Engagement Called Off??!!!

[robinhood2003]

Ok....I just recently posted a blog questioning whether I should relocate for my fiance? Most of you provided some excellent questions and comments, which I do so appreciate....however, I think now my relationship is turning for the worse....

...after almost 8 years together (anniversary on 2/28) and engaged since November (it's going on 3 months engaged and we set a date already and announced our engagement)....she now tells me that for a while now, she's unsure of even marrying me? She's felt that way for about year now since I haven't proposed then.....and since I was focused on my career, she's trying to jump start hers since she put it on hold.....at least that is what she tells me.....

...now she moves back home (at this point we have lived together in NY for those that don't know) in OH and she has been playing this yes, no, yes, no games about putting the engagement on hold, seeing other people, etc...

she's basically saying that while I've had g/fs in the past (before we started dating).....and she has never been with any other guy (I'm considered her first love b/f).....she wants to date other people to see if I'm THE ONE! (ALL THIS WHILE WEARING MY RING STILL?)......so I'm trying my best to hold on to anything that I so that we can make this work, but it doesn't look like it's working at all....I'm now coming to terms that this is over after almost 8 years.....and I bought her a ticket to come to Miami where I'm on my business trip......AND DURING V-DAY WEEKEND (also her b/day weekend too)......so she's 50/50 on marrying me, but what's to experience being with other people first........but knowing how heart-broken I am, I think I may try and make every effort to not talk or contact her (and I'm doing the boxing her stuff and putting it out of sight)....b/c I don't want to have anything to do with her (mind you she's giving my ring back if we do break up).....

....this is the third time that I was willing to try a long-distance relationship....but knowing the other two that I was in....I knew and predicted that this was going to happen......after this, I'm NEVER going to be in a LDR again, that's for sure......

....to be honest....after v-day....I don't think this will last past v-day weekend...which I'm trying to come to terms with....she's almost dead set on giving up this relationship.....

....I'm just heart-broken so ranting on like this may help........

....any thoughts....?

[winneythepooh7]

I don't know what to say, because nothing is probably going to be too helpful. I do recall your posts months ago that things were rocky with you both. As much as this sucks, I think it's best that you are finding it out now before things get anymore serious.


Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to be with anyone who was so on again/off again. She also does sound kind of selfish and immature from the way you describe her. Relationships are supposed to be about compromise and from the way you describe her, it seems like everything is always about her. Doesn't sound like she is ready to be settled down in a serious, engaged relationship.

I don't think it makes her a bad person for not knowing what she wants, just not a good candidate for a long-term married relationship with you right now.

[wordsmith]

She's not a bad person for not knowing what she wants. But she's a really shitty person to bring this up now, as opposed to before accepting your proposal of marriage. For eight years, it never hit her that she might want to test her wings a bit, but now, post accepting a ring, it's crystal clear? I would agree that that's a bad sign, and that you're not dealing with the most mature person, LDR or no LDR. She's had a really long time to decide if the relationship is for her or not, and coming at it in the 11th hour this way would really make me question her character.

[meatwad]

You should take the ring back now and tell her she can have it back if she ever gets her head out of her ass.

[sparky88]

I think the most important thing is to get the ring back, then let the cards fall as they may. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but really you do not deserve to be married to someone who is 50/50 sure they 'might' want to marry you. Seriously, you will thank yourself later that she spoke up and called it off now.

Sometimes, people just go full-speed ahead without listening to their hearts/doubts and end up in unhappy marriages. That will not be you. Count your lucky stars. Time will heal, I wish you the best!

[spiritedaway]

I may have confused you with someone else, but I think there may be more to this story.

Weren't you the one whom, some months ago, said that you weren't sure about your relationship with your g/f after almost 8 years (and haven't proposed, even though she's been waiting all this time?) And even after you've proposed, you seemed very ambivalent about moving to be with her even though it sounds like (from what you've said) that she's put her career on hold while she's waiting for you.

Judging from this, I'm not really sure who's selfish or not. On the one hand, it's very awful (and wrong) of her to accept the proposal when she's now not sure whether she wants to marry you. On the other hand, what's changed your mind in wanting to marry her now and not close the loop on the LDR thing? Do you know if she's the one for you?

Just a different perspective...

Good luck.

[Samwell]

To me this story brings to mind the "sunk cost fallacy".

