Am i a bad spouse?

[Bunny]

So I met my husband in highschool at the innocent age of 14. We were married at 20, sailed through some really choppy waters, but managed to stay together. Now we’re approaching our 12th anniversary.

I have a good job and work 40 hours a week, I take care of paying the bills, and doing all of the household chores, including cooking (I love to cook) – and I’m happy enough to do all of those things. I stay in shape, and I’m active physically as well as with my/our hobbies. So I don’t think I’m a lousy spouse in that regard.

Here’s where the lousy part comes in. I don’t find him attractive. He lost any muscle definition he had in the place of flab. The lack of attraction makes any kind of sexual encounters a real chore, when I can’t avoid them all together. He hates exercise, if we can’t drive we can’t go, and forget going any further than a 15 minute trip into town. He hates anything that doesn’t correspond with his own ideas and opinions and makes snide comments. He walks around grouchy and miserable half the time, the rest of the time his cell phone is glued to his ear. For a long time I tried playing the relationship cheerleader, forcing myself to be chipper and clown around to try to lighten his moods, but all that did was wear me down because he certainly didn’t find anything I did or said to be fun. More and more I feel caged because just going for a girl’s night out to the movies (and being home by 9:15) is a reason for mistrust and stalag-style questioning.

More and more I wonder why we’re together, is every relationship like this? Is this what marriage is? Am I a bad spouse for not trying harder? And the piece de résistance; I don’t want kids. I never have, and he’s been aware of this since we were kids ourselves. We don’t even argue much anymore because I do what I need to avoid conflict, but when we do, this little tidbit is his favorite weapon. “I gave up any chance I ever had to have kids just to be with you,” I’ll ask him why is he with me then, and he says, “because I want to be with you!” You could have fooled me. I wish he’d go off and find a girl to have kids with. Then maybe he wouldn’t be so miserable all the time.

Does it make me a bad woman for not having that motherly instinct?

[stephly21]

I don't think it makes you a bad person for not having any motherly instinct. Some people just don't want kids, and that is fine. But if your husband knew you never wanted kids he probably thought you might change your mind later in life. But that is his fault. That is a huge problem in this relationship because he might hold that over your head forever. I would seek counseling for this and other topics and see how that works.

[red]

not at all- kids are a lot of work and you shouldn't have them if your heart is not in it. it's really not fair of him to hold that against you, providing you were honest about it beforehand.

have you been married 12 years now? am i reading your post correctly? did you ever go for counseling?

[Bocheezu]

He walks around grouchy and miserable half the time, the rest of the time his cell phone is glued to his ear.

If that's not normal behavior, what's causing him to do it?

[KCboy]

from what you have said, it doesn't sound like you are the bad spouse, he is.

but it would be interesting to hear his point of view.

[KCboy]

So I met my husband in highschool at the innocent age of 14. We were married at 20, sailed through some really choppy waters, but managed to stay together. Now we’re approaching our 12th anniversary.

you were in high school at 14?

[KCboy]

this is why marriage at such a young age can be a problem.

you are both now in your early 30's and may have discovered that you've done a lot of growing since you were in high school and want different things now.

Of all the couples i knew in college that ran off to get married as soon as they graduated, I think at least 75% are now divorced. And I graduated a mere 5 years ago.

[arrow]

It doesn't sound like you are the bad spouse. It sounds like you've put in a lot of effort, and he's not contributing his share, emotionally. It also sounds like he thinks he doesn't have to contribute because he's "sacrificing" having children for you, and that's enough work for him. Wow, if you really feel like he should find another woman to have kids with, that's certainly reason to examine the relationship more closely. He could be depressed, and that's something to look into. Counseling first, and then examine your other options if counseling doesn't help. Seriously, it doesn't sound like you'd be too happy living like this for the rest of your life. You've done a lot and now you have to stop blaming yourself for his actions.

