not over ex...is this normal?

[Justine30]

hey everyone, i am not sure who to talk to about this cuz i am kind of embarrassed about it. me and my ex boyfriend dated for 2 years prior to breaking up. it has been about 1.5 years since the break up and i am STILL not over it. i recently moved 10 hours away and have a whole new life but it doesnt help. me and my ex had tried to be friends for a year but it didnt work. i asked him not to contact me anymore and he changed his number. i also asked him not to email me even if i tried to email him first. i know that sounds strange but i know myself and i have a really hard time with break ups. so i thought that would be best. i still think about him every day and i still email him a few times a week! he has emailed me back several times but after a few days of contact he will suddenly decide its best to stop talking again. i feel embarrassed i am still not over this guy. he wasnt even a good boyfriend and logically i know its for the best but i am still struggling. i am wondering if its b/c i have recently turned 30 and am feeling like i keep failing at relationships. or maybe i am homesick and he reminds me of my past and happier days. i thought moving would help but it seems i want to talk to him now more than ever. i am also finding it harder to find a job in my new city and it is making me feel pretty depressed and useless. perhaps this has something to do with it?? anyway just wondering if is this normal? has anyone taken this long to get over a 2 year relationship? anyway, thanks for your input.

[MLMaestro]

Hi Justine30, first thing first, welcome to QLC forum! :D You have made the right choice in coming here. You will find a lot of help from fellow QLC-ers, including me. :)

I'll say that the fact that the two of you still keep in contact is not healthy, it shows that probably you would choose to be in a bad relationship rather than being single. This is not healthy. I once had that problem too, my ex broke up with me and I still thought of her occasionally and kept her contacts with me. However, I decided to delete everything associated with her, even her Friendster contact, when I found out that she went back to her ex, someone whom she claimed had dumped her for another girl previously. Obviously it was painful, but I am glad that I made the decision.

Sometimes in life, we are required to make a decision that may cause pain to us. However, it would be beneficial to make that decision as the long-term benefits outweigh the short-term pain. You need to be stronger and more independent, get a life, join a group or something. Peer support is what you need most now, as moments of solitude may make you sink into spells of weakness.

As for the question why you fail repeatedly in relationships, I think everyone of us have an area or more in life which we can't deal very well with, me included. However, failing at relationships doesn't mean you won't make a good partner, you just someone who is more compatible with you. Your ex isn't, and he didn't treat you well. You need to move on, and forget him totally. Otherwise, the next better guy may never come.

[koolkat1980]

Sounds normal to me - better to cut ties now I guess! I wasn't even attracted to my ex and was only going out with the putz for about 4 months then, HE apparently cheated on me! I tried to be friendly with him by smsing him! Just teased him and called him an "Elmer Fudd Look-a-like" (which he is) he got VERY angry apparently! (And I was just trying to be friendly). I only missed his friendship more than anything else - he wasn't exactly hot or the most fun person.

Anyway - someone really ought to get him a furry trapper hat FAST!

If I were you - I'd stop all contact, especially if he's thin-skinned and touchy! He might take your smses too seriously and think that your stalking him. (More like wannabee stalked though!)

To be honest, the powergames really have to stop! Who cares who talked to who last? Does it really take or add anything to your life?

[RockAngel]

I think it's normal...I think a lot of us tend to remember all of the good things in a relationship instead of focusing on the things that brought us to this point. It didn't work out for a reason (or many reasons). Being with that other person makes us think about the time we were in our comfort zone. I'm still trying to get over my ex...it's only been 3 months since he DUMPED for another girl, but some days I still feel like it only happened yesterday. The heaviness in my heart has dissipated, but now I'm having a hard time turning off my thoughts when it comes to him. It's difficult to focus on anything else BUT him. He treated me like dirt, like a toy he could play with during the last month, and I wish that was IT for me....I wish I could just focus on THAT and be able to move on, knowing I'm better off without him. But, no...I miss the guy I THOUGHT he was, and I miss the good times we had, and I think that I'm never going to find this with anyone else. EVERYONE tells me that I'm so much better off, and that I deserved much better the entire time we were together. He had a lot of issues with drinking and anger management. Even though I know all of this, I still don't FEEL it. It might have to do with low self-esteem....I feel like I failed, too.

Just keep telling yourself that everything happens for a reason....I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to find that "perfect match". I guess we just have to be patient...even though the process sucks. I suggest you sever all ties with your ex. You have to ask yourself - what are you gaining by keeping in touch with him? I think that communicating with him is a temporary solution to the loneliness you may feel...but nothing has changed between the two of you. Maybe you're just trying to hold onto something that's not even there.

I know it's hard. =( I wish I could fast forward a few months from now...but I'm sure things will work out no matter what the outcome is. Good luck, and take care!

[Justine30]

hey all, thanks for the welcome MLMaestro. and thanks to everyone for the replies! i agree with all that was said. koolkat, the last thing i want to be seen as is a stalker (or cyber stalker!) so the first thing i am going to do is to STOP emailing him. i also think that is part of the reason i cant move on. i mean...even if he doesnt write back its a way to keep up contact since i know he will read my emails. the guy was seriously a jerk of a boyfriend and it should have been over 6 months into the relationship. I had some issues and kept with the relationship even tho i KNEW i shouldnt. i guess that means that is something i have to work on. i also think i have low self esteem when it comes to guys. RockAngel, it is that feeling of failure that kept me trying over the last few years with the same guy. It has prevented me from finding a good guy and now i am 30!! i wasted the last 3 years of my 20s on a JERK. haha. break ups seem to get harder as i get older. plus i am wondering why it seems everyone has found their life partner but me. being 30 and single (am i even a QLCer anymore?!) people are starting to ask me why i am not married and have kids. its frustrating and i really wanted my last boyfriend to be my "forever guy". i guess i have some issues i have to work out! anyway, thanks you guys for your responses. i am so gonna work on moving on! :exclaim: