The pefection contest

[crazy-girl]

I don't know what the deal is but I am noticing it more and more: the perfection contest. Friends that I've had for 5 years or more are now suddenly playing competition. Let me explain, I have a few friends that I feel like are trying to compete with me or show me that their lives are perfect.

one friend likes to put down my job and say things like "You'll get a good job like me one day" or "My job is just so challenging and my boss thanks me practically every day for the hard work I do"

Another friend says things like "I don't know how I ever survived on $25,000 a year. I was so poor! It's so great to be making double that now" Uh, she KNOWS I make 25K.

Another friend likes to have the "perfect" relationship. They are so happy and have so much in common and the sex is great, blah blah blah.

Is this all in my head? Are my own feelings of being inadequete making their successes seem like digs or is this a problem others have noticed. These used to be the girls that would just vent about job and love and life in general with me without lying or puffing things up.

[Unregistered]

I say, point this out to him/her if it happens significantly. I assume you work in non-profit or are figuring things out now. But friendships should enhance your life, so choose them carefully. I get this from some family members, but you don't choose them. A real friend would never want to hurt you, bottom line.

[Unregistered]

Your post made me laugh. I know exactly what you are talking about, from the other side. I've noticed myself getting increasingly competitive.... Why? Because I am NOT sure of my own decisions. Yes, some things are going well. For example, just moved in with the "one". But what if he's not the one... and is it just me but is the sex getting dull.... and I kind of enjoyed being single.... and is everyone else having more fun than me? Post-graduation has been a really trying time. I've moved thousands of miles away, lost my identity as a student, become completely disenchanted with the 'real world' and gained 10 pounds!! I've been trying not to let competition come between friendships, but it's not always easy. Before getting too upset remember, that admitting your failures to your friends is hard, but it may be even harder admitting them to yourself.

[Unregistered]

oh my goodness i know EXACTLY how you feel. all i can tell you is that people say nasty and inappropriate things like that when they are feeling insecure about their lives. they are just trying to prove to themselves that they are 'perfect' or better or whatever...please.

my case is a little different though. i'm the one who makes more money (or so they think- even though i have never told anyone how much i make they just assume) and goes to grad school part time and all i ever hear from anyone is 'you think you are so much better than us'. which i totally DO NOT. and i try really really hard not to do or say anything that would make my friends feel that way. i go out of my way to not discuss my job or school.

i think right now poeople at our age are just trying to figure out what the heck to do with their lives and when they see their friends moving in one direction they start to question themselves. even if what their friend is doing isn't the right path for themselves.

[crazy-girl]

I think that is a good point. Sometimes I admit it is all in my head. Like last night I was talking to this girl and I know she makes practically double my salary and has 1/4 of the bills that I have. Anyway, she was talking about how she's had so much to deal with lately. In my head I just started seething thinking "THOSE ARE NOT PROBLEMS!" but she wasn't trying to rub anything in---she was just venting but because I've become so obsessed with my miniscule paychecks I've just gotten angry when anyone who makes a lot of money tells me that they have problems.

I could have a friend that pulls in 100k a year and loses both legs in a car accident and I'd instantly think "If I lost MY legs I couldn't even afford the good fake ones! I'd be on peg legs. You don't have problems Richie Rich!"

I'm not well. At least I realize this.

[maggie25]

hah!
let me tell you, realizing the problem is part of the solution. at least that's what they tell me. right now i'm jealous of the bum down the street collecting money. he has more change in his cup than i do in my pocket...hum..maybe i should get my own corner....

[crazy-girl]

Glad to know I'm not the only crazy one.

I think that this is probably a selfish time in our lives. We're becoming adults and we have to look very closely at our own choices and decisions to decide what kind of life we want to begin on our own. Because of that introspection we're selfish in nature.

I'm selfish and whiny and I also need a haircut so I'm worse off than all of you.

Just kidding.

[Unregistered]

I know, I know it sucks. I can't even afford to go to the dentist (see, I'm competitive even about the bad things)! One thing that has really helped me put things into perspective is that, deep down, I don't really want my friends' lifes. Yeah, they have tons of extra money, but they are doing jobs that they hate or, worse, living with their parents. Ok, there's a few that seem to have it all, but not many and I'm sure they've got their own problems. Plus, I'm really proud of myself. I always was kind of a princess and this whole living on my own has been a huge reality check. Although, this isn't what I hoped for, it's good to know I can handle it.

[crazy-girl]

I can't afford to go to the dentist either. How sad are we?

[vagabondchick]

i totally agree with all of you guys!! i am not even working, since i was laidoff a while ago, and the job market is not the greatest right now-not even close!

anyway-about the whole competition between friends...i think friends should be supportive of each other, instead of comparing themselves all the time. i have friends who probably don't realize that all they do is talk about themselves and what is going on in their lives. they don't even bother asking about yours. friendship really is a two-way street, and if some would just stop for two seconds to consider the other person's perspective, we probably would all have healthier relationships with our friends. i do however, feel lucky that i DO have some people that i consider good friends. ones that genuinely want the best for you-EVEN when their own lives are not going well. i have been on both sides of the fence (things going well, and now, things going not so well), but though it all, i think i've tried to be a good and conscientious friend...

also, i agree that i would not want the lives of some of my friends, maybe just bits and pieces, but doesn't everyone feel that way?? wouldn't life be great if we could just pick and choose? unfortunately, life isn't like that.

[Unregistered]

If anyone can stomach a reply from an almost 40 year old who has been there... life has seasons, and most 20 somethings have the season of fear and uncertainty that comes with leaving home/school and finding your way in the world. Hate it, yes, but embrace it for what it will give you...

Looking back (and there's no guarantee I won't find myself in those shoes again, so I preach to myself here) I realize that if I wasn't in danger of being homeless (loving parents who I utterly under-appreciated were my safety net there) or going completely without food (I must have known ten ways to serve rice & beans in my mid-twenties) or contracting a major disease (there's something to be said for living sober & healthy 'cause I couldn't afford alchohol or rich foods), I was better off than most of the world's population.

From that perspective, I now value the money I make, the marriage & family I have, the roof over my head, my wonderful job (education pays less but it is soooo fulfilling!) and I have the incredible advantage of knowing that I am happy.