Friendless and Alone, possibly ready to pack it up and move out of state

[sleepygilmore]

Hi, I'm new, never posted before.

My dilemma?

Slowly but surely, after I graduated from college, all of my friends have either stopped calling or moved on, even with effort on my part to continue the relationship.

I have a good job, but I'm not entirely committed to it, and every day that passes, the feeling of having nothing left here grows.

I've tried many things to meet new people, but nothing seems to be working.

At this point, I'm ready to pack it up and see if I can find new friendships in other states.

Part of the things contributing to my not meeting new people are:

I live at home with my parents to try and save some money
I live an hour away from where I work, so I'm commuting 2 hours a day to make my living.

My question to you, QLC message boards and the great abyss, is this:

Those of you that have moved out of your home state, after never really living anywhere else and may have had emotional issues with change, how did you do it? What made you decide to pick up and leave? How did things work out in the new place you live?

And to everyone else:

How have you found success in meeting new people in your life?

I thank you sincerely for any advice or life experience you can share with me. At this point, I'm getting more desperate by the day.

Sincerely,

Sleepy Gilmore; Denver, CO

[winneythepooh7]

First off, welcome to the boards.

Secondly, meeting people and maintaining friendships post-college is a struggle for many people. I think it's because we actually have to make more of an effort, often "forcing" ourselves to go out and do things.

Have you considered joining social groups maybe through Craigslist or Meetup.com, or starting your own?

[Deni81]

Just make sure you aren't moving in hopes that your life will suddenly get better. I second the craigslist and meetup sugestions.

[shadeofgreen]

I've never uprooted my life and moved to a new place where I didn't already know anyone. I've thought about it many times, and still do.

I explained to someone once why I wanted to move somewhere brand new, which was, in part, because I have no real friends here. Casual acquaintances, sure, but no one I can call up to hang out on a Saturday night and no one I can really talk to when I just need a friend to listen. Essentially, I just haven't connected with anyone on more than a superficial level since college. In response, he asked me what I thought I would do differently elsewhere that I couldn't do here. I didn't have a good answer. Even if I move halfway across the globe I'm not going to become an outgoing, lively person. It's probably always going to be difficult for me to make friends just because of who I am.

On the other hand, some cities have more social opportunities than others, and there is a certain appeal to a change of scenery and a fresh start, especially if you are currently living in the town where you grew up. It can definitely become stale, I think.

[hillbillysurf]

I uprooted my life 1000 miles a month after I graduated, from KY to FL. I left behind family, good friends, a girlfriend. When I walked out to my parked car and drove off, it was the most liberating/nauseating feeling I ever had. I left for a fresh perspective of life, and to see what new opportunities would bring.

It was tough starting new relationships, especially because the ones I had were so solid before I left. I had friends that were basically brothers or sisters because we knew each other since we were 10 yrs old.

The first friend I made shared an office with me for my first few weeks of employment. We started on the same day and it went from there. It slowly snowballed. A few months later, I had a small group of friends, and presently (9 months later) I have a pool of interconnections with friends, etc. I have a hard time keeping free time for myself to go surfing because of invitations for all sorts of things.

My point is this: There are plenty of young people who move across the country for a variety of reasons. Honestly, most of my friends are people just like me who moved in from all over the country, who didn't know a soul the day they moved here. With all these different people, staying open minded to new experiences was key. It seems like each person contributes to the melting pot with some activity or fun idea.

My biggest suggestion would be to go somewhere you know one person who relocated somewhere, maybe well enough to help you find a place in a good neighborhood, maybe even a roommate or a job. Good Luck, it gets easier every day!

[E11e]

Through high school and college, I DREAMED everyday of picking up and moving across the country to a brand new start where I could meet all new people, be completely on my own, and have a great adventure. I also had in my mind that if I moved really far away I would leave all my problems behind and would become a completely new person (I didn't realize this was part of my expectations until looking back on it now). In my dreams every day was sunny, I was outgoing, and I would easily find friends my age. I mostly longed for the FREE feeling.

I did end up moving across the country at the end of college and my bf came with me. And, surprise surprise, I'm still the same person! I had to find a job, HATED my first job, had a hard time finding friends....life is basically the same as if I hadn't moved.

