Mother-daughter issues

[taichiklf]

Hi there, I was wondering how many of you have problems communicating with your mother, well beyond your teenage years. In my life it all started in 4th and 5th and still has not stopped. Anyone have major issues with this relationship in their life? I was reading somewhere that this relationship of all others in a woman's life is crucial to future good relationships in that woman's life...her friendships with other women and even her boyfriends/spouse. I really believe that because I've had such a hard time dealing with my mother, I have anger issues that I have internalized and now I hate myself so much I have major self esteem issues. And the worst part of this is I don't know how to heal the relationship because my mother does not seem to think there is anything wrong with her. I heartily believe in a relationship that things go 2 ways. It is never 1 persons fault and she can't see the problem within her or does not care enough to put in the effort. I don't know what I can do to help myself. I have been living like this for way too long (20+ years) and I know that I need this to change, for my life, my health, and my sanity. I pray that this will get better by the time I'm 30. Just a few years away now.

[roulettefanatic]

hi, sorry you are feeling badly about this....i have certainly had my own issues with my mother (especially in the teen years but less so now)....now it comes down to control sometimes with regards to my need to lose weight (she pushes and only means to help but sometimes in the process gets too involved)....i also have other things i need to fix in my life but i have worked on our relationship as a means of hoping it would help me feel better overall and it has.....have you considered going to therapy together so you can air out what's bugging the both of you (sometimes hearing both sides can be beneficial in front of a 3rd party)....i don't know if this is something she would be willing to take part in.....if not, i do have a friend who hasn't spoken to his mother in quite some time (probably four or five years by now) and while i don't wish this for you at all, his side of the story is that he just couldn't deal with her and it's better for him to have no contact at all.....i guess it depends what each person is willing to do to fix the relationship and that's what's going to determine what happens.....i wish you the best....my take on it is that if you're willing to admit there is a problem, you care enough to try to fix it.....

[AllisonD]

Hey, I'm sorry about your relationship with your mother and that you are so down about it. I agree with roulettefanatic, maybe try going to therapy with her if she's up for it? (My mom seems to think she's perfect as well so I can understand where you're coming from a little)

I had a good friend who never quite got along with her mother too and so she went to therapy and her therapist helped her change her mindset on the situation. All you can really do is change how you look at/chose to feel about the relationship (her mother was verbally/emotionally abusive). So her therapist said something to the effect of, 'just because she's your mother doesn't mean she's going to be good at it'. I guess I always looked at it like just because someone is a blood relative is no guarantee they will be a healthy part of your life. You should try to accept her the way she is, and try to change the way you respond to her presence in your life. You will never change her and she will always be flawed because she is human.

And it is no indication that all of your personal relationships will be failures or even be problematic. I'm sure you have other people in your life with whom you have healthy relationships. I have plenty of healthy relationships in my life including my relationship with my girlfriend of 3+ years. We don't argue incessantly, there is no abuse, and when we do argue we can apologize for our wrongdoings and move on. We love each other very much and I can honestly say I love her more everyday. I think just the fact that you can see there is a problem will help you in all future relationships. It means you want to improve this and I think that is more important than actually having successful relationships (considering there will always be people you just don't get along with). Besides, what did that article you read say about women who just don't have their mothers growing up?! Are they automatically relationship failures?! I think not, it's all in how you chose to look at it.

[erika36]

I have had issues with my mother almost since childhood. Me and her just do not get along if we have to spend too much time together. She tends to be a confrontational nag at times so in the past I've had to cut it short as I am an adult on my own with my own life.

Examples of things she's done; she's told me that I don't have enough money to do this or that, and I've flat out told her, since when did you know how much money I make?

I've also had to be blunt and tell her that things are none of her business when she nags me about things (my being single for instance).

Therapy might be a good idea if you're both up to it. Sometimes somebody who is not emotionally invested in both of you can help you figure things out if you're having trouble on your own.

But if you forego therapy, what I would do is talk to her and tell her that when she nags you about your weight (or whatever) it bothers you. Sometimes that works with my mom. However be prepared to have to remind her from time to time! :D And if you think it's not working, be more blunt and just tell her that your issues are none of her business. Then refuse to talk about them anymore. I hope that helps. :)

[taichiklf]

Thank you all so help for your help. I'm sorry I did not reply sooner. Therapy would be a great idea but I don't think my mother would like to do that. Maybe it's the cultural background but she does not think that emotional problems are things she needs to talk about with anyone. She doesn't even view them as problems...that's half the battle with her. If only she could recognize that there is a problem and what needs to be done to try to solve it.

In the meantime I have tried the "silent approach". I know it's not the healthiest solution but I have felt a lot better lately. There are times I do miss speaking with her when I need someone to talk to (I can't always talk to friends about certain things) but I get over it and think to myself "I'm getting older. I need to be a strong woman and handle these things on my own." I know one person shouldn't go through life only depending on themselves because we are social creatures that need others...we need to be interdependent. But I have grown up to be emotionally dependent on others (hence, my thinking that future relationships with men will not work out) and for the past 10 years I have been slowly trying to get away from that. And it's only because I recognize the problem and am doing something about it that I will get more emotionally healthy. So, in my case, I believe the silent approach is necessary for my wellbeing and as long as it takes to build up that emotional strength for me, I will continue on this path. My path, changing the way I look at and react to my mother.

Thanks again everyone. I will try to use therapy eventually if/when my mother finds it acceptable.