sexuality question...

[evy031]

Have any of you here ever seriously questioned your sexuality for a long period of time? I have been going through this for a while, and was wondering how you all resolved the issue. I know that by the time you're 23, you're expected to have this figured out, but I haven't. Any thoughts or experiences that could help out?

E

[wordsmith]

I don't think you're necessarily supposed to have it figured out by a given age, for what it's worth. But, I'm speaking as somebody who hasn't really questioned, so you can take it with a grain of salt as well. But my general impression is that these things are individual, and don't really follow a timeline as far as coming to terms.

[koolkat1980]

This is very "un-Christian-like" of me...sorry guys..... but all I can really think of to say - is that you'll never know if you don't try. :0

[midtwenty]

Maybe you like both boys and girls? Have you considered that possibilty at all?

[koolkat1980]

Maybe you like both boys and girls? Have you considered that possibilty at all?

Smart thinking MidTwenty! Why didn't I think of that one!? :p

[MLMaestro]

Hmm...is that a big problem for you?

I personally have no such issues...I am 100% sure that I am attracted to females only. :D

[PenforPrez]

I don't think you're necessarily supposed to have it figured out by a given age, for what it's worth.

That was exactly what I was thinking.

A year or so ago, I met a 52-year-old woman who was just getting into the BDSM lifestyle. She said she had spent 30 years in denial about it, until one day, she just had to come out and embrace this whole new facet of who she was sexually.

The problem was her husband was kind of conservative and straight-laced (BDSM people refer to people like that as "vanilla"), and he emotionally abused her for her decision. So she got a divorce, and became free to pursue a whole new life.

You never know when such a question will emerge or even be answered. One of my closest friends is gay, and one day we were hanging out, and I was just curious. I asked him (maybe insensitively, but there's no good way to ask), "When did you realize that you liked guys?"

He said: "About the same time you realized you liked girls." :rolleyes:

To the OP: Most people are not as comfortable in their sexuality as they would have you think. The questions you're asking are perfectly healthy, and the answer (I think) comes with time. You'll be fine. :)

Paul

[roulettefanatic]

i guess the theme of these message boards is this so-called notion that by the age of 23 or so, we're supposed to have everything figured out, including sexuality, but it's really not that simple....people grow and change over time, depending on experiences, attitudes, and circumstances, so i wouldn't be in a rush to figure this all out since it's a process like anything else (well, not exactly, but i think you know what i mean).....do what's comfortable for you and hopefully you'll find your answer......

[gemma-dahl]

A year or so ago, I met a 52-year-old woman who was just getting into the BDSM lifestyle. She said she had spent 30 years in denial about it, until one day, she just had to come out and embrace this whole new facet of who she was sexually.

The problem was her husband was kind of conservative and straight-laced (BDSM people refer to people like that as "vanilla"), and he emotionally abused her for her decision. So she got a divorce, and became free to pursue a whole new life.

You never know when such a question will emerge or even be answered.


This pretty much describes my situation, minus the divorce, and, of course, being 52. Emotionally abusive guy I dated for a long time saw most sexual acts outside of the typical as "perversions." I didn't realize until I began dating my partner that I liked BDSM - so up until I was in my early-mid 20s, basically, I had no idea what I liked.

Now, we have built up a nice collection of props and toys, and we go to conventions and fetish performance shows. I am still learning things about myself in that arena. I am actually more into it from a performance and art standpoint than from a sexual standpoint, but other things do come into play. It gets pretty personal and maybe not appropriate for the board, so I will leave it at that.

You're never too old to learn what you like. I find reading and experimenting to be immensely helpful. Do what feels right.

[gemma-dahl]

I should add that at 23, I had no idea what I wanted. I think it is fine. I expect to learn more about myself in the coming years. Relax. Look forward to the self-exploration. :D

[wordsmith]

This pretty much describes my situation, minus the divorce, and, of course, being 52. Emotionally abusive guy I dated for a long time saw most sexual acts outside of the typical as "perversions." I didn't realize until I began dating my partner that I liked BDSM - so up until I was in my early-mid 20s, basically, I had no idea what I liked.

Now, we have built up a nice collection of props and toys, and we go to conventions and fetish performance shows. I am still learning things about myself in that arena. I am actually more into it from a performance and art standpoint than from a sexual standpoint, but other things do come into play. It gets pretty personal and maybe not appropriate for the board, so I will leave it at that.

