Confused - Transitional Relationship?

[RockAngel]

I feel like such a mess. Maybe you guys can shine some light on the subject, or even give me some helpful feedback/advice.

I've been dating/seeing this guy for a little over a month (We'll call him *Joe). Joe is 4 years older than me...met him through one of my co-workers. Joe is mature, driven, kind, thoughtful, and funny. He has his shit together...hard worker, has a good job, and he comes from a nice family. I told him when we first started seeing each other that I wanted to take this SLOWWWW. I told him about my bad break-up with my ex who I was with for 3 years, which only happened in January.

I can tell that Joe really likes me - he pays for almost everything when we go out (even when I offer), he surprised me with a picnic at a park and brought a bottle of wine (my favorite kind of wine...I had told him weeks earlier what that was, and he remembered). Points for Joe! Basically, I can tell that he is probably looking to take this to the next/more serious/exclusive level.

But, I'm conflicted. I decided to make a list, since there seems to be a lot going on in my mind and it gets too confusing even for me:

Personal Upsides of Dating Joe:
- Enjoy spending time with him...he's always up for new experiences, trying different things
- Stimulating conversations
- He's been a "distraction" from thinking about my ex
- Great qualities (listed above)
- If I WANT to think about a "future," he has long-term/serious committment potential

Personal Downsides of Dating Joe:
- Not physically attracted to him
- No butterflies
- Handles himself in a "dorkish" way that makes me LESS physically attracted to him
- Different taste in music, hobbies, and other common interests...and what we do in our spare time.
- He's wayyy ahead of me when it comes to the working world/career...which makes it hard to relate to him sometimes. I'm just starting out, still trying to figure out what the hell I wanna do (confused) and he's kind of "there" already. I try to avoid the WORK subject.

Personal Issues:
- I keep comparing my last relationship/ex to what I currently have with Joe
- I let Joe get close...but not TOO close (I've been putting up a wall)
- I still feel like I want to have fun (at 23 years old), but I don't know if that's just my "immaturity" talking...maybe I'm just scared to move on to a more sophisticated/mature relationship
- I'm very independent....I find it difficult to make sacrifices and compromises for other people as I believe that this time, for me, is to really focus on myself and kind of be selfish so I can be happy with ME.

I don't want to be tied down right now, but I don't want to screw something up that has potential to become something so worth it in the long run.

Ugh, again, I'm just one big mess....constantly playing a tug-of-war with myself and what I want. Any advice or feedback? Constructive criticism? Anyone else ever felt like this?

[and1grad]

I think the fact that, after a month, you're still not attracted to him is a problem.

[KCboy]

I don't want to be tied down right now

I've never understood this phrase when it comes to relationships. A relationship, it seems, shouldn't hinder anything, it should enhance life.


Unless you are talking about in the bedroom.

[KCboy]

- Great qualities (listed above)

uh...that doesn't count as a separate "pro". its just rephrasing the ones you already said.

[wordsmith]

- He's been a "distraction" from thinking about my ex


This is the worst thing, to me. Think if you'd want to be somebody's "distraction," you know? "Uh, I'm not really attracted to you, but the thing is, you distract me from thinking about the person I AM attracted to." Doesn't sound much like relationship material, now, does it?

Don't get me wrong, people we love often DO act as distractions from dwelling on unhealthy things. But if that's ALL the guy has going for him, or one of very few things, not a good sign.


- Different taste in music, hobbies, and other common interests...and what we do in our spare time.

Different tastes and interests can indicate (but don't have to) differences in priorities and values. And differences in priorities and values are usually always insurmountable, in relationships, heralding incompatibility.


- I still feel like I want to have fun (at 23 years old), but I don't know if that's just my "immaturity" talking...maybe I'm just scared to move on to a more sophisticated/mature relationship

Trust me, a sophisticated, mature relationship IS fun. And more than welcome. If being in a stable relationship sounds like something that would hinder your odds of having fun, you might not really be seeking a relationship. Relationships, when they're what you want, ARE fun.

- I'm very independent....I find it difficult to make sacrifices and compromises for other people as I believe that this time, for me, is to really focus on myself and kind of be selfish so I can be happy with ME.

It's not selfish to take time to be alone. It's very important to learn how to be happy alone, especially if you've been somehow conditioned out of it.

And, honestly, you say you don't wanna screw yourself out of something that "has potential"...but if you're not sufficiently interested (whether that's right or wrong) it DOESN'T have potential.

[koolkat1980]

I think you need to be honest with this guy to a certain extent! Perhaps you need to let him know that you're still getting over your ex and ask if you can be 'platonic' friends with him for awhile (some time out) - before taking it to the 'next' level.

He sounds like a good guy with his head screwed on. No guy wants to be 'just the rebound guy!' He would probably be hurt and offended if he found out.

That's the downside for having rebounders! Because basically your 'using' him to distract yourself from bad feelings about your ex which in turn can complicate your life even more!? :rolleyes: This is why I never do rebounders! :0

[gemma-dahl]

Yes, I have felt like that. Before I met my partner, I was dating an engineering professor for a period of about 3 months. I was still a kid - I was working two jobs to get myself established, and so I could save a bit of $$ while paying all my bills and debts. He had 15 years on me, and always paid on dates because he was flush -- I personally don't like that and genuinely do prefer Dutch, so that wasn't very comfortable for me -- and of course, anyone with a PhD in engineering is going to be established in a career. Needless to say, I didn't want to participate in a career discussion, either. And he didn't understand why I needed to work so much (a rather common reaction I get often, anyway).

I got really frustrated when he went out of his way to point out our age differences and our income differences -- and then tried to show me how "hip" he was by listening to music I was into. That, and we never had sex, because unless I was drunk, I was very freaked out about touching him or getting physical. The attraction was not there, and I kept comparing how I felt about him (aka "that spark") to other ppl I'd slept with. It wasn't that he was better looking or worse-looking than anyone else (I've dated all ages and types); it was that the situation wasn't right, period. Sometimes you just know you're not feeling it.

Don't think different interests and music matters as much, though. I'd rather date someone who likes somewhat different music and activities, because I learn about new things. :)