agree with Winney.

[winneythepooh7]

I don't understand single people like that... I mean, really!....Your girl has a boyfriend? Boyfriend has GOT to have some friends.... Hook a sista up!!!

Really good point!!

[bananananafish]

Honestly, if it was me, I probably would totally phase her out. I can understand that she is angry, jealous, bitter, upset etc. that she doesn't have a SO but I think in general, many people who are in this situation fail to realize that having a SO is not the end-all and be-all to one's existence. I can understand wanting to share your life with someone, but it's not right to take it out on someone just because they are dating someone and you are not. I'm married for example and often feel lonely because I personally feel that having quality female friends around in my life is something that is lacking. Being married does not change that.

I agree with you. When I was single, yeah, I wanted a boyfriend, but I wasn't hating on her because she had a boyfriend. I knew that I was not happy with myself and so guys probably saw that and avoided me. She needs to be happy with herself first, and then everything will fall into place. She's freaking out that this is the longest that she's had no boyfriend, and her mom is pressuring her to get married and have kids soon, before she dies (the mom has a terminal illness). But, then, that's no excuse for being shitty to somebody who's actually happy and not the depressed and overweight person that she'd known me to be.

[bananananafish]

I don't understand single people like that... I mean, really!....Your girl has a boyfriend? Boyfriend has GOT to have some friends.... Hook a sista up!!!


She's really picky. Her ex-boyfriend was a nice, mature guy; yet, it bothered her that he was not funny. She even had a little talk with him about being more funny. Jesus, it's just his personality; he's not funny, how can you change that? I suppose you could take funny lessons or something!

I try to point out guys and ask her what she thinks of them. They're too short, they don't have a college degree, they don't have a desirable job, they're not skinny, they're not white. Once, I suggested that if my boyfriend's friend ever comes to town, that we should have a double date. Sardonically she replied, "Were they in a fraternity together?" or else she wouldn't agree to it. She went on a date with a guy, and she said that he was "too critical." And you should really put a mirror to yourself, Maria.

I've given up on her. She's an adult, obviously she knows her own complex taste, she can hook herself up.

[bananananafish]

Yeah, she seems on the crazy jealous side.

I would probably have an issue with you as a friend if you were to completely ditch me as a friend because of your boyfriend. . . but it doesn't sound like that's her issue, given the things she's mentioned that have bothered her. . .

I agree with Winney.

We lost touch. Because she found herself to be single again when I was getting into a relationship, she had replaced that boyfriend with judo. She'd go to practice as often as going to work, and she'd also get out of town for tournaments. She called judo her "boyfriend." She was so focused on judo that she neglected her friends. I could have also done my part. Knowing that she doesn't like being around coupled people because we supposedly rub it in her face, I tried to not invite her to do stuff with me and my boyfriend. The three of us hung out for awhile, until she said she didn't like it. So I stopped. I never had a lot of friends to begin with - mainly hung out with my sisters and one of my sister's husband - so I was not neglecting many people. Most of my friends live far away, and I was never good at making friends because I'm shy. When we hang out as a big group, a variety of couples and singles, she still seemed uncomfortable. During an all girls' night, I was standing in front of an opened car door, and she pushed me aside, so she could go in. She could have said excuse me, or asked if she could get through, right? No, she was pissed off at me and wanted to physically let me know.

She said that I have a boyfriend now and a social work job (which I've always wanted), she assumed that my life is now perfect. Perfect, my ass. My SO and I sometimes fight, not in front of people, so we could have possibly given people the illusion that we're perfect. Most of the time, we talk things out and work it out and we're back to normal. Oh, and get this, I just got laid off from my perfect little social work job. I guess it's not so perfect after all. Because she doesn't ask about my life, she doesn't know these things.

[bridgetjones]

It sounds like she needs to grow up. Yeah it sucks to be single when surrounded by other couples but that is life. It seems like you are making a good effort to be a friends. She definately needs an attitude adjustment. As for needing a man with a sense of humour... I do not think that is superficial. I am not sure I would like to date someone without a sense of humour. That is important to me but demanding someone to be funny is not funny.

[halfbaked07]

Sounds like she needs therapy. I want to say she sucks! phase her out!, but it sounds like she needs some loving guidance from someone other than her mom.

[winneythepooh7]

Sounds like she needs therapy. I want to say she sucks! phase her out!, but it sounds like she needs some loving guidance from someone other than her mom.

I agree. She is transferring her issues with her mom and disappointment in her own life onto others around her. This is quite common though with many people and she shouldn't feel ashamed to seek support of an unbias party.

[MaryDunne]

somebody who's actually happy and not the depressed and overweight person that she'd known me to be.

