Reluctant about starting a family

[cab]

I just got married last October. My husband and I agreed that we will start a family in one to two years. Recently, we had a discussion about it and we both agreed that we will try in fall 09. I work in a school, which would make me pregnant throughout the entire 09-10 school year, aiming for a summer birth and have the entire summer off. Depending on how I cope with motherhood, I will take a year off, or head back to work the following school year.

Next week will be January and a start of the new year. I feel like the day of the agreed upon conception is fast approaching.

I'm excited, yet scared.

We're only 26 years old and I feel that I'm going to miss out on a lot of things (such as traveling and having fun, wild nights with friends) by having a baby.

But at the same time, I feel good about having a baby which means that I could take a, as my husband calls it, 'vacation' for a year. I feel bad about calling it that but that's what it would be for me. I don't really like my present job. I work with a wide variety of personalities, all I'm trying to please, and it's making me anxious and stressed and insecure.

So, basically, I feel like I'm mainly wanting to have a baby to escape my job. Isn't this bad? Anyone else feeling this? I've always considered myself a feminist and I feel tremendous guilt about 'selling out.'

[winneythepooh7]

Your concerns are valid and as a first-time pregnant person, I think the fear of the unknown and the ability to no longer have as much control over our lives by having a child, are some of the difficulties when deciding to have children.

We basically went into it with the attitude that "whatever happens, happens". We were fine with having a child and fine if it didn't happen. Which brings me to another subject.............a lot of people nowadays do have issues getting pregnant, so I would continue to live your life from day to day without planning too much out. It will happen, when it happens, if it happens.

I think there's really no "good time" to have a child, but if it's something that is wanted, it will end up working itself out.

Also having a child is certainly not a "vacation". I am home on maternity leave now for the next few months (baby isn't even here yet btw) and it pisses me off to no end when my husband refers to this time as "a vacation". I also know some SAHMs and I think they would wholeheartedly agree with me that being a SAHM or even taking some time off to raise a child for a few months (which is what I am doing) is a 24/7 job.

It's also very stressful not having the second income coming in. I am kicking myself right now for going on maternity leave when I did, and my baby is not even here yet. I could have made a couple extra paychecks. At the same time though, I know this is for the best, I really shouldn't have been commuting into work the past couple of weeks and I just needed some last minute "me" time before my life is changed completely.

[marion]

it's probably best to get those "other things" out of your system before you decide to have children - e.g. travelling. Your reluctance about the whole thing is quite glaring from your post, actually so perhaps postpone a little

[roulettefanatic]

hey, while i'm no expert on the subject (i'm not married and never had a child), i will tell you about my cousin who is 29...

he got married in 2006 and had a great wedding, moved into a nice condo, had a good job, all of that....however he and his wife had planned on going to Europe with his mother to see where the family is from and also where her family is from....

to make the story short, she ended up getting pregnant and the trip was scratched....the baby is here now and it's a wonderful thing for the both of them and the family as a whole, but he did miss out on the "other things" as someone put it....

his wife doesn't seem to mind since she wanted to be a mother from day one so it's all how you look at it and what's important to you....me personally, i feel like they were young and only married for a little bit so they should have seen more of the world and enjoyed each other more before starting a family but who am i to say if it was the right time?....

only you can know the answer to this question.....furthermore, i agree with the person who said it's no vacation being at home and pregnant and anticipating the birth of a child....

i don't think women are "selling out" by leaving their jobs to have children....i think the debate over who will take care of the child once work becomes an issue again is extremely controversial so i won't go there....in the end it's nature's way that only women can bear children and none of us will get around that....if your job is stressful, then you should try to find another one if you can....i hope this helps.....

[winneythepooh7]

Honestly, I think you can still travel and go out and party here and there if you have a child. That's where grandparents/siblings come in. At least for me, I have plenty of volunteers to watch the baby if we need to "get away". Understandably, not everyone has this option, but as it stands, my husband and I have a limited amount of time to travel/party what not WITHOUT a child. Once you are an adult and out of college, life and priorities change along with the abundant amounts of free time to do these things in general. The major difference I think is that it may entail more planning with a child to do these things, but then again, depending on what one does for a living, it still does require planning to do these things too WITHOUT a child.