The Sunk Cost Fallacy is an informal logical fallacy in which it is argued that the amount of time, effort, or money already invested in a project justifies the investment of yet more time, effort and money in order to complete the project.

This is a fallacy because the actual economic calculation which needs to be made is whether the project would be worth completing at the cost of the investment which still remains to be made.

8 years is a long time to be with somebody. How much of this hemming and hawing is attributable to the two of you not wanting to have "wasted" the last 8 years?

Personally, I would think long and hard before entering a marriage under this kind of dark cloud.

[robinhood2003]

....I appreciate all of your comments.....the last several days have been very hard.....however, the more I think about it.....the more I realize that there are better people out there and that maybe this is a good thing....I was with her for all of my 20's.......I'm glad that I focused on my career....

.....things can be alot worse off (i.e. kids involved, alimony...cheating)....so I should look at this as a positive thing.....sure I'll have my moments of weakness when I will miss her and love her....but maybe this is good......

....but most of all, I do appreciate everyone's comments.....

[serendipity2407]

I spent most of my twenties with the same man too (around 6 years). And although he was very keen to marry, a big part of me felt that I wasn’t ready and possibly that he isn’t the one. And I mostly stuck with it because I didn’t want to hurt him- (perhaps why your girlfriend accepted the ring) And often when we commit to something we know viscerally that we don’t want - it takes the step to actually bring it to the fore.

I tend to agree with your last post - at least its now and not post wedding, babies, white picket fences.

On the bright side - the sunk cost fallacy - is just that. My ex has moved on- (after a devastating break-up for both of us- I realized I wasn’t passionate about him, and he realized that he deserves a passionate love). He's happily engaged with baby on the way.

It all works out in the end - and being on the receiving end is difficult, but to play devils advocate- its also difficult being the person who accepted the ring and now wants to break it off. I don’t justify her behaviors, but I can certainly empathize. Either way - its hard for both of you.

[winneythepooh7]

I just think it's not cool that she let it get to the point where you bought her the ring and proposed. Maybe I am confusing you with someone else, but are you the same guy who a few months back wrote that she was harping on you to get engaged? And now this? Seriously not cool IMHO.

[robinhood2003]

I just think it's not cool that she let it get to the point where you bought her the ring and proposed. Maybe I am confusing you with someone else, but are you the same guy who a few months back wrote that she was harping on you to get engaged? And now this? Seriously not cool IMHO.

Hi Winney....yes, I did write months ago about how I was pressured into getting engaged....but after I accomplished by career goals, I knew she was the one that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life....and I WAS ready......but I guess since she waited for such a long time....she got sick of it....and b/c she is living a couple of states away...she's feeling the rush of independency and since she lost (alot) of weight....she feels that she wants to experience what else is out there.....I don't blame her for feeling doubtful...I'm just crushed that she said yes....she absolutely loves the ring.....and it's almost our 8 year anniversary (on 2/28).....so it's bad timing......

....but at this point.....I'm now feeling that EVEN if she wanted to be with me....I now have lingering questions and doubts that she will be with me....so why would I want that? I know there are plenty of other women out there...so I'm trying to take the high road....not argue and take it for what it is.......

[Bsig84]

Hi Winney....yes, I did write months ago about how I was pressured into getting engaged....but after I accomplished by career goals, I knew she was the one that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life....and I WAS ready......but I guess since she waited for such a long time....she got sick of it....and b/c she is living a couple of states away...she's feeling the rush of independency and since she lost (alot) of weight....she feels that she wants to experience what else is out there.....I don't blame her for feeling doubtful...I'm just crushed that she said yes....she absolutely loves the ring.....and it's almost our 8 year anniversary (on 2/28).....so it's bad timing......

....but at this point.....I'm now feeling that EVEN if she wanted to be with me....I now have lingering questions and doubts that she will be with me....so why would I want that? I know there are plenty of other women out there...so I'm trying to take the high road....not argue and take it for what it is.......

Ok thats really weird that she would pressure you to get married and then when she gets what she wants she is all of a sudden too scared. Thats not right. For her to do something like that to you is just cruel.

And if what you say about her wanting to see whats out there because she lost a lot of weight is true, that makes her a pretty shallow person.

[wordsmith]

"I don't wanna hurt you...so, sure, gimme the diamond, it'll be a LOT better when I break things off with you later," has gotta be one of the WORST ideas ever.