Help!! Mine is just starting....

[Carboann25]

...

[Unregistered]

Hi Sarah,

Sorry to hear that you've had a rough time. While I can't exactly relate to everything that you've said, I can sympathize. To make a long story short: I, too, had dated the guy who was my best friend. We had been friends for about 4 1/2 years before we dated for the first time. We had a relationship that was brief before we broke it off and a year later decided to try it again. During the second time, he proposed and I truly believed that we would get married and be together. It was ideal - I was in love with my best friend and I thought he was in love with me. But then he broke it off the second time as well - and I was crushed.

While my relationship lasted nowhere near as long as yours, I experienced some of the same feelings you're having. I felt like I had wanted to crawl into a deep, dark hole and never come out. Or at the least, just stay in bed in a dark room and sleep the day away so I didn't have to face reality. What I had to do was just let myself mourn for awhile. In a way, I felt betrayed - he had said he wanted to marry me. How could this person that I've given so much love to and spent so much time with and cared so much about have made it feel like such a slap in the face. Like his proposal didn't really mean anything (and maybe it didn't - I should have been more cautious when he wasn't serious about investing in a ring and making a serious move, a serious committment. Don't get me wrong, I'm not materialistic, but I feel that if he were truly serious, he would have made a step like that or planned to be more financially secure for when we got married. Maybe you understand that one?) For the first time, I really didn't feel like talking to my friends about my situation. Like they wouldn't (or couldn't) understand what I was going through. I don't know if this will work for you like it helped me, but just take some time for yourself - let yourself cry, let yourself mope, let yourself grieve, and let yourself feel angry - or whatever else you feel. Voice out loud (in an empty room) the things that you still want to say to him that make you angry or hurt. Pretend he's there and let yourself get those feeings out. (It sounds weird and it feels weird to talk to yourself, but it really feels better for you to say things out loud and get them off your chest, not just think them.) You may not want to completely push your friends away but just let them know you want to be alone for a little bit and take that time for yourself. For me, it took months to go through that healing process - and when I wasn't with my friends and family, I wasn't a happy person. I didn't want the pressure of having to act like everything was OK and that I should just get over it. I wasn't cheerful, I hated life, and I felt completely alone.

But - like your dad says, it could have always been worse - you could have married him. I ended up being glad I never went so far as to marry my ex. I would have regretted it until the day I died (of course, hind-sight is 20/20 - I never would have realized this at the time I was involved in the situation and immediately afterward). At this moment, we are no longer even friends. I've broken off all ties with him (which was initially hard to do b/c we had been friends, and best friends for about 7 years). He became a different person - someone I didn't know - about a year after we broke up the second time. He couldn't let things that happened during our relationship go, despite his claims that he could. He became frightening - screaming and yelling at me - and he barely even raised his voice once when we were friends and when we were going out. I suppose you never know what is going on in some peoples' heads. Maybe I really just didn't know him as well as I thought I did. I count myself lucky that I found this out before I jumped into something deeper.

I think you can consider yourself lucky as well. That you have a chance to rebuild a life for yourself and take the time to find out what you want. I know it's disappointing to be where you are - you're at a point where you thought you would get married and now you're finding you have to start all over. My advice would be to take one thing at a time. I also live at home, in my old room, and while it isn't my dream situation, it's helped me to get on my feet a little bit and not worry about rent while I look for a job to get some money to buy a car and to go back to school (which will take a couple or a few years). Don't worry about your living situation at the moment. Since that is temporarily taken care of, worry about the main concern of finding a way to get income and put yourself through school. Scholarships, working for a year or so, working while you go to school and have loans - they're all options. As far as your friends, do what you feel is best. You don't have to please them, just yourself. Maybe you'd like to try to meet new people while having these same friends. A new job or some volunteer activities may do that for you - when you're ready. Or even going back to school, you will meet people there.

One good thing that came out of all of this for me was that I really grew as a person. I learned what I wanted out of relationships (and by the same token, what I didn't want). I became a stronger person and I didn't need my friends or a boyfriend to get through the difficult times in life - because I realized that both of them weren't going to be there when I really needed them. As stupid as it sounds, I needed myself more - needed to depend on myself. This will happen for you as well, I'm sure. It will just take time. And at the moment, I know time is the enemy, the thing that you hate the most - because you want things to be solved, or to at least get better, right now. But time - time for yourself, and time to move on - will lessen the pain and good things will come. I promise.

[Unregistered]

Sarah, I just wanted to say that IT WILL get better. Always know the your relationship with him does not equal you! Focus on school, slowly rebuild you friend base, keep your eye open for a place to live/you'll feel better when you aren't at home anymore, and just rest in the knowledge that the rest will follow! Keep it up friend!

[CoachSBB]

Hi Sarah!

Yes, I sense that with time and distance things will get better for you.

What I hear is that there is a massive opportunity being presented for you to truly evaluate who YOU are? and what YOU want?! Yes, vague questions with endless answers. And, when you ask yourself these questions you may be surprised to hear the answers that are coming from your heart.

Know that this current living situation is temporary and that you are strong enough to put up with anything as long as you know it's not forever.

The break-up and the relationship is such a painful thing to be going through. What have you learned from it? How did this experience help you to grow as a person?!

Congrats on knowing what it is that you want to DO with your life right now! (midwife) Most people dont' get that far at the age of 50!

