Am I being unreasonable?

[ebruening]

I am getting married on Friday. It is a civil ceremony, as my fiance and I are not religious. Both my mother's family and my father's family are staunchly Catholic; every one of my cousins on my mom's side who has married has married a fellow Catholic, or married someone who converted to Catholicism. A cousin of mine on my mom's side got married in a big Catholic ceremony last weekend, where everybody in my mom's sizable family was invited. Our wedding is a small, immediate-family-only ceremony, with an immediate-family-only dinner following. My extended family makes a big deal out of engagements and weddings, even when my cousin and his wife had an immediate-family-only Catholic ceremony a few years back. Except for one cousin-in-law on my mom's side, nobody on either side of my extended family has said anything nice about our plans. My grandma is "disturbed" that we're marrying in a civil ceremony, and says that we'll be "living in sin." Even my own parents are "disappointed" that my fiance and I are not religious, and refuse to have a Catholic ceremony because, for us, it would be meaningless. My mom has said that our wedding is probably not being viewed as "real," because it's not Catholic. My dad has said that he's supposed to be happy about this, but instead, he feels like he's "walking around with a scarlet A" on his chest, and "avoiding conversations."

I know how my extended family responds to news about engagements and weddings, and their lack of response is completely atypical. Nobody has offered to throw me a bridal shower (not that I would have wanted one, but it would have been nice for someone to offer), and I've been informed that we won't be receiving wedding gifts. (I expected this, because we're only having immediate family; people only send gifts when they're invited to the wedding...but that should go without saying, the abrupt manner in which the "no gifts" policy was stated really hurt.) Nobody in my family, besides my one cousin-in-law, has even said "congratulations."

I know this rejection is taking place because we're having a civil ceremony, and not a Catholic ceremony. I love my fiance, he's a good man, and he has tried his best to be polite to my family, but they can't stand him because he's not religious (read: atheist.) I can't help but feel slighted, because I know we're not being treated as the rest of my family members have been treated, when they've gotten engaged and have married...granted, we're not having a religious ceremony, but I didn't think that people would respond so coldly to that aspect of our wedding. I know that my family isn't happy about my decision, but am I being unreasonable to want to hear SOMETHING nice from them? I know I need to "get over it," but it's the week I'm getting married, and I always thought I'd be happy, instead of crying every 2 hours over the fact that almost nobody in my family supports our decision.

[Jersey_Steve]

I don't think you're being unreasonable... but I think you should have expected the fallout. You say that your family is "staunchly Catholic" and that you're marrying an atheist. I would imagine it's quite the slap-in-the-face to parents who tried to raise a "good Catholic girl."

If you knew that your family is this religious, you should have just gone through the motions of a Catholic wedding, if only to make the family happy. It might mean nothing to you, but it means a lot of them. And then have had a small reception because "we want to save money for a house" or some other reason.

And how did they find out your guy is atheist? You had to have known that wasn't going to be taken warmly. That would have been a secret to keep.

It's sad they don't support you, but I think you should have seen this coming.

[ebruening]

If you knew that your family is this religious, you should have just gone through the motions of a Catholic wedding, if only to make the family happy. It might mean nothing to you, but it means a lot of them. And then have had a small reception because "we want to save money for a house" or some other reason.

And how did they find out your guy is atheist? You had to have known that wasn't going to be taken warmly. That would have been a secret to keep.

It's sad they don't support you, but I think you should have seen this coming.

They found out he's atheist because they did checking online, and because they asked him, point-blank, what religion he followed. When he said, "I don't have a religion," they said, "what does that mean?" He politely answered that he was atheist. Since our engagement, he willingly attends my family members' Catholic weddings and funerals, and he will attend church events when they are centered around family holidays or celebrations, because they're events that are important to me. However, he doesn't say the prayers and doesn't go up for a communion blessing. It would have come out eventually.

A Catholic ceremony isn't acceptable for either one of us. Nothing bothers me more than to see people who "go through the motions" in religious ceremonies (i.e. their wedding, baptizing children) solely to please their families. In my opinion, that is disrespectful to those who ascribe to that particular religion, if you're just doing it for the sake of appearances. However, going to a family's member's Catholic wedding or Catholic funeral, or even attending mass (but not participating) for the sake of a family event is acceptable to me, because it's my way of showing support for those around whom the service revolves (family). In my own wedding, though, when I'm making my own vows, it's not acceptable for me to just "go through the motions." Hopefully the distinction I'm making makes sense to others...

