Confused Over Two

[Nugget]

I have been dating my boyfriend since the end of April. He is a good person. He is sweet, caring and loving, however he can be stubborn, pessimistic, cheap and not open suggestion. He gets along with my family really he can talk to my mom for hours, talk to my dad for hours, and play basketball with my brother and he is approved by my best friend.
I however have some reservations about him. I am athletic and take pride in my appearance. Call me superficial, but I like men who are the same. When my boyfriend and I were first dating he looked really good, since then his appearance has fallen off in 2 areas: physical appearance and his style of dress. I really have a low tolerance for it. I have addressed him about him not working out like he used to, going to a dentist, and wearing old, cheap clothes. At first he listened and obliged me by setting up an appt, going to the gym a couple days. However, he would not compromise on the style of dress. He doesn't see why he should spend $20 dollars on a shirt when he can get it for $5. In this economy.. I totally understand but if you get a shirt for $5 it shouldn't look like crap especially when he is fully capable of paying $20.00 for a shirt. Besides clothes he would rather eat a bowl of cereal for dinner than eat a balanced meal. This is a 31 year old man! To make a long story short. I thought about breaking up with him over the aforementioned Clothes do not make the person but every once in a while don't be cheap with yourself, invest in yourself, eat proper meals, see the dentist. I am willing to work with someone but if they can't compromise it's hard. Also, once I am not attracted to you physically. I lose interest. I thought about breaking up with him in July. He didn't want to he wanted to make it work and so did I, so we took a break.

In August, I met another person, Jim (not his real name). Surprisingly we crossed paths but never met. We both went to undergrad at the same school and our friends are in the same circle. He introduced himself to me at a lounge because I looked familiar, since then we've hung out, and found that we have a lot in common we are on the same page. I've always wanted to move to Georgia upon talking to him and finding out what his interests are he wanted the same too! He has all the qualities of a man that like. He is smart, caring, saves his money but isn't cheap, athletic and respectful. I am attracted to him physically and mentally. We always have good conversation. Not to say that doesn't exist with my boyfirend, but I notice there isn't a thing I wouldn't change about Jim* most importantly I accept him for who he is. Whenever I see him I feel that he is the person for me. Sadly he is leaving for Georgia, his job is moving him there. We both had bad experiences with long distance relationship. We are playing it by ear. What should I do.. I feel like the love of my life is moving away. Then again we're only dating. Should I work things out with my boyfriend? Help!

[Millenial]

I think some of your requests are pretty ridiculous and shallow. That's all I have to say. Also you seem to not really think much of your relationship if you are thinking of possibly moving to be with someone else possibly.

I would say dump your boyfriend and find someone else besides those two and also just find someone who meets your needs right off the bat and not force someone to mold to you, which I think is really a turnoff for a lot of guys.

[drummer]

Yeah, I might have to agree with Millenial here. If your boyfriend (the first one you mentioned) asked you to change your clothing style or thought the food you liked to eat was a bad choice, would you change? Think about it before you answer.

A lot of the clothes I buy are under $10 and are bought at thrift stores. It's not out of a necessity, but it's simply the clothes I like. It's the clothes that make me feel good about myself. And my family has said very snotty things like, "You know, you don't need to shop at places like that." So in your boyfriend's case, it might be something different than that he's lazy about his appearance.

It's just like how my family keeps upgrading their cell phones lately (they have iPhones or the Sprint Instinct or something) and are always trying to entice me to get one too, while I have the same cell phone I got five years ago, but I have no interest in upgrading anytime soon. It's really just not something that's important to me. They might roll their eyes and think I'm so stubborn or cheap or whatever, but I'd rather spend my money on other things.

So your boyfriend and you might simply have different values. And it sounds like you're trying to change him, while he doesn't really do that to you and accepts you as who you are.

But look, if these things bother you enough, then maybe he's not the one to be with. If you don't like him as much as you think you should, and you want to break up, then maybe that's what you should do. But also consider these things could keep happening with any guy you know, including the one you met in August. It's just like how a lot of couples in long term relationships (I've at least noticed this in my family and family's friends) will often both gain weight. They get comfortable around each other and might as the relationship goes on, stress out less on keeping thin or wearing the nicest clothes they can afford, and so on. I doubt any of them assumes this will happen or wants it to, but it does.

But again, if these things bother you enough, then maybe he's not the one to be with.

[yogaflame13]

Keep in mind you have only known "jim" for a month or two, so you don't really know him that well, in the same sense you know your boyfriend.

Sounds like if you are really considering breaking up with a guy based on his choice of clothing or lack of exercise, that probably wasn't a solid relationship to begin with, really. I mean, you don't wanna let yourself go (although that can happen...maybe its tolerated when both people let themselves go lol), but breaking up over it sounds kinda harsh to me.

Maybe this isn't the relationship for you...

[twentyfive]

I'll have to agree with other people. Some people do tend to let themselves go. In the past year, I went from really skinny to putting on 20-25 lbs. Which looks good on a 6'1'' person at 180. But it's not all muscle.

As for the clothes thing, that is really shallow. And if that was a reason you came to me and said, "I want to break up because of the clothes you wear, or you're cheap with your clothes." I would've ended it right there on the spot and never thought about you again. That's just really shallow to break up with somebody for. IMHO.

[and1grad]

I dont think its shallow to not be attracted to someone who dresses like a bum everyday. In fact, I'd say its ridiculous that people have tried to jump on their high horse about something they wouldnt themselves want in a partner. Unless you're into street trash. If I were you, I'd break up, or take a break, from the current guy and see what your possibilities are with this other person. Bear in mind, "the grass is always greener..."

[KCboy]

Dumping someone because they have gotten too fat or because they don't have nice enough clothes is your prerogative, whether others think its shallow or not. You don't have to stay with anyone because of what society thinks.

The fact that you even went out with another guy, on a what sounds like a date, when you are still with your boyfriend, is a problem. Some would consider that cheating.

[twentyfive]

I dont think its shallow to not be attracted to someone who dresses like a bum everyday. In fact, I'd say its ridiculous that people have tried to jump on their high horse about something they wouldnt themselves want in a partner. Unless you're into street trash. If I were you, I'd break up, or take a break, from the current guy and see what your possibilities are with this other person. Bear in mind, "the grass is always greener..."

She's not saying street bum. She's saying he's not spending $20 on a shirt, instead $5 dollars on a shirt. I could go out and buy $5 dollar shirts and get the same style just not with the brand name of Quicksilver, Vans, Etnies, etc. It's his style that she doesn't like.

And unless he changes styles all the time (me, I usually have my own style, surfing sometimes, boarding, everything all mixed), it should be close to what she met him in.

But is there anything really from spending $5 on a shirt over $20 a shirt? I can go to say Wal-Mart and buy cheap shirts and still keep my style of Quicksilver and better brands. Hell I've been known to spend $70 on Perry Ellis shirts, but I still shop in the cheap stores sometimes (Target, Wal-Mart).

So I guess the question to the OP is, did his style take a drastic change?

[twentyfive]

The fact that you even went out with another guy, on a what sounds like a date, when you are still with your boyfriend, is a problem. Some would consider that cheating.

I have to agree with you KC. Depending what the objective was with meeting the other guy and why they went out. It would be considered cheating in some books.

[and1grad]

She's not saying street bum. She's saying he's not spending $20 on a shirt, instead $5 dollars on a shirt. I could go out and buy $5 dollar shirts and get the same style just not with the brand name of Quicksilver, Vans, Etnies, etc. It's his style that she doesn't like.

And unless he changes styles all the time (me, I usually have my own style, surfing sometimes, boarding, everything all mixed), it should be close to what she met him in.

But is there anything really from spending $5 on a shirt over $20 a shirt? I can go to say Wal-Mart and buy cheap shirts and still keep my style of Quicksilver and better brands. Hell I've been known to spend $70 on Perry Ellis shirts, but I still shop in the cheap stores sometimes (Target, Wal-Mart).