In college I had the opportunity to move halfway across the country for an internship for the summer. Now THAT was a FREE feeling! I would highly recommend going on some kind of finite length trip or internship. I didn't know anyone, but there was a big group of interns my age, got to explore a new town, be far far away from everyone I knew and my family, have no obligations, basically could do whatever I wanted in my free time. It was a lot more fun because I knew that at the end of the summer I would go back to all my old friends and the place I was comfortable in.

[stephly21]

Soon after college my fiance and I left and moved all the way across the country. I had always wanted to move away and try something new. I had never lived anywhere else but close to home. I studied abroad for one semester of college but that was different because I knew I was coming home.

When I moved out to my new state it took be about 1 year to get used to the change. I was very homesick, missed my parents, my friends, and just the familiarity of my old state. Now that I have been here for 1 1/2 yrs I am very happy I made this move. I have grown up sooo much.

To answer your questions: I am just now finding some new friends to hang out with. It takes a bit. I have made some friends through work, and others through our friend who moved out here before us. I think it was and has been a lot easier because I moved out with my fiance though.

Maybe you could get a temporary job in another city and find a room for let for a couple months and see how that works for you at first. Whatever you do give this some major consideration about where you might want to move. I would go and check it out too, and make sure there are enough jobs and places to stay that are in your budget.

[Justine30]

i was in the same position as you. i had lived in philly my entire life and my best friend (my twin sister) had gotten married and moved away with her husband. 3 years after she moved i was bored at my job, hated my apt, had no real friends (most of them had gotten married/had kids and we lost touch), and my boyfriend of 2 years had broken up with me. i didnt feel like i had anything to lose so i moved to sc to where my twin sister lived. she is the only one i knew in the state and i would never recommend moving to a state where you dont know a sole. i am at times lonely even with my sister here. you dont realize how important even just acquaintences are. the biggest thing i learned was that your problems/issues follow you. i am the same person here and i realize how HARD it is to move so far from home. so not only do i still not have friends and now have to start a new job, i am homesick! but that being said...i think it is a great learning experience. even if i end up going back home i know that this has given me character and it made me realize you find a way to make things work even when times are tough. i definitely wouldnt say move away if you are unhappy with your life b/c you will have the same and possibly a whole new set of problems after you move. there are other ways to go about being happy and changing your life! and if you do move, make sure you know someone in the new place. and preferably have a job there first. i moved unemployed and that was the scariest thing i ever did!!! ok, good luck with your decision!

[RockAngel]

Hi there!

I feel the same way. For the past few months, I've had a moment every day when I say to myself, "I should just move here...I should just move there." That's when I feel that leaving everything behind would be the answer/solution to all of my "problems." (Lack of a busy social life, no boyfriend, job sucks, don't know what I want, etc.). And, damn, the thought of starting all over again is very tempting and SEEMS to be the only thing that will help me...but then my common sense sinks in.

As a few people mentioned above, your problems/feelings will still be with you. I realize this concept even though I haven't even "made the move." I'm dealing with some emotional shit, and I KNOW that I need to get my own shit together (internally) before I can make any drastic changes in my life. I just got back from a cruise the other day - it was fun, but I was still feeling shitty inside. The change of scenery helped, but it was just a temporary solution. After this trip, I realized that I SERIOUSLY need to work on myself, how I feel about certain things, and deal with it in a way that is good for me. I think that once that happens, and once I'm CONTENT with myself and my current status in life, then everything else will eventually fall into place. That's what I'm hoping for anyway....

Hope this helps!

[Fender247]

I like to move around and experience different places. I went to school really far away from home and usually spent summers away and tie after college as well. I didn't move to get away from problems but more because I'm a curious person and maybe I'd find something that I'd be passionate about, that I wouldn't have discovered if I just lived in my hometown or near where I grew up. Most friends I've made (some who I still talk to) were coworkers, fellow classmates (when I was an exchange student), roommates (most who I didn't know previously). So I guess I had some good luck but I am pretty easy going and get along with pretty much anyone. I also got rid of certain barriers. I didn't not hang out with anyone because they were too old or too young. I also have had many hobbies and interests in my life, some have stuck and some I dont' really do anymore but it helps to say when you meet someone, "oh, I used to do that." Even though it might have been 5 years ago but it still something in common...

[Jedi of Zen]

When I was 19 I moved from Alabama to Minnesota, having only visited the former once for 2 weeks. I was in a bit of a messy, long-distance relationship, and outside of my girlfriend's family (who lived there), I didn't know a single soul.

