hoodie
05-02-2008, 10:23 AM
I am in a situation I hate right now and am not sure how, if at all, I can get out of it. It involves my new boyfriend, who I think is awesome, and my parents, who are also awesome but unfortunately can be extremely judgemental and untrusting.
The problem is this: Shortly before the boy and I started dating, he got a DUI. My parents are EXTREMELY suspicious of DUIs and consider them a sign of complete disregard and irresponsibility. They really look on people who get them with a large degree of disdain. I know this for a fact considering my last two exes also had DUIs. They knew about one ex's DUI and not about the other. The one where they knew, they couldn't stand the guy. The one where they didn't, they loved him.
I am disappointed that this is the case, but I'm completely convinced that my parents will be really super-critical of my current boy if they find out about the DUI. I think he's a good person who made a dumb mistake (and knows it and is doing everything in his power to correct it), but I still think he deserves to make an impression on my parents normally, not as "the guy with the DUI". If they knew, I'd be hearing, "Tell ___ to drive carefully." or "I hope ___ isn't driving" forever after. My sister has told me that in my position, she'd hide the truth 'til the death so as not to put her boyfriend through that type of judgement.
So I've kept this from my folks. Unfortunately, now it's getting a little weird. At the start of the relationship, they never questioned why the bf didn't drive because he lives in the city and takes the bus to work. But the more time he spends in the suburbs with me (legally, btw, he's on a hardship permit and can drive weekdays 6-6), the more they question things. Like for instance, my birthday party is this coming weekend and they asked if he'd be driving me around (since I will be drinking) and my mom asked me out and out, "Does ___ drive? Why can't he drive you?"
I said that he doesn't have a working car (he doesn't; that's actually true) and that I don't want him driving my car given that I've had enough trouble with insurance given my four accidents in the past four years (also true) and that we'll be taking the train in and out of the city because a lot of my city-dwelling friends who don't drive will be there (also true). Despite all the truths, however, I feel like I lied by omission given that the true answer to that question should have been "No." And I feel awful about it, despite the fact that it feels necessary to protect my guy from their judgement.
The worst part? The boyfriend hates it. He wishes my folks knew the truth, and believes he deserves the judgement for doing something so stupid, but goes along with it so as not to cause problems with me and my parents. He's told me, "They're just trying to protect you, and honestly, it was a dumb mistake", but I feel really strongly for this guy and I would be extremely hurt and upset to see my parents judge him, a great guy with a lot of integrity, based on that one mistake.
I'm already in too deep; I've already danced around the truth enough times where if I am caught, my parents are going to be really mad at me. The boyfriend gets his license back in four months at which point it won't really matter anymore, but I am feeling like I'm walking a tightrope here afraid to make any step in the wrong direction, and I worry that it's only a matter of time til I get caught. Even though I know the tension this creates is much less than the tension it would create if my parents DID know, I feel rotten for lying and even more rotten for making my boyfriend go along with the lie against his choice.
I am probably setting myself up here to get reamed by the QLC crowd and I admit I've been dishonest. But knowing the fact that my parents will literally never trust my boyfriend again if they knew makes me want to step up and take a bullet for the guy. I just don't know if it's worth it given that he doesn't WANT me to take the bullet for him. However, I don't think he knows just how unreasonable my folks can be about things like this.
This just sucks all around...
The problem is this: Shortly before the boy and I started dating, he got a DUI. My parents are EXTREMELY suspicious of DUIs and consider them a sign of complete disregard and irresponsibility. They really look on people who get them with a large degree of disdain. I know this for a fact considering my last two exes also had DUIs. They knew about one ex's DUI and not about the other. The one where they knew, they couldn't stand the guy. The one where they didn't, they loved him.
I am disappointed that this is the case, but I'm completely convinced that my parents will be really super-critical of my current boy if they find out about the DUI. I think he's a good person who made a dumb mistake (and knows it and is doing everything in his power to correct it), but I still think he deserves to make an impression on my parents normally, not as "the guy with the DUI". If they knew, I'd be hearing, "Tell ___ to drive carefully." or "I hope ___ isn't driving" forever after. My sister has told me that in my position, she'd hide the truth 'til the death so as not to put her boyfriend through that type of judgement.
So I've kept this from my folks. Unfortunately, now it's getting a little weird. At the start of the relationship, they never questioned why the bf didn't drive because he lives in the city and takes the bus to work. But the more time he spends in the suburbs with me (legally, btw, he's on a hardship permit and can drive weekdays 6-6), the more they question things. Like for instance, my birthday party is this coming weekend and they asked if he'd be driving me around (since I will be drinking) and my mom asked me out and out, "Does ___ drive? Why can't he drive you?"
I said that he doesn't have a working car (he doesn't; that's actually true) and that I don't want him driving my car given that I've had enough trouble with insurance given my four accidents in the past four years (also true) and that we'll be taking the train in and out of the city because a lot of my city-dwelling friends who don't drive will be there (also true). Despite all the truths, however, I feel like I lied by omission given that the true answer to that question should have been "No." And I feel awful about it, despite the fact that it feels necessary to protect my guy from their judgement.
The worst part? The boyfriend hates it. He wishes my folks knew the truth, and believes he deserves the judgement for doing something so stupid, but goes along with it so as not to cause problems with me and my parents. He's told me, "They're just trying to protect you, and honestly, it was a dumb mistake", but I feel really strongly for this guy and I would be extremely hurt and upset to see my parents judge him, a great guy with a lot of integrity, based on that one mistake.
I'm already in too deep; I've already danced around the truth enough times where if I am caught, my parents are going to be really mad at me. The boyfriend gets his license back in four months at which point it won't really matter anymore, but I am feeling like I'm walking a tightrope here afraid to make any step in the wrong direction, and I worry that it's only a matter of time til I get caught. Even though I know the tension this creates is much less than the tension it would create if my parents DID know, I feel rotten for lying and even more rotten for making my boyfriend go along with the lie against his choice.
I am probably setting myself up here to get reamed by the QLC crowd and I admit I've been dishonest. But knowing the fact that my parents will literally never trust my boyfriend again if they knew makes me want to step up and take a bullet for the guy. I just don't know if it's worth it given that he doesn't WANT me to take the bullet for him. However, I don't think he knows just how unreasonable my folks can be about things like this.
This just sucks all around...