So I guess the question to the OP is, did his style take a drastic change?
She did say he looks like crap and that it is different than when they met.

When my boyfriend and I were first dating he looked really good, since then his appearance has fallen off in 2 areas: physical appearance and his style of dress. I really have a low tolerance for it. I have addressed him about him not working out like he used to, going to a dentist, and wearing old, cheap clothes. At first he listened and obliged me by setting up an appt, going to the gym a couple days. However, he would not compromise on the style of dress. He doesn't see why he should spend $20 dollars on a shirt when he can get it for $5. In this economy.. I totally understand but if you get a shirt for $5 it shouldn't look like crap especially when he is fully capable of paying $20.00 for a shirt.
Seriously tho...$20. I havent bought a shirt that cost less than $20 since high school. Where does he shop...Goodwill? Even street vendors in downtown LA will ask you for 2 for $12.

[DuckFan]

Didn't we JUST have a thread like this?

The women jumped on the male poster for saying he had lost attraction to his girlfriend. Many told him to stay, or "work it out," and called him shallow.

Now we have a female poster with essentially (notice the word: essentially) the same issue and now it's her "right" to dump him if she wants.

Funny, the diffference in reactions this time around.

Before we go off arguing about semantics, the jist of both posters problems are pretty similar.

[twentyfive]

Didn't we JUST have a thread like this?

The women jumped on the male poster for saying he had lost attraction to his girlfriend. Many told him to stay, or "work it out," and called him shallow.

Now we have a female poster with essentially (notice the word: essentially) the same issue and now it's her "right" to dump him if she wants.

Funny, the diffference in reactions this time around.

Before we go off arguing about semantics, the jist of both posters problems are pretty similar.

Well I'm one of the shallow people ;)

[twentyfive]

She did say he looks like crap and that it is different than when they met.

Well maybe she needs to go with him to find shirts. Some people just don't have style and don't know style. Gonna mark him off for that?

Seriously tho...$20. I havent bought a shirt that cost less than $20 since high school. Where does he shop...Goodwill? Even street vendors in downtown LA will ask you for 2 for $12.

Now it all depends on what type of shirts we're talking about. T's could be less than $20 easily, for really good t-shirts. Button up shirts like Quicksilver, yes those will be a good $35 if not $40-$50 a pop and some people can't afford that especially now with layoffs and everything else going on, I wouldn't blame them for going to Goodwill.

[AsianGeek]

Regardless of whether or not this is shallow, I don't find anything wrong in losing attraction to someone who won't take care of themselves. It's not only degrading physically, but it shows a huge character flaw too. The shirt thing, I can see as a problem if he insists on wearing them in public. Still, I'd say don't go with the other guy unless you know that you'll be okay moving to Georgia or if he's within a reasonable driving distance.

[KCboy]

Didn't we JUST have a thread like this?

The women jumped on the male poster for saying he had lost attraction to his girlfriend. Many told him to stay, or "work it out," and called him shallow.

Now we have a female poster with essentially (notice the word: essentially) the same issue and now it's her "right" to dump him if she wants.

Funny, the diffference in reactions this time around.

I agree, men are chastised for even implying that physical attraction plays a role in relationship decisions. But when a woman brings it up, they point to things like "character flaws"

[twentyfive]

I agree, men are chastised for even implying that physical attraction plays a role in relationship decisions. But when a woman brings it up, they point to things like "character flaws"

Well I say that the physical attraction thing is bullshit, everybody, EVERYBODY is "shallow" with physical attraction.

Honestly, if there was no physical attraction at first, there is no way somebody would've have talked to somebody at first, so yes, in guys and girls, physical attraction always comes first, before any other "emotional" or "feeling".

[wordsmith]

Seriously tho...$20. I havent bought a shirt that cost less than $20 since high school. Where does he shop...Goodwill? Even street vendors in downtown LA will ask you for 2 for $12.

I don't know, Old Navy comes to mind. So does Target. It's pretty easy to be thrifty on basic clothes without going to thrift stores, at least where I am.

