allneonlike
08-31-2008, 02:15 AM
Six weeks ago, my father, brother and I packed what didn’t fit in the moving van and drove 12 hours north of GA to Northern VA. It was supposed to be the fresh start we needed after losing Mom, our dog and our neighbor who was like family - all within three years. We thought of leaving sooner, but decided to remain in the house in which our mother died b/c it seemed like such an undertaking to move out of it, seeing that they had only been in the house 8 months before she died and it was decorated and furnished so that it felt like home. But after the first two years, it became downright unbearable and uncomfortable to be there and literally made me sick to my stomach. Funny, in this new house in this new city, I’m feeling the same way again.
I wasn’t home when she died, I was working overseas in Europe and it happened very suddenly – a here today, gone tomorrow situation. But I came home the very next day and essentially put my life on hold for 3+ years to “take care” of my bro, father and the house my mother left behind. I never felt like I belonged there, but stayed because it was the “right thing” to do, especially seeing that I’m the oldest. If I hadn’t stayed, I’m sure I would have been branded the family flake, selfish, spoiled, or all of the above. That feeling of not belonging there, created some very low and lonely times for me, made worse by “friends” who weren’t acting like friends and me living so far from the city, that when “friends” did go out, they didn’t bother to invite or ask me, assuming I didn’t want to make the drive.
The only thing, ONLY thing that has kept me sane the past 2 years of this whole charlie-foxtrot is meeting my wonderful boyfriend. However luck, fate or whatever would have it that, as some would say, he ain’t from around here. His home lies in our neighbor to the North, the home of Hockey and maple syrup. After 2 years, I’m applying for a permanent resident visa so that we can be together. What’s killing me right now is adjusting to this move to Northern VA while I wait for the damn thing to get approved or another way of moving up there presents itself.
I feel more like a square peg in a round hole than I did in Georgia. I’m not sure which situation is less troublesome, being in a place where you know absolutely no one, or being in a place where you have friends that don’t act like friends and aren’t available and you’re alone anyway. My best friends are scattered around the US and Europe and it just sucks that I don’t have the ability to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, wanna do something?” to anyone. And because I know this is a temporary stop for me, part of me doesn’t care if I meet anyone – I know that sounds bad, but it may be the frustration talking. I’ve found a job, but can’t start for probably another week or two because of bureaucracy and have had way to much idle time on my hands, which means time for my thoughts to start going places. One of those places is, should I have made this move or tried to tough it out in GA a little longer? I’m just not feeling that my coming here was a good idea.
Tonight was a night that was an eye-opener. A very uncomfortable conversation with Dad, in which bro and I had to let him know though we’re happy he’s started talking to a woman that he’s apparently fond of, my brother and I are not quite ready to hear him refer to her with pet names repeatedly in front of us, especially when he’s taken great pains to tell us little about her as possible, and we NEVER heard those things when our mother was alive. It was just weird to hear. In addition to how when we were trying to go to dinner (and he was driving), he missed 4 exits for the damn restaurant talking to this woman on the phone. And when we tried to tell him, we got shushed like 5 year olds. Well it seems he didn’t like that very much and shortly after, was spitting venom at the two of us that left me in tears. It was my sign that I need to get the hell out and away from him. But I can’t afford it now and won’t be able to for some months.
So I’m feeling stuck, which I hate, and absolutely miserable, and wishing that time would just go by and I can get the hell out of here. I’m feeling like I made a bad decision in staying with the family all these years and that so much has passed me by because of it. I’ve got an excellent plan for when I get to Canada, but I swear this waiting period is really, really wearing me down – and it’s only been 6 weeks. I’ve posted about pieces of all of this at one time or another, but I think I’ve been worn down the past few years and I’ve just hit the wall of all walls and am really hurting thinking about it all.
Does Calgon still come take people away????
I wasn’t home when she died, I was working overseas in Europe and it happened very suddenly – a here today, gone tomorrow situation. But I came home the very next day and essentially put my life on hold for 3+ years to “take care” of my bro, father and the house my mother left behind. I never felt like I belonged there, but stayed because it was the “right thing” to do, especially seeing that I’m the oldest. If I hadn’t stayed, I’m sure I would have been branded the family flake, selfish, spoiled, or all of the above. That feeling of not belonging there, created some very low and lonely times for me, made worse by “friends” who weren’t acting like friends and me living so far from the city, that when “friends” did go out, they didn’t bother to invite or ask me, assuming I didn’t want to make the drive.
The only thing, ONLY thing that has kept me sane the past 2 years of this whole charlie-foxtrot is meeting my wonderful boyfriend. However luck, fate or whatever would have it that, as some would say, he ain’t from around here. His home lies in our neighbor to the North, the home of Hockey and maple syrup. After 2 years, I’m applying for a permanent resident visa so that we can be together. What’s killing me right now is adjusting to this move to Northern VA while I wait for the damn thing to get approved or another way of moving up there presents itself.
I feel more like a square peg in a round hole than I did in Georgia. I’m not sure which situation is less troublesome, being in a place where you know absolutely no one, or being in a place where you have friends that don’t act like friends and aren’t available and you’re alone anyway. My best friends are scattered around the US and Europe and it just sucks that I don’t have the ability to pick up the phone and say, “Hey, wanna do something?” to anyone. And because I know this is a temporary stop for me, part of me doesn’t care if I meet anyone – I know that sounds bad, but it may be the frustration talking. I’ve found a job, but can’t start for probably another week or two because of bureaucracy and have had way to much idle time on my hands, which means time for my thoughts to start going places. One of those places is, should I have made this move or tried to tough it out in GA a little longer? I’m just not feeling that my coming here was a good idea.
Tonight was a night that was an eye-opener. A very uncomfortable conversation with Dad, in which bro and I had to let him know though we’re happy he’s started talking to a woman that he’s apparently fond of, my brother and I are not quite ready to hear him refer to her with pet names repeatedly in front of us, especially when he’s taken great pains to tell us little about her as possible, and we NEVER heard those things when our mother was alive. It was just weird to hear. In addition to how when we were trying to go to dinner (and he was driving), he missed 4 exits for the damn restaurant talking to this woman on the phone. And when we tried to tell him, we got shushed like 5 year olds. Well it seems he didn’t like that very much and shortly after, was spitting venom at the two of us that left me in tears. It was my sign that I need to get the hell out and away from him. But I can’t afford it now and won’t be able to for some months.
So I’m feeling stuck, which I hate, and absolutely miserable, and wishing that time would just go by and I can get the hell out of here. I’m feeling like I made a bad decision in staying with the family all these years and that so much has passed me by because of it. I’ve got an excellent plan for when I get to Canada, but I swear this waiting period is really, really wearing me down – and it’s only been 6 weeks. I’ve posted about pieces of all of this at one time or another, but I think I’ve been worn down the past few years and I’ve just hit the wall of all walls and am really hurting thinking about it all.
Does Calgon still come take people away????