[Bunny]

Yes, i've always been open about not wanting to have kids. My family understands my feelings and thankfully respects my decision. However, my inlaws and his grandmothers hound us about it. So when he holds it over my head in an arguement it's pretty hurtful.

If that's not normal behavior, what's causing him to do it?

Not that it's abnormal, when all we had was a land line he was always in the garage on the phone. Having the cell phone only increased the amount of time he's on the phone. He got a cell phone 3 years ago when he started his business - it was meant to be his business line, however everyone uses that number now instead of calling our land line. At first he hated cell phones and used to criticize public cell phone use, now he'll interrupt one of our few evenings out by taking a call during dinner.

Red: yes, we've been married 12 years. About 5 years ago we were going through a rough patch and i said we needed to see a marriage counselor. Before going we discussed how things were going downhill and i explained to him some of the problems i've noticed. At our first session he told the counselor he had no idea anything was wrong. My jaw must have been on the floor. We had a few sessions after that but he's really good at turning things around. So after that experience i'm skeptical that more counseling would make a difference.

Thanks to everyone for your comments. Re-reading my post i thought it sounded kind of whiny - my intent wasn't to look for pity. I just feel like i'm failing at marriage and could use some direction.

[KCboy]

not to hijack the thread or anything, but I think its great to see there are women out there that sincerely don't want to have kids.

every time I date a woman my age (25-30), they are obsessed with having kids as quickly as possible, and run for the hills as soon as I say I'm not really interested.

I've nearly given up dating them, and shoot for younger 20's or mid-30's.

[Bunny]

you were in high school at 14?

9th grade? In my area that was considered high school

[Bunny]

but it would be interesting to hear his point of view.

i agree.

[KCboy]

9th grade? In my area that was considered high school

hmmm, that is right. wow, I can't believe I was in HS at such a young age. I always think of 18 as HS.

[and1grad]

I'm stunned that the counselor found nothing wrong with anything you've just explained.

[Bunny]

I'm stunned that the counselor found nothing wrong with anything you've just explained.

She just seemed to think we had a communication problem. She said we should "schedule meetings". In other words, pick a day once or twice a week to go over things, and to even make a list of what each of us wanted to talk about so we didn't get off track. We tried that for a while.

[and1grad]

She just seemed to think we had a communication problem. She said we should "schedule meetings". In other words, pick a day once or twice a week to go over things, and to even make a list of what each of us wanted to talk about so we didn't get off track. We tried that for a while.
Not to sound like I'm some kind of professional but, I really cant see any reason why that would work. You mentioned that your husband was good at spinning things. Can you give an example? Also, you mentioned paying the bills and having a good job and that your husband has a business/personal line...is that business actually bringing in income or are you essentially supporting him?

[Bunny]

Not to sound like I'm some kind of professional but, I really cant see any reason why that would work. You mentioned that your husband was good at spinning things. Can you give an example? Also, you mentioned paying the bills and having a good job and that your husband has a business/personal line...is that business actually bringing in income or are you essentially supporting him?

First of all, i have a terrible memory. I tend to not remember details of arguments. But in the heat of an argument i get flustered easily, he'll make a statement like "I'll go to so-and-so's if i want, nobody tells me what do to" the argument will progress and i'll go back and say "if nobody tells you what to do, then why are you telling me what to do" and he'll say "that's not what i said, i said blah-blah-blah". And I'm already so upset i don't think to correct him.

As far as who's supporting who, my job provides health insurance and retirement savings. To which he contributes nothing. Otherwise we have separate bank accounts and split bills and groceries 50/50. At the end of the month i do the bills and he gives me a check for half. As long as he can cover his half of the bills i have nothing to complain about. Separate bank accounts alleviated a lot of stress and is one of the reasons we don't argue as much anymore.

[prgrl22]

hmmm, that is right. wow, I can't believe I was in HS at such a young age. I always think of 18 as HS.

I was 13 when I entered high school, and turned 18 while I was already in college.

I think the average age to enter high school is 14 and 18 for graduation.