[marion]

Honestly, I think you can still travel and go out and party here and there if you have a child. That's where grandparents/siblings come in. At least for me, I have plenty of volunteers to watch the baby if we need to "get away". Understandably, not everyone has this option, but as it stands, my husband and I have a limited amount of time to travel/party what not WITHOUT a child. Once you are an adult and out of college, life and priorities change along with the abundant amounts of free time to do these things in general. The major difference I think is that it may entail more planning with a child to do these things, but then again, depending on what one does for a living, it still does require planning to do these things too WITHOUT a child.

Without is definitely easier of course. From your posts you seem to be under considerable professional & financial stress but i am sure with prioritising it can be done.

[winneythepooh7]

Ummm, not entirely. :rolleyes:

[marion]

Ummm, not entirely. :rolleyes:

not entirely under stress or prioritising is not the solution to all woes?

[winneythepooh7]

Please stop trying to psychoanalyze me for whatever article you are writing.

[marion]

Even if that were true, this place wouldn't have enough material/action/posters on it for the research. I must confess it's all for sport...& maybe to glean some understanding.

[Krishna]

Winney, I'm pretty sure you're gonna be just fine no matter what you decide to do, "stress" or not. Sheesh. :rolleyes:


Anyways. To the OP. Yes, everything will probably be a little more work once you have kids. There might be a couple years where you don't travel...but that isn't necessarily permanent. You'll get back there eventually. My parents had me when they were 24, and didn't do a lot of what you're describing. Their vacations included the kids, and we went lots of fun places here in the U.S. Did they take that trip to Europe when they were 25? No. But on the plus side, they were only in their 40s when we all graduated high school, and they are doing all the traveling and stuff now...and they seem to appreciate it more now that they are older. :)

As far as a "vacation".....anyone who calls being a stay at home mom a "vaction" is full of it. It is a lot of work, and people who are calling it a vaction probably have never done it before. I by no means think you should feel guilty about taking a year off of work though, if that's what you decide to do. Staying at home with your child is a rather rare opportunity these days, but I think it is wonderful. I really hope that I'm financially stable enough to do that myself some day. :)

[marion]

it's alright - everyone has stresses - & yours ("winney") are well justified judging from the terrible interpersonal conflict you experience (as you describe in your posts) professionally.

[and1grad]

it's alright - everyone has stresses - & yours ("winney") are well justified judging from the terrible interpersonal conflict you experience (as you describe in your posts) professionally.
Lay off of winney or take your act to another site.

[marion]

If anybody wishes to censor others in terms of being quoted on things they themselves have articulated &/or object about individual opinions people form about them based once again upon what they themselves have written about themselves, they should censor themselves in the first instance.

[sparky88]

So, basically, I feel like I'm mainly wanting to have a baby to escape my job. Isn't this bad? Anyone else feeling this? I've always considered myself a feminist and I feel tremendous guilt about 'selling out.'

My two cents: Yes, I have felt that way in the past. Instead of having a baby, I decided to switch careers into something I loved. That way, I could think clearly about such a monumental decision. After being involved in said job for awhile, the desire to have a baby remained. I acknowledged and explored that desire and my husband and I began planning for a family.

I am also 26, but do not feel I am 'missing' anything by choosing to have a child. All the partying & traveling in the world could not replace the dream of having a family w/ my husband. We have had our fill of both at this point, and have no problem making a big lifestyle change right now.

My biggest concern is that your husband thinks that being your childs primary caretaker, 24/7, is comparable to a vacation. There is no way I would even consider having a child with a man who maintains that point-of-view. NO WAY. I think it would be wise to expose him to the realities of pregnancy/childrearing before you make any irreversable decisions together.

[wordsmith]

I would feel much more like I was missing out on something big by not raising children than BY raising children, myself. But everyone has their own perspective on that.

[marion]

the issue for the poster is timing

[cab]

I would love to have kids one of these days, but when is the right time? I don't know, I don't know. I'd like to get to know myself more, meet interesting people, try things like bungee jumping, make a spontaneous trip to Winstar Casino on a weeknight, take a weekend vacation to San Francisco. Basically, I'd like to have a selfish time. I want to get all of this out of my system because I never had these things before. When I was in college, I did very little partying because I had to hold down a couple of jobs to pay bills, I was too shy, I didn't have friends, etc.

The economy is not doing so hot right now, and word from my husband is that the higher ups are offering early retirement to those who are close to retirement age and if they don't get enough volunteers, they'd start chopping people. He's the main breadwinner and has a good job with a good company, whereas I work in non-profit...making no profit. I can't imagine having to support us plus a baby plus a mortgage with my measly salary.

So, I'd like to postpone for a longer time, maybe 2 to 2 1/2 years. However, at the same time, I would really love to have kids now and I'm unhappy in my current job situation (which hopefully will only be temporary) and would like to escape from it by shooting out a couple brats ;) and taking a year off to take care of the baby and figure out what I would really want to be when I grow up.

When I graduated from college, I had naively thought that I'd have everything planned out. Boy, am I wrong! :0 Life just gets more and more complicated.

[marion]

the more you (cab) writes about your feelings on the issue the more i feel like saying - for heaven's sake just wait! don't forget that the people here that have encouraged you to go ahead are MUCH older & from their perspective it may already be time but it isn't for you & even though people might try to say that you can still travel & do eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverything you want after you have a child - it is much more difficult so you should put it off until you feel you should do it, not just because you want to get away from work.

[mlle]

oh, dear. farewell to our British friend.......

[Screen Name]

So, basically, I feel like I'm mainly wanting to have a baby to escape my job. Isn't this bad? Anyone else feeling this? I've always considered myself a feminist and I feel tremendous guilt about 'selling out.'

lol, that's terrible!

There are plenty of my GF's friends that seem to do the same thing, difference is they don't work at all. I think having a baby to escape a job is pretty bad, I didn't read anything else in the thead just saw this and had to reply.

[winneythepooh7]

lol, that's terrible!

There are plenty of my GF's friends that seem to do the same thing, difference is they don't work at all. I think having a baby to escape a job is pretty bad, I didn't read anything else in the thead just saw this and had to reply.


Believe it or not, (and I NEVER thought I'd feel this way!) I actually am looking forward to returning to work. I love, love, love being home with my son, however, it's also pretty boring at times.........and I feel like I am missing out on some things if that makes sense? Fortunately, I will be able to work from home a bit and set my schedule around my son's when the time comes that I need to go back. Maybe it would be different if I didn't have that option, or if my inlaws weren't watching him and he had to go off to daycare as an infant.........

[cab]

So, I just had a talk with my husband about feeling that I have to have a baby soon. I'm glad that I did because I feel so much better now. He said that we could take things slow and I get to decide when we're ready to have a baby (since I'll be the one carrying it), which is definitely NOT within a year.

We got a bunch of other stuff off our chest and now we're feeling better about where we are in our lives. My job may not be perfect and I may get anxiety from interacting with school staff, but it's something that I must practice and practice again in order to be less comfortable about it. I just have to look at the positive things of the job, which is I get to be around fantastic kids all day!

Winney, I had two weeks off from work for the holidays (one of the perks of working in a school) and while it was relaxing for the first week, I found myself sitting around and being bored in the second week. When I came back to work, I felt refreshed and ready to work hard. (I started the thread while I was bored during my break, so that could explain my pessimistic attitude) I think that I just need to take some extra vacation to make myself realize that I love my job! ;):

The new movie Revolutionary Road starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio as a dissatisfied 1950s married couple reminded me about how I felt in my marriage. Kate plays a stay-at-home wife, who is experiencing a classic case of the feminine mystique - listlessness, confusion, boredom, depression. She wants to move to Paris to feel alive again. If women like Kate's character had more empowering things like a job back in the 1950s, they would certainly not feel that way. Women fought hard to gain more equality in the work place for decades, so why stay at home and talk baby talk all day? Not to demean women who stay at home and raise kids, it's certainly a hard job and I admire them for it.

[gemma-dahl]

Winney, I had two weeks off from work for the holidays (one of the perks of working in a school) and while it was relaxing for the first week, I found myself sitting around and being bored in the second week. When I came back to work, I felt refreshed and ready to work hard. (I started the thread while I was bored during my break, so that could explain my pessimistic attitude) I think that I just need to take some extra vacation to make myself realize that I love my job! ;):

If women like Kate's character had more empowering things like a job back in the 1950s, they would certainly not feel that way. Women fought hard to gain more equality in the work place for decades, so why stay at home and talk baby talk all day? Not to demean women who stay at home and raise kids, it's certainly a hard job and I admire them for it.


