flakey friends...getting me down :(

[girlnextdoor]

it seems like just about every one of my friends is soo flakey. i know, find new friends right? but then the new friends are flakey too. my mom thinks it's a generational thing. so now i'm wondering do i just need to accept that everyone is flakey??

i understand forgetting once or twice to respond to an email or being too busy to get together often. but i have this one friend that keeps suggesting we reschedule dinner or whatever plans she had to cancel on and then not following through...we were supposed to hang out this weekend and i haven't heard from her since the first of the week. this always happens. one time she cancelled plans while boarding a plane to another country! she's a nice person for the most part, but all the flakiness just makes me want to stop trying to be her friend.

it's not that big of a deal if one friend is flaky, but when all of mine are, it's a little tough to take. sometimes i wonder if it's b/c i'm too nice and can't confront my friends.

anyone else have flakey friends?

[asm198]

I am the flaky friend. I don't mean to be, though. Usually, I don't respond to emails because I don't know how to respond. My life is pretty boring, so just saying "yay you!" gets old. As far as plans go, I always make plans with the full intention of doing them. Then life gets in the way and by the time the day comes around, I don't want to go anywhere.

Yes, it does make me feel like an asshole. Yes, I feel crappy flaking. I try to make it up to my friends, but I still suck.

[koolkat1980]

Hi Girlnextdoor,

Yeah, I had friends like that in the past! They would always turn up really late for events and have me waiting for ages....or they would plan things, then change their mind the last minute! It is annoying! :rolleyes:

Sometimes, people don't mean to be so annoying, nor do they mean to offend or irritate you. It's just one of those things that happen! Usually you give them the 'benefit of doubt' the first few rounds...and if it keeps happening...you might raise it with them.....and if it really keeps happening - find out smarter ways of dealing with them.

On the otherhand, you will find some people are purposely doing it....either because they're socially inept....or - they feel envious or jealous of you and think you have it all, so they do it purposely to annoy you!

You need to find out if your friend is doing it because it's just her....or if there's reasons behind it. Usually give people the benefit of the doubt first though.

I guess when your young, you have higher expectations of people.....and are more idealistic! As you get older you realise that there's something 'wrong' with everyone! It's just the way they are.....:0 You can't really change them....unless they want to change.

Perhaps...if your friends "Flake" so much...have a back-up plan! (Like plan B)! If they really that hopeless...because you need better people to hang out with. Or perhaps see them less....like once a month or something. I find if you live in 'each-others' pockets every weekend, you're more likely to get annoyed.

[Krishna]

I'm a flakey friend in that I forget to call people in the first place. I have some great friends from high school and college that I haven't talked to in months, because I just forget to call them. I always mean well, but stuff comes up and I forget. Luckily, most of these friends are the same way, so no one gets too bend out of shape over it. Despite all this, if someone calls me first, I will ALWAYS call them back as soon as I hear their message on my phone.

[and1grad]

my mom thinks it's a generational thing.
I agree with your mom. Nowadays, people seem way too "me first." Even more aggravating, for me, is that the selfishness of those people is starting to make me less accommodating and selfish as well.

[TinyDancer]

Luckily, I don't have this issue with friends. . . and when I do, I move on. I understand when trips, etc. come up. . . but when I moved here, I would make plans with this girl, and the time would come, and she wouldn't call me back, etc. It pissed me off because I could have made other plans. . . and if you're going to cancel, at least have the courtesy to call.

She asks me to do things now, and I turn her down. . . because my other friends follow-through. . . and they are more fun anyways!

[pash]

Ok, this is totally my pet peeve (flakiness). I, too, understand that other things sometimes come up, and I am particularly forgiving when it's something like a business trip. However, like your mom and and1grad said, when it happens with the same people on a regular basis, it's a selfish thing. Personally, I see it as them viewing their time as more important than mine and/or them finding something that is in their book, "better" to do, and I resent that. There are one or two friends who I do put up with this from because they are there for me in other ways or because there is just something going on in their lives that is creating this issue, and in these cases, I just make sure to invite them to group things, so that I'm not counting on them and left with nothing to do if they bail. However, with more casual friends, if this happens repeatedly, I can't take it, and I end up pulling away from the friendship.

