touched by suicide (or, my friend-the asshole)

[manders]

it's now 3 in the morning where I live and I cannot sleep. the reason? a friend of mine killed himself the two days ago.

I've dealt with the lose of loved ones to suicide before. the only difference was I was younger and didn't know how to let myself grieve and so I just pushed away the pain as quick as I could and moved on with things.

now, I feel the loss. I was at work tonight and I kept expecting to see his face behind the bar. or, someone would call and i'd expect him to start laughing at how I answer the phone. my stomach hurts and I can't sleep. it's because my friend is an asshole.

to outsiders we may not have been very good friends. we only hung out outside of work once, before I even started there. we didn't talk very much at work, either. But he was goign through a nasty divorce and I've been working through a great deal personally also. I did consider him a good friend, regardless. I looked forward to seeing him and was always happy to see him there. I knew I'd at least get to talk a little with him.

See, I'm terrible with making friends. I'm not sure what to do and am horribly self-conscious when I make efforts to be friends. One thing I've realized in the past 24 hours, however, is I've been making it too difficult.

Those that loved my friend have been reaching out to each other for comfort; holding hands, hugging, listening to stories. No one's judging or being critical. I think this applies outside such an intense situation too.

I see now I what I could have done to be better friends with him. and I'm going to remember that to reach out to those whom I admire, trust, and whose company I enjoy. In fact, I'm going to invite one woman to my husband's hockey game. we can eat stadium fries and cheer him on.

I still think my friend's an asshole for killing himself. I think he's a jackass for leaving those who loved him behind to pick up the pieces of his life. I hope he's not in pain now, though. I hope he's found the peace and comfort he couldn't find here. I hope he knows how loved he is and how he touched our lives.

One bit of irony, we switched months on the calender in our office. It's one of those positive message calendars.

March's message?

"Don't give up"

seriously, that's what it says.

[coll214]

manders- I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. You always hope that people who feel that dire about their situation seek the help they so desperately need. And regardless of how close you may/may not have been, it still hurts. I may have never gone through this situation, but if you want to talk, feel free to PM me. Sometimes it just helps to talk.

[diesel]

manders, i am so sorry to hear of your loss. i, unforunately, have experienced someone i was friends with commit suicide. it's so hard to know what to do or say. and it's natural to be angry with him. if you need to talk please feel free to PM me.

[Wastukin]

It's tough to have such a thing happen. I had a first-cousin who commited suicide about 2-1/2 years ago (he was about 20 years old). I was upset at first, thinking what kind of a-hole (as you put it) goes and kills himself. Once it happens though, there's nothing we can do about it after the fact.

All we can do is learn from it and reach out to those that are still here so that we can hopefully keep these things from happening. I sometimes think that maybe if I had been a closer or better friend, that maybe I could have been that good friend he needed that could possibly have helped him get through those tough times instead of resorting to the ultimate alternative. Maybe it would've helped, and maybe it wouldn't have. But these are common thoughts for those who've lost a loved one to suicide. No use in dwelling on what might have been.

Let's instead focus on today, and being that good friend to everyone we know and love, especially to those who may need a friend the most, and make each and every day count. (I know that sounds really corny, but its true.)

[Viola]

I am so sorry. My friend and future brother in law committed suicide when he was 20 about 5 years ago. It hurt everyone so badly. Everyone including his mother felt like we were all to blame. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It is still hard at times.

What helps me is remembering the good times. My nephew/his son now 5 years old is a constant reminder of how great his father was. Also time can help to heal the people affected by such a tragedy.

[manders]

(deep breath)

thanks for replying. I know, from experience, there's not on particular thing anyone can say to help me. It all helps.

It doesn't matter what people say when I reach out. Even the inane "at least he's not in pain anymore" or "well, at least he doesn't have kids" help. They help because you and I are connecting. It's not the words that matter, as long as they are kind words. What matters, what heals, is the connection.

Maybe that's what causes someone to actually kill themself. They lost the connection with others, with the world. For whatever reason, that bond is broken. Even for just a second; yet, it's long enough for them to commit the most unnatural act any creature on earth can commit. Killing oneself.

ok...I'm getting deep here. and it's after midnight. goodnight all.


keep connecting..........