rant about poor social graces

[MaryDunne]

Argh.

So, about two months ago I joined this group (kind of like meetup.com) with a very clear policy about RSVPing, cancelling and no-shows. I thought this might be a way to connect with people who are actually willing to get up off the couch and DO THINGS and be social.

So far, I've encountered no-shows, lots of cancellations, some with really lame excuses (e.g. can't go to an evening event because friend is having a baby shower that day - day happens at a different time from night the last time I checked), creepy messages from creepy guys, etc etc etc. There are hundreds of members, maybe even a few thousand, but almost no one organizes any events. They just wait for someone else to organize something, then they sign up for it, only to bail later. What is the point of doing that?

I wonder sometimes how low my expectations of other human beings should go. I've got a kind of social burnout. I'm tired of being the one to propose activities and getting jerked around like this. Have I just got ridiculously old-fashioned ideas of good manners and friendship? Or is this how things work now - other people are just another entertainment option, and if you don't like tonight's episode, there's always something else on.

Remember big blackout of 2003 and most people coped by hanging out with their neighbours and watching the stars, and it was actually kind of fun? Why can't we have a similar kind of vibe all the time?

Funny, just about every online dating profile says "I love to try new things" and "I love meeting new people". But that is not what I see actually happening in society.

Rant over. Guess I'll go to the movies by myself tonight.

[Bocheezu]

I wonder sometimes how low my expectations of other human beings should go.

This is always a very dangerous question to ask...

[winneythepooh7]

I am going through similar frustrations with a social group I organize. What keeps me involved, is knowing that people often have a ton of things going on in their lives (self included) so I try not to take it personally when people can't attend things.

I also find that if 2-5 people attend something, that is considered in my book, a success.

I've actually checked out meetup.com recently. I signed up for 2 groups, and just actually left one, because I didn't like the attitude of the organizer of the group.

She was sending out these really borderline nasty messages complaining about people not going to stuff, not sending checks to secure a spot at their planned lunch/dinner/whatever outings, in fact her very first message to me that turned me off from the group was "post something more about yourself because I don't want weird freaks in the group".

This was AFTER I wrote out my background info (first name, where I live, age, what I do for a living, and what I was looking to get out of the group).

What she wrote to me was definitely to me, extremely poor taste, and honestly, it's no wonder people don't go to stuff she plans.

You also need to start out small with these things sometimes. If people aren't responding to get togethers that require a financial deposit, do something simpler, like meeting up at Starbucks on a Saturday afternoon.

Another women's social group I belong to, also doesn't approve anyone to be a member of the group, until 2 people have gone out together to meet the person, so they have actual proof that the person is who they say they are. This tends to keep the "freaks' and the guys who are just looking to get laid away!!

[PenforPrez]

I'm having a similar problem with the Meetup group I'm in. The organizers are saying they can't do events because they're so insanely busy. I call up the main organizer (who is a good friend of mine), and she says: "Oh sorry, I don't have time to talk." :googly: So I feel the same frustration.

Paul

[wordsmith]

I've found that it's nearly impossible to get more than a few people together at once, anyway.

[pisces2473]

To the OP: That's so annoying. I'm sorry. People are rude.

I still haven't received a TY note from a family member who got married the weekend before me. I sent them a gift b/c we couldn't go. They didn't come to ours either, and didn't send a gift. I'm trying not to care about the no gift thing...but what I care MORE about is the fact that they didn't even effing acknowledge that we spent about $75 on a gift RIGHT BEFORE OUR OWN WEDDING WHEN WE HAD OUR OWN EXPENSES!?!?!?!

Friends of mine also could come to my wedding, take the time off of work/from their own busy lives, spend $$ on gas, hotel rooms, gifts...but can't keep in touch? Even when I initiate it? Even on something as easy as Myspace? I don't get it.

See? People are just rude.

[winneythepooh7]

I haven't sent my thank you's out either, but that's because of all the damn drama I've been having with the photographer. I want to send out thank you's with our pics. I've told a lot of people about this though, and to not take it personally. Besides, technically you have a year ;).

[pisces2473]

I haven't sent my thank you's out either, but that's because of all the damn drama I've been having with the photographer. I want to send out thank you's with our pics. I've told a lot of people about this though, and to not take it personally. Besides, technically you have a year ;).
Still no pics yet???? Ouch.

Actually, I've only heard the year rule for sending gifts...not sending thank you notes. You should acknowledge a gift as soon as it's received. Oddly enough, we just got a gift on Thursday.

Oh, and another rude thing...my husband and I went to do laundry this AM at our complex's laundry room. There was a woman in there...he said "good morning" to her. She just looked at us. We were speaking English...it was like, oooohhhhhkay there. The same thing often happens to me at work. I say good morning or whatever to someone and they just ignore me. I don't have a quiet voice, either.