You're never too old to learn what you like. I find reading and experimenting to be immensely helpful. Do what feels right.

I think this is overall true...you don't necessarily know what you do and don't like until you do it, and your tastes and proclivities may change over time.

[old_school_soul]

As told to me by a friend who most people would call bisexual: For some people sexuality is fluid. You don't fall for the genitals, but the person himself/herself. Your sexuality at a point in time is whatever society wants to label you.

[evy031]

I do agree that sexuality is fluid, and you all are probably right that if one doesn't try.... one doesn't know. My biggest "problem" or question is this: When I see an attractive person of the opposite sex in real life, I am attracted to them. However, about 80% of my fantasies (without looking at any visual stimulation or anything) are with people of the same sex. Thus the confusion. Anyone had a similar experience? This was a huge problem for me for a long while, but now I am just accustomed to going with the flow. However, I do fear that I am homophobic since it is difficult to see myself ever coming out publicly if I do decide some day that I am gay.

[gemma-dahl]

I do a fair amount of coverage on the GLBTQ community in my freelance life, and there are tons of identity permutations and combinations there, just as there are in the "straight" community. There are lesbian women who fantasize about men. There are gay men who have sex with women sometimes. There are men who identify as bisexual, but only date women - but will watch male porn. It all just depends. Sexual identity is fluid.

As a reporter, I am careful to use that acronym - GLBTQ - for reasons you just described. "Queer" is a word that some communities are taking back. No longer a slur, it is a word to describe those whose gender identities and sexual proclivities are outside of what you'd see depicted in your average Winona Ryder movie, but do not adhere to rigid terms like "gay," "lesbian," "bisexual." I just wrote about transsexual rights, and believe it or not, the range of gender expressions and sexual orientations is as wide and broad in that community as in any other.

The most important thing to do is not to assign a label to yourself. Even if you wish to, it can always be changed and molded. Secondly, and I can't emphasize this enough, get out there and do stuff! Attend gay events, straight events, queer events. The summer marks the season of Dyke Marches in many communities. Go out and see one if you can. Go to a fetish club if you want to. Look at porn. Buy toys. Check out books - your local library probably has awesome Gender Studies and Queer Theory sections.

It is never easy to come out. A mentor and excellent story source for me also happens to be VP of a major GLBTQ advocacy center in my region. She helps people determine "who they are" all of the time, and yes, it can be a tumultuous period of one's life. Like me, she's a big advocate for open-mindedness and experimentation when it comes to sexual roles and identities.

And, if it's any help, she thinks that in the year 2008, it's cooler than ever to "be who you want to be."

[midtwenty]

As told to me by a friend who most people would call bisexual: For some people sexuality is fluid. You don't fall for the genitals, but the person himself/herself. Your sexuality at a point in time is whatever society wants to label you.

I have a very good friend who is very up front with her bisexuality. While I am not personally hard-wired that way, I find her combination of openness with close friends and public discretion very refreshing. Not to mention, she's got DOUBLE the options! ;) But what you said and1 is precisely how she is: her attraction is virtually always based on the personality and sense of humor (which is very important to her).

I am strictly straight - I love men, 'specially the hubby! - but I'm also comfortable enough within myself that if I see a woman who catches my eye I have no problem whatsoever thinking to myself (or saying to whoever I'm with), "Wow that chick is super hot." In fact, when my bi friend and I work together, we often kid around with each other about it and I say things like, "Holy shit, look at that chick! If I liked poontang I'd totally do her!" It always makes her laugh. We have fun with it.

Sex is a serious matter, but it should be fun, too. Unfortunately, there's a lot of trial and error in finding the fun stuff and the comfort level you seek. But the trial and error can be fun, too, I guess. :D

[spokes]

it can also be about giving and recieving pleasure as well regardless of the geneer of the persons involved.

[AsianGeek]

My biggest "problem" or question is this: When I see an attractive person of the opposite sex in real life, I am attracted to them. However, about 80% of my fantasies (without looking at any visual stimulation or anything) are with people of the same sex. Thus the confusion. Anyone had a similar experience?

Perhaps you like members of both sexes but you think about the ones of your own sex more. I can honestly say that since I was 8, I have only fantasized about those of the opposite sex.

I'd say you should probably explore your options without being open about it. Don't come out of the closet until you're ready.