Is he just not that into me???

[Lucky13]

I met this guy about two weeks ago. One morning I went to get coffee and he was in line when I was coming in. He watched me get my coffee and watched me walk to my car, then he left. The next day again he was getting in his car when I was pulling up to get gas and coffee. He waited in his car while I got my coffee and then finally spoke when I came out. He asked for my number and suggested we go out sometime. Well that was wednesday. He called that day ,thursday, friday and saturday. Well saturday night he was at the same bar/club I was at for a birthday. When I saw him he didn't say much and then basically disappeared for the rest of the night. That was the last time he called (over a week ago). Well when I see him in the mornings he looks at me (kind of intense) sometimes he says hi and sometimes he just acknowledges (sorry i can't spell) I'm there and goes on his way. Since he wasn't really calling I assumed that he wasn't really interested so I made the suggestion to keep it as a friend thing and he said okay. I don't think this is how its supposed to be when two people are interested in each other. He watches me EVERYTIME he sees me but when he's not around (he's truly not around). Am I right in thinking he's not interested. Oh and I text messaged him to see if he wanted to do something this coming weekend and he says "I'm busy saturday. 4 sure but let me get back to you" What the hell does that mean??? Am I reading something wrong or reading too much into that. I'm so confused.

[seasidebreeze]

Here's my two cents. If he was really into you, he'd be around more to make getting to know you a priority. Since it seems he's not doing that, why waste any more time on him right now? Plus if you show him you're not interested in his games, he may realize he has to shape up.

[ScottyTheBody]

Yeah or he was a little shy and after you mentioned you should be friends he just gave up on the idea. Just as a heads up DON'T tell someone your interested in that you just want to be friends UNLESS you just want to be friends.

Also, maybe he really is busy on Saturday. If he doesn't get back maybe he really isn't interested.

[Lucky13]

I'm so bad at reading people but this one I'm truly stumped and so far good points have been made by you guys. When I made the friend comment I didn't even think he was gonna respond. I just kinda wanted to see what would happen if I said it. Either way I guess I'm okay with. I would like more but it just seems the way things are going he may not be it (highly likely) but I would also not mind having more male friends. help!!

[AsianGeek]

Chances are that he's attracted to you but he's not really sure where he stands with you. With most guys, if you make your intentions more clear with him, he'll make his intentions more clear to you. And also, if he already has plans then he already has plans. Don't read it as anything else unless he does it to you very consistently.

[Lucky13]

I appreciate the advice so far. I'll just keep everyone posted about whats happening. I've never been so confused about whether I'm being rejected or not. I don't want anyone to spare feelings (thats what my friends seem to be doing). I think I need the tough love and someone be "real with me". I guess I'm confused be'c of the way he looks at me and acts when we see each other. Then the fact that he even responds to my text messages. The fact that he doesn't initiate phone calls or text messages makes me think he's truly not interested. When I'm not interested in someone I don't respond to messages or speak when I see them. The same has happened with other guys in the past. I was expecting him to do the same. Hence my confusion...rejected or not???

[Hez]

I met this girl about two weeks ago. I was in line for coffee when she was coming in, and I couldn't take my eyes off her the whole time, I hope she didn't notice I was staring. The next day I was getting into my car when she pulled up to get gas and coffee. I waited around rehearsing what to say and then I just kind of blundered the conversation, but I managed to ask her if she wanted to hang out some time, and I got her number. Well, that was Wednesday. I called the same day, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Pretty unambiguous that I'm interested, right? But the next time we saw each other it was by chance.

Saturday night I was at the same bar/club she was at, but it looked like she was with someone else. I couldn't seem to get anything out because I didn't know what to do, and I ended up just staying with the people I knew because I at least felt comfortable around familiar faces.

That was the last time I called (over a week ago).

Now I see her in the mornings and it's still hard to take my eyes off her, but I feel like I screwed up and I don't know what to say. I never got any kind of solid indication that I was on the right track, so maybe she was just humoring me. One of my friends said I should pretend she isn't there and then she'll be interested, and another one says I should just be polite and she'll eventually give me some kind of "go ahead or go away" indication. One day I saw her and tried to make conversation, and she made the suggestion to keep it as a friend thing. I said okay. What else could I do? I don't think this is how it's supposed to be when two people are interested in each other. Am I right in thinking she's not interested? Oh and I got a text message from her about doing something on the weekend, but I couldn't go. I said I wanted to go out some other time, but if it happens, is that even progress if she just wants to be friends?

