confessions of a late bloomer

[bah44]

I have a question about apathy and passion, particularly in regards to finding a career/life vocation: why don't I have a passion for anything?

I'm 30, have a ba in english and will soon be a certified high school teacher. The teaching thing I've gotten into because I can't think of any better to do to get some financial security--I'm not 100% sure that I'm cut out for it, but I did get a lot of encouragement from other teachers. I should also say that a lot of people would say "you should be a teacher" when I was between the ages of 18-25.

As long as I can remember, I've never had a drive to do anything. As a kid, my parents were awesome and never pushed me to do anything. Unfortunately, I never pushed myself to do much myself. I was an English major because it was my best subject. At no point in high school or college did I envision a dream job, nor did I plan on for any post-graduate schooling. I have never been in a relationship that believed in. I think I took the "take-your-time-and-figure-yourself-out" mentality to the extreme and spent my early 20s living day-to-day. I couldn't tell you what my college friends were doing, I didn't really feel any connection to what they were doing.

During this time I wound up seeking help, began taking anti-depressants, then got diagnosed with ADHD and began taking meds for that. I stopped drinking as much (I could count on one hand the number of times I drink in a month and I can count on two hands the number of drinks I had altogether) and I went back to school to get my teaching certification. For two years I lived in ignorant bliss ("I'm on my way now...") just living at home, going to school and working on the weekends. Started exercising, sleeping a little better, eating better, etc. The biggest issue for me has been, and continues to be time-management and organization.

School's done and I'm applying to grad school now (for education). Now I'm freaking out a little. Unfortunately, part of me feels like I'm just doing this to convince myself and others that I'm getting my act together when in reality I'm not even sure if this is what I want. The other part of me thinks I'm just adjusting to this more structured, goal-oriented lifestyle and am thinking myself into oblivion: it's not like I have a hobby that I would or could turn into a career. I really hope it's the latter, but again, I have this nagging feeling that I'm getting into something I'm not really dedicated to.

Back to the apathy: I still don't have a lot of motivation to do much of anything, even though I know perfectly well that the clock is ticking and going to grad school is what I have to do (it's as close to a free ride for school as I'll ever see). I actually took an incomplete for my student-teaching because the amount of work completely overwhelmed me: I have about two weeks left before I need to hand in my work (I'm almost there!!!).
I feel like I've made progress in my life, but I'm afraid of throwing everything away because it's just too much for me to handle. I have to fight myself to focus my thoughts and think more positively.

Thanks if you read this far, just wanted to share my experience up to the moment.

[anichka]

I, too, feel this way. My parents never pushed me to do anything and because I always brought home good grades, they never bothered to talk to me about my future - it was always understood that I was going to go to college. In high school, I was always interested in pursuing various careers but I never had hobbies that I took an interest in. I got a full ride to university and pursued a degree that I was interested in once I realized that I hated pre-med. I wouldn't say that I don't have a passion because my passion has always been traveling. I wanted to be out somewhere on my own, seeing the world. But you can't make money off of that unless you're a photographer, a freelance reporter, or a writer. I got married, graduated, and started panicking b/c I didn't have a career plan, so I took the safe road and attended grad school for accounting - convincing myself that it's what I was meant to do. Now that I've graduated and I have been working in the field for a year, I've realized that I don't have a passion for it. It's challenging and there's a lot of potential in making good money, but that's about it. I don't hate it and I don't love it. I often wish that I could do something I love. I look at artists, writers, photographers, translators, and I envy them. But it could be worse. I could be working in retail or manufacturing. At least my degree is paying off for something. I'm beginning to realize that not everyone is fortunate enough to do something that they love, so for most of us, a job or a career is a means to an end. It pays the bills, it allows me to travel - even if it's only for two weeks a year - and be a productive member of society. My advice to you would be to do the teaching thing, take up a hobby, and maybe someday you will find your true passion. Not everyone discovers it in their 20s or 30s.

[Ezra Pippen]

The good thing is that with teaching, you have all summer to travel, within means.

I went through a period of real burnout, where I seemed to just lose my passion. Different, I know, than never really figuring it out. I guess you could just say that I got caught up in the day to day goals involved, and took up challenges somewhat outside my focus (i.e. went for some really challenging physics courseswhen I am in ecology) just for the intellectual workout. But I avoided the really hard part for me at the time; spending time networking with grad schools. I went full steam right to graduation, and was just burnt out afterwards.

It took alot of just working for a paycheck, living on my own, building my own social group, before I was motivated again. And at that time, my depression really started to spike and the latent social anxiety crested,and I sought help; funny thing is, I don't think if I sought help earlier, that I would have really been motivated to really change the way I did things.