[winneythepooh7]

I personally wouldn't wait a year to send out thank you's, but do know people who have. Honestly, the past few weddings I went to, it was about 5-6 months before thank you's were sent. Mostly contributed to the same reason (waiting for the pictures). ETA: Again, I agree with you and it's not like I am delibrately not sending them out. I am also planning to put some kind of apology in the card for taking so long.

People are similar in our building to the lady in your laundry room. Fortunately, mostly everyone at my new job who I have met so far are pretty friendly.

[wordsmith]

I'm pretty sure the official line on etiquette is that you have a year to give a wedding present, and the couple has a year to send out thank yous, like Winney said.

[wordsmith]

Oh, and another rude thing...my husband and I went to do laundry this AM at our complex's laundry room. There was a woman in there...he said "good morning" to her. She just looked at us. We were speaking English...it was like, oooohhhhhkay there. The same thing often happens to me at work. I say good morning or whatever to someone and they just ignore me. I don't have a quiet voice, either.

I've noticed that this really varies. On the bus I ride in the morning, I have one driver who's sometimes on the route who is very good about saying good morning, either initiating, or responding when I say it, and another driver who's sometimes on who stonewalls me. The same thing for the doormen in the building I work in. One is extremely personable, and always makes a cordial comment when you come in and when you leave, and another who's sometimes on shift who barely even looks up.

When I lived in a smaller town, people were generally much better about standard greetings/small talk.

[winneythepooh7]

My mother said we still have gotten a few gifts mailed to her house.

Pisces, do you think maybe you are just annoyed with this one particular couple because they didn't give you guys anything/acknowledge your wedding, and you did theirs? I can certainly understand that because I've been in that situation!

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt with thank you's, given my own situation. However, my mom has suggested that if this drags out another month I should forget the pics and just send regular thank you cards.

She has a few friends who are "older" who have also said something about not getting a thank you. Oh well:rolleyes: . Again, not delibrate.

I had two showers and those thank you's were out within a week after the shower.

[pisces2473]

Pisces, do you think maybe you are just annoyed with this one particular couple because they didn't give you guys anything/acknowledge your wedding, and you did theirs? I can certainly understand that because I've been in that situation!
I forgot to mention before that we got a Christmas card from them...actually TWO, both received on the same day. It's like, did they forget that they already made one out to us?? LOL So they can do Xmas cards but no TYs? And the Xmas cards had wedding pics of them on the cover.

I'm also annoyed that OLD OLD OLD friends of my husband's family haven't said/done anything to acknowledge our wedding, either. I know, this makes me seem gift-greedy but I'm really just annoyed as he doesn't have a lot of family/friends and no one can really acknowledge our big day?

[MaryDunne]

Not to be toooo snarky, but perhaps a separate thread on weddings and thank-you notes?

I'm still in a funk on the theme of my original post. I can see how some people do lead genuinely busy lives - some of the time - but I frankly don't buy that everyone is insanely busy all the time, year in, year out. If that were true, they wouldn't have time to:

1) surf the internet
2) watch TV
3) wander through shopping malls buying crap they don't need

which is what millions of people do every day.

I'm just p!ssed at society at the moment. I feel like I can't be bothered any more, making an effort to connect socially. :mad:

[winneythepooh7]

Not to be toooo snarky, but perhaps a separate thread on weddings and thank-you notes?

:mad:

I didn't really see this thread being all about weddings. I don't understand why certain posters get so bitter if someone posts something that is in fact related to the original topic.

[wordsmith]

It's all manners/social graces, anyway.

[winneythepooh7]

Speaking of which, my husband called me a little while ago to say that my wedding proofs FINALLY came! Yay!!!

[MaryDunne]

If my friend wants to talk for hours every week about how some guy never called her after a date, how many hours do I have to listen for? Does that entitle me to the same number of hours of whingeing when some guy doesn't call me?

How do I strike the right note with a friend who wants me to agree that her husband is very handsome, without making her fear that I might try to steal him from her? Does it make a difference if I think her husband is kind of a toad? Can I just tell her that I think he is a toad?

How much should one spend on a wedding gift if one is also forking over to be a bridesmaid? Does it make a difference if the bridesmaid dress is really ugly? And if I have to travel?

If a friend expresses regret when her sister-in-law becomes pregnant because she fears it will forever bind her brother to a bad relationship, is it inappropriate to assume the friend will feel relief when the sister-in-law later miscarries?

When your friend is working long hours with long commutes and hardly getting any sleep, all just because his wife prefers not to work, should I pretend that he's got a great marriage and that I'd really like to be married someday too?

[MaryDunne]

If I find it a huge hassle to do the courteous thing or I can't do the courteous thing exactly the way I want to, I can just blow it off, right? But everyone still has to be super-courteous with me, right? I get a free pass on this whole etiquette deal, don't I?