[Lucky13]

Are you serious or is this a joke??? If this is "for real" which I'm thinking its not...what did she do to make you think she was with someone else??? Was she dancing all over people droppin' it like its hot in her booty shorts??? What did you say to her the last time you talked to her on the phone??? How exactly did she ask you to be friends??? I truly wish I could take your message seriously.thanks for humoring me

[spiritedaway]

Hey Lucky,

Hez's post is just used to demonstrate how the guy in your situation could see things, from his point of view.

Quite frankly, I'm a little puzzled why you would tell the guy you want to be friends if you're interested in him as possibly more. The only time I have ever told a guy that I wanted to be friends is when I'm definitely sure (thoughts have gone into it) and he's making me feel uncomfortable by trying to be more than friends.

I can see why the guy is confused. He could think you're playing games. If you don't contact him (or he doesn't contact you anymore), then well, take it as a valuable lesson learned.

[Lucky13]

my word I guess i'm not that smart today either. I feel kind of sheepish:cry: I swear I'm on the road to be the cat lady.I truly didn't see it that way of course the ending result is me feeling like an ass. I could see what Hez and you are saying. I guess I was just thinking I'd rather be friends then nothing...he seemed nice. Yesterday he texted me just saying "whats up girl" but thats about it. Of course Ms.negative-town (that would be me) was thinking...maybe he sent it to me on accident.

[Hez]

my word I guess i'm not that smart today either. I feel kind of sheepish:cry: I swear I'm on the road to be the cat lady...

I don't really think your reactions are any different from the vast majority of other women (unfortunately). Major points I was trying to make: Men aren't all douchebags who would just as soon date one woman as another, letting rejection slide off our backs like so much water. We don't like having to take 100% of the rejection risk. Also, we hate mixed signals and that's the majority of what we seem to get. If we risk a little in asking you out, we expect you to take a little risk in return rather than sit around waiting to be courted.

Also, some of us are shy, but your original post didn't seem to take that into account. If you want a straight answer, ask him a straight question. I know you don't want to feel awkward, but neither does he. If you want to know what's up, you just have to brass it out.

[spiritedaway]

Hey,

Don't worry about it - it happens to all of us. Relationship stuff is confusing. If he's still texting you, it likely means that he's still interested. Go hang out if you have the opportunity; don't read too much into things and just have fun. I know it's easier said than done, but it'll make your life easier.

Also, (and I could totally be off base) but don't focus solely on a relationship and having someone else in your life. I know it's incredibly cliche, but it'll be a lot easier if you are happy and confident of who you are as a person first. There is truth in that old saying.


my word I guess i'm not that smart today either. I feel kind of sheepish:cry: I swear I'm on the road to be the cat lady.I truly didn't see it that way of course the ending result is me feeling like an ass. I could see what Hez and you are saying. I guess I was just thinking I'd rather be friends then nothing...he seemed nice. Yesterday he texted me just saying "whats up girl" but thats about it. Of course Ms.negative-town (that would be me) was thinking...maybe he sent it to me on accident.

[Lucky13]

Okay so here's what I got so far. I really didn't take into account that guys get nervous and it is true that a bulk of the pressure is on them. I texted him today and it was back and forth a bit (of course my friend thinks I'm chasing him)...if we're just friends that doesn't count. Anyway he called me and we actually taked for a bit. He told me that he doesn't approach women a lot be'c he gets nervous. I just didn't expect it and I don't know why. My friend is on the same page as most of you thinking that I don't "just want to be friends" with him but I can't bare that sad noise people give me when things don't work out or that diappointed look. I don't want to put pressure or high expectations on something that hasn't even developed. I don't want to feel like the hunter and not the prey...just friends for now. And if it doesn't work out that way then so be it...no love lost right?? I put expectations on things and they always (at least a majority of the time) don't work out. this way I don't want to feel bad or get the sad face or noise from people...I hate that pity crap.

[AsianGeek]

I really don't think that it's fair to always expect the guys to initiate everything. Although he should probably take some initiative. But from what I've seen so far, this is probably an indication that he's not a very good "hunter" so to speak. Personally, I have a lot more respect for girls who are more aggressive since I have first hand experience as to how hard it can be. 90% of the time, I doubt that I'd ever reject a girl that makes the first move if I'm attracted to her.

[LaFille]

Personally, I have a lot more respect for girls who are more aggressive since I have first hand experience as to how hard it can be. 90% of the time, I doubt that I'd ever reject a girl that makes the first move if I'm attracted to her.

I totally have sympathy for guys in this respect.

However, at the risk of sounding like we're in 1950, every good relationship I have ever had has been one where the guy did the pursuing. Maybe that's coincidence, but I'm just saying...