I am sure you have heard 'You are young, you have time,' but not every goal that may emerge as you trek on, will be age limited.

[anonyelephant]

I too went through high school much like you. I know what it feels like when everyone else (it seems) know what they want to do. I look at my brother who since middle school knew that he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer. He's in his second year in college. I on the other hand never really knew what was going on until I fell ass backwards into marketing in college. Then I left that because I was burnt out and started working for a restaurant because I thought my passion was being a chef.
Reality hit.
I'm going back to marketing and hope that I find an entry level position after a long gap from marketing. I did a stint in teaching, it ate me alive.
Doing what I love gave me experience: you can't just drop everything. Develop it on the side and don't necessarily have to make money at it. Learn about it and teach others with your job experience. Many times I've thought about teaching bread making as a non-credit fun course at a community college.
The other thing that experience thought me was that in order to find your passion you must actually do things. Don't just think about them. If you think your passion is to pain, get out some paper and pencils and paint for 20 minutes. That's it! Put them away and do it again the next day. Just commit a few minutes a day.

[yogaflame13]

I feel you guys...I'm 29 and I have never really been passionate about anything conventional. However, I have always loved creative things like music and writing. I have played guitar since I was 8 and am very very good, and would love to do that (or recording/writing/producing music) for a living, but thats hard to get into, and I have always been laid back and don't really have any connections. Anyone I have ever met through my band so far has pretty much flaked out on me, I think mostly because I am too laid back and friendly...maybe if I was more of a jerk people would actually get things done for me or something.

But yeah, I never thought about anything particularly constructive in high school; i always got pretty good grades despite having little motivation to study. I wound up majoring in history because it was the easiest thing for me to do, and I do enjoy some history, and I was always a good writer, so it just kinda fit. But as far as being practical, HAHAHAHA riiiiiight. Sometimes I wish I would have majored in television production in the communications department, but who knows how easy/hard it would be to get a job with that?

So now here I am, unemployed with 4 years of retail management on my resume (which I definitely do not want to continue with!) and no real good idea, except hoping somehow I can make this music thing work, while I get older and older every day and my parents worry about me. Good times....

[warner]

I decided on my "dream job" halfway through high school, and I've been on track ever since then, but I'm starting to realize that a "dream job" feels a lot like a "job" when you get there. You know, the grass is always greener on the other side. I'm happy, but it's not like I lay awake every night because I'm so excited. I still look forward to weekends and vacation like everyone else.

I think it's healthy not to have a job that you are so passionate about. Just find an occupation which you don't hate and which affords you the money and freedom to pursue your real passions on your time off (romance, travel, music/art, sports, etc). Deriving all your happiness in life from your career (i.e. putting all your eggs in one basket) can be dangerous, especially when your "passion" starts feeling more like a "job."

[bah44]

My biggest fear is that I'm investing a lot into teaching and I'm not really sure whether or not I'm cut out for it. I know that you have to learn a lot on the fly, but I'm worried that I don't have the ability to multitask at a herculean level. Maybe that's me just be scared because this is finally "the real world" after a convoluted journey, I do have a habit of beating myself up.

I completely agree with the idea that you should have your career/job and then something that you do on the side--whether it's for income, enjoyment, etc.--but I don't really have either one of these things and I have this guilt trip about waffling for such a long time.

[warner]

I completely agree with the idea that you should have your career/job and then something that you do on the side--whether it's for income, enjoyment, etc.--but I don't really have either one of these things

You don't have anything that you like to do on the side that brings you joy? I mean, what did you do today?

[bah44]

I play guitar, but I haven't progressed a whole lot in the 4 years I've been at it.
Don't really have the money to take lessons regularly either. I have a friend who's into comedy and I provide him with material--I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way--I bounce ideas off of him. I have thought about getting involved in some kind of community theater....

I like to read, but I usually do that before I go to bed.

I flirted with the idea of lifting weights until I realized that I had to eat about 3000 calories a day to gain any weight or muscle.

I don't play any sports. I try to avoid drinking.

I'm just thinking off the top of my head...

[warner]

I think that answers it.

If you pursue teaching, even though you don't feel so passionate about it right now, you will at least have some more stability and income. That's what will allow you to be able to afford guitar lessons, or a gym membership and good food, or the time to be in a community theater, or tickets to comedy shows. And I have no doubt that all those things would bring a lot of new people into your life too who could ignite other passions. That sounds to me like a perfectly happy existence.