Yes, I expected the fallout. All I'm saying is that "going my own way" does hurt a lot.

[arrow]

You are not being unreasonable at all, and in this situation, it just seems like there was nothing you could have done to prevent the family fallout. They'll just have to get over it - and that's up to them, not you. I'm sorry you have to deal with their crap, though. It's not fair to you.

At any rate, I hope you have a good time at your wedding despite them. It's your wedding! Congratulations!

[Pummel]

This is actually a great scenario for you to manipulate your family with.

Ask your family to pay for your wedding ceremony since it means so much to them and it means nothing to you. If that doesn't work, guilt-trip your staunchly-catholic grandmother into doing it. (just kidding, but not really). This way, if they refuse to pay for it, they no longer can pin the sole reason for not having a wedding onto you; after all, you were willing to have the wedding, they were just too cheap to pay for it.

If it actually goes through, just think of it as a big party for you and your husband. You really don't have much to lose other than a weekend (and possibly a weekday for the hangover).

If they still blame you/shun you after saying no to paying for it, cite that you simply don't have the finances for it. If they STILL blame you, ask them to pay for the 300-400 it costs for a priest. Surely you can afford 300-400, you say. If they refuse, then obviously it is not about the wedding itself, but they care about more materialistic things such as the size of the wedding, etc, which you can use as an argument to exonerate yourself from blame.

Win-win situation, either you get your family off your back, or you get your family off your back + a big cake.

edit: + wedding gifts too

edit2: of which you can ebay and make more money off of your family with.

[Samwell]

To me the answer is crystal clear - No, you're not being unreasonable. Your family is. They're also being incredibly selfish because most of what you describe is simple embarrassment and concern over saving face.

I'm also an atheist with a real distaste for religious lip service, so I salute your courage in making this important milestone in your life a truly meaningful experience rather than knuckling under to well-meaning but self-serving family. I truly hope your immediate family (at least) can look past their own discomfort and realize how unfair and selfish they're being in time to celebrate your special day.

Congratulations!

[Bocheezu]

All I'm saying is that "going my own way" does hurt a lot.

When is going against the grain ever an easy thing to do?

[hoodie]

I'm so sorry, EB. I wanna reach across the internets and give you a big hug right now, because I am about to say something very unpleasant that you're probably already aware of.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Your family is. But being in the right isn't really making you feel any better, nor is your family anywhere near realizing this. From your first ever post about the way your family treats your boyfriend, your family has come across to be very set in their ways and unwilling to accept him as family, and I think they're doing everything possible to make this difficult for you in hopes that you'll see what they feel to be the error of your ways. And no, I don't think anything is going to change before your wedding from the way it sounds. At best, they may realize after years of him being polite to them and bringing you true happiness, that he is what's best for you after all. Then again, they may not.

Right now, you deserve to be happy. All I can offer is to try and be happy; you're marrying a man you love who loves you back and you have the future of the family you create together to think about here and that future is wide open. You can make your own rules now, and your family, I don't doubt, will harbor much more tolerance towards others than the one you were raised in. There's something to be said for that.

And yet, I know that in your position, I'd be totally crushed if my family wasn't accepting my wedding as valid. You have every right to be disappointed and sad, but at some point, the focus needs to be on you and your husband alone, and off of your family and their prejudices.

I don't know what to say other than to wish you luck, along with MY warmest congradulations; love is rare and precious and you deserve to celebrate yours!

[wordsmith]

Erika, your family is rude and cruel. They are not being anything resembling loving or caring. Not content to get on their high horses and leave it at that, they are instead preferring to hijack your celebration of marriage and make it about them and their judgments and hangups. They are taking the focus off you and your happiness and throwing the spotlight on themselves and their lack of manners and extreme self-righteousness. What they are doing is very, very ugly and meanspirited. It is not how people who care about others operate.

The only people that will view your wedding as "not real" are your family. It's not unreasonable to expect to hear soemthing nice regarding your nuptials. But it is unreasonable to expect that it's going to come from these people, who are clearly hell-bent on showing their asses. They don't have that kind of class in them.