[Lucky13]

LaFille, I've heard a lot of women and men say what you're saying. I don't think it's a 1950's thing at all...its just kind of the way things have always been. I agree with a lot of it but I have an agressive personality so its hard for me not to say something when I want to....that is unless the guy makes me super nervous.I see what a few guys on here have said about girls taking a risk. I think it depends on the people and the situation. I'm surprised to say that on my way home from work (well I wasn't even out of the parking lot yet) when "bob the builder" asked me to hang out today. We'll see if this goes smoothly. My plan is just the friend thing (which he agreed to).

[ScottyTheBody]

I totally have sympathy for guys in this respect.

However, at the risk of sounding like we're in 1950, every good relationship I have ever had has been one where the guy did the pursuing. Maybe that's coincidence, but I'm just saying...

It's funny because the only marriages that I know of that have lasted beyond like 5 years were ones where the women always told me that they asked out there husbands first. I think my brother will be the first one next year that I can think of where it lasted beyond 5 years and the guy had asked the girl out.

Now of course it makes NO difference who did the pursuing and who didn't (if anyone didn't, lol), it's just weird I suppose.

[gracie]

well, i guess he was into you and then changed his mind. we don't know his reasons but that's how it is. he can't be shy coz he asked for your number and that's way out of him being shy. if a guy is into you, he will not wait even just a day to get in touch with you and be with you. if you feel awkward seeing him in the coffeeshop, find another one close by, you'll never know, there might be another hot guy waiting in line and be really into you.:)

[Lucky13]

He and I actually had a good talk monday night and then yesterday he asked me if he could stop by and hang out. It wasn't late at all.We talked and watched t.v.. It was actually good conversation. I said that I was okay with just being friends but....he kissed me before he left.

[fuzmiq]

I hear ya, Fille. I do not like doing the pursuing. I feel like, if somebody likes you (even if he is shy) he will let you know. That's a fix that I am in currently.

[LaFille]

I hear ya, Fille. I do not like doing the pursuing. I feel like, if somebody likes you (even if he is shy) he will let you know. That's a fix that I am in currently.
Yeah definitely.

In the past I was more likely to be more aggressive but I realized that it always worked better when it was the other way around. Maybe I'm more attracted to and compatible with the kind of man who goes after a woman he wants. To me, it seems natural, but of course that is me, and everyone sees it differently...

My boyfriend said when a man meets a woman he is truly crazy about, it's pretty much black and white and he'll do anything to be with her. Actually that came up during a discussion about the movie The Graduate... that would be the ultimate example :p

[Lucky13]

I don't disagree and I think a lot of you make great points. I kinda wanted to be excited about the fact that we spent some time together(he asked) and he kissed me!!! I see what you all are saying though...point taken: let the guy pursue.

[and1grad]

I think the point is more "do what works for you" rather than a he should pursue or she should pursue tenet.

[IPlanTheCity]

congrats on him kissing you! i know that was probably such a huge release!

[Lucky13]

After the drought I've had....yes yes yes...it was a huge relief / release.Thanks City, glad someone noticed I said that.And it sure was a blast. At least now I know he's attracted to me. I just want to see where things go from here w/out the pressure. I work two jobs and he's got his son and side jobs (along w/ a full time job), so were both pretty busy.We'll see what happens.

[Lucky13]

Final thoughts: It seems like I never have any good news to report when I post on this site. I just wanted to say for the most part whoever said he wasn't interested or had their doubts was right. Since he's been here to visit me last week I haven't heard from him and he's stopped coming to the gas station. I should have listened to you all from the first post but lesson learned....I guess. I'm just kinda down now be'c this happens all of the time, not just with this guy. I'm truly not feeling optimistic about the whole relationship idea right now.Anyway, thanks for everyones opinion on my post. He would have been more active if he was truly interested.

[KCboy]

men can persue, I don't mind that chore.

but women need to give clear signs that they are interested.

I don't think most of us like jumping into a rejection.

[Lucky13]

I figured since he hadn't been making moves that being friends was the next option which is what I gave him and he agreed. I'm sure us "messing around" didn't help. So I suppose I wasn't clear about what I wanted. Ah well doesn't matter now be'c he's gone....at least thats the way it seems.

[KCboy]

being friends was the next option which is what I gave him and he agreed.

of course he did. there's not much choice at that point.

and it might be the reason he's gone. "friends" is usually a nice way of saying "f off"

[fuzmiq]

So, you mentioned a "clear sign." Just wondering. What constitutes a clear sign? Smiling, flirting, unnecessary touching, laughing, calling, emailing, texting. How much does a girl have to do?

