With dating, how do you keep yourself from becoming jaded?

[Vivalasonbabes]

At the end of yet another failed relationship, dating situation, whatever, how do you guys keep yourself from becoming jaded?
I've dated quite a few guys. Some relationships were great and fun, others were awful. About 2 years ago, I got myself into a terrible dating situation, which destroyed my confidence (and my soul a little bit), and I decided to stay single for awhile.
Well, after two years, I finally got the confidence to start dating again. I actually met someone really great. We dated for a couple of months, but, well, let me just say I have a feeling it's coming to an end fairly soon, (it's probably already over in his mind).
After all the bullsh**, lies, excuses, and horrible behavior, how does anyone even keep up the strength to keep dating? I know we do it so we can hopefully some day meet "the one," but even if you do meet someone you'll end up marrying, that marriage has a 50% chance of divorce! Anyone else feel jaded by all this?

[dreams82]

Yes.

And to answer your question, 'how do you keep yourself from becoming jaded'?

I don't. I am jaded. End of story. Sorry I am no help, let's see if others can be.

[Skyblade]

I guess a big part of not becoming jaded is being comfortable with yourself and realizing that if someone doesn't see how great you are, then they don't deserve to be in your life.

I just went through another breakup a few weeks ago. The guy ends up posting a profile on a dating site one week after we break up. Something like this has happened in pretty much every relationship I've ever had, the guy just starts dating immediately. I've spent a lot of time blaming myself for this, thinking that something was wrong with me that guys are just able to move on so easily after dating me. But you know, its really their problem, not mine.

I think another important part of not getting jaded too is realizing that you are a cool, awesome person even if someone else doesn't necessarily think so.

[AsianGeek]

I think that the majority of people in their mid twenties become jaded in some way. But all it takes is that one person to change everything. Unfortunately, you'll probably go through lots of people who will disappoint you before you find that special someone.

[vinsanity]

I've been pretty jaded about dating for a while now, and have actually grown comfortable with the idea that I'll probably be single for an indefinite amount of time from here on. Although it's not a healthy attitude to think that you're destined to be doomed for relationship failure, I believe it's just as harmful to keep your hopes up always thinking that the next person you date will be "the one".

[KCboy]

this has happened in pretty much every relationship I've ever had, the guy just starts dating immediately.

I think that's a guy thing. I always do stuff like that - as soon as I break up with a woman I'm out looking for other options. It doesn't mean I didn't care about the person I just broke up with, but 'getting back on that horse' is a distraction and reminds me that there are plenty of other women out there.

I don't see much value in sitting around moping about the past. I'm not saying you can't learn from it, but I don't think there's a necessary cooling off period that's required after a break up.

I don't think I, personally, ever get 100% over the previous relationship until I've met/pursued someone new.

[Skyblade]

Yeah, I suppose it's just a guy thing. I've tried to do the same and find myself feeling worse. I think me personally, that I need a mourning period. Although, I'm finding as I go through more relationships, the mourning period gets shorter and shorter, which is a blessing I guess :).

[yankeeyosh]

For me, it's not jadedness...it's more urgency. I just feel like time is running out. Not because I am 30, which isn't exactly that old, but I'm 30 with little dating experience and less intimacy experience. Most people, it seems like, expect some kind of experience by this point, and if you aren't smooth, they'll politely shy away. That's what I think is happening now with someone I'm dating currently. We're going out again Sunday, but I think this may be it, because I wasn't what you would call smooth when we met last night, and she might have been spooked out a bit by it.

[soulllfulvirgo]

To kind of paraphrase what another poster was saying, I think it'd be a good idea to get comfortable with being okay spending an "indefinite" amount of time being single.

Don't think about or live your life in "waiting." Meaning, don't live your life for the next relationship.

My last real relationship ended three years ago. Since then, I've been on dates and dated people but each experience ended fairly quickly. I used to let it upset me quite a bit. But I got over it, and began to see this time in life as an opportunity to focus on MY SELF (personal goals, professional goals, hobbies, etc.)

I have a friend whose mantra used to be "i'm just bad at relationships" (this used to bug me because I thought he was self-aggrandizing at times)
but he also used to say in combination with that, "i put self first."