Hang in there kiddo! All the best,
Sarah

[Unregistered]

I feel for you, really I do. I am going through a similar situation right now. I feel like I cannot breathe anymore. I never thought of myself as a weak person but now I do. How could I have been so wrong to love this person who claimed to love me so much? Sarah, I wish I lived in Portland ~ maybe we could talk then & be friends. Like you, I also wish that I could start over with friends. A fresh start. How do I say good-bye to him when I still want to be with him? I don't know. How did you do it? Can anyone help me be more courageous. How do you really say good-bye to someone that you love?...even when you know it's the right thing? I would love to hear from a guy's perspective. Why is commitment so hard or scary? I can't help but feel it's a personal thing even though he says it really had nothing to do with me. How can that be??

[Unregistered]

Sarah,
I posted awhile back & am just wondering how you are doing now? Are you feeling better? Stronger?...
Take care.
Kate

[Carboann25]

Wow, everyone's replies have been really thoughtful!! I must admit that I definitely still have my down days...but that's to be expected, right? I am doing better.

Time to belly up to the bar... Thanks again for the responses & providing a way for me to be 100% honest with myself & others at the same time. Sometimes, I don't even think I have that with my closest friends. Here goes nothing!!!
Take care you all.
~ Sarah in Portland

[Antonina]

Sarah- with your application for the rental place, I don't know what the situation is like in your country but I have been living in rented share houses for 3 of the last five years, and in that time I had managed to secure 3 houses as a no-income full time university student who was on NO student financial support (I was just living on summer holiday savings the whole time). Have you got enough savings (or any student benefits? I don't know what the system is like over there) at the moment to be able to pay rent in the long run? I understand what you mean when you say that you need to move out (moving back in with parents can be very very hard! I know), but if in the long run, it is going to stress you out financially, maybe you should wait a bit longer...? I only say that cos it sounds like you have had enough stress for the year already, without having to worry about where every rent is coming from next. Then again I may be completely off track with your circumstances! :rolleyes: Anyway, wish you lots of luck! Keep us updated.

[qlcgirl]

Sarah -

Gotta ask, have you read the posting by screen name "duritz25" entitled, "I could use some other people's perspective here"? The reason I ask is he too broke up with his girlfriend of (6 years)? Sounds like the situation was the same as yours, he too lives in Oregon and his girlfriend's name is Sarah!!! Just a coincidence?

[Carboann25]

You're right...that's him! Any thoughts for me? And if you have aol instant messenger - my sign on is Carboann25, k???

[Unregistered]

Had you seen his posting prior to my bringing it to your attention??? If not that's REALLY weird!! :O) Have you guys been in contact since your breakup? How often? When is the last time you talked to him? From everything I've read , you both have encountered a major quarter life crisis at the same time, BUT(and I'm saying this just based on reading both of your positings, not knowing your WHOLE history and dynamics of your relationship), it appears you guys are MEANT TO BE TOGETHER!!!! There's no doubt in my mind (and I don't know the guy personally), that he has had an eye opening experience. I know that you had reached the "enough is enough" point and I believe you did the right thing in breaking it off, but you both seem to have a very good perspective on life and it doesn't seem to me that this is just a case of wanting to get back together for the wrong reasons, (just) because you miss each other now that your apart. Afterall, you guys have built quite a history together and you're right, you HAD been together longer than most marriages!!! And I like how you mentioned that you were best friends - that is KEY in a relationship! So I guess my question now is, were there any other reasons that you finally decided to leave him or was it just that he never "stepped up to the plate" in the marriage department? Because if that is the ONLY reason, if you were happy with all other aspects of your relationship, you should DEFFINATELY give this a second chance. Sometimes it actually DOES take someone losing the one they love to realize what they mean to them!!! It's sad that this is the case, but I believe that it's true.....I have a friend that was in a similar situation as yourself (only they had not dated for as long of a period of time), and they ended up breaking up, both of them thinking it was over. He ended up realizing what she meant to him and after a couple of months of being apart, they have given it a second chance and they are moving towards marriage!!! On the one hand, your ex probably took for granted that you'd always be around, but on the other hand, either a fear of making the "ultimate committment" or the idea that everything had to be perfect before starting a family kept him from taking the next step. But the truth is, things will never be "perfect in life", and you cannot wait for that to happen to be "ready" for marriage. I think after having some time to think, he has realized this! So, what are you going to do?!?! I deffinately wouldn't let this love slip away but only YOU know in your heart what the right decision is!

Can't wait to hear back from you! Hang in there, things will deffinately turn out all right. You have a good attitude, are pursuing a career your passionate about and it's only NORMAL for you to be heartbroken after a breakup with someone you loved for over 6 years (especially if the breakup was ONLYt because you finally had to draw the line after years of promises that never materialized)!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, I can relate to your situation and I felt your pain when reading your story :O) I'll elaborate later but let's just say I feel like I'm in a quarter life crisis of my own!!!


I am not set up on instant messenger :O( which is why I replied back to this posting but even though I have to scoot now, I can probably get set up on it later or tomorrow!

[Solo]

This is entirely too much typing. We need a voice chat up in here! Ya heard me? :p

[Carboann25]

So, this is the deal...
Does anyone have AOL or MSN instant messenger??? We definitely could start there....at least until this chat room starts up (for this site)...

Come on people, give me your sign ons & we'll chat, k?!!!

My AOL - Carboann25

&

My MSN - carbery@hotmail.com

Later!
Sarah in Sunny (oh my God it is beautiful) Portland!!!