[and1grad]

So, you mentioned a "clear sign." Just wondering. What constitutes a clear sign? Smiling, flirting, unnecessary touching, laughing, calling, emailing, texting. How much does a girl have to do?
I think you need the unnecessary touching really. The other stuff, meh. Friends do that. Also, just to throw it in there, she could actually ask HIM out. Not preferable, I realize, but always an option.

[volkan]

i have been doing same thing..maybe you are that girl who i watch her..i wish you weren't her..got willing!!!:) yes i am watching a girl..yes i talked her..and i think that she likes me and so am i..but i won't continue..because,,i may hurt her..i thing following her and not talking her is the best way.untill i forget...really i am not normal..:cry: anyone can help me.??

[KCboy]

So, you mentioned a "clear sign." Just wondering. What constitutes a clear sign? Smiling, flirting, unnecessary touching, laughing, calling, emailing, texting. How much does a girl have to do?

touching, flirting are the best signs for me.

also persuing a little. not necessarily asking out, but keeping yourself in the forefront of his mind.

[Lucky13]

Okay, I need more help then. If I told him that I wanted to just be friends and he had the option to say no thanks and he didn't...why not. Also he came over and we had unneccessary touching and flirting but why do all that and then disappear. I texted him friday but he had his son and haven't heard from him since. I would think he would make every effort to "get some" and then disappear. We've only passed each other driving to and from work but thats about it. I'm such an impulse thinker...when the thought comes it seems genius at the time and then after the fact I question the plan...like telling him I just wanted to be friends. He kissed me which is something i don't do with my friends. To be honest he seemed nice enough for us to just be friends be'c we have a lot in common (minus the fact that he likes the cubs and has a son). Was he just bored and had nothing else to do so he asked to come over??? He told me that he had a bunch of stuff to do that day but none of it happened. I'm stumped. I erased his telephone number for the millionth time and deleted all his text messages so I wouldn't be tempted. I feel like I'm coming on a bit strong so I'm giving him space...although I can't say I'd be shocked if he didn't come back around (story of my life).

[KCboy]

If I told him that I wanted to just be friends and he had the option to say no thanks and he didn't...why not.

You had barely met, not even touched on a relationship. How is he supposed to react when you say you just want to be friends? “I can’t do that, I’ve fallen deeply in love in the 3 hours I’ve known you.”

If someone tells me they want to be friend, I assume it means they are not interested. I move on, and that’s probably what this guy did.

You could always ask him again if he wants to get together, but keep it friendly in your own mind, pretend it’s a woman or someone you have no interest in. But if he blows you off again then just move on.

[ScottyTheBody]

So, you mentioned a "clear sign." Just wondering. What constitutes a clear sign? Smiling, flirting, unnecessary touching, laughing, calling, emailing, texting. How much does a girl have to do?

Some of that is a clear sign. However saying "let's just be friends" to cover yourself, doesn't cover yourself and in fact it often nullifies ALL of the signs you were giving before.

If a girl says "let's just be friends", I'll take it as she just wants to be friends. If she had given me some of those signs before and then she said that, I'd take it as she's just naturally friendly/flirty but really wants nothing more than friends.

How else are you supposed to take it? Assume she just LIED about that and we're supposed to IGNORE what she says. It's kind of like a preemptive rejection (had he felt feelings for her). Also if you do end up ignoring that, what do you ignore later on and when is she telling the truth about her feelings? If she says she's angry, is she really angry? If she says she cares about you, does she or is it a sort of ploy to get you to do or say something? If you take the person at face value it's much easier.

[Lucky13]

Before I proposed the friend idea...I hadn't given any signs. He called me up until the bar/club event. After that it was occasional text from me and responses from him. I don't know what kind of signals I could have given. In hind-sight maybe the friend thing was a bad idea. I'm sure I could have gone about it differently. I'm sure it didn't help that every time he would say something about us hooking up later I would say maybe. He said that he only does the deed w/ girls he's dating and he's super picky about that kind of thing. The way he was talking was like he wanted to do that with me (or so I thought) eventually. I just didn't want to make him feel like the pressure was on to make anything happen.I don't know what other signals I could have given to let him know I was interested. I should just give up...I can't imagine what he thinks of me now. I have thought about what the problem could be every time things don't work out with a guy from : is it me to it's him. I've thought about the places I go to or the "type" of guy I'm interested in. I've thought about how i present myself and the conversations I have. When people used to ask me why I'm single I always had a reason. Now I'm kind of to the point of just saying "be'c I'm me". Then after that I get the stupid cliche's of "oh he'll come when you're not looking". Well this guy came when I was thinking about my hair and look how that turned out. I've been focusing on me and improving myself and all that other stuff people tell you when things don't work out. I can't give up guys be'c not that many come around and the same goes for giving out my number (no one really asks).I am officially out of options.....so bummed (insert sad face here)

[fuzmiq]

I think for me a "clear sign" is nothing short of saying, "hey, I like you," 5th grade math class style. Cause other than that, I get super confused. I am a girl by the way.

