When you are pregnant and they are not......

[winneythepooh7]

I am dealing with this issue in my personal life right now and I am not really sure how I should approach it.

It has to do with a family member. Anyone been through this and have any ideas on how to approach it? Right now I am more or less treating it like the pink elephant in the room.........cowardly, I'm sure.........

ETA: the whole story!

Basically, my issue is this:

I found out I was expecting on Mother's Day. My husband and I were not exactly trying to have kids. We basically took the mindset that "whatever happens, happens", so it came as a bit of a shock initially.

Anyways, my SIL found out and is devastated because from what I understand they've been trying for well over a year, but nothing is happening.

My husband (her brother) made a comment in front of her in his shock and just plain fear "We're not ready for this---can't we send it back?!"

Obviously, our feelings have changed since we have had the initial everything set in, and we've been to multiple doctor appts.........however, from what I am hearing this is not sitting well with my SIL.

I feel really, really bad and I am not sure how I should approach her.........if at all.......any thoughts you have would be appreciated!

[steph78]

Is it a fertility issue, or just a timing issue? If it's a fertility issue then I imagine a LOT of compassion is needed for this family member, it took me 8 months to get pregnant which I know isn't even a lot in the grand scheme of things, but I watched about five of my friends get pregnant in the same window of time that my husband and I were trying and not succeeding and it was really really hard for me emotionally. I don't know how close you are to this person, if you're really close and you know they are struggling with this you might ask if she wants to talk about it (don't force it, just let her know that you're there and willing to listen). If you're not close enough that you feel comfortable doing that, I guess I would just try to be sensitive and not monopolize every single conversation with pregnancy-talk (which I'm sure you're not doing, but just something to keep in mind)

I don't know, it's a hard situation because you have every right to be happy during this joyful time and shouldn't have to feel like you totally have to tiptoe around...but at the same time you have to be somewhat sensitive.

[steph78]

Oh, I just read your whole story. That's hard (and how much do you wish you could erase that comment that your husband made, even though it was in jest?).

I've been on her side of this - when we were trying and not succeeding, my SIL got pregnant with #4 and was not sure how excited she was about the prospect of four kids. She didn't KNOW that my husband and I had been trying so long and not meeting with success, so I'm sure she would have acted differently had she known about our situation, but she talked and talked and talked and talked me to death about the details of her pregnancy, and how her husband was going to have to get a vasectomy, etc. etc. I seriously don't know how I didn't end up crying, it was so hard to sit and listen to that. And I am just a really private person so I didn't want to tell her I was having trouble getting pregnant (if I did the entire family would have known about it by the next day!).

So anyway, whatever you do, don't talk your SIL to death about the details. :)

But at the same time, there is no reason you should feel guilty. People are going to have babies, and that's just the way it is. If not you, some other friend or family member. She'll have to accept it, hope she's a big enough person to not be openly jealous about it.

[winneythepooh7]

We don't really hang out with them that much anymore, so I don't know how appropriate it would be to mention things. We do hear every little detail from my husband's parents. They actually approached us recently and asked us to be "sensitive" to the issue going on because (in their words--not mine), it's been "like World War III" when we're not around.

According to my MIL, both of them have been checked out and there are "no issues". My SIL, not to be funny or snarky, is very high-strung/a bit neurotic and just stressed out by nature. I think that may have something to do with it. Her and her husband are both basically workaholics to an extent, as well. Her husband is also significantly older than she is (he is about 40, she just hit 30) so I wonder if that may be factoring into all of this.

I recently had a party and because I am friends with a lot of couples with young children, and invited them as well. There were 2 newborns here, several toddlers and some elementary school age children. I turned around at one point and realized my SIL, who had been helping me in the kitchen to prepare food, suddenly left with her husband. A few people mentioned that it had to do with her feelings of upset with all the people having kids. (I have not confirmed this though).