[wordsmith]

I would never recommend that anybody teach unless they're sold on it. It doesn't make for a good "stop-gap" job, like waiting tables or bartending. It's a "calling" job, not a "paycheck" job. If you do it and dislike/resent it, and/or aren't good at it, not only are you miserable, you're also doing others a disservice, and taking up a spot that could be better served by somebody who would better fit it.

[QuarterLiferAmy]

You sound EXACTLY like my older sister.

Up until University she pulled A's and was consistently on the Honours List. I don't recall her studying much at all. She basically came from school to home, and watched TV (lots of Star Trek series, vampire movies, x-files etc) ,went on the internet and read alot of books (she loves to read). She had a group of close knit friends that she hung out with in highchool. She never got involved in anything at school nor did she ever pick-up a part-time job until she got into University (which she held for a year -- a job that I got her by talking to the manager of the HR department). She rarely studied (maybe a couple of hours prior to an exam) and handed in half-ass assignments but still managed to get into University. She is has almost ZERO work ethic (sorry not comparing to you) and is so incredibly lax about everything. I blame her intelligence and complete lack of ambition and motivation as being her downfall.

Now to compare with myself. I studied upwards to 4-5 hours a night, repeated almost every math level (never a strong suit) and worked a part-time job (started when I was 16), President of volunteer club, part of several associations at school, volunteered in the community, and had to learn to speak with older people, teacher, businesses and my peers. I also was also on the honours in grades 11 & 12. Things were never easy for me -- I had to develop a system of organization, also had to learn to deal with rejection, and even learnt to deal with things like politics/bureaucracy and about people's charcter.// Whereas my sisters success came her book smarts and natural intelligence, mine came from sheer hard work (I literally poured hours and hours into work and projects). My parents always considered me to stupider of the two. I always called the 'dumb one' in the family. I also got into University (had to go through college first because my math mark was too low to get directly into University) and in college made alot of connections with Professors, worked and volunteered. Meanwhile my sister slacked off after her first year and barely worked (worked for maybe 10 months out of her entire 4 1/2 years in University).

Like you, she ended up majoring in Biological Science because she was always very good in Math and Science and seemed to breeze through it when she was in highschool. Mom & Dad also paid for her University and encouraged her to go into Math and Sciences field (after all what does a kid know at 18?). She finished her degree, but absolutely hated it by the time she was 2 1/2 years into it. She graduated and ended up working in a lab for 3 months (HATED IT) and now works in a coffee shop (she was very resistant to this idea because she didn't want to talk to people too much. Anyways, I convinced her and got her a leg in (I got her by talking to my manager and passing her resume directly over to her). She has always said she doesn't have any ambition or drive for anything. I have seen many of our highschool friends who earned equivalent grades as her (but, they had to put hours of studying in) over reach her to get into med programs, optometry schools, law,pharmacy etc -- many of them who she lost contact with 3 years into University. Many of them are married and settled down.

She is 'lost' finding her away working in a coffee shop and taking psych classes at a local college. She always says she is so special and unconventional that she doesn't fit ino the real world. I think personally, she uses her 'individualness' and 'uniqueness' as guise of really saying, "I can't fit into the real world and I am sure not going to try". Apparently she realized she wants to go into counselling psych (this after realizing how helpful she is to her peers that she works with a coffee shop, and after volunteering a bit with a distress line). She never took the time to interact much wih others until after university and through her friendships and interaction at work was able to reailze what her personality is suited to. She has trouble obtaining references because she rarely worked/volunteered and never really tried to maintain contact with people. She has come to realize that she better stop living in own little 'bubble of uniqueness' and start engaging in the real world. I have always thought that school will only provide you with a base of getting the job you want, but it's your daily living, interests beyond your tv/internet/boos, but interactions/networks in school/work/volunteerig that will help you realize what you do like and don't like -- and how to match that into a potential job that fits those likes/don't likes. It's merely about intelligence, but also about ambition, hard work and dedication that gets you what you want. I have told my sister, you cannot take things 'lying down', no one can expect other people to realize your intelligence, sensitivity and uniqueness unless you start interacting with people and reflecting upon what comes naturally to you in your own human relationships with your teachers, friends, parents, co-workers, strangers etc...afterall your part of a community.

My advice: try and do something so UNCONVENTIONAL, take on some temp jobs, do some travelling...move out of your comfort zone and challenge yourself. You will be surprised at how beneficial that will be.

[wordsmith]

I ALWAYS advocate for doing something unconventional. Spice of life, and all that.