A guy I like (i know him through dancing) dances with me like he doesn't with anyone else and me the same. We have so much chemistry that MANY other people have commented on it. He has done the unnecessary touching, teasing bit. But (for the most part) I am the one that initiates contact with him (phone, text, facebook etc.). (He lives in another city)

I just don't wanna be an arse and misconstrue what signals he is giving. So instead, I just chalk it up to another one biting the dust.

Where is the line between sending signals and just looking hella desparate?

[LaFille]

I think for me a "clear sign" is nothing short of saying, "hey, I like you," 5th grade math class style.
This works :D

[Lucky13]

if you don't want to look "hella desperate" do the opposite of everything i've done. I think I'm holding on to a lot of bad experiences from my past so saying I am interested and would like to know him is like turn worms into lobster for me....I can't do it.This experience has been chalked up for me...I realize...he's just not that into me. But maybe when I'm comfortable I can be more straight forward.

[KCboy]

you are just over-analyzing and spooking yourself.

if you like a guy, it may be easier to just reciprocate everything he does for a while. if he calls once a week, you call once a week, etc. This will keep you from out-thinking yourself, and show an equal amount of interest as he is. If he's interested, it'll become apparent. (just a thought)

[ScottyTheBody]

you are just over-analyzing and spooking yourself.

if you like a guy, it may be easier to just reciprocate everything he does for a while. if he calls once a week, you call once a week, etc. This will keep you from out-thinking yourself, and show an equal amount of interest as he is. If he's interested, it'll become apparent. (just a thought)

That is actually a really good approach. Or initiate something and wait for reciprocation.

[Lucky13]

you are just over-analyzing and spooking yourself.

if you like a guy, it may be easier to just reciprocate everything he does for a while. if he calls once a week, you call once a week, etc. This will keep you from out-thinking yourself, and show an equal amount of interest as he is. If he's interested, it'll become apparent. (just a thought)



Oh boy tell me about it. I went on my lunch to get gas and some snacks and he was there. This place is in between both of our jobs so I was chancing it going there. I never go to this place but my job gave gift cards as a prize. I didn't talk to him and I don't know if he saw me but he heard me apologize for almost running into someone near him (no that was not on purpose). By the time I actually got to the line he was gone.Which was good be'c I don't want things to be weird (even though they already are for me). My stomach was in knots the whole time we were in there together.When I was standing in line I saw him drive past looking inside the store(not sure he was looking at me). I over-analyze everything (especially relationships). I've chalked this one up ...at least I'm tryin to.

[Hez]

So, you mentioned a "clear sign." Just wondering. What constitutes a clear sign? Smiling, flirting, unnecessary touching, laughing, calling, emailing, texting. How much does a girl have to do?

Stop focusing on "What is a sign?" and start focusing on clarity. If you do all those things and then wait three days to return my phone call, then I either think you aren't interested or I think less of you for playing high school dating games. Either way, the result will be the same because I didn't get a clear sign-I got mixed messages.

And how much does a girl have to do? I don't know. How much does a guy have to do? Does it really take a lightning bolt for you to ask a guy out? I'll never understand why people enforce silly, arbitrary rules upon themselves and then wonder why other people are confused.

[fuzmiq]

Yeah, Hez, I don't think I have sent ANY mixed messages. If there are any mixed messages, it is from HIS side alone. Seriously. You are right tho, it does feel like high school.

I don't think they are arbitrary rules though. I mean, to me, it is common sense.

If he and I lived in the same city, it would be easier, but we don't. I drove the 3 hours it takes to get to his city only for him to act awkwardly and barely talk to me. At the same time, there is most definitely a physical attraction. That part I know for sure.

And I appreciate the advice only to do as much as he does. Which is pretty much what I have been doing. But I initiate...every time.

[KCboy]

I initiate...every time.

if this is true, on multiple occassions not just one, don't initiate for once and see what happens.


or just sleep with the guy.

sex is natural, sex is fun. sex is best when its one on one.

[fuzmiq]

Thanks for the advice, KCboy. Love the George Michael reference. :)

[Lucky13]

I'm definitely going to take kcboy's advice (minus the sex)...taking the backseat approach so to speak and let the guy initiate for once.Although the sex thing sounds good too...ha ha