In response to the OP, if somebody dumped me and mentioned that they didn't like my clothes as a reason, I'd be incredibly glad they were out of my life. That's just rude and stupid.

[ebruening]

We are playing it by ear. What should I do.. I feel like the love of my life is moving away. Then again we're only dating. Should I work things out with my boyfriend? Help!

Two things:

1) Does your "boyfriend" know about "Jim"?

2)Are you allowed to see other people on this "break" from your boyfriend? (If not, then - in my opinion - that qualifies as cheating, and I'd say that your relationship with your boyfriend has bigger problems than what clothes he wears, or what he eats.)

[and1grad]

2)Are you allowed to see other people on this "break" from your boyfriend? (If not, then - in my opinion - that qualifies as cheating, and I'd say that your relationship with your boyfriend has bigger problems than what clothes he wears, or what he eats.)
This seems like a Ross & Rachel moment.

[DuckFan]

Ah, here is the thread I was speaking of.

http://quarterlifecrisis.com/forums/showthread.php?t=30414

Notice the first response to the poster:

"Well you shouldn't let a small thing like her appearance get in your way.

After all, it's the personality you went for first right!?

Besides....one day you and her will be old, wrinkly and fugly looking. Does that mean you'll ditch her for someone in their early 20's?

If it really gets in the way, perhaps it's not solely her looks that's put you off..have you grown apart?

Don't forget a girl can be really gorgeous physically but be ugly inside! Ask yourself what you want? Can you really have it all!"



Now the shoe is on the other foot and quite a different reaction. Interesting.

Look, at what point do we just drop the "shallow" word and just say that we are attracted to who or what we are attracted to. Why does it have to be "shallow"?
It is what it is, to be cliche.

It's along the lines of the people that say: Hate is a strong word, so I won't use it.

Well, why not? Words exist to carry strong emotions. You do know it's OK to hate something, right? Anyway, that is off topic.

[KCboy]

I, personally, have no problem being shallow. I want an attractive women by my side. So sue me.

As for clothing, I can't say I would get annoyed enough to dump someone because of it. I'd probably just try buying them some stuff I like to see them in.

But if I was tempted to started 'dating' another person, go behind my S/O's back, and thought about purpsuing anyone else romantically, I'd have to seriously question what my S/O was lacking that made me attracted to another person, and if I should accept it or move on.

[stephly21]

You know the grass is always greener on the other side.. This "Jim" guy moving to Georgia might sound great. But remember the feeling you had when you met your boyfriend. Was it the same? I have sometimes thought about other guys while I was dating my husband. But then I would remember all the good qualities about him and forget about others.

Then again if you are seriously not attracted to your boyfriend anymore maybe you should move on, but I wouldn't move to Georgia just because of "Jim." I don't know where you live now but if moving to Georgia is going to be a huge move I wouldn't go without only knowing "Jim" that could put a huge strain on the relationship.

Me and my husband move several states away from our prospective families and we had been going out for 4 yrs. That put a huge strain on our relationship, but in the end we became stronger because of it. Either way good luck!

[stephly21]

[QUOTE=KCboy]I, personally, have no problem being shallow. I want an attractive women by my side. So sue me.

That is a very interesting thing to say. You do know the definition of shallow? "lacking depth; superficial" It isn't a good quality mind you.

[AsianGeek]

Well I can say that my reaction is different on this post because more annoyed with how he's taking care of himself which is just as much a character flaw as it is a physical flaw. The other thread was purely based on looks. I mean there's nothing wrong with going after what you want, but if we're talking what's shallow and what's not. My girlfriend/bf doesn't look like a model vs my gf/boy isn't taking care of themselves is a completely different story.

[KCboy]

That is a very interesting thing to say. You do know the definition of shallow? "lacking depth; superficial" It isn't a good quality mind you.

I was going more for the connotation than the denotation. If people think its shallow to have physical attraction as a significant factor in who I date, then so be it.

That's not to say that its the only thing i look for.