Within about 3-4 months or so of me moving there, my girlfriend (who I thought I was destined to be with forever) and I broke up. Within a year, I dropped out of the college that I was attending (my grades weren't so hot anyway) and went to work a minimum wage job full-time. I worked my way into a supervisory position, and eventually did a few other second jobs as well.

At the time, I was young, and I learned a LOT about life. I had some good, memorable experiences along the way. However, I was also extremely lonely, esp after breaking up with my gf. I think being as young as I was, being as poor as I was, and having absolutely no friends or family to speak of within driving distance all eventually began to take its toll, and within less than 2 years of having moved there, I began to acquire a substance abuse problem. Things got pretty bleak at one point, and eventually I decided to moveback to a city where I'd lived before, which was also where one of my siblings lived, and was only about 2 hours away from my parents. That ultimately gave me a lot more security, and really helped facilitate me kicking the drugs.

I felt so stupid and ashamed having to admit to myself that I wasn't able to make it on my own. I made a lot of serious mistakes, but I also learned a lot of things that I probably would NEVER have learned otherwise. I'm not saying I would never again consider moving to a city where I knew no one (actually I may be doing just that again in about a year - long story) but I would definitely do a few things different next time:

1. Visit the place beforehand if possible.
2. Do as much research as you can about the place (jobs, cost of living, attractions, etc.)
3. Try to get more involved with church or a spiritual group if that's your thing, or some kind of social hobby or outlet, even if you don't know anyone there. (Which can be hard to do sometimes, admittedly.)

Just my own thoughts. I could probably go into a lot more detail on this if you wanted to hear about it, so feel free to PM me if you care to discuss any further. Hope this helps!

[Xgraduatex]

Im' in the same place you are really.

- i dunno what my dysfunction is really because i'm an insanely social person and I love talking to people(well people I like, i'm in customer service and i hate this sh*t) but i digress.

The college friends were mostly international students, so if i ever want to visit sri lanka, norway, angola, germany or brazil, i have free places to stay but as for here i'm mostly alone. There are almost all new people at my school so i cant even really hang out with anyone there. i DID have friends at my job, but i dunno what happened, there was a falling out with one, the other is getting married so doesnt go out that much, the other is a big ol' nature hiking lesbo and the other is a super bitch so we dont all hang out as much nemore.

this past weekend, i laid in bed and stared at the cieling. I'm originally from philly, so the only thing i could think of was to go back home and live with grandmom(but thas not going to work).

I wish i had a solution, but I feel just as alone as you do.

Wake, Work, Gym, Sleep. Tonight i'm going to get a martini, all alone because i have no friends. Sometimes i guess you just have to be happy being alone before you can be happy being with people. Be happy with yourself until they come along.

sounds sad doesnt it:cry:

[lostnotyetfound]

I have never done what you are contemplating but I have considered it many times. I think sometimes it takes a drastic change to improve your life. But you have to be realistic about the fact that it will not fix your problems. You will be the same person there as you are here and you will have to make an effort once you get to your new destination to put yourself out there and make friends etc... But I say go for it, what have you got to lose? If you hate it and it doesn't work out, you can always come back. At least then you will know, instead of sitting around wondering.

[SmilesSoSweet]

My question to you, QLC message boards and the great abyss, is this:

Those of you that have moved out of your home state, after never really living anywhere else and may have had emotional issues with change, how did you do it? What made you decide to pick up and leave? How did things work out in the new place you live?

Before I moved to Arizona, I spent a good year researching on where I wanted to move to. It was either Phoenix or somewhere in the Pacific Northwest (since my sister had done the out of state move up there a couple years prior). CA was getting way too expensive and nothing was holding me back to stay there. (I didn't have any kids, husband/boyfriend, etc. from making my decision to leave any tougher than it was.) I also had lived in Southern CA since I was 4. Other than studying abroad in college, I really didn't know of any other place as home.

I had interviewed with a company in CA that had an office in AZ. When I interviewed I told them that I was looking to move to AZ and that's how I got the job. They even paid for my relocation.

The first few months of moving here was great (at least that's what I thought). Things were going well. I found a church that I felt comfortabel going to. I met a few friends from there. Then months later stuff just hit the fan. My issues and problems that I thought I could just leave behind in CA followed me to AZ. So I finally sought help.

