Roomate broke up with her bf...

[Empressallie]

My roommate recently broke up with her bf of about 6 months. Since the first week they began dating she has completely ignored our friendship. Since we are roommates as well it made it even more hurtful. She was completely involved with her new relationship and that was all that mattered.

I heard through the grapevine that they broke up last week. She has yet to mention this to me despite her now being around our apartment and no longer wrapped up with him. She is also in very high spirits, oddly enough, for someone who just got out of a relationship. She even made dinner reservations tonight with her, me, and another friend she has been ignoring.

I am not sure how to handle it. I mean, she isn't a bad person, but the friendship has been severely damaged. Now I know where her priorities lie (and relationships are important and time consuming, but this was off the deep end) and that she only wants my friendship when its convenient for her, or when nothing else is going on.

I have to say something...but what? and how?

[koolkat1980]

Hi there,

This girl sounds selfish and annoying! You know what? Although she appears to be in 'high spirits' and in a good mood - it's far from the truth! Behind her cool exterior she's panicking, and this is the reason why she's arranged dinner with you and some others that she was previously ignoring! She's trying hard to get her mind of her ex and distract herself...which makes sense!

If I were you, I'd try and show abit of empathy and compassion even though she's annoying as! Give her a chance. As you get to know her better, you might both become good friends who confide in each other. If you REALLY need to say something; she's more likely to listen to you once you both trust one another.

Previously when she was with her BF, she was probably unaware of how RUDE and exclusive she was! (This is a sign that she's not the most socially considerate person and she still has a lot to learn about herself and others! She sounds a bit young and socially inept!)

I'd say, go out to dinner with her and have fun, get to know her better. You never know, she might become a good ally in future. Give her the benefit of the doubt the first few times....if she keeps only using you for her own needs in future - you'll know what to do! (Be gentle!) :)

[sondra_finchley]

She could also be embarassed at 1) the relationship ending for which she put so much time and effort into, and the detriment to your relationship and 2) wants to mend fences, but isnt ready to tell you yet that the relationship died. Did she bring it up at dinner? Would you be willing to explain to her how hurt you were over that time period when she ignored you for this guy (when she is ready to speak about it)? If shes indifferent when you explain that then I think your answer is there but if not then you could have a chance to patch this up.

[Empressallie]

I do have to clarify that her and I were basically best friends for an entire year, co workers at one point along with roomates, before she decided to toss her friends for a guy she had just met. I know her, I know her well, and cannot say I was totally surprised at her behavior, I just thought it would subside after a few weeks/months together, but it extended much longer than I could have realistically predicted. And it was to the point where she did not even say hello and goodbye to me at the apartment, my existence was that irrelevant.

So we went to dinner last night. My other friend and I have been annoyed and hurt, but were prepared to support her in her breakup should she appear to need or want it. You do have to cut people some slack sometimes, as we all make mistakes. Doesnt change how it hurt, but it helps with understanding I guess. Anyway, so nothing came up about it through dinner and dessert came and I was like, ok, I have to say something. So I was like, "What happend to (name)? I haven't seen him around in like 5 days." She was like, oh we broke up, it's mutual, and I'm fine. She elaborated a bit and I found out that things were pretty bad the last couple of months and they fought a lot, which I had NO idea about. I asked if either if them felt suffocated (it was seriously EVERY night) and she said no (how is that possible?) She seems really happy, but like stated before, it could be a cover for not wanting to reveal she had ditched quality friends for a not so quality relationship. My other friend did mention to her that she had not been around for the past 6 months, which my roomate didnt contest, but at the same time did not apologize for.

So I guess things are heading back to normal, and some good came of it since during that 6 month absence of hers I became closer friends with the other girl who is an amazing friend, but I think it will take some time to get back to a certain level of closeness with her. I just don't feel comfortable sharing intimate details of my life with someone who disappears and resurfaces like this.

Anyway thanks for listening and for the great advice!

[koolkat1980]

Since you already know her kind of well, she's abit like family! So when the time is right and you are all feeling comfortable - I'm sure there will be LOTS of opportunities to raise your concern with her. It's probably best to talk to her when you are also with your other friend - so she can back you up and confirm her behaviour was a little unkind.

You can say something along the lines of: "I really missed your company when you were seeing 'such and such,' I felt you didn't talk to me much and often felt ignored and abandoned - but I'm glad you're back. Next time you find another boyfriend will you please be kind enough to hang out with me and 'kate' at times as wel!" Then your other friend can nod her head in agreement. Heheh After that, you can say: "I had some doubts about your ex, I found that you changed around him and gave me the silent treatment and became quite exclusive." Something like that...perhaps make it less harsh. Hehe

If she's close to you...she'll understand! Of course you probably have your own way of doing things! :rolleyes: