Luke Warm Feelings

[Marie]

Do you think that it is possible to develop stronger feelings towards someone that you only feel luke warm about.

Right now, I'm in a predicament. There are two guys that I talk too. One of the guys, I have strong feelings towards, he is everything that I would want in a guy, I mean everything, we can talk all day, but he is unavailable. I've only felt this way about one other person in my entire dating life and when it comes to dating, I've dated a lot. I've known him for about three months now, he is in a long-term relationship (7 years) and I wouldn't care about breaking up him and his girlfriend but that would be a first time low for me. I've never wanted to break up someone elses relationship before and sadly, I know what it is like being on the receiving end of being cheated on.

The other guy I have lukewarm feelings towards. He's not in a relationship with anyone. Has a job where he works with mentally disabled adults, never did drugs, no kids, in my age range. He's not ugly but he's someone I would not date lookswise. He is a little boring but we get along. When I ask him to do something he is slow about doing things whereas the other guy will get up and do it. I'm big into fitness and nutrition and this guy is not. At the same time I kind of like him a little bit but then in my mind I'm looking for reasons to not like him and then I start to feel aggravated by him.
I'm not sure what to do?

[Bsig84]

It has always been my experience that in a situation like the second one you described, you will only get more and more annoyed. It seems like you could just be looking for someone to get your mind off the first guy and the second one is not doing it for you. Yes, it is possible for feelings to get stronger but I really believe that there should be some chemisty/connection in the beginning.

[old_school_soul]

This is easy. Don't date either of them. Wait for new fish.

[winneythepooh7]

I was once in a situation that you described with the luke-warm guy. It turned out very, very badly for him because I basically ended up leading him on. I also have dated guys who while not in another relationship that I knew of, just were not available to settle down and give me everything I was looking for. It ended up being a lot of wasted time for me sticking around with them.

[MLMaestro]

I have been through these kind of situation before, where the girl whom I thought may be great for me turned out to be in a relationship with the other guy...so I'll say you probably have to cast your net elsewhere, don't waste any more time around the two of them if you are seeking a relationship with a guy that has qualities that you want.

Maybe it's too calculative of me, but I am not inclined to know or make friends with a girl that I know has a boyfriend before I actually know her. 'Cos I don't really see the point of hanging around too long with someone of the opposite sex that you can never get.

[Marie]

I didn't start talking to this guy with the intention of wanting to date him but when I first met him we started talking and we couldn't stop and it's hard to separate us once we started talking to each other.

You guys are probably right but it's hard trying to get away from this guy because I see him on a regular basis. He doesn't work for my company but he has a contract with my company where he works on an as needed basis and since we are so short staff we need him on a regular basis. When I do see him my heart starts to race and I just want to talk and talk. I think that he might either like me too or just wants to sleep with me.

He has shown signs that he is attracted to me. He took my left hand and noticed that there was no ring. He tells me all the time how pretty I am. I notice that if he sees me talking to other guys he acts a little jealous but tries to joke it off. For example, a coworker of mine and I were talking about exercising and trails and he said, "there is a track near the medical center." Then he said, "I take that back, there are too many guys out there and if you go out there all the guys are probably going to say, 'damn'." I even caught him once checking out my ass.

I know that this is wrong because he has a kid with his girlfriend. I'm not sure how to separate myself from him because I see him on a regular basis during work hours only.

[winneythepooh7]

Maybe he is having regrets of settling down with his gf that has his kid. I mean, people who start out pretty young or have an "oops" baby like that often do----it's pretty normal (not saying his kid was necessarily an "oops" baby but I think people will get my point).

Maybe have a discussion with him about your feelings, but with that said, I also think it very wise to still not get involved with a guy until you know he is 110% over and seperated from the person he is currently dating. That goes for any kind of relationship, not just yours, IMHO.

[Marie]

You're right his girlfriend and himself are not separted. For all I know, him and his girlfriend could be going through a rough patch and some how I'm going to be stuck in the middle of it all.

Thanks

[felix23]

Hey-

If the Luke Warm guy likes you a lot more than you like him, there's going to be further problems, he's probably going to have a real hard time trying to heat up those feelings...

you need to be upfront with him now about the way you feel, even if he is backing off a bit himself, he may just be doing that because he feels that your feelings have cooled off and he doesn't want to appear desparate, never underestimate the strength of someone's feelings for you when you become less interested in them, they naturally grow stronger in response and if he likes you, he will fill his head with rationalizations as to why you don't talk to him as much, or appear less interested in him physically etc. so don't lead him on, but tell him clearly and honestly how you feel (or don't feel), even if it seems as if he doesn't really care... talk it out anyways, be respectful but clear. I know it's not easy, but it's the right thing to do. And maybe in the future your paths will cross again, maybe he's not so boring and dull, and lazyas he seems when your head and heart are so invested in this unavailable man, or maybe he is, and you telling him that it's a turn off to you, will motivate him to do something to improve himself, anyhow... TALK to HIM!

As for the other "unavailable" guy... I will allow defer to the advice of the other posters.

take care, B awesome!

PS- My computer has been weird, careful how you interpret this advice as I am just recently getting over a being a hot guy that fell tragically into luke warm territory and the girl was not up front with me.. but it certainly helped me get energized and get my act together nonetheless, I would of just appreciated her being up front...