is it so hard to...

[ddrost1]

...say "i'm not interested" instead of simply and suddenly ceasing all communication by not returning calls, emails, etc? i guess people think that it doesn't matter, if you've only gone out with someone once or twice and have little or nothing invested, but please tell me that i'm not the only person who thinks this is excessively RUDE!?!

i guess i've noticed this becoming more and more common lately, which is disconcerting because last i checked we're supposed to get more mature in our 20's...

[bluespoon]

i agree. but at the same time i cant say im not guilty of what you describe :p

a lot of people dont like confrontation. or maybe think its LESS rude to quietly fade away than to bluntly say "i'm not interested"

[lonestar5805]

Yeah, I've done it a few times actually. But I only did it when I knew I really hadn't led the girl on or anything, but still, looking back, I probably should have gone about distancing myself in a more direct way.

[KCboy]

I generally just stop communicating.

I've only had women go off on me a few times, but that was after we had sex, so I could understand them having the wrong idea.

[fuzmiq]

I have definitely done that before....several times.

But I am currently having it done to me and it sucks!

[Bsig84]

If a guy asked for my number and I wasn't interested I would usually just give it to them and then not answer if they called. I feel horrible that I did that.

However, I have never just stopped talking to someone after going on a date or two with them. I would always be honest and tell them I just wasn't interested. Yeah, it sucked but they deserved the honesty.

My roommate (who was a female) dated a guy a few times and she wasn't interested. So she told him she wasn't interested.

Is the whole just not answering calls/ignoring thing more common for guys to do? I don't personally know of many girls that have done that.

[ScottyTheBody]

Is the whole just not answering calls/ignoring thing more common for guys to do? I don't personally know of many girls that have done that.

Are you kidding?

I would say the "not calling" when they say they will is more common in men and the not answering calls/ignoring thing is more common in women. I think I would be hard pressed to find a woman that has not screened calls from guys that they consider "creepy".

[ddrost1]

If a guy asked for my number and I wasn't interested I would usually just give it to them and then not answer if they called. I feel horrible that I did that.

However, I have never just stopped talking to someone after going on a date or two with them. I would always be honest and tell them I just wasn't interested. Yeah, it sucked but they deserved the honesty.


(1) i'd rather have a girl lie and say they have a b/f than give me the number when they have no intention of answering the phone

(2) it's my point exactly, after 1 or 2 dates, it's unlikely that any guy could have done something so awful to not deserve some common courtesy

[ddrost1]

I think I would be hard pressed to find a woman that has not screened calls from guys that they consider "creepy".

hell, it's well documented on these boards that i recently had a girl screening my calls with whom i was supposedly in a relationship. it's amazing someone hasn't figured out what the "screwed up female" gene is yet, cause it's running rampant among the girls i find myself involved with.

sorry, as you can all tell, i'm bitter and i make no bones about it.

[compgeek82]

haha, that's funny ddrost1. I think the main thing here is that people are just inconsiderate. She could have been seeing other people and wanted you gone without her feeling bad about it. I don't think you're missing much. She'll have most likely been a waste of time in any case.

[fuzmiq]

I can't speak for other girls, but I hate confrontation. So, I choose the weeny way out and screen calls. I love! caller-ID. (sorry)

[Bsig84]

So when you guys say you "screen calls" does that mean it is after you have been on a couple of dates with the person? I have screened calls if I was not interested in someone who asked for my number, but not if I had actually gone on a couple of dates. You would think at that point, after getting to know them a little bit, they would deserve the truth.

I have had one guy that I tried to tell multiple times that I was not interested and just kept calling. That is when I stopped answering my phone. I don't understand why it is so hard for some guys to understand that it is over or that you aren't interested.

[fuzmiq]

I have had one guy that I tried to tell multiple times that I was not interested and just kept calling. That is when I stopped answering my phone. I don't understand why it is so hard for some guys to understand that it is over or that you aren't interested.