Now fast forward to three years later (I still can't believe I've lived here for three years now), I'm still seeking help on my issues (depression, eating disorder, etc.) and other than being recently laid off (the job that paid for my moved close its AZ office) things have been going well for the most part.

[wordsmith]

I've never uprooted my life and moved to a new place where I didn't already know anyone. I've thought about it many times, and still do.


I did this twice in my life - once when I was 18 years old, and starting college...went out of state, somewhere I'd never really been, and knew not a soul.

Then, I did it again after I graduated. And, when I moved to the state I currently live in, I did so really only knowing my boyfriend, there.

Ironically, I found it easier to meet people and find friends when I did this the first two times around (when I was 18, and then 22). Being back in that same boat at 31, I've noticed that people tend to not make as much time for connecting with new friends...their lives are more set, they're less randomly social, they have their established patterns and whatnot. So it takes longer to connect with people. Also, when you're in your early twenties, there are a lot of people in the same boat as you...new to a place, looking to meet new people...than there are a decade later.

[Depressed11]

I didn't keep in touch with my friends after college either. Part of that was that I was always closer to my H.S. friends - most of which were now moving out of state to bigger cities. One of them half-jokingly asked if I wanted to crash on his couch to help him save on rent and I thought "why not?" I didn't have a "real" job anyway.

Since I am a not especially outgoing introvert, I consider it mostly luck that I met my current best friends in my new city; made some conversation with someone at my company on the train, and he asked if I wanted to get a beer one day after work. I don't think I ever would've asked a guy that after knowing him a couple days out of fear that "I might sound gay/desperate".

Not really sure that I have a point. I do agree w/ whoever said not to move for the sake of moving. While never having been to Denver, it seems like a nice place that is neither a wasteland for jobs (eg Upstate NY) or ridiculous cost of living (eg NYC).
Having a job and a place to live are huge steps towards a satisfying life. I frankly don't see why you wouldn't consider getting your own place in your current city - saving on rent can't be that crucial if you are considering moving out of state and you have a "good job" (even if it's not something you love, get in line).

[mahlerssecond]

I want to take another view of this. I just started a new job last week where there are tons of young people. I have noticed at break time that many people will talk on their cell phones instead of interacting with their co-workers. I think that with electronic media and the ease of communication people don't break out of their circles that they held since college, high school and before since it is easier to stay in touch. I also don't think that social networking sites help with this issue.
I would say to join a church, take up a hobby, or volunteer, something interactive. You may not meet people our age, but you will find some nice, kind and social people.

[allneonlike]

2 weeks after I graduated from college I took a job in a country that I couldn't find on a map. I wound up staying for years and have developed friendships that will surely be lifelong ones, better than the ones I developed in college. I say go for it. I'm actually planning on doing it again soon, but this time I can find the country on the map...good ol' Canada.

[LeeLeeGirl]

Is a big committment, and a life changing event that in my opinion, shouldn't be motivated by lack of friendships. I'm not disagreeing with you that the lack of friendships is well, not fun, but it shouldn't be a driving force to move you somewhere new, or to keep you somewhere old. Not to mention, if you're out of college and into the working world, meeting new people is not as easy as it seems.

I moved last summer because I have half my family down south, my job was going bust up north, and essentially...I had nothing holding me back from something that I felt was a really good opportunity. I had hoped to make a good social life for myself. I had hoped to find friends and save up money and move out on my own and all of that...but it wasn't my push either. I've met a few good people through work and other introductions. I have a decent job, and I'm still saving money to move out on my own. And I'm personally really happy I'm still here. But everyone is different.

You have to be willing to accept that it's not going to happen overnight. That a social life and a new pack of friends aren't just going to pop up like daisies. You'll have to be willing to put yourself out there and make a life for yourself first. And then maybe you'll meet people along the way.

My very last bit of advice is... be happy with who you are. Enjoy spending time with yourself. If you can feel happy, content, satisfied, all of that simply by being alone...then the rest will happen when it's supposed to.

Good Luck!

[Phoenix212]

In many cases, I agree. However, it partly depends on why someone doesn't have enough friends. If the problem can be solved by just going out and meeting new people, that can be done without moving to another state. OTOH, sometimes the kinds of people one is compatible with are clustered in specific places.