A couple of years ago, I thought what he was saying was self-serving and somewhat selfish, but dude had a point! I see that now, because that's me RIGHT NOW.

I like the benevolent aspects of being in a relationship - reciprocity and all of that. But I think those needs can be expressed in part also through nurturing friendships in various ways, reconnecting with family, mentoring, or casual interactions w/ strangers on the street as well.

As far as all of this relates to dating...I think that going on a date every now and then is still good - and those bad apples will make you more readily able to distinguish what you want and don't want in the future. But I think we must try to keep our priorities and out expectations in check. And I think it becomes more natural the more experience we have. :heehee:






At the end of yet another failed relationship, dating situation, whatever, how do you guys keep yourself from becoming jaded?
I've dated quite a few guys. Some relationships were great and fun, others were awful. About 2 years ago, I got myself into a terrible dating situation, which destroyed my confidence (and my soul a little bit), and I decided to stay single for awhile.
Well, after two years, I finally got the confidence to start dating again. I actually met someone really great. We dated for a couple of months, but, well, let me just say I have a feeling it's coming to an end fairly soon, (it's probably already over in his mind).
After all the bullsh**, lies, excuses, and horrible behavior, how does anyone even keep up the strength to keep dating? I know we do it so we can hopefully some day meet "the one," but even if you do meet someone you'll end up marrying, that marriage has a 50% chance of divorce! Anyone else feel jaded by all this?

[ddrost1]

At the end of yet another failed relationship, dating situation, whatever, how do you guys keep yourself from becoming jaded?

It's pretty well documented on these boards that I don't, I simply admit to being such. I'm now in the situation of staying single, partying a lot, and focusing on getting my ass out of grad school and getting a job. Its possible that I will forfeit some opportunities for "successful" relationships by this strategy, but I am even more confident that I will forfeit many more opportunities for unsuccessful ones.

[Lucky13]

You said that once a person finds the one there is a 50% chance of divorce but what about the other 50% of success. People don't take the time to know their partners anymore (at least it seems that way to me). If people actually took that time and had a great foundation things will work. I have been to hell and back with dating but I just can't bring myself to be down about it and think I'll never find the one or that every relationship will be bad. I'm only bringing religion into this to say something about myself but I just keep thinking god is holding onto someone special for me....even if I am single for a while...I have learned a lot about myself in this time so it's worth it. I'm wounded from those bad things but those wounds are healing. Just say no to being jaded.

[bluespoon]

im constantly fighting off becoming jaded. theres still that hopeful part of me, but at the same time ive learned not to become too hopeful. if i find someone special, fantastic. at this point in my life right now, i look at it as a supplement to my life, not a requirement. ive long since eliminated this fantasy that there's ONE soul mate out there (i like carrie bradshaw's philosphy that we can have multiple soul mates...if you miss one, along comes another one, like a cab :p)

[HDC80]

Jaded. Its such a harsh term that it seems more and more people are embracing.

As for how to not be jaded......thats tough, for each individual that is going to be a different answer. For me, Im totally jaded, never was before but my last relationship totally pushed me over the edge.......we were together just shy of 3 years, and decided to move in together.....not only had he been cheating, but he then IMMEDIATELY moved out of my place and in with her....the icing.....they JUST got engaged. Yeah, talk about a kick in the stomach. All that time and effort only to be screwed over and for him to have his happily ever after.

Skyblade...Im like the guys you describe....I head right back out and start dating. For me being IN the game reminds me that Im still part of it and there are new and fun people out there to meet.....and if we meet and they suck or are jerks, now there is another funny story to tell friends over a drink or passing EMails during the day.

Ive pretty much resigned myself to being a spinster. Im so damaged from my last relationship I dont want anyone to get close ever again.....just based on the fact of how much I was torn apart by this last guy who I let in and shared so much with-----because of his destruction, I cant do that with another person.

Has made dating interesting.....some guys love the no label idea, others want to get married and have kids, to which I usually laugh in their face and tell them thats exactly what I DONT want.

If anything, by not getting serious or working towards marriage, it will at least keep life interesting. So much for getting married in my 20s!

[Skyblade]

I think another thing is when you've gone through a good amount of relationships, you begin to think that you just pick bad people. That's what I worry about now...my last 2 relationships was an abusive one, and then one where I was in love with the person and he just liked "hanging out" and wanted nothing more. I want to pick someone who is completely available, and not abusive and I worry about my ability to do so.

[AsianGeek]

I don't think you really get to pick what your interest turns out to be. I suppose as we start to get older we get more and more into the mentality of "aim low reach your goals, avoid disappointment."

[wordsmith]

I get pretty jaded on people, overall...not even in relationship to dating. Most people I meet aren't worth a ton, to be honest. But there are always a few jewels mixed in with all the crap, and it's always been worth sifting through the crap to find them. But all the low-quality people you come across in the process sure can be depressing.

[MLMaestro]

Well...I think the way to avoid becoming jaded is to refrain from self-blame. I know it is hard, been there done that, but sometimes it really is less of our fault if we can touch our hearts and know that we have done all we can.

A lot of people in the world probably won't appreciate us, but it is also heartening to know that there will be some who do.

[UtopiaFive]

Not at all.

I am a guy, so my perspective might be a bit different than yours. Currently, I just have the mindset that "I'm gonna keep going out, keep meeting new girls, keep hooking up with new ones, unless I meet someone who is special, and we mutually want to be exclusive".

Now, you might just think "that's sleazy", but all its helping me do is to see the commonalities in all women. After that point, its easy to see the differences between them. When I really find a girl who *I* feel is put together, then I'm sure that we will get along just great, and I might even slow down and have a more monogomous type relationship.

Qualities like neediness, lack of energy and vitality, boringness, not truly knowing who you are, insecurities -- things that I am slowly ridding myself of, and also identifying in others, suck.

But honestly, as fucked up as I might be, I know that most Americans are even more so, and if I'm busy dealing with my personal problems, I don't want to have be someone else's "life coach" as well.

Basically, there are two things I can get from women:
- sexual relationship
- emotional connection

I'm okay in the first department, and still looking for the second one. I'm okay with the fact that it could take a while, or not be there at all.

Unfortunately, society is going to call a girl a slut for acting like me.

You can still do that, but you'll have to either:
1. Don't care
2. Keep it to yourself

Going through a bunch of guys for a short period of time will probably do you some good in terms of helping you find 'that right kind of guy'.

And BTW, you really don't know someone until you've slept with them a few times. I'm sure you can agree with that, even if the ramifications sound fucked up. Haha. Sorry.

Again, I'm a guy, so its hard for me to really understand how these things have an effect on women.

BTW make sure that what you're saying you want (a real, solid relationship) is really want you want, and not what others (your parents, or society) wants. It sounds like a stupid comment, but for years I chased things I didn't truly care about -- but instead things that society implied that I would want. (Lots of money, social status, etc.) Because if you're not doing what YOU really want, you will self-sabotage and fail anyway.

Otherwise -- be positive, BE HAPPY, enjoy life, HAVE FUN, and know what you're looking for without "needing" it, and things will start rolling in your direction

--Tom

At the end of yet another failed relationship, dating situation, whatever, how do you guys keep yourself from becoming jaded?
I've dated quite a few guys. Some relationships were great and fun, others were awful. About 2 years ago, I got myself into a terrible dating situation, which destroyed my confidence (and my soul a little bit), and I decided to stay single for awhile.
Well, after two years, I finally got the confidence to start dating again. I actually met someone really great. We dated for a couple of months, but, well, let me just say I have a feeling it's coming to an end fairly soon, (it's probably already over in his mind).
After all the bullsh**, lies, excuses, and horrible behavior, how does anyone even keep up the strength to keep dating? I know we do it so we can hopefully some day meet "the one," but even if you do meet someone you'll end up marrying, that marriage has a 50% chance of divorce! Anyone else feel jaded by all this?

[wordsmith]

Well...I think the way to avoid becoming jaded is to refrain from self-blame. I know it is hard, been there done that, but sometimes it really is less of our fault if we can touch our hearts and know that we have done all we can.

A lot of people in the world probably won't appreciate us, but it is also heartening to know that there will be some who do.

I think this is a really important attitude to cultivate. When I was much younger (think teenager), like most kids, I took people and they way they acted very much to heart, even if they weren't people I was especially close to. I tend toward the thin-skinned, anyway, but getting kicked around over the years toughened my hide at least somewhat. Now, rather than get super depressed over somebody's assiness, I tend to just write them off and move on. "Next." It may make me come off as a bit intolerant of missteps (and truth be known, I probably am...), but I can live with that. Life is far too short to keep giving "byes" to people who don't prove themselves to be good to and for you.

[gemma-dahl]

I'm just surrounded by too many mediocre people who have no goals or aspirations. If they have decent jobs, they want to punch in and punch out, do the bare minimum. Many went to college and grad school so they could bag groceries (because it's oh-so-hip to shun achievement and effort, which must be incredibly easy when your parents are bankrolling you) and show up to work after a night of binge drinking, because the work is so menial you can do it with a raging hangover. These just aren't people with whom I identify.

Yes, I am just really disappointed by people my age, I guess. My assumption that once college was over, so, too, would the "frat bro" behavior end. Guess I was way wrong. I completely sympathize with what the people in this thread are experiencing.

[LaFille]

And BTW, you really don't know someone until you've slept with them a few times. I'm sure you can agree with that, even if the ramifications sound fucked up. Haha. Sorry.

Huh? Can you explain that?

[Skyblade]

I'm just surrounded by too many mediocre people who have no goals or aspirations. If they have decent jobs, they want to punch in and punch out, do the bare minimum. Many went to college and grad school so they could bag groceries (because it's oh-so-hip to shun achievement and effort, which must be incredibly easy when your parents are bankrolling you) and show up to work after a night of binge drinking, because the work is so menial you can do it with a raging hangover. These just aren't people with whom I identify.

Yes, I am just really disappointed by people my age, I guess. My assumption that once college was over, so, too, would the "frat bro" behavior end. Guess I was way wrong. I completely sympathize with what the people in this thread are experiencing.

Ha, that describes so many people in Portland. Replace binge drinking with getting high.

[KCboy]

I'm just surrounded by too many mediocre people who have no goals or aspirations. If they have decent jobs, they want to punch in and punch out, do the bare minimum.

just because someone's goals don't agree with yours, doesn't mean that they don't have goals at all, just different priorities.

[gemma-dahl]

just because someone's goals don't agree with yours, doesn't mean that they don't have goals at all, just different priorities.

No doubt. But I've found that people with the goals I share are less likely to be party animals. Some might like hanging out with party animals, but it's not for me.

[gemma-dahl]

Ha, that describes so many people in Portland. Replace binge drinking with getting high.

I've been told this of this Portland you speak of... :haha:

[ScottyTheBody]

Huh? Can you explain that?

Yeah apparently by that logic I don't really know any of my relatives or best friends because I haven't slept with them several times.

Truth of the matter is you don't really know somebody SEXUALLY if you haven't had sex with them several times (as in what they do during sex, what turns them on sexually during sex, etc). I think you can definitely know somebody without having sex.

[UtopiaFive]

Huh? Can you explain that?

Girls I know act subtly different before and after we've hooked up. Always.

In particular, I've noticed negative traits stop being hidden afterwards. Girls are never needy up front...do you know when neediness (definitely an unattractive trait) comes up? If you know what 'sexual tension' is...that does effect peoples' behaviors. You stop being worried about what a person might think of you early on when its gone.

Actually, if I think of 'mainstream dating', as in guy meets girl, guy takes girl out to dinner+movie X times, ... Yeah you can probably go out to 3 or 4 times and spend all that time and money and get to know "facts" about the other person, but whats more important is really the "behaviors" you see the other person doing. Honestly, all the 'information' in the world is not going to help you know me (where I went to school, what I do for work, etc), but its really 'subtle behaviors and reactions' that people have that makes them comfortable with one another. And a lot of those things change at various points in a relationship.

Feel free to read 'way of the superior man' by david deida for an interesting perspective. He won't really say what I'm saying, but it'll give you a non-standard perspective where you might be able to see where I'm coming from, rather than having a more likely 20 something year old reaction of "What the fuck is this guy ON?"

Yeah apparently by that logic I don't really know any of my relatives or best friends because I haven't slept with them several times.

Yeah buddy, whatever. You know what I'm talking about.

[KCboy]

Yeah apparently by that logic I don't really know any of my relatives or best friends because I haven't slept with them several times.

In a way, yes.

I think after you have (no pun intended) exposed yourself to someone sexually, certain barriers fall. Getting to know someone sexually is knowing them at a level you could never get to without the vulnerability of sex.

[KCboy]

No doubt. But I've found that people with the goals I share are less likely to be party animals. Some might like hanging out with party animals, but it's not for me.

I agree with you - goals/priorities are unique to everyone, and the people you referenced seem different enough from you to not consider dating. But your initial post seemed to talk down to people who didn't have career as priority #1, or who haven't matured to your level yet.

They might be different, and unappealing to you, but it doesn't make them second-class citizens.

[wordsmith]

Pffft. You can have sex with somebody and not know them at all. It doesn't matter how many times you sleep with somebody. You only know them as well as they choose to let you know them. Don't kid yourself. Sex doesn't make people vulnerable. Their emotional state does.

[HDC80]

No doubt. But I've found that people with the goals I share are less likely to be party animals. Some might like hanging out with party animals, but it's not for me.


Thats an interesting statement. You've never met someone with big goals and dreams and working hard towards them that also parties? Sounds like you might have a very small circle you run with, or that you make sure to only have a small circle.

I know people with bigger life goals than myself that work damn hard, but also party. I also have high aspirations for myself and work damn hard every week, but also like to go out let my hair down, have a few and be a bit of an ass and laugh at myself and have a good time.

[gemma-dahl]

I agree with you - goals/priorities are unique to everyone, and the people you referenced seem different enough from you to not consider dating. But your initial post seemed to talk down to people who didn't have career as priority #1, or who haven't matured to your level yet.

They might be different, and unappealing to you, but it doesn't make them second-class citizens.

Unfortunately, the area where I live has not retained its best and brightest in my particular age range. A post-industry, sluggish, mostly service-based economy will do that. A lot of people are just as jaded as I am; difference being, they drink to overcome it. I'm mainly not interested in the partying.

I guess I also don't know how to meet people, post-college. I'm learning. But I started trying to socialize in the bars, and what you're going to meet there is...people who like bars!

I want friends who talk about more than superficial trivia. People who are well-read and deeply engaged in the world around them. These types are few and far between, in general. That's just how it goes.

You've never met someone with big goals and dreams and working hard towards them that also parties? Sounds like you might have a very small circle you run with, or that you make sure to only have a small circle.

You're right, in a way. I don't have personal transportation, so I'm somewhat limited in my socializing. Unfortunately, the area of town that I live in is a hipster-gangster hybrid, and there aren't many folks like me in it. BUT, I have met great people at parties...the kind of parties more geared towards business or political issues. I have noticed a running theme; most are older than I am and just don't have time to socialize.

But it's good to have the contacts, and it's good to know that there are people with whom I can relate out there.

I don't look down on parties, please understand. I just have no interest in people who require alcohol or pot to function on a day-to-day basis. When the partying is the PRIORITY, I can't mesh, you know?

[wordsmith]

I think there's a definite distinction between "people who party" when it's used to mean "attend social events," and "people who party" when it's used to mean "lifestyle that includes regular drug and/or alcohol use and/or abuse." Context, context.

[drummer]

I can see where gemma-dahl is coming from. I went to a big college where most people's stories began with, "So like, I was so effin' wasted last night that ______." At my job at the moment is more of those people. I find these stories really boring and not interesting. We get it, you drink a large amount of this and you act dumb. Not interesting. Not original.

I, however, love going to bars. I like to drink, though I don't drink to the point I get drunk. Drinking, like anything (politics, religion, your work, etc...), has its good people and the people who you can't stand. That kind of ties into what wordsmith said above me. I hangout in the "hipster" crowd, which generally where I come from is not people yelling "Party!" and "Let's get fucked up!!" No one's playing beer pong. No keg stands. So it's mostly people that are pretty laid back and cool. But yeah, some people hate that crowd too, so whatever, that's fine if you might feel that way. I'm not here trying to say how great my "people" are or anything...

So anyway, I understand some of what you're (gemma-dahl) talking about. Thirty minutes from where I live is where I went to college. Where I really fit in. Where almost everyone I see looks like someone I'd like to know. Whereas where I live now (the suburbs) I've literally yet to meet a single person I would be interested in (as far as dating).

[wordsmith]

Thirty minutes from where I live is where I went to college. Where I really fit in. Where almost everyone I see looks like someone I'd like to know. Whereas where I live now (the suburbs) I've literally yet to meet a single person I would be interested in (as far as dating).


It will be interesting, I think, for you to see how this shifts in five years. Even three.

Not in the sense that you'll suddently start finding everyone in suburbia (or wherever you are) interesting, necessarily, but in the sense that you'll stop relating so much to the college scene (be it your own college scene or other college-age scenes).

That said, I really like your college town, not so much for the student scene, but for the overall atmosphere. I'm generally like that with college towns.

[gemma-dahl]

It will be interesting, I think, for you to see how this shifts in five years. Even three.

Not in the sense that you'll suddently start finding everyone in suburbia (or wherever you are) interesting, necessarily, but in the sense that you'll stop relating so much to the college scene (be it your own college scene or other college-age scenes).

I agree with this. Over the past, say, 2 or 3 years, I have found I really can't identify with college students anymore. When I worked at the paper, my closest friends were middle-aged, and that really was the catalyst for suddenly being unable to identify with the college crowd.

[gemma-dahl]

I can see where gemma-dahl is coming from. I went to a big college where most people's stories began with, "So like, I was so effin' wasted last night that ______." At my job at the moment is more of those people. I find these stories really boring and not interesting. We get it, you drink a large amount of this and you act dumb. Not interesting. Not original.

Yes, exactly. That's what I mean - getting wasted to the detriment of all else.

[HDC80]

Well then to clarify....I go out for drinks with friends...sometimes I have a few too many and get a little silly, but I dont get so bad that I cant walk or am dancing on tables.

As for the hipster crowd, those are people that I cant identify with. Sitting in a bar, hanging out, those people to me, seem to think they are better or cooler than the rest.....Im just too much of a let it all hang out and be who you are type person.

Personally Ill talk to anyone, anytime anywhere. Ive found that the more people I talk to and learn about, the more understanding I have for all different walks of life. Strippers, drug dealers, millionares, professionals, unemployed, recent grads, college students, etc etc etc.

There are just too many people out there to only corner myself into one bracket of 'type' of person.

[AsianGeek]

There are just too many people out there to only corner myself into one bracket of 'type' of person.

I wish more people in the world thinks like that.

[HDC80]

Thanks.
I wish the same.

[vinsanity]

Well then to clarify....I go out for drinks with friends...sometimes I have a few too many and get a little silly, but I dont get so bad that I cant walk or am dancing on tables.

As for the hipster crowd, those are people that I cant identify with. Sitting in a bar, hanging out, those people to me, seem to think they are better or cooler than the rest.....Im just too much of a let it all hang out and be who you are type person.

Personally Ill talk to anyone, anytime anywhere. Ive found that the more people I talk to and learn about, the more understanding I have for all different walks of life. Strippers, drug dealers, millionares, professionals, unemployed, recent grads, college students, etc etc etc.

There are just too many people out there to only corner myself into one bracket of 'type' of person.

That's what I love about this one really good friend of mine. She loves meeting new people, and everyone she meets loves her because not only is she the coolest person I know, but she makes you feel like a "cool" person, too.

[AsianGeek]

I'd like to meet that friend of yours

[vinsanity]

I'd like to meet that friend of yours

She's on my myspace; the fourth one on my friends list.

Just promise me you won't engage in any of this internet stalking nonsense

[wordsmith]

I agree with this. Over the past, say, 2 or 3 years, I have found I really can't identify with college students anymore. When I worked at the paper, my closest friends were middle-aged, and that really was the catalyst for suddenly being unable to identify with the college crowd.

Ditto. I moved back to my hometown, and the very few people who were still there who were my own age were not people I had tons in common with, so I tended to spend my time with a more randomly aged crowd.

It's so funny...I live and work in a part of my city home to several colleges and universities, and my current workplace is a mix of recent grads and people in their late twenties to midthirties, mainly. Those of us who are, say, 26+, are constantly lobbying for happy hours, etc. to be held someplace that's NOT a college bar.

My best friend from college, who was my roommate and fellow RA for three years, and I went back for our five-year reunion at Homecoming a few years ago, and we were interested in the nostalgia of popping into the place that was "the" college hangout in our teeny, picturesque little college town...and we just really found, to our dismay, that we couldn't appreciate it so much anymore, didn't even really appeal so much for reminiscing purposes. Sometimes, for whatever reason, you just can't go back. A little wistful, in that case, but true.

[drummer]

It will be interesting, I think, for you to see how this shifts in five years. Even three.

Not in the sense that you'll suddently start finding everyone in suburbia (or wherever you are) interesting, necessarily, but in the sense that you'll stop relating so much to the college scene (be it your own college scene or other college-age scenes).

That said, I really like your college town, not so much for the student scene, but for the overall atmosphere. I'm generally like that with college towns.

Definitely true. Maybe what I really mean is that at this point in my life I really like urban areas more than suburban areas. I was raised in the suburbs. I don't hate them or anything like that, but I feel really energized by more urban areas like Lawrence (my college town) or Kansas City.

Plus my interests just generally coincide with what I associate with more urban-like things. Art, local music, night life, etc...

And it's not to say no other people exist in the suburbs who enjoy those things, but when I go to Kansas City or Lawrence, I feel like a vast majority of people I run into or strangers I see, I feel like they might be similar to me. Whereas where I currently live, I don't really see that.

The way I dress I see everywhere in my college town or in an area like Kansas City. I've yet to see hardly anyone like that where I currently live. And again, it's not to say people have to dress like me or I don't want to know them, but it is often an easy indicator of some sort of compatibility. Not all the time, but can be. My roommate all through college (and still one of my best friends), we dress completely different and obsessively follow completely different types of music. So I don't want to come off as, "You better like these same bands, better enjoy these same movies, etc...or I don't want to talk to you!" Just tonight I drove by the Record Bar (a small music venue/bar in KC) and saw a lot of people hanging out outside after a show. It was rap and hip/hop I think, music I don't really enjoy, but I just thought that was great that people were out, seeing a show, etc...So again, I don't want to come off that you have to like the same things or dress just like me or else I don't want to talk to you. My comments earlier were more about what people I'm more inclined to form a romantic relationship with, but not the only people, either. Just like if religion was your main passion in life, you'd likely prefer to form a relationship with someone who shared that. For me, that's music, so if someone likes similar music to me that immediately is a big plus.

And like HDC80 says, I do enjoy meeting people of all backgrounds. While there can be a certain type of people I quickly identify with, it doesn't mean I think everyone else sucks.

[drummer]

My best friend from college, who was my roommate and fellow RA for three years, and I went back for our five-year reunion at Homecoming a few years ago, and we were interested in the nostalgia of popping into the place that was "the" college hangout in our teeny, picturesque little college town...and we just really found, to our dismay, that we couldn't appreciate it so much anymore, didn't even really appeal so much for reminiscing purposes. Sometimes, for whatever reason, you just can't go back. A little wistful, in that case, but true.

It's already weird watching KU basketball games now. I'm like, "Wow, I don't go there anymore."

[drummer]

Sitting in a bar, hanging out, those people to me, seem to think they are better or cooler than the rest.....Im just too much of a let it all hang out and be who you are type person.

Sure, this could be true. But really, that can be true for any group of people. Hipsters might think they're more interesting than frat/sorority people and frat/sorority people might think they're cooler than hipsters. It's the same as politics - Republicans, Democrats, Independents, etc...These people are just trying to be who they really are, what seems to fit for them.