Well, I know someone who thinks of this situation as if he were selling something. Your "no" would just be a jumping off point to him.

The screening I am talking about is before dating.

[KCboy]

I don't think I've ever had a "I'm not interested" conversation, whether I was dumping or getting dumped.

I don't see cutting off communication as rude at all. It gets the point across all the same. If I've been out with someone a couple times, then I can't get a hold of them, I just figure 'oh well, didn't work out' and move on.

[redav]

I've found this type of thing to be pretty common.

There have been many times I've asked someone out, and afterwords get the cold shoulder. Since they don't tell me what's going on, I can't say why they do it, but the best that I've been able to figure out is that:

They don't want to hurt my feelings, and they hope that I will loose interest on my own. By acting in an unlikeable way, they hope that I won't like them anymore and move on. That way, it's my idea to cut it off so I shouldn't be upset with them, and they avoid the confrontation and guilt of having to tell me they aren't interested.

However, I'd rather they just tell me the truth no matter how bad since that helps me in the end. (How do you know what someone likes/dislikes and why they don't to be with you if they don't tell you?) The other problem with them acting like a person you wouldn't like is that you may actually end up not liking them--as a person. It can be hard to forgive people for treating you in a way you don't think you deserve.

[ScottyTheBody]

I don't think I've ever had a "I'm not interested" conversation, whether I was dumping or getting dumped.

I don't see cutting off communication as rude at all. It gets the point across all the same. If I've been out with someone a couple times, then I can't get a hold of them, I just figure 'oh well, didn't work out' and move on.

I guess it begs the question, at what point is it just miscommunication and at what point is it lack of interest?

First I call. If I get nothing I'll either leave a message or call again later. If I still get nothing I'll definitely leave a message after the second call if I didn't leave one earlier. After that, I usually just leave it.

However, you then get people who don't check their machine, people who don't have answering machines, etc and then there's that nagging voice in the back of your head picturing one of these scenarios. At what point do you just leave it or try again?

I guess the problem with silence is that there's more room for interpretation than flatly stating "I'm not interested".

[KCboy]

I guess it begs the question, at what point is it just miscommunication and at what point is it lack of interest?

then get people who don't check their machine, people who don't have answering machines, etc and then there's that nagging voice in the back of your head picturing one of these scenarios. At what point do you just leave it or try again?

I guess the problem with silence is that there's more room for interpretation than flatly stating "I'm not interested".

if someone is really interested in me, I doubt they would forget to call back or whatever. If I am interested in someone and expect them to call, I pay attention to my voicemail.

[KCboy]

How do you know what someone likes/dislikes and why they don't to be with you if they don't tell you?)

why would you care what someone thinks about you after they've told you that they aren't interested?

what does it matter? you went out with someone, it didn't work, you go your separate ways.

their opinion of your flaws should be the last thing you take from the experience.

[wordsmith]

I am pretty unforgiving of the whole "falling off the face of the earth" scenario. Back in my single days, If more than one call went unreturned, I'd pretty much instantly "next" the person. If you're interested, call me back, because I damn sure won't be calling more than that once. If you don't call me back, too bad if you're just bad with returning messages, the ship has sailed.

I just have an extraordinarily low tolerance for feeling blown off. I'm this way with friends and family, too, though, not just dating. If I'm always the one making the call, lining up the night out, initiating the catching up e-mail, doing the visiting, etc., pretty soon, you're not hearing from me anymore. Pull your own weight, a relationship is a two-way street.

Snub me, and we're done. End of story.

[ddrost1]

I am pretty unforgiving of the whole "falling off the face of the earth" scenario. Back in my single days, If more than one call went unreturned, I'd pretty much instantly "next" the person. If you're interested, call me back, because I damn sure won't be calling more than that once. If you don't call me back, too bad if you're just bad with returning messages, the ship has sailed.

I just have an extraordinarily low tolerance for feeling blown off. I'm this way with friends and family, too, though, not just dating. If I'm always the one making the call, lining up the night out, initiating the catching up e-mail, doing the visiting, etc., pretty soon, you're not hearing from me anymore. Pull your own weight, a relationship is a two-way street.