[warner]

If you do it and dislike/resent it, and/or aren't good at it, not only are you miserable, you're also doing others a disservice, and taking up a spot that could be better served by somebody who would better fit it.

I disagree. I looked into this a while back and there were a lot of school districts with what they called "critical needs/shortages," especially in certain subject areas. Even if all you have is a couple semesters of college math, and you think that you only want to try teaching for a year or two, a lot of schools would beg for you. Granted, these often aren't the best school districts to be working in.

The pay won't be spectacular, but it will be steady. And honestly, where I'm from, teachers only go to work about 190 days per year. That leaves a lot of room to supplement your income with seasonal jobs around the holidays or over the summers.

[wordsmith]

I disagree. I looked into this a while back and there were a lot of school districts with what they called "critical needs/shortages," especially in certain subject areas. Even if all you have is a couple semesters of college math, and you think that you only want to try teaching for a year or two, a lot of schools would beg for you. Granted, these often aren't the best school districts to be working in.

They still need the best teachers, though, to fill these vacancies. and people who are unhappy in teaching and are only trying it because they can't think of what else they'd do are not necessarily the best teachers (although some do, by chance, stumble into a calling they never realized they had).

Just because a school will take you, it doesn't follow that you're right for the job. Sometimes places, as you mentioned, are desperate. You're still doing kids a disservice, though, if your heart isn't in it and it's not a passion of yours to be the best teacher you can be. Teaching takes more than a warm body, contrary to the belief of some.

[warner]

They still need the best teachers, though, to fill these vacancies... You're still doing kids a disservice, though, if your heart isn't in it and it's not a passion of yours to be the best teacher you can be. Teaching takes more than a warm body, contrary to the belief of some.

As long as someone is willing to try, it seems to me that they are better for the kids than no teacher at all. It's great if someone wants to pour their proverbial blood, sweat, and tears into it, but you don't have to be a hero. If someone is going in with the stated intention of making no effort at all, then that is probably a disservice. But the OP has not indicated this. He's just afraid that teaching might be very challenging, and he might not be very good at it. I think that's OK.

[wordsmith]

Eh, the poster explicitly stated that he/she had a nagging feeling that going this route woule be getting into something to which he/she isn't dedicated. Teaching demands dedication, flat out. All I was responding to. You're free to interpret however you like, of course.

[NewMrs.]

As long as someone is willing to try, it seems to me that they are better for the kids than no teacher at all. It's great if someone wants to pour their proverbial blood, sweat, and tears into it, but you don't have to be a hero. If someone is going in with the stated intention of making no effort at all, then that is probably a disservice. But the OP has not indicated this. He's just afraid that teaching might be very challenging, and he might not be very good at it. I think that's OK.

My father retired from teaching high school Special Ed last year after putting 30-something years into it to take another job because his heart just wasn't into teaching anymore.

[bah44]

I'm definitely more comfortable taking classes, but I also had to work hard to get the grades I earned. I was a terrible math and foreign language student--I barely passed Geometry, took Algebra 2 for a quarter.

Do I feel different from other people? To an extent, yes, absolutely. I don't know anyone else who is immobilized as far as getting out on their own--though they're obviously out there. Do I feel like the "unconventional" type? Not really. I spent my twenties getting the ya-yas out of my system: spent a year of college in Africa, spent a year living in two different cities (working horrible retail jobs). I delivered pizzas, waited table, was a bartender. I also saw my life flash before my eyes in an auto accident, and yet in spite of all these things I haven't felt a real spark. If I'm meant to be a bartender forever, so be it, but I'm terrified of having no security.

As far as teaching, I don't feel completely incompetent, but I don't feel like being an English teacher is what I'm cut out to do. Special education appeals to me because I do enjoy those students and have the patience to work with them every day. I look at them and think "I'm glad I get to be here with them instead of somebody else" because I know not everybody is cut out for it.

[wordsmith]

As far as teaching, I don't feel completely incompetent, but I don't feel like being an English teacher is what I'm cut out to do. Special education appeals to me because I do enjoy those students and have the patience to work with them every day. I look at them and think "I'm glad I get to be here with them instead of somebody else" because I know not everybody is cut out for it.


This is actually a very important thing. I started out in English ed, and am now doing special education (with other types of careers for years in between), so I hear you.

[Schecter_Guy]

She is 'lost' finding her away working in a coffee shop and taking psych classes at a local college. She always says she is so special and unconventional that she doesn't fit ino the real world. I think personally, she uses her 'individualness' and 'uniqueness' as guise of really saying, "I can't fit into the real world and I am sure not going to try".
Hehehe tell her to welcome to the club. I kind of have the same feelings too.