In my case, several years ago, I moved out of the metropolitan area where I'd lived since before high school. A large part of the reason was that people I felt compatible with - usually non-conformist achievers - tended not to stick around. (For clarity, "achievers" could include the arts, blue collar careers, or other unconventional careers.) High school actually worked out because people like me were still around. But they tended to leave the area for university and not return afterwards. Even the ones who stuck around for university tended to leave shortly thereafter. What's more, when people like me moved to the city where I lived, they tended not to stick around for more than a few months. Compounding the problem, social pressure to buy a condo or house, find a long-term relationship leading to marriage and basically stop living was starting to add up. Sorry, but I enjoy living too much. Needless to say, life got lonely. More to the point, I realized that the loneliness wasn't going to improve.

Interestingly, like XgraduateX, a lot of my friends earlier in life were originally from other countries. Immigrants were in the same boat as I was - not fully accepted by society, but nonetheless determined to succeed.

Nor was this the only reason for moving on. Despite years of trying, it wasn't possible to get jobs which would move my career forward. Not in the area, and not elsewhere because out-of-state applicants were categorically ignored. After years in a job that wasn't moving my career forward and wasn't a good fit, the only way out seemed to be to just show up somewhere that had opportunities that could move my career forward and start seeking out those opportunities.

As to your moving because your job was going bad - It's amazing how when circumstances force you to make a change, you find a way, right? Whatever barriers were holding you back, necessity helps you go over or around them.

Everyone who said you're not going to change just because you're in a new environment is right on the money. In my case, the environment actually was part of the problem, and moving enabled really basic things like career opportunities. But whatever part of the problem is you has to be changed, and that takes time. For example, I was basically a loner from age 20 until moving, and it's taken a long time to gradually learn to open up again.

[roulettefanatic]

this week when things got a little hectic, i thought about moving across country (since i like it out West) but then the common sense struck me as i realized i already have an anxiety problem, all of my family and a couple of distant friends are all here and i've been here all of my life (went to college here and everything).....added to that is the fact that my grandmother is not getting any younger and i'm still really close to some family members that i see almost weekly and on the holidays.....i do have this one friend who literally packed it up and went to college out of state than graduate school even farther away so he had no concerns whatsoever about leaving the place we called home for so long....but i realize i'm not like him (even now for the summer he's running around; in fact, i don't even know where he is right now, lol) because i need the close family support and if i move anywhere more than 2-3 hours away, i forfeit that security blanket of sorts....what i'm more frustrated about right now than anything is the fact that i really can't afford a decent apartment in my area, never mind a down payment on property or a condo.....i have to think of something to do financially (either find a better job or start a business).....

[volkan]

hey!!stay calm..i am friendless and i am very alone like you, but i have a dream..i will be a big man in the future and i am studying for that.where are you going?always,a real friend is better than normal friends..only become aware to your real friend..you must have a real friend..every people have a real friend and call him/her..you will be happy..

[LAChargerJay]

Go back to your community college and take the classes you absolutely would take if money didn't matter in the world to you. At the very least you will find personal fulfillment and meet some very cool and like minded people in those classes. It's worked for me so far!

[LaneyV]

I've packed up and moved to another conuntry once - did not know a soul there, just knew the language. And whilst in there, I've moved to a new city twice. The first time I had met my landlady once before, and the second time I knew no-one.
I am planning to do the re-location again next summer due to University - at that point I hopefully have had one year of part-time study behind me so will know both the city and some people.
After graduation, it's likely I will move again to hopefully do a PhD, possibly to a new country. All depends what life will throw me in the next two years :) .

I guess this is because I have a bit of a nomadic tendency in me - I like new places and new adventures in life. I like meeting new people and having a certain freedom in life.

For me, the trick is to think about activities that you like, and research beforehand. Before I moved on to any of the new cities, I had e-mailed a sports team, evening classes or a social group that I was interested in, and found about about their socials. That way, I always had something lined up for my arrival, something to look forward to.

I've also gotten involved in volunteering in each city, which has opened up new horizons for me.

The issue there is obviously the fact that any feelings of loneliness can seriously intensify if you're in a new place. You can feel lost and confused, to say the least - it is important to keep some networks going to your loved ones.
However, paking up and moving on also gives you a chance to re-discover yourself, and to be yourself. All too often you end up stuck in a certain frame of mind in one city - new places help to 'unclog' my head, in a way.