my first post

[haley]

Hello. This is my first post, and I will write with proper caps.

Here's my quarterlife crisis.

I'm 22. In March 2000, I stopped going to Nursing school because I was depressed. I couldn't study, eat, do anything because of it. I didn't want to go to school for Nursing anyway. But it was something I had to do because of money - I had none of it. And I was in a hurry to finish school because my dad didn't want to keep spending for me after spending for 4 other kids - I'm the baby. I could only afford to go to my city college. And Nursing seemed to be the most convenient, most reasonable way.

Only that Nursing is not for me. I love to take care of people, to see people get better. But I couldn't deal with it completely. Lately, I've realized I'm a very free-spirited person, an artist, and that I really work well when stress is relatively low, when the job is fun and rewarding.

Alas, most jobs aren't like that. It's so hard to get an office job because I don't have a degree. I can't get a degree because I have no money and because my mom won't sign the financial aid forms. I want to get a stable job. I want a job that challenges me. But because I don't have a degree, I can't get any of those jobs.

I'm currently awaiting a response from a financial management company. The position I applied for was entry-level. It's for a financial analyst. (!!!) I want to major in economics when I can afford it, but I can't go now. So this opportunity seemed perfect - if only I was guaranteed to get it. ($25,000-$35,000/year)

I've been single for almost 6 years now. It doesn't really help. People always tell me that I should use this time to learn about myself. Sometimes I feel like I've maxed out my time alone - I've used to its potential. And now, I'm just kind of withering away in singleness.

I recently found out that an old friend from elementary school is starting to go to medical school. She's engaged (or married). And she's 21. My other friend is 23 and has her own graphic design company that's "stable." She lives in a beautiful house with her professional-skateboard-photographer boyfriend, 27.

I've been looking all day for jobs online. I remember seeing this book and seeing a website, so I logged on and now I have someplace where its appropriate to talk about these things.

I'm joining the Army because of the money. I'm set to leave on the 6th of June. I can back out, but I won't unless something changes in my career or relationships. I don't want to go to the Army, but I don't want to waste another 5 years waiting for a job, waiting for a girl. I enlisted in January and made a deal with myself to seriously try to write music and perform. I've been doing that. But writing honest songs is kinda hard and slow. I don't think 5 months is enough time.

I'm estranged from most of my family. My friend recently moved in with me. One time she and her date made out in the next room (small aparment, it is) and that depressed me.

I don't know what I CAN do. I know I want to write and perform music and use that to connect to people. I know I want to go to school to study economics, English, and photography. I know I want to involve myself in fashion and wedding photography. I know I'm talented with many things, passionate about my interests, intelligent and capable. But - now what? You can only go so far, and without money, what's the point? I can be the best at everything, but if no one notices, where CAN I go?:(

anxious, waiting, & ready to pee,
haley

[Unregistered]

Haley,
I thought I'd reply given that no-one else has. Seems to me you're struggling with the sense that there's so much out there that you could be/should be doing you've almost become disabled by the sheer choice and the fear that you may make mistakes.

I may be getting this wrong, but if you're feeling anything like what I've described I know how it feels. I went through something similar and am now happily coming to the end of my treatment. When I first had a breakdown I was stricken with this feeling that I wasn't getting anywhere and I was running out of time. And then, there are always those friends, as you've described, that seem to have it all when you feel like you have nothing.

Well, I doubt I can offer you the pearl of wisdom that will act as a magic wand and change it all however, I think you should take comfort in just how far you've come on your own. Yes, your friends may have seemingly perfect relationships and you probably feel very lonely but you're going to cope with this by yourself and then when you find your path and the man of your dreams you'll enter into the realtionship with a far stronger sense of self and direction than any of your friends who have married young.

When I was really ill I felt terribly isolated as I was single. I still am single, but now I feel so much more strong as a person because I can admit my vulnerability and also demonstrate that I've fought a difficult battle alone and will therefore go into my next relationship having dealt with my baggage.

I think you need to flip your perspective - your glass isn't half empty it's half full and you obviously have more courage than you give yourself credit for as you clearly have the determination to succeed and not make do. Lose the fear that you may make the wrong choices - we all have to do that to find our path. Keep going for it and trying new things - as a general rule it's better to regret what you've done rather than wonder "what if".

Just be true to yourself, have the courage of your own convictions and don't compare yourself too closely too others. As you probably know, people can cleverly appear very happy on the outside but there can be all sorts of turmoil within.

Chin up. Onwards and upwards
Jay x