Ever run into your Ex and feel kinda messed up?

[23skiddoo]

OK, so last week I was having the week from hell. Seems like just about anything that could go wrong did go wrong. So I met my mom for dinner at this Chinese restaurant, had a nice enjoyable meal together, get up to leave, and blammo!
Ex-girlfriend!:confused: She got up and gave us big hugs and said how great it was to see us. Asked about everybody... How's the family, how's so and so? What am I doing dow? It was wierd. But then she introduces her new boyfriend. Not a good looking guy, layed off twice, unemployed...

We broke up almost 2 years ago partly because she said I wasn't ambitious enough for her, Partly because after 4 years together she didn't want a relationship. So after a period of several months where she just wanted to hang out from time to time and be friends, we stopped talking. Then she started sending cards to me and my family for the holidays. We even got Christmas cards from her folks, in which her mom casually slipped in that she was single. It's like WHAT? So anyway, I see her at this restaurant with this dud of a guy that she's been supposedly dating since September, and she's all content and what-not, and it really threw me.

I just feel a little messed up about it.

[dliepmanSUX]

I can empathize with you my man...I am struggling with a recent breakup and the impending ramifications...the silence is growing between us, but not mutually...

I struggle to understand how "wanting to be with someone" can so easily lead to never talking to that person again...where's the consistency...people throw out logic when they are looking for ways to justify their actions...

the hardest part is the inability to communicate, the inability to insure that through silence I am not being villified to make resolve easier...when someone ignores you, it robs you of your ability to reach out and apologize for any mistakes you may have made, anything you may have overlooked, anything you wish to be forgiven for...any forgiveness you wish to offer them...

the scariest part is thinking that this painful process may replay itself out again sometime in the future...and all the pain and agony you've suffered will one day repeat itself.

I guess just be flatterred that she made any effort at all...it would have sucked more to be ignored at the restaurant as though she cared so little that she failed to acknowledge your existence...stop comparing yourself to another guy...whether better or worse, he is HER problem...as long as she is with him, she misses out on you...unfortunately thats about as fair as it gets.

best of luck with it all;)

[TankgirlyC]

So she tells you that your not ambitious enough and now is with a guy who is LESS ambitious than you......

First I would think to myself (if I were you) wow she lost out, Im better than him and she was totally off the mark saying I wasnt ambitious.

Second....I would also think to myself that maybe after breaking it off she was lonely and she settled and maybe she isnt as happy as she appears to be......people put on fronts when seeing an ex.

Now just to give you an idea of where my thoughts come from:
I had an ex who I was with for almost 2 years, and had known for 5 years, we had been friends.
He broke it off saying he needed to be alone. He went on a cruise, met a 24 year old with a 4 year old son and moved in with her 2 months later.

Talk about a kick in the teeth.

Just wanted you to know that it happens more than you probably think-----and we are all here for you.

She chose to leave you (as it comes across in your post) so she lost out.
It seems like you 2 are still friendly and be thankful that its like that, with holiday cards etc. It could be hard and awkward.....but its not =)

[MiSweetP]

Oh my God...can so relate.

I left a long term relationship (7-years) when I moved out of state (from Seattle, WA) for graduate school. It was one of the hardest and one of the best things I ever did for myself. Was deeply in love with the man, but we were headed down two totally different roads. As hard as it was to leave, it would have been harder to stay in a relationship that wasn't what I wanted. At any rate, I moved to MI for graduate school and he moved back to a small town in Wisconsin...where we had originally met. Imagine my surprise, when I learned he was dating my younger cousin. Although I am newly married to an amazing man who I absolutely adore, It's something I will never beable to forgive and why I haven't been back to visit my Dad's side of the family ever since. You just don't do that sort of thing where I'm from. you know?

[Crimson King II]

...when my ex broke up with me out of the blue, it hit me like a train...entirely unexpected. That was five years ago, and I have not seen or heard from her since. It was as if she'd died in some tragic accident. Because it was so strange, I DREAD the day I DO run into her...I doubt seriously I could even be civil toward her. I anticipate that I'll make it clear I want nothing to do with her, and any overture she makes will not be taken kindly. I feel for you...it's nothing I'd ever want to experience.