Good for you! Sometimes, when I'm overwhelmed with work and haven't taken enough time out to relax, I feel conflicted about my career as well. I didn't figure it out until recently, either, when I actually took a vacation. Very liberating.

Some women nowadays actually feel that they have to defend their decisions to be stay-at-homes. There are a lot of people whose definition of women's progress is fairly militant about the notion that every woman must work. My partner is fond of pointing out that feminism meant that everyone is empowered to do what they want, not just the things that are "acceptable," whether that's work or SAH. You could extend that concept and say that it should be ok for men to express their feelings, be SAH dads, and other things that are typically considered "not masculine." I agree with that viewpoint. Sometimes, I do think that gender roles will be obsolete in the very near future.

[drummer]

So, I just had a talk with my husband about feeling that I have to have a baby soon. I'm glad that I did because I feel so much better now. He said that we could take things slow and I get to decide when we're ready to have a baby (since I'll be the one carrying it), which is definitely NOT within a year.

We got a bunch of other stuff off our chest and now we're feeling better about where we are in our lives. My job may not be perfect and I may get anxiety from interacting with school staff, but it's something that I must practice and practice again in order to be less comfortable about it. I just have to look at the positive things of the job, which is I get to be around fantastic kids all day!

Winney, I had two weeks off from work for the holidays (one of the perks of working in a school) and while it was relaxing for the first week, I found myself sitting around and being bored in the second week. When I came back to work, I felt refreshed and ready to work hard. (I started the thread while I was bored during my break, so that could explain my pessimistic attitude) I think that I just need to take some extra vacation to make myself realize that I love my job! ;):

The new movie Revolutionary Road starring Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio as a dissatisfied 1950s married couple reminded me about how I felt in my marriage. Kate plays a stay-at-home wife, who is experiencing a classic case of the feminine mystique - listlessness, confusion, boredom, depression. She wants to move to Paris to feel alive again. If women like Kate's character had more empowering things like a job back in the 1950s, they would certainly not feel that way. Women fought hard to gain more equality in the work place for decades, so why stay at home and talk baby talk all day? Not to demean women who stay at home and raise kids, it's certainly a hard job and I admire them for it.

Glad to hear things sound like they're going to work out.

I can't wait to see Revolutionary Road. That book is one of my all-time favorites. Kate Winslet is also in another great movie that features a good amount of stuff about being a mother and that is Little Children (also a great book).

Okay, sorry to get off topic.

By the way, Winney, congrats!

[allie1105]

I am going to be 26 this year, and my husband and I are married for 3 years now. We've discussed the possibility of children in the near future but decided for us, it was best to wait. Having children is a huge responsibility, and I don't think you can be a selfish person to do this...my husband and I are entirely too selfish. We like to come and go as we please, and lead very busy lives at this point. If that changes, we would have kids. I want to be able to focus on raising my kids and not regretting that I can't go places and do things. I know that sounds terrible, but I think that recognizing and holding off is good, because too many people have kids and are not ready for them...if I had Winney's attitude, I would have them tomorrow - you definitely seem ready and will be a great mommy!!!!

[wordsmith]

I would NEVER feel like I have to defend a decision to be a stay-at-home mom. Having a parent who stayed home with me as a child was easily one of the most positive, shaping things in my life, and I have tremendous respect for my parents for making that choice, even though it involved definite lifestyle compromises. I'm a huge advocate for staying at home, if it's realistic to do. Unfortunately, I don't really foresee a world where it will ever be realistic to do, now, at least for me.

I also don't care much about gender roles. I do what I do, and some of it's "masculine" and some of it's "feminine." I don't really worry much about that stuff.

[gemma-dahl]

This thread actually made me think of a blogger whose work I used to follow, until she jumped the shark. (Often, bloggers jump the shark after long runs, because there is usually only so much you can say about a particular topic.)

One day, she brought a SAH dad to blog, and from what I could tell, the purpose of her bringing him on was to have other women gang up on him and declare him to be a failure as a man. Harsh. Wouldn't the world be a better place if anyone could be a SAH without needing to rigorously defend it?

[wordsmith]

I predict, in the case of SAH dads, that we'd certainly have a lot of kids growing up emotionally closer to their fathers than is often currently the case.

[winneythepooh7]

My husband would LOVE to be a SAHD. However, he makes more $$$$ than I do so it's unrealistic at this point. (It's also unrealistic for me to stay home long-term as well because of the insane COL in this area).