[fuzmiq]

I have a friend like this. Let's just say she is not in my "top five." I have learned her ways and when we find time to do stuff. We do stuff. But I have since put my eggs into other baskets.

[wordsmith]

I agree with your mom. Nowadays, people seem way too "me first." Even more aggravating, for me, is that the selfishness of those people is starting to make me less accommodating and selfish as well.

What I've noticed about this, myself, is that it tends to breed reciprocity in me. If I have a friend who ALWAYS bails, without conciously setting out to, I mentally give myself a pass to bail on him/her. But a friend who is always dependable, I'm compelled to be there for, too.

[girlnextdoor]

well, i never heard a word from my friend. not even a text message to cancel at the last minute like usual.

Personally, I see it as them viewing their time as more important than mine and/or them finding something that is in their book, "better" to do, and I resent that.
this is exactly how i feel...and it also makes me feel as though i am unimportant in their eyes. and if i am, then it's like why be my friend in the first place?


and if it keeps happening...you might raise it with them.....and if it really keeps happening - find out smarter ways of dealing with them.


how would you go about doing this? i have always just stop talking to friends that stand me up, but now i'm left w/ so few that i don't have any friends left. i'd like to just tell her it's rude and totally uncool, but i probably won't be able to do it.

i think having soo many friends like this has made me just not even want to try to make other new friends. and now i've started having such low expectations for friendships that if they fall apart i won't be too disappointed.

[koolkat1980]

As you grow up...you'll realise that people are always coming into your life and out....;):

I think they are very 'inconsiderate' if they don't even text you to tell u they're not turning up! No courtesy whatsoever! How rude! :mad: I'd be very mad indeed! Perhaps tell them, to text u well in advance if they can't make it....but I bet u've already tried that! Right?

Or...if they are constantly late....tell them to turn up an hr or 1/2 hr before the actual time! If they are rude not to let you know in due course...they are very inconsiderate and you deserve better friends! Or you can....have a ball by yourself.....Like me...I used to 'rock' up to movies on my own. :cry: It's quite a common thing though.

I'd recommend you to join a volunteer group, sport group or something you are interested in and make new friends! Not only will you meet new people, you will learn new skills - there must be others out there who are more like you. Get to know yourself....find out what you like and what you don't like...and I'm sure you'll develop stronger skills that you didn't even know you had. Don't waste time on losers! Be a winner and leave the losers behind! Your too good for them and life's too short! It will take time......you need to be patient!

[MaryDunne]

Just drawing on some stuff I learned from Myers Briggs...

Some people really can't handle schedules and plans. They actually have different types of brains from other folks (schedule-oriented people like me, for example) and find it genuinely difficult to focus on anything except what is happening right now.

So, at the moment you say "Let's do lunch on Tuesday" they are into it and say yes and fully intend to be there. Then 10 minutes later they get a call from their dentist's office asking to reschedule their appointment for... you guessed it - 12:30pm on Tuesday. And they say yes to that too, completely forgetting that 10 minutes ago they made plans for that time. Then it's Tuesday, they realize what they have done, and since the dentist will charge them for a missed appointment but their friend will not, guess who gets canceled on.

You'd think the answer to this problem would be to consistently use a calendar, but of course, these people have difficulty with, you know, sticking to good habits and being organized.

As an organized person who meets her commitments, I find I can't stand these people and I don't cut them much slack. I think it's just part of being an adult to do what you say you will do. We all have to do it for our jobs.

Of course, this only a partial explanation for flaking. Some people are just rude and make multiple commitments so they can pick and choose on the night. Blegh.