[wordsmith]

If you knew that your family is this religious, you should have just gone through the motions of a Catholic wedding, if only to make the family happy. It might mean nothing to you, but it means a lot of them.

BS, I say, Erika, for what it's worth. It's your wedding, your marriage, your life, not theirs. I would never in a million years let somebody tell me I SHOULDN'T have a religious wedding ceremony if it were meaningful to me to do so (and it is), and if it's meaningful for you to have a secular one, that's really no different. It's not your family's choice. Period. It's not their day, it's not their marriage, it's not about them or their beliefs or their wants. It is about you and what is meaningful TO YOU. No WAY should you EVER feel badly for making the choice to have a personal ceremony in a way that is personally meaningful, or to avoid getting bullied into something you never wanted.

I also think you DID know to expect this, all along, and DID see it coming. You've posted about it many times. You had to know they weren't going to magically wake up this week with changes of hearts and smile on the whole thing benevolently, having seen the light and the error of their ways.

But I know it still hurts, and I do understanding hoping for something like that in the back of your mind.

[pisces2473]

Erika, I'm sorry they are still being giant D-bags about this.

Just for clarification, didn't you say in the wedding announcement thread that you weren't telling your extended family about the engagement? Or did it all come out at the recent family wedding? If they only recently found out about your plans, that might be a logical reason why they aren't throwing you any type of celebration.

But I don't know, I could be talking out of my butt.

An aside--are your friends doing anything celebratory for you??

I hope you are able to have a wonderful, happy day, no matter what happens.

[twentyfive]

I have to agree with everybody else. You are not the one being unreasonable. Your family is. Me being Atheist too, I would do the same as him, join in for a mass or family holiday. I might sit there and not pray or what not, but I'd attend for my girl. Your family needs to understand that you're grown up and you gotta do what makes you happy and if they can't live with it, tough shit (pardon my French).

I commend you for doing what you feel is right, a civil ceremony. But I don't really know what to say besides the fact that I hope everything turns out alright in the long run. Hopefully one day they can shed the religion BS and learn that everybody is different and there is nothing wrong with your husband just as your husband probably knows your family could be good people, ONCE they get over the fact of his beliefs. I really hope that happens for ya guys!

And by the way CONGRATULATIONS!

[winneythepooh7]

There are two major events in a woman's life I have found where EVERYONE feels entitled to an opinion..........marriage and having a baby. Frankly, in MY opinion, neither of these events are really any of their business, but they always seem to bring out the rudeness in everyone.


I am sorry you are going through this........Pisces did bring up a good point, not that that really can make this any easier for you though. Who knows? Maybe they will come around after the wedding? I have heard that happening with people before. If not, and I know that this doesn't make it easier---but it's their loss.

Have a great wedding!!!! You and your husband to be deserve nothing but happiness.

[ebruening]

Just for clarification, didn't you say in the wedding announcement thread that you weren't telling your extended family about the engagement? Or did it all come out at the recent family wedding? If they only recently found out about your plans, that might be a logical reason why they aren't throwing you any type of celebration.


An aside--are your friends doing anything celebratory for you??


It came out a few days before the big family wedding last Friday, not from anything my fiance or I did or said. I never in a million years wanted to have it come out that way - it ended up "taking away" from my cousin and his wife's wedding, because people were so upset. I did expect this sort of reaction, though, which is why I would have rather that my extended family found out via the post-wedding announcements...that way, I wouldn't have had to feel bad, knowing that my extended family knew about our wedding beforehand, and chose not to say anything positive. The rationale behind sending out the announcements after the wedding, and keeping it hush-hush beforehand, was really more of a self-preservation tactic on my part. It made me feel rude and ashamed to know that family were talking about it at somebody else's wedding, but never said anything to us even remotely resembling "congrats," or "we're happy for you," or even "we wish you all the best." Just one positive comment would have made my day.

Just to clarify: When I said that it would have been nice for someone to offer to throw a bridal shower, I was thinking of my sister, who is my maid of honor. She has known about the engagement from the start. I know that family doesn't traditionally get involved in bridal showers, but I saw her get involved in her friends' and our cousin-in-law's bridal showers earlier this summer, and she talked about them quite a bit around me. Before I ever started dating my future husband, she did talk about throwing me a bridal shower when I got married...and when we told her about our engagement, it wasn't even offered. Point taken.