I think this is part of the problem - you're doing so much better now AND you have a boyfriend when she doesn't.

A real friend is happy for you when good things happen in your life.

[DCgirl]

Furthermore, Maria had broken up a long-term relationship nearly two years ago, around the same time that I went into a relationship, and she's bummed out that she's still single and getting older.



I'm going a bit of tangant for a minute. You say she's bummed that's she's single and getting older. I'm not sure how old you 2 are, but giving the fact that we are on the QLC board, I venture to guess in your mid 20s to early 30s. Most of my friends (mostly women) are freaking out about turning 30 this coming year. I'm not sure why because I'm actually thrilled to be entering my 30s.

At any rate, I can relate to Maria about being single; however, I agree with the others with regard to Maria behaving immature towards you. Unfortunately, I had good friendships with my galpals and guy friends (or so I thought they were good) with some people. Then along came the girlfriend or boyfriend. Initially we would all hang out as a group to go to the movies and dinner every once in awhile. It was nice. However, gone were the days of me and my friend hanging out. He/she would just want to hang out with the boyfriend/girlfriend. WTF? When I was in a brand new relationship, I would hangout more with the boyfriend. However, when that "newness" died down in a month or two, I would hang out with my friends too.

I think you've done more than enough to show Maria that you care about your friendship with her. She, on the other hand, is being disrespectful towards you by purposely (call it a gut feeling) canceling on you at the very last minute. That really stings, doesn't it?

If you haven't already, then tell her that her actions have hurt you so much (I bet the bank she will feel a bit good by you hurting because it a twisted way it shows that you care about her enough to hurt) and you need some time away from her. This may upset her, but given time and space....she'll start analyzing her actions and eventually reach out to you as a wiser/stronger person OR....she'll continue her distructive pattern of self-hate towards other people.

Just my 2 cents worth...

[Millenial]

I've been having problems with a friend. It started last July. I rarely see Maria since we stopped being roommates nearly two years ago, and during those times, we had become closer and learned so much from each other. Furthermore, Maria had broken up a long-term relationship nearly two years ago, around the same time that I went into a relationship, and she's bummed out that she's still single and getting older.

While driving to my sister's wedding, we had some alone time and the perfect opportunity to chat and let her know about some things in my life because we rarely see each other due to my being in a long-distance relationship and was only able to see my boyfriend on weekends and therefore not able to spend time with friends. I started ranting about work and difficult co-workers; she didn't find it very interesting and changed the subject. I started ranting about work again. Again, she didn't say anything. I was upset because I felt like I was not being listened to and my feelings were being dismissed, so sarcastically I said, "Well, sorry about bringing up work, I know people don't like hearing stuff like that." This was her reply, "Oh, it's okay, you have a boyfriend now, you can tell him about your problems."

I was shocked. Yes, I have a boyfriend now and I do tell him about my problems, but it's not the same as getting support from your friends. Besides, since we're friends, I thought that she'd care to know what I've been to. It's funny that not too long ago when she started a new job, she was always running to me to complain about it and I was there to listen. Now that the tables had turned and I needed some support, she was not willing to lend support.

Ever since then, I can't bare to be around her, to look at her, to speak to her. We had a little talk over the phone about it, and though it sounded like it smoothed everything out, it didn't. Basically, she said she feels like I'm rubbing it in her face that I'm coupled and participate in the lowest form of intimacy with my boyfriend - holding hands - right in front of her.


I was in this situation with an ex of mine. Her and her best friend were roommates, and her friend got jealous when I came over and hung out. She would be nice to my face, but take it out on my ex. Then she ended up dating some asshole that was just using her, so we kinda just ignored the guy. She took it personally and said we weren't being supportive. I was like it's hard to be supportive of someone that never was supportive of me in the first place. My ex and her ended up moving their separate ways and I ended up moving to a different apt with my ex like 6 months later.

I would say don't cave in to her, but be open to talk to her, but don't cater to her in any way, you'll just make it worse.

[JackieB]

I guess she views your life as being perfect because you have a boyfriend and found a job that you like. It must scare her to see things working out for you, even though you still have problems (she obviously doesn't see these). As for her not wanting to talk about work in the car - maybe it was because she didn't take your problems seriously and didn't think it was really that bad. Or maybe she's just been feeling really bad about her life situation right now and because of that she really didn't want to hear any negativity.

I don't know how close the two of you have been - but if she has been a really good friend in the past, I think you should try talking to her about how she's making you feel before you 'phase her out.' I think she probably doesn't even know how much she's upset you. Give it another try, but obviously, you can't keep someone in your life who's constantly hurting you - so if she isn't willing to try and be more understanding of you or to be a good friend, then I guess you'll have to phase her out.