Snub me, and we're done. End of story.

i might just love you hahahaha :p

[ddrost1]

I guess it begs the question, at what point is it just miscommunication and at what point is it lack of interest?

First I call. If I get nothing I'll either leave a message or call again later. If I still get nothing I'll definitely leave a message after the second call if I didn't leave one earlier. After that, I usually just leave it.

However, you then get people who don't check their machine, people who don't have answering machines, etc and then there's that nagging voice in the back of your head picturing one of these scenarios. At what point do you just leave it or try again?

I guess the problem with silence is that there's more room for interpretation than flatly stating "I'm not interested".

bingo. but more than that it's just common courtesy. which apparently isn't so common after all.

[drummer]

If I'm always the one making the call, lining up the night out, initiating the catching up e-mail, doing the visiting, etc., pretty soon, you're not hearing from me anymore. Pull your own weight, a relationship is a two-way street.

I agree with this, yet, with almost all my relationships (friend or more) it seems I'm generally the one making the call or at least initiating things. So if I blew off the people who rarely initiated calls to me, then I'd have far fewer friends than the small number I have already. This is not me putting down your way of doing things, just how things are for me.

It's a very frustrating thing. But sadly it seems to be a fact in even a lot of, what I think are, some of my closest friendships. Some people I'll completely give up on, but others I don't.

[wordsmith]

Everybody's got a different way of doing things, but for me, it's a matter of feeling taken for granted, or even faintly suspecting that I'm being viewed as desperate or the pest who can't take the hint that somebody's not that interested in spending time with me, when I'm the only one initiating contact...my pride doesn't allow for it.

Number one, it doesn't bother me at all to be alone. I'm a homebody, and I've spent long stretches of time living alone, being single. I'm social, and love being out with people who want to be out socializing with me, don't get me wrong. But I'm happy on my own, too. And when it comes right down to it, I'd MUCH rather be on my own than feel like I'm horning in on people who are ambivalent toward spending time with me.

[yogaflame13]

Interesting discussion.

Like what some of you have said, I think it's just a "path of least resistance" thing to not force the "I'm not that into you" conversation. I guess everyone is different, or at least interprets what "stage" a wanna-be relationship is at, and therefore what the appropriate protocol would be to communicate the lack of interest.

Like what wordsmith said, it is a bummer to be the one constantly making the effort to initiate hang-outs and/or dates. Maybe some people are very passive and expect the world to come to them, but I don't agree with that at all. Ideally, both people would participate equally if they were both interested, or so I say. :P

I kinda have a 3 strike rule, I guess....if I have to make 3 attempts to get something going and the other person isn't showing much determination to make it happen, then I stop trying. If the other person really IS crazy busy with school/work/life, I try not to let it leave a bitter taste in my mouth, but if I have reason to think the person is just being lazy, or dishonest about their intentions, than that is harder to swallow. You just gotta move on though, cause life is too short.

[12ax7]

I remember a seperate post a few weeks earlier where you described your plight.

I think that the "ignoring" thing is universally rude - the only time when it's marginally accpetable is in the early stages of dating - if, after a few dates one person isn't "feeling it", then it's usually accepted that intensional ignorance just means the person wasn't interested (not saying this justifies it).

However, if a relationship has progressed to a more serious/romantic nature, and has been this way for a while - there is NO excuse for pulling the "no communication" crap. Personally, I believe that the "abrupt silent treatment" routine is even more damaging and hurtful than verbal fights/arguments/breakups - because inherently it makes you question yourself at many levels (character, principles, morality, etc.) when it's completely not necessary - and this kind of thinking can obviously lead to more complicated problems.