I really don't want any sort of celebration thrown for us. We don't need/want any gifts. I understand that my extended family just found out recently, so I'm certainly not expecting/wanting any gifts or a party thrown together just because my family feels like that's what they "should" do. I just want a simple "congratulations," or some other positive comment from them about our upcoming marriage.

Our friends are happy for us, and they threw us an engagement party. I know we're receiving gifts from many of the people we work with, and we're also getting a lot of nice cards from our friends. (They know we don't want them to spend money on gifts, and we really appreciate all the kind words in the cards they've sent.)

[gemma-dahl]

No, I don't think your being unreasonable to want to hear a few kind words. Even if your family doesn't agree with your decision, they've discussed it with you, you know how they feel and what there reservations might be, and vice versa - and, well, the discussion's over. Polite people can find it in them to wish you well, and your family isn't being polite, to say the very, very least. In fact, they're being manipulative and intentionally nasty.

Then, there's this:

My mom has said that our wedding is probably not being viewed as "real," because it's not Catholic. My dad has said that he's supposed to be happy about this, but instead, he feels like he's "walking around with a scarlet A" on his chest, and "avoiding conversations."

Two very manipulative statements, there. Your dad's is just plain cruel, and your mother's isn't even rooted in common sense. So Jews and Muslims and Baptists and Protestants who marry don't have "real" unions? Whatever. :rolleyes:

[wordsmith]

Two very manipulative statements, there. Your dad's is just plain cruel, and your mother's isn't even rooted in common sense. So Jews and Muslims and Baptists and Protestants who marry don't have "real" unions? Whatever. :rolleyes:

Snort. I'm reminded of a guy I (very) briefly dated who asserted, as did his entire family, that Roman Catholicism is "the only true faith." That said, I now live with a lifelong Catholic who doesn't buy this at all. Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

But, yeah, there are people who think this way, for sure.

[WorkInProgress]

Wow. I am so sorry, Erika. There is no excuse for this behavior from your family.

[pisces2473]

It came out a few days before the big family wedding last Friday, not from anything my fiance or I did or said. I never in a million years wanted to have it come out that way - it ended up "taking away" from my cousin and his wife's wedding, because people were so upset. I did expect this sort of reaction, though, which is why I would have rather that my extended family found out via the post-wedding announcements...that way, I wouldn't have had to feel bad, knowing that my extended family knew about our wedding beforehand, and chose not to say anything positive. The rationale behind sending out the announcements after the wedding, and keeping it hush-hush beforehand, was really more of a self-preservation tactic on my part. It made me feel rude and ashamed to know that family were talking about it at somebody else's wedding, but never said anything to us even remotely resembling "congrats," or "we're happy for you," or even "we wish you all the best." Just one positive comment would have made my day.
Gotcha. Sounds like you were trying to do the right thing and it just got out of hand (and out of YOUR hands). I totally see why you'd want to keep it quiet for everyone's (yours/your FI's and the other couples) sakes. Again, I'm sorry.

Just to clarify: When I said that it would have been nice for someone to offer to throw a bridal shower, I was thinking of my sister, who is my maid of honor. She has known about the engagement from the start. I know that family doesn't traditionally get involved in bridal showers, but I saw her get involved in her friends' and our cousin-in-law's bridal showers earlier this summer, and she talked about them quite a bit around me. Before I ever started dating my future husband, she did talk about throwing me a bridal shower when I got married...and when we told her about our engagement, it wasn't even offered. Point taken.

OMG I didn't realize your sister was your MOH. So she'll stand up there with you, but won't FULLY support you by taking part of all of the traditional MOH duties?? Not that you HAD to have a shower--but jeez, don't go back on your word. Maybe I'm thinking about this too much...

I really don't want any sort of celebration thrown for us. We don't need/want any gifts. I understand that my extended family just found out recently, so I'm certainly not expecting/wanting any gifts or a party thrown together just because my family feels like that's what they "should" do. I just want a simple "congratulations," or some other positive comment from them about our upcoming marriage.
I understand. I would want a congrats or best wishes, too. Wow, they all really think in the exact same way? Damn.

