Recent Breakup

[marmat34]

I need advice please. First, I dated this guy for 2 years while I was in college...we broke up because he moved out of state for his job (we did not want long distance). We remained friends for 2 more years after that - talked frequently on the phone and saw each other occassionally....he then asked me to go on a week long trip with a group of friends...I did go and we rekindled things and have been together in a long distance relationship for another 1 year 8 months. We started arguing a lot recently over committment and had some major arguments...too many to explain right now. The intimacy seemed to have gone away about 6 months ago...he was not really kissing me and nothing else had gone on...he actually had initiated things and I turned him down though on one of our recent visits. Well, in the past month we had really started arguing and he told me he was emotionally withdrawn, unhappy, etc....and all along I knew he was not ready for a committment. He broke up with me the day after Valentine's Day....I was there visiting him (there are a lot of details that I am not going into right now). I am now miserable because I love him so much...I flew home without a relationship and lost a good friend. I keep questioning "was our relationship really good or did we just get back together b/c it was comfortable" "was the problem just that he was not ready for committment and I was" etc.... There is of course a lot that I am not writing here but any feedback would be appreciated. I am 27 years old right now and scared...I feel lonely and I have dedicated so much of my heart, time, and energy into this realtionship...I also dated another guy for 6 years prior to that who cheated on me....I also have a Masters degree and can not find a full time job in my field. I am going through my second quarterlife crisis.

[kitalyn414]

welcome marmat - i can relate to your situation. i am currently in an on-again-off again relationship that is long distance & technically off again at the moment (though we talk pretty much every day and even say "i love you" once in a while.) if the relationship is, in fact, completely over, don't feel like you have wasted any time in the relationship. there is no such thing. you are only 27. my mother was married to my father for 15 years and was in her 40s when their marriage fell apart. she doesn't feel like her time was wasted. every relationship you are involved in contributes to who you are. you learn from it and take what you have learned to your next relationship. i guess i would have to ask if you think it was just the distance that broke you up? at this point, if you both wanted to save the relationship could you? what would that involve? would you need to move to be with him? is that sacrifice worth it to you? i ask myself these questions pretty much everyday.

[marmat34]

Thanks kitalyn414. When I look at my relationship I do believe that it was the distance that caused the relationship to end but the big ultimate reason was that I was ready for a committment (marriage) and he was not ready at all. I see it as a waste of time b/c I knew all along he was not ready and I stayed b/c I loved him. I think the distance put a lot of added stress on the both of us and I do wonder if we would survive if it had not been long distance. He is supposed to be moving back to where I live in about a year so I guess I will see what happens then...I am just questioning if we got back together again in the first place because it was confortable or because we truly had a connection.

[Layback]

Although I can't relate to your situation, I can relate to feeling that you have wasted time. I have spent the last year and a half anxious and depressed and I kept banging my head against the wall telling myself not to feel like this because life is too short.

I realized the other day that it was only a short while and that I learned so much and I now understand alot of things from my past that I had not previously understood.

For whatever it's worth, I don;t think there is any such thing as wasted time so long as you use the experience wisely and you grow. Everything we do and that gets dne to us makes us who we are. I love myself. That's the bottom line.

[eclipse9678]

I have also recently been in a relationship similar to yours...early on, we moved across the country together. We were committed for about a year and a half and have been on and off for the past year and a half. There are many differences b/w us, but I think we kept going back b/c we were so comfortable and didn't have very close family and friends around. In the back of my mind, I knew it probably wasn't going to work, but kept going back b/c I loved him.

Now, I guess we are done for good. He still wants to be friends, but I'm having a hard time getting over the fact that I've wasted 3 years. I resent him so much for it. There are many more details, but basically I feel that I have nothing in return for 3 years of mental torture (going back and forth w/ no commitment). Now he's moved on to someone else....and lives 1 mile from me. Now, I'm starting to ramble....I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know that I hear where you're coming from in the sense that you feel you've wasted your time...

[coll214]

What is it w/ ppl breaking up around V-day?? Seems all i know lately... I understand some of what you're going through... Recently broke up w/ b/f, his idea not mine, 2 days after that god afwul 'holiday'. We weren't together all that long, but it still hurt and he wants to be friends... I also got the afraid of committment crap, and he's 36 for goodness sake!!! I bet you guys still had a connection AND the comfort factor just added to it... you were together for quite a while after all... I guess i have no real advice other than to just hang in there...