[ddrost1]

I remember a seperate post a few weeks earlier where you described your plight.


yeah i finally got a couple of very BS explanations to the situation you describe, but such is life. my complaint in this post is that its a generalized trend i've observed more frequently lately than say, 3 years ago when i was dating. either that, or i'm significantly more repulsive and offensive than i was 3 years ago! :-p haha

[Lucky13]

I think its just easier for someone to cut off communication instead of saying "I'm not interested". Imagine this...you tell someone that very thing and they ask you why...then you've got to explain yourself when you really don't want to. The person could become upset and ask a million and one questions.Well to avoid all of that...not saying it always turns out the way you said...you...just stop calling.That way you don't have to do anything but pretend you don't exist to that person. People don't want to have to explain anything to anyone that doesn't matter to them. It suck and its stupid. Just like breaking up with someone by text or email...its all about avoiding confrontation. In a perfect world people would be more courteous and respectful but it doesn't work that way.

[yogaflame13]

I think its just easier for someone to cut off communication instead of saying "I'm not interested". Imagine this...you tell someone that very thing and they ask you why...then you've got to explain yourself when you really don't want to. The person could become upset and ask a million and one questions.Well to avoid all of that...not saying it always turns out the way you said...you...just stop calling.That way you don't have to do anything but pretend you don't exist to that person. People don't want to have to explain anything to anyone that doesn't matter to them. It suck and its stupid. Just like breaking up with someone by text or email...its all about avoiding confrontation. In a perfect world people would be more courteous and respectful but it doesn't work that way.

Yeah it blows, but to play devil's advocate here, having to tell someone "its not working, its over, etc" can be very difficult in some situations. I mean, if the person on the receiving end has emotional issues, or doesn't take it well, that can cause some ridiculous problems too, if not creating an "incident." I guess it's all about maturity for both parties; you gotta respect the other persons wishes either way. Easier said than done, but that's life I guess.

[ddrost1]

Yeah it blows, but to play devil's advocate here, having to tell someone "its not working, its over, etc" can be very difficult in some situations. I mean, if the person on the receiving end has emotional issues, or doesn't take it well, that can cause some ridiculous problems too, if not creating an "incident." I guess it's all about maturity for both parties; you gotta respect the other persons wishes either way. Easier said than done, but that's life I guess.

i guess what i'm saying is pick up the phone, be an adult, and tell the person you're not interested. if the person has a problem with this or tries to create an "incident", you're on the phone, and you just hang up.

i'm just glad to see that many of the people on here don't think it's appropriate even though they may or may not have participated in the fiasco at one point or another... :rolleyes:

[wordsmith]

Yeah it blows, but to play devil's advocate here, having to tell someone "its not working, its over, etc" can be very difficult in some situations. I mean, if the person on the receiving end has emotional issues, or doesn't take it well, that can cause some ridiculous problems too, if not creating an "incident."
Really, though, if somebody's actually unstable, it's totally possible that they'll still try to make your life hell whether you brush them off in a direct way or an indirect way. Even if you just do the fade-out, you can still wind up getting stalked, harrassed, etc. Going the backdoor route doesn't guarantee you a clean break in any context.

[Bsig84]

The only reason you could blow off someone like that is for selfish reasons. It's either that you are too scared to be honest or you just find it easier to ignore them. There is no way you can justify ignoring someone as a good thing for them. It is only going to confuse them and hurt them even more. It will show that you didn't care enough to even be honest with them and they aren't worth your time.

[fuzmiq]

Considering I am in this situation right now (waiting to hear from someone), I have to say that I would rather him just not respond than to say that he doesn't like me and here are the reasons why.

Maybe that's not adult, but it's my preference.

[marion]

lack of response generally tends to indicate a lack of sufficient interest - i know this is a source of much agony. the only way is to try to let it go.

[Mini14]

I remember a seperate post a few weeks earlier where you described your plight.

I think that the "ignoring" thing is universally rude - the only time when it's marginally accpetable is in the early stages of dating - if, after a few dates one person isn't "feeling it", then it's usually accepted that intensional ignorance just means the person wasn't interested (not saying this justifies it).