[coll214]

I definitely know where you're coming from, though being the girl. This describes my exe to a T; I struggle to understand how "wanting to be with someone" can so easily lead to never talking to that person again...where's the consistency...people throw out logic when they are looking for ways to justify their actions... . I just found out yesterday that all he's doing is hanging out w/ his loser ass friend and basically ignoring everyone else. Gave me the standard 'let's be friends' line, though haven't heard from him since...

I know it's only a matter of time before I run into him (he's from my hometown and we know some mutual ppl)... and i'm already wondering as to how I will react. As long as I'm looking fabulous :p

I think being a little put back by it all is perfectly reasonable, I know I would be too.

[CATEIMUS]

I had a similar experience...only it was kind of reversed. My ex-boyfriend's mom (of 5 years) emailed me out of the blue the other day and wanted to get together! It's a year later, and I am so over everything to with that relationship. I write back and say politely, it was good to hear from you, hope you're doing well, end of story. She writes back again and says can we go to dinner and catch up? I guess I wasn't too clear in my first email but I told her I know this is awkward, but I have a new boyfriend and out of respect for him I would rather not get together, but thank you anyway. She writes back AGAIN and says she is so hurt that I am throwing away a 5 year friendship for some guy and that he shouldn't be choosing who I go out with!! Umm...first of all you are my EXES mother...conflict of interest!! And second of all, I choose not to see you, NOT my boyfriend! It's not like she ever kept in touch with me during the times my ex and I were on a "break" so why all the friendship guilt trip crap now? Does anyone else think that is weird or am I over-reacting?? I had a hunch that maybe she was doing detective work for my ex to see what I was doing, but maybe not. Oh well.

[MiSweetP]

Ummm, personaly, I think that is a little weird. Is he a total mama's boy or is she just that nosy?

[CATEIMUS]

I think it's a little bit of both....when we were together he was going to University of Reno...he's since dropped out and moved back to Sacramento and is living with his mom. He's 28 this year for god's sake! I know due to some people's circumstances it is neccesary to live with parents again, but he has no excuse. He is her only child, her baby, blah blah blah and I always thought something was a little off with her. To be honest, it felt pretty damn good being able to tell her I have a new boyfriend (he is "the one" and I couldn't be happier) I am hoping she passes that on to my ex because he also has a tendency of appearing out of the blue after a few months of being broken up...hence the on and off again relationship we used to have. I finally got wise last year and put an end to all of it...or so I thought. Whenever I open my email account I have a sick feeling that I will find an email from one of them, but hopefully everything is over now.

[Layback]

If she hasn't kept in touch with you at all then is is really weird. Not to mention she can't take a hint.

[coll214]

I'd have to say that's definitely high on the weird scale... it's one thing if you'd been in contact throughout this whole time, but out of the blue?? Hopefully she'll tell your exe your seeing a great guy now, and they'll both back off!!

[kimmer23]

if she emails you again i would just delete it!

[hotgirl]

I run into my ex all the time. I feel great when I run into him and his girlfriend, who by the way, was my friend when they started dating.

She doesn't have a job, he doesn't have a job, neither of them have a car, she's pregnant, and they are living with his mom. He is a junior high school dropout, and she graduated high school when she was 20 years old, so their chances of any success are slim to none.

I, on the other hand, am a proud member of the QLC forum :D
I'm working, going to school, have my own car (since 18 years old), my own apartment (since 19 years old), engaged indefinitely ;) , and I'm actually making progress in life.

Every time either of them see me, I'm always super fresh and sexy, and I can walk with my head in the air because I am confident and proud of what I have accomplished even though he dogged me for that skank. So, how about that.

[23skiddoo]

Hello again all,

First of all, that whole Ex's mom thing sounds VERY awkward. I would have to agree that it is one of the strangest things I've ever heard of. But at least now you have a cool creepy story...

Having thought a little more about my chance encounter with my former significant other, I guess the reason why it threw me off was because unlike myself, the ex-girlfriend seemed to be making progress somehow. She went through a kind of evolution in the past year. She used to be scatter-minded, career obsessed, selfish, and placed a rather low importance on maintaining relationships. Now she seems more focused, clear-headed, and getting her priorities in order. Rededicating herself so to speak.

I, on the other hand have been struggling more and more with everything it seems. The job has gotten worse, my finances are in a fragile state, my friends are all getting married, and after two years I am still single. An endless chain of near misses and almosts. I've become a serial dater. Meeting one person after another, going out for a drink, or coffee. Getting to know as much as I can about them. But ultimately there hasn't been a mutual connection with anyone. So then it's on to the next... It is so frustrating. I feel like I'm going in reverse.

[dliepmanSUX]

"and after two years I am still single. An endless chain of near misses and almosts. I've become a serial dater. Meeting one person after another, going out for a drink, or coffee. Getting to know as much as I can about them. But ultimately there hasn't been a mutual connection with anyone. So then it's on to the next... It is so frustrating. I feel like I'm going in reverse."

not to patronize the female gender (but I know this may have relevance)...look at it like shoe shopping...if the style or price or size isn't right, it doesn't mean you are going in reverse...it just means you haven't found what you're looking for. All this looking is just making you a better shopper...:cool:

[hotgirl]

I agree with dliepmansux, you're not going in reverse, you're just shopping for the best bargain :D

[pittgirl]

You are doing the right thing it is always hard when you run into your ex. I haven't seen my ex since May 03' when things ended between him and I. I am completly dreading the day I run into him, however though I know I am much better off without him and can't wait to show how BETTER I am than he is :-) No contact I think is the best thing because each party realizes if they are meant for each other or not. Trust me you are not alone in this world when it comes to ex's!

[Lynn0623]

About 2 years ago I was dating this guy who was totally wrong for me. Like 3 months into the "relationship" was when I decided this. I tried talking to him about how I was feeling and he basically blew me off. So when I finally decided to break things off with him he was shocked and couldn't understand. Hello??? Maybe if you would have listened to me before....but anyway. I am now in the most amazing relationship and all I want to do is run into my ex- so I can gloat and be like "HAHAHAHA you scum!" Is that horrible? :confused:

[23skiddoo]

Yeah, I'd have to say that there is a certain savory pleasure that comes with doing better than someone who wronged you in some way, be it a former significant other, old boss, high school guidance counsellor... I think we all get that little streak of glee from doing better than the people who put us down or rejected us for one reason or another.

Sometimes it's a mixed bag though. I, for example felt that twinge of schadenfreude (enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others) when I ran into the ex-girlfriend, yet the fact is that I've been stuck "serial dating" for like a year and a half now, and I'm really just sick of it. And she seems perfectly content with her new dud of a boyfriend. I guess it's easy to be happy if you set the bar pretty low...

[hajime]

Originally posted by 23skiddoo
Yeah, I'd have to say that there is a certain savory pleasure that comes with doing better than someone who wronged you in some way, be it a former significant other, old boss, high school guidance counsellor... I think we all get that little streak of glee from doing better than the people who put us down or rejected us for one reason or another.

Sometimes it's a mixed bag though. I, for example felt that twinge of schadenfreude (enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others) when I ran into the ex-girlfriend, yet the fact is that I've been stuck "serial dating" for like a year and a half now, and I'm really just sick of it. And she seems perfectly content with her new dud of a boyfriend. I guess it's easy to be happy if you set the bar pretty low...

schadenfreude is a cool word.

But... where's the compassion, y'all? I guess things would be a lot different if you had been the one breaking it off, huh? Is it true that the person that "gets broken up with" will always carry around that little bit of bitterness/schadenfreude, you think? I can understand that, since my "whatever you want to call it" broke up with me 4 months ago (by standing me up one night.. yes, you've all heard this before ;)... and this was after dating for 3 months, and knowing each other for 5 yrs. geez.) So, yeah. I cannot imagine bringing myself to act that friendly with him were I to see him.

I don't know. There's a part of me that's naieve... and I wish we could honestly be friends- just because we've known each other for so long, and even though we were never in love or anything, it's not like I considered him just "some guy I was dating"... how could I? I've known him since my freshman year in college. Part of me wants to put on a front, if I were to see him again- act real real friendly, happy- and basically put him in his place by showing how much more "generous" I am than him (well, that, and to show him how well I'm doing without him). But.. I don't know if I'd be able to do that; nor do I really think of that as the right thing to do.

Not like I'm stressing about this or anything. It annoys me when I sit here and think about things like this (am I even on his mind at all? Was I ever?). Anyway.

I guess, I can't get it past my mind that our "whatever" was no better than your average fling, it seems. I read all you guys' stories about going out for years, then the guy/gal just leaves, etc., so I know it happens... but for some reason I just think, like, there has to have been something more special to my "whatever" with this guy I've known for five years... do any of you ever feel that way? I mean, I know, breakups happen all the time. But damn it, it's not like I just met him, started going out, then got dumped... that would just be like a boat passing in the night- never even got a chance to know the person, so having that person just pass out of your life isn't such a big deal... granted, the five years we've known each other we didn't really hang out on a regular basis...

I don't know what I'm complaining about really... lol. I guess, if we are to come out of the relationship with the same thing that we started with, that wouldn't be all that much anyway... just like, occasionally seeing each other. The whole intimacy/closeness thing baffles me... we definitely shared some intimate things together (not just physical, but in terms of talking about very personal things)-- and after that sharing, how... can we emerge from it as such distant acquaintances ? I don't get it. I feel like I would get more warmth out of seeing just a casual acquaintance I'd never gotten to know than I would from seeing him on the streets. How can that be?

So, yeah, I totally agree with this quote:

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I struggle to understand how "wanting to be with someone" can so easily lead to never talking to that person again...where's the consistency...people throw out logic when they are looking for ways to justify their actions...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It baffles me too... glad to know that others feel the same. I really don't understand all the jokes about how your ex is like your worst enemy, etc... the joke about how saying "let's be friends" is the same as saying "let's keep in touch" with your kidnapper totally bit... in the sense that it stung with the force of truth... I guess I just don't like the truth. (I can't handle the truth, dammit! ;) )

[23skiddoo]

Hajime-

To address your first question about compassion, I ask myself the same thing. Where is my compassion? When did I turn into such a bitter, cynical bastard, and what does that say about me, my integrity, and who I truly am? Life has a way of making you into a different animal of sorts. I used to be a hopeless romantic, endlessly forgiving, and very generous. Now when I meet someone, they have to earn that. Prove to me that they're worth my compassion. It's really this simple: after a while, you get burned out on getting burned. Emotion can be exhausting.

To me, it's about respect. You should always show respect, be civil, and be thankful for all the good things that came from your relationship. But it is a bitter pill to swallow sometimes when you look back on what you had: closeness. I's hard to find someone that you feel close to, be it emotionally or physically. And when you do get close to someone, there's kind of like a bond of trust that gets established, regardless of whether the other person is actually trustworthy. So when you break up, there's always a twinge of feeling hurt, or betrayed that goes along with it.

When I was with my exgirlfriend, we did so many things together. Summer weekends at the shore, climbing the tower of Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. That little place we used to eat at, and how she could never decide what to order even though I knew what she would get. Driving up to New York State to go Apple Picking... I remember sailing on Raritan Bay with my ex-girlfriend. Right under the Verrazano Narrows Bridge, on a clear, bright, windy October morning. The wind blowing her dark hair around her face, her big smile, the contrast of the clear blue sky, the white sails, the bridge overhead, and the crisp deep blue of the bay and her red jacket. It's like a vivid snapshot in my mind.

Ofcourse there's all the intimate things that go with it too, and you realize that those are private things. Private for me, and private for her. And just like some things you keep to yourself, those memories are what the other person will keep to themselves in their own way. Maybe it's not for me to know what I meant to her, but I like to think that knowing me has had some kind of impact. Maybe the "distant acquaintances" approach is a way to distance themselves from the emotion. Who knows?

[dliepmanSUX]

I think compassion ought to be unwavering...as difficult as it is to implement that into reality...you never know why things REALLY happen...even when you are handed an excuse, the real reasons behind certain happenings is often far more situationally complex than can be accounted for. Suffering is a painful thing to experience, regardless of whether the sufferer is friend or foe.

I too am recently emerging from a long relationship that was similar to those frequently discussed on this message board. Except I WAS the person who decided to draw the line...I was the person carrying the relationship...I was the person with most of the control...and that in itself was problematic...so if I have any schadenfreude it is self-directed...for my GF, or rather former GF, I carry mostly sadness...disappointment...confusion...if I was so 'perfect' why didn't she invest herself in the preventative maintenance of our demise...if she was the 'luckiest girl in the world' then why didn't she fight tooth and nail when things began to disintegrate...if I truly did treat her like a 'princess' then why did she eventually turn her back on me??? I have loads of reasons to be bitter and cycnical and angry...and at times I find myself slipping into those moments...but then my heart reminds me that I loved this girl...and to respect that love we shared requires me to respect the reality of our situations right now...

I know what it is like to be low, to be very low...and I know what it feels like to be in that low alone...but I also know what its like to find a hand outstretched, to pull you out or to be pulled down into that lowest point...I can only hope that someday, regardless of the state of our relationship, that I can be that person who's hand is outstretched, willing to pull her up or have her pull me down into her time of need...bitterness and cynicism will do nothing but blind me in her time of need...maybe thats how it is supposed to be...but I fear such bitterness and cycicism will prevent me from taking notice or taking action in response to others' times of need as well...

at one point during our relationship I became very fearful about the entire prospect of developing closeness and how such creates this mass of potential for loss...and its 100% true...if you never develop closeness you never have anything to lose...but you also never have anything to gain...and some people lead risk-free lives like that...unfortunately every time we choose to love we also choose to lose...because eventually that love will end...50 days, 50 months, or 50 years after it begins....

unexpected, uncontrollable, unpredictable change happens...and sometimes it leads to wonderous things, like winning the lottery! But often such change is quite a bit more unsettling...like losing someone close...and at times it is hard to know what sux more, the result of change or the uncontrollability of the process...

it crushes me every day to think about how much love was invested in an outcome full of such hurt...but I can't change what has already happened...I can only hope to learn from my mistakes and become more aware of the process...to weather effectively...and right now it feels like I will never find it in me to open myself up to such intimacy again...but I guess my hope lies in the belief that there is someone out there who will find it in themselves to treat me with the same compassion and kindness that I have tried to embody myself...that there is someone who will give more and take less...because they want to, not because they have to.

I guess what I still find difficult to resolve is whether the person I recall in memory or the person I know (or don't know rather) them to be now is an accurate depiction of who this person is...when I apply current behaviors to old memories I realize I may have been sharing my life with a stranger...maybe people change...but change is a process that we are involved with...we either let change happen or we don't...things don't 'just change'...

[Crossroads]

Just wanted to say that 23skiddoo's and dliepmanSUX's posts really spoke volumes. I have a friend who broke up w/ his GF not too long ago and he's been telling me about what happened. It's nice to hear the guy's point of view as well. 23 -- I think you're STILL the hopeless romantic, from your post. :)

[dliepmanSUX]

I would like to think that 23skiddoo and I are both hopeFUL romantics...:)

[23skiddoo]

Yeah, I'd have to say I'm still a hopeful romantic. Although I find I approach new situations with much more caution, and quite frankly try my best to poke fun at my current circumstances. The challenge I find is to stay focused, and not lose sight of who you are in the process. I meet a lot of people our age who are afraid to invest themselves. Whether it be a relationship, or a career, they don't want to take the risk.

"but I guess my hope lies in the belief that there is someone out there who will find it in themselves to treat me with the same compassion and kindness that I have tried to embody myself...that there is someone who will give more and take less...because they want to, not because they have to."

This pretty much hits the nail on the head for me.