And I think whenever a group strays from what people consider normal (whether it's fashion, music, political viewpoints, etc...), a lot of people will construe that as "elitist" or "they just think they're so much better than everyone else."

Certain people wear black, because that feels right. They probably don't look at people who wear bright colors as "their crowd" or what seems right to them. It doesn't mean they go around bashing these people. On the other side, people who wear bright colors or whatever is considered "normal" might look at people in all black and think they're just "weird" or "must be really, really angry." They too don't necessarily go around bashing these people.

Sure, some do. Assholes exist in every group. Some hipsters are jerks. Some mainstream people ("mainsteam people" is a very lame description, but for lack of a better term...) are jerks. Some religious people who strive to "love thy neighbor" are jerks. There are also great people in all these groups as well. (And I'm also not implying that everyone is categorized in a "group" either).

[wordsmith]

In any subset of the population, there are people who are just being who comes naturally, and there are people who are unsure of who they are, and are trying on various trappings and personae for size or effect.

[drummer]

In any subset of the population, there are people who are just being who comes naturally, and there are people who are unsure of who they are, and are trying on various trappings and personae for size or effect.

Definitely.

[wordsmith]

For what it's worth, I can still read your post, and I agree.

[UnionAveGirl]

I too will am in the already jaded crowd. I'm tired of being hopeful when there doesn't seem to be much to be hopeful about. Much easier to be pestimistic and seal up my heart then too keep getting it ground into hamburger. I wish I had something more positive to say.

[vinsanity]

I too will am in the already jaded crowd. I'm tired of being hopeful when there doesn't seem to be much to be hopeful about. Much easier to be pestimistic and seal up my heart then too keep getting it ground into hamburger. I wish I had something more positive to say.

meh, there's really nothing to apologize for; for every happy ending, there's at least one other relationship stalemate exactly like you described. Maybe it's God's way of saying that the world is getting overpopulated :frustrate:

[PenforPrez]

I too will am in the already jaded crowd. I'm tired of being hopeful when there doesn't seem to be much to be hopeful about. Much easier to be pestimistic and seal up my heart then too keep getting it ground into hamburger. I wish I had something more positive to say.

I'm the same way. I'm tired of getting my hopes up when I meet somebody I like, only to find out they're not single or not interested in me or just fricking crazy (as in certifiably so). I don't even go on dates with these people; it never gets that far. But I keep hoping and keep getting my heart broken. How many times a fool?

Paul

[marion]

contrary to popular belief becoming jaded about anything takes less effort than not becoming jaded - it's about fighting natural entropy, i'm afraid.

[vinsanity]

contrary to popular belief becoming jaded about anything takes less effort than not becoming jaded - it's about fighting natural entropy, i'm afraid.

no, that sounds about right.

[marion]

but be ware - not being jaded may mean being perceived as naive, deluded &/or generally lacking in strategic social foresight.

[vinsanity]

but be ware - not being jaded may mean being perceived as naive, deluded &/or generally lacking in strategic social foresight.

I'll remember that next time someone pesters me about being jaded ;):

[marion]

but then again being jaded can be a sign of dysfunction, seduction incompetence & of course being a murderer-in-waiting. one can not win in the fickle realm of categorisation - if you live by the sword, you die by the sword...

[vinsanity]

I really can't win here, can I?

[marion]

pick thy poison & dip thy sword in it...

[vinsanity]

WOW. Well seduction incompetence has pretty much been the story of my life, but on the other hand, strategeric social foresight has never been my strong suit, either.

Tough call...

[marion]

seduction incompetence in isolation can be thoroughly appealing.

[vinsanity]

careful what you wish for...

[marion]

besides strategic social foresight is the territory of amateur manipulators who give the pros a bad name

[vinsanity]

so what do the pros have at their disposal?

[PenforPrez]

so what do the pros have at their disposal?

Pheromones. I think. :p

[marion]

so what do the pros have at their disposal?

wouldn't have a clue just know that if i feel myself getting brainwashed, i am in the hands of an amateur manipulator...