However, if a relationship has progressed to a more serious/romantic nature, and has been this way for a while - there is NO excuse for pulling the "no communication" crap. Personally, I believe that the "abrupt silent treatment" routine is even more damaging and hurtful than verbal fights/arguments/breakups - because inherently it makes you question yourself at many levels (character, principles, morality, etc.) when it's completely not necessary - and this kind of thinking can obviously lead to more complicated problems.

I definitely agree with this... couldn't think of a much better way of putting it!

[marion]

what about "too busy" excuses? how many strikes of this before it's a write-off?

[Mini14]

what about "too busy" excuses? how many strikes of this before it's a write-off?

If it's me and I really am too busy to catch up with someone, I make it really clear that I'd love to see them later when I have more time... and then follow this up as soon as I can. Either that or make a tentative arrangement for a time when we're both free, even if that's a little while off.
If I really was overwhelmed (e.g. with work) with no end in sight but I really wanted to see them, I think I would get in touch with them anyway to tell them this, that they haven't been forgotten (this hasn't happened yet though).

If someone tells me they're too busy to catch up I'll say 'no worries, let me know when you're free..' and if they do that's great, but if I don't hear from them within a reasonable period of time then I assume they're not interested...

So I guess the answer would be one strike.

[koolkat1980]

Ignoring and the silent treatment are not only universally rude...it may also make you look like a 'wuss' or a mamma's boy who's too scared face confrontation. Some woman might think your a pansy if you can't be more assertive to how you're feeling in a diplomatic way. ;):

[marion]

silence is pure prolonged frustration & generally bad form

[Mini14]

silence is pure prolonged frustration & generally bad form

Being left in limbo for any reason is generally not enjoyable :(

[kellybeen18]

I need this advice right now! I went out with a guy once...well, twice since we met at speed dating, so I guess that could be our first "date", then he wanted to join my book club, so we did that together, so is that one date, two dates or three?!...

Anyway, I'm not really interested in him as more than a friend, but when he called last night, I felt rude to not answer. Then he asked me to go out with him tomorrow night. I didn't really want to, but I said okay because I couldn't think of an excuse and I couldn't tell him I'm not interested. I know it's horrible to lead him on, but how do I tell him?! I don't think I could just say, "I'm not interested" literally. I think I should have just not answered because that would be better than making him think I'm interested.

Or is there a way to make myself so unattractive that he loses interest in me?! :evil:

[KCboy]

what about "too busy" excuses? how many strikes of this before it's a write-off?

if someone makes an excuse when I ask them out, I assume they are blowing me off unless they have a counteroffer.

"I've got such and such going on that night, but how about this other night instead?"

[wordsmith]

if someone makes an excuse when I ask them out, I assume they are blowing me off unless they have a counteroffer.

"I've got such and such going on that night, but how about this other night instead?"

Agreed. Even the most politely offered decline is still a decline, and if the other party doesn't propose an alternative, I'll assume the interest is not there. This goes for extending invites to things to casual acquaintances, too, not just dating. If you enjoy my company, you'll offer up a suggestion for spending time together, if my suggestion doesn't work.

[spiritedaway]

Yup, agreed. Most people will propose an alternative time/suggestion, even if they're really busy.

if someone makes an excuse when I ask them out, I assume they are blowing me off unless they have a counteroffer.

"I've got such and such going on that night, but how about this other night instead?"

[marion]

even if it happens just once (without counter-offer)? do you find yourself taking it personally a rejection or just sort of accepting that people have many priorities competing for their time?

[hula1985]

I'm guilty of doing this in the past. If I just wasn't feeling attracted to them on physical, intellectual, or other levels I just distanced myself. I didn't want to have to explain the real reasons why I didn't want to continue seeing them. I didn't want to come off as vain, or that I thought I was superior to them in some way... so I just wussed out and stopped answering calls.

Then later on, I realized that there's no point hiding the truth if you really feel that it won't work out. So I've changed and become a 'Just Say It' girl.