Lastly, which puts the icing on the cake, when I went to my first Ob/Gyn appt to determine if I was indeed pregnant, my husband could not go because he could not get off a job. My MIL (her mom) accompanied me, at both her and my husband's suggestion. I am wondering thinking back if I should have just gone by myself.........

It will be easy to not talk about the pregnancy around her because we often see his parents and other family members when she's not around.

[HDC80]

I wouldnt gloat and give all the details about your pregnancy, but I also wouldnt go around thinking about how your SIL is going to take every move you make.

While its hard that she is having difficulty getting pregnant, that doesnt mean that you shouldnt have all the joy and attention for the fact that you ARE.

Do as you are going to do, she is the one who needs to deal with it if she is having problems that you're pregnant. After all you're carrying her neice.

[Vicki]

I so agree that you should act normal. Of course you need to be sensitive and spare her all the gory details, but sharing the basics and having news passed on via your inlaws is only natural!
Me and hubby have been married for 4 years and although we haven't been trying as such, we haven't been preventing either. So far we've had no luck but that doesn't stop me feeling excited for all the friends around me who've got children or who are currently expecting :)

[steph78]

I wouldnt gloat and give all the details about your pregnancy, but I also wouldnt go around thinking about how your SIL is going to take every move you make.

While its hard that she is having difficulty getting pregnant, that doesnt mean that you shouldnt have all the joy and attention for the fact that you ARE.

Do as you are going to do, she is the one who needs to deal with it if she is having problems that you're pregnant. After all you're carrying her neice.
I totally agree with this. It is unfortunate that your SIL is having trouble conceiving, and believe me I know how hard and frustrating it is, but that doesn't mean everyone she knows should have to tiptoe around this issue forever to spare her feelings. Babies are going to come into the world and she is going to have to figure out a way to deal with this - it is unrealistic to expect everyone around her to put life on hold until her fertility problem is resolved.

I think that your current course of just not discussing the intricate details of pregnancy in her presence is about all you can do at this point - you're being sensitive to her feelings, but you shouldn't let her problems put too much of a damper on your own happy experience here. If she gets totally crazy and refuses to be around kids at all (like at your party) then maybe it would be best if your husband and MIL talk to her. You probably have enough other things to deal with right now!!

[winneythepooh7]

Thanks for the insight ladies. I think my husband is having a really hard time with this. There was some big fight with them last night apparently. I was sleeping so I missed it but he was in rare form about it this morning and we didn't really get to talk since he had to leave for work. His words were basically "what the F did I do wrong to deserve this!!".

[callyna81]

As someone who can relate to the position your SIL is in all too well(and is well and truly surrounded by pregnancy at the moment), I would say the most important thing is to keep negative comments about the situation to the minimum from this point- but don't tiptoe around and not share your joy. It's hard to hear, but it's life.

[allie1105]

I personally can't relate to you, but last summer, one of my SILs was pregnant and lost the baby. The baby was to be due last February. She didn't tell anyone, and another SIL was pregnant at the same time, and one night it came out that she was pregnant...and due on the same day that the other baby was to be due on. It was really sad and hard for the SIL who lost the baby because she so badly wanted another baby. The family didn't avoid talking about the SIL that was pregnant, but no one would "rub it in" the other one's face (NOT that you do that). I think as long as you aren't gloating (in front of your SIL at least - you have every right to gloat!), its only natural to talk about it since its such a huge thing going on in your life right now. I understand why she would be upset/jealous, but she should keep her feelings in check. If they've both been checked and there are no fertility issues, then it should happen for them eventually...and she can learn from your pregnancy!!

[winneythepooh7]

We are on Cloud 9 over here!!

We found out last night that my SIL is preggers.............and she confirmed with the doctor today and it looks like it may be TWINS!!!!:D

THREE baby cousins, under 5 months apart!!!! We are so, so excited!!!!

[ugarachel82]

That's awesome! Congrats congrats to everyone...glad to see that this thread has taken a happy turn...:)

[TinyDancer]

Good deal, Winney! :)

If you don't mind my asking (I can take it to PM), when are you due?

[winneythepooh7]

12/30