Our friends are happy for us, and they threw us an engagement party. I know we're receiving gifts from many of the people we work with, and we're also getting a lot of nice cards from our friends. (They know we don't want them to spend money on gifts, and we really appreciate all the kind words in the cards they've sent.)
Oh yeah, I remember that now! I'm glad you have a lot of support from your friends...that's important. Sometimes friends take the place of family.

[Pummel]

Two very manipulative statements, there. Your dad's is just plain cruel, and your mother's isn't even rooted in common sense. So Jews and Muslims and Baptists and Protestants who marry don't have "real" unions? Whatever. :rolleyes:

Exactly, which is why you should manipulate them back. You can make a lot of money off of this. See my previous post.

[kellybeen18]

I don't think you are being unreasonable either. It is your wedding and your life, so your family should at least respect that, even if they don't agree. This doesn't mean they have to make a huge deal about the wedding - since it sounds like you don't want it to be a huge deal anyway - but it is polite to congratulate a couple getting married no matter the circumstances. I'm guessing that when your cousins got married with big, religious weddings you congratulated them - even though it isn't what you necessarily believe in. It should go both ways. Family is supposed to love and support you no matter what. It sounds like your fiance is very understanding about this.

[spokes]

i don't think you are being unreasonable. i personally don't get why everyone feels the need to "get into the kitchen and get cooking" - i think that your family should just keep some of thier thoughts to themselves and let you enjoy YOUR wedding.

never ceases to amaze me how events like this really bring out the "best" in families.

[capella]

Awww, Erika. I hate to say it, but I would totally cut them off. I wouldn't speak to any family member who treated me like that. I would totally, completely, and absolutely cut them off. People don't deserve to act like donkeys because they're family. Family, friend, or foe, I wouldn't tolerate anything like that from anyone. You'd probably feel better if you just stopped communicating with them.

Is your fiance's family any better? I say make a new family from friends and in-laws. Perhaps your family members would straighten up if they knew you weren't going to take it. Perhaps not. But at least you'd feel better.

My mom used to try and pull crap on me, but after having me hang up on her and consistently refusing to engage in her nonsense, she stopped. We are now on good terms. I still refuse to talk to my dad because he just can't shake his crappy habits. You don't owe anything to them, especially not when they act the way they do. Cut off all communication and enjoy your day.

BTW, congratulations!

[Rusalka]

Hello Erika, it's great news that you're getting married - congratulations.

As for advice on your family - well, I don't think I have anything new to add here, I'd echo what everyone else said. You are NOT being unreasonable.

It sounds like you have been very patient with your family, and explained your point of view in a very reasonable manner, and your husband-to-be sounds like a lovely guy. If your parents are still trying to manipulate you over this, I don't know what else there is you can do about it.
I'm with capella: Break off contact with them, at least for a little while. Limit the time you spend talking with them and visiting them. Set boundaries. Even if you are from the same gene pool as them, you do not have to put yourself through this kind of cr*p. It sounds like you have some great friends who care for you a lot, and that's just as valuable as having a family.

I really hope you have a beautiful wedding day. Congrats again!

[ebruening]

Our wedding was on Friday. My immediate family attended, as did my husband's. Everybody was mostly appropriate on our wedding day, with the exception of my family slightly getting out of hand at the end of the night. The ceremony itself went by in a blur, but the weather was lovely, and the dinner afterward was just what we wanted.

We just came back from a wonderful 3-day/3-night honeymoon in Kansas City, where we spent WAY too much time eating :rolleyes: As a surprise, my husband upgraded my wedding band, which I didn't know about until we exchanged rings in our wedding.

We have our marriage announcements completed, and they are in the mail as of this morning.

Thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement in this thread. I have to admit that although our wedding was wonderful, I'm glad it's over. At least this way, family will have to deal with the fact that we're married...here's hoping they'll accept it sooner rather than later.

[pisces2473]

I'm glad everything worked out for you...and I hope it continues to do so!

[ugarachel82]

Congratulations Erika! I know it must be a relief to be finally done with it all. You sound so strong to have dealt with all of that BS. I hope you continue to enjoy your happiness as a couple in the years to come! :)

[winneythepooh7]

Congrats! :D

[kellybeen18]

Congratulations! I'm glad it mostly worked out the way you wanted. Now you can move on with your life as a couple. In time, I'm sure you family will get used to it and come around.