[AsianGeek]

Well a big difference is that the guy lost attraction due to no fault of his g/f while the girl lost attraction due to the guy not taking care of his appearance. Now if the first poster wanted to leave his g/f because she stopped taking care of her appearance and decided to gain weight and wear rags all the time, I'd support the first poster's choice completely.

[and1grad]

I was going more for the connotation than the denotation. If people think its shallow to have physical attraction as a significant factor in who I date, then so be it.

That's not to say that its the only thing i look for.
What, you didnt get the memo? Its ridiculously shallow to care about your, or anyone else's, appearance. Duh.

[Veronica123]

I think that maybe you should step outside the situation and give both of them a break..be alone and on your own..and see how you feel. I would give it a few weeks at the least. I know it's easier said than done.......

About not being attracted to him...he is obviously not the person you fell in love with. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Attraction is what initiates that spark

I have had problems with appearance/hygiene..and I would just tell my husband that he was a clean, put together person when I met him. He has started showering a lot more, caring about his teeth, etc. I wouldn't want to kiss someone who doesn't brush their teeth.. or sleep with someone who doesn't shower!

When I am out with my husband, I agree that I want to be proud and show him off..and if he were all scroungy and whatnot...that would be hard to feel.

I do agree that you can be a thrify shopper and still look decent...and even thrift store clothes can give a person a style that is cute! I guess it's more about hygiene and what these clothes he wears looks like to an extent....in my opinion!

We are very shallow people here on earth.. it is sad....but we are ~!

[drummer]

Well a big difference is that the guy lost attraction due to no fault of his g/f while the girl lost attraction due to the guy not taking care of his appearance.

Actually, I don't think there's any difference. In this example the boyfriend is supposedly not taking care of himself because he wears clothes the OP doesn't like, eats cereal for dinner (I've done this and I'm not unhealthy or a slob because of it), and doesn't regularly see a dentist. It'd be one thing if he never brushed his teeth or wore clothes covered with stains or whatever, but really the OP seems to be upset her boyfriend won't change himself to live up to her standards. The question, I guess, is whether those standards are ridiculous or justified.

[and1grad]

Well a big difference is that the guy lost attraction due to no fault of his g/f while the girl lost attraction due to the guy not taking care of his appearance. Now if the first poster wanted to leave his g/f because she stopped taking care of her appearance and decided to gain weight and wear rags all the time, I'd support the first poster's choice completely.
Agreed.
Actually, I don't think there's any difference. In this example the boyfriend is supposedly not taking care of himself because he wears clothes the OP doesn't like, eats cereal for dinner (I've done this and I'm not unhealthy or a slob because of it), and doesn't regularly see a dentist. It'd be one thing if he never brushed his teeth or wore clothes covered with stains or whatever, but really the OP seems to be upset her boyfriend won't change himself to live up to her standards. The question, I guess, is whether those standards are ridiculous or justified.
So you really cant see the difference b/w losing interest in an SO b/c you work with more attractive people and losing interest in an SO that you're watching devolve before your very eyes?

[drummer]

So you really cant see the difference b/w losing interest in an SO b/c you work with more attractive people and losing interest in an SO that you're watching devolve before your very eyes?

Oh there are definitely differences (I think my previous reply was a little confusing). And really, people can and will lose interest for a billion different reasons. It's natural, so maybe it's unfair of us to say, "Ugh! You're so shallow!"

In the case of the guy working with attractive people - if I remember correctly, he said he has never had any physical interest in the people he works with. His loss of interest, to me, seemed to be due to being with the same person for a long time and probably the natural thing that happens where sometimes the thrill and excitement and physical allure can fade. It's a fact of life. It happens. And I don't think he was posting it like, "So, my girl ain't hot anymore. Should I dumb her sorry ass?" So I don't quite think he's shallow because of it.

In this topic's case, she seems to be mad that her boyfriend isn't buying more expensive clothing and is eating cereal for dinner. Then she quickly moved onto "Jim" who is a much snappier dresser. I mean, if she wants to not like her boyfriend because of those issue, well that's perfectly fine. That's her business. And maybe he's more of a slob than she indicated. I don't know. Whatever, it's her choice.