When I was in high school I did not care. I went to class, but I did zero work. I was hanging out with the wrong crowds and just doing dumb stuff. Ended up in college and something kicked in in me. I was studying three hours a day. Test studying would be all day affairs. I was told by some I studied too much.

Working came and I started becoming jaded. After awhile the motivation started to go away. Part of it was a job that sucked and part of it went back to some things in my personal and I refer to the first two lines of this post in this respect. Right now I am just coasting through life seeing what will happen. I figure at this point if there is food on my table and clothes on my back I am doing something right.

[QuarterLiferAmy]

I kind of Right now I am just coasting through life seeing what will happen. I figure at this point if there is food on my table and clothes on my back I am doing something right.

Sometimes you just have to think that way. Like a cousin of mine said, "honestly, I am an educated guy who is pretty smart -- if a few other billion people out there can survive than why can't I?".

Point noted. But,also, we all do expect a certain amount of achievement out of ourselves.

[QuarterLiferAmy]

As far as teaching, I don't feel completely incompetent, but I don't feel like being an English teacher is what I'm cut out to do. Special education appeals to me because I do enjoy those students and have the patience to work with them every day.

From reading your post, you sound like a person who can perserve, has alot of patience (wow, bartender you need patience with patrons for sure!), living in a city alone working horrible retail jobs (that requires tons of perserverance), and having experienced a life/death situation and not being totally anxiety ridden & rattled by it (again, peservance and ability to handle whatever crisis comes your way). You also mention you spent time in Africa - what was that like? where you challenged in anyway? How did you handle those challenge? You seem so unsure of yourself/ lacking confidence -- don't be! Don't knock yourself down. You already have the makings of a special Ed teacher (I mean, look your already relating to these kids).

Your personality already an indication that you would be successful as a Special Ed teacher, now it's just time to get the credentials to back it up.

[Schecter_Guy]

Sometimes you just have to think that way. Like a cousin of mine said, "honestly, I am an educated guy who is pretty smart -- if a few other billion people out there can survive than why can't I?".

Point noted. But,also, we all do expect a certain amount of achievement out of ourselves.
No doubt. Right now I gotta take care of a lot of other things in my life before I take on the burden of ambition.

[jenny_k]

i really enjoyed this thread and some of the conflicting views.

i agree with wordsmith in the fact that teaching should never be a stop-gap job.. you dont have to be a hero, but you should definitely be ecstatic to be there, to learn about your students, to learn about how they like to learn, and then enjoying your interaction with them. and since its not always "sunshine and kittens", you also have to love kids enough to not run away from the profession because of the unruly ones i guess.. i would love to be a teacher. and while i know there are alternative routes i do hesitate because those routes do not exist that much in ohio and i just dont have the funds to go anywhere right now--given that im unemployed and had to move back into the house i grew up in.. but i do know that if someone just threw some free money at me, or i wont the lottery, going back to school to be a middle school math teacher would be THE first thing i would do.

at the same time, i agree with warner in the fact that the grass is always grener on the other side. and thats its okay if we dont do our passions for a job, just as long as we still pursue our passions on the side. i agree with that very much so. because no matter what we do, theres always something we could complain about. no such thing as a "perfect" job.. just some we may like more than others... i know that the big lesson ive learned from this recession and unemployment is that job security is nice. and paying my bills is nice. i really just want to work, pay my bills, and enjoy time with friends and hobbies, or take an interesting class now and then...

so very much agreed on both of those people's perspectives.

now on to the OP.. i wish you all the luck in the world. i hope that you DO enjoy teaching since you are putting so much into it.. especially with going into grad school being unsure.. its a big commitment. as ANY major in grad school is. hopefully it is not wasted time AND money for you. it does seem that maybe you lack some confidence. (which i understand, as i once was a very confident person but despondent right now from my lack of job...) but anyways, it sounds like the structure is good for you. maybe giving something of yourself to others, will help you feel passionate about something. and maybe that will build more confidence. i wish you all the luck :)

[wordsmith]

Hah, that reminded me of this douchebaggy girl who interviewed with my employer not too long ago who bombed the interview, because when asked what appealed to her most about working with special needs kids, she said (and I quote, because I was in on the interview), "Well, I figured that disabled kids have to be easier to handle than smart kids, and to be honest, I'm really looking for an easy job. Plus, I'm looking forward to summers off." What made it even funnier (apart from the obvious idiocy of somebody thinking that severely disabled children aren't challenging to teach) is that we are a year-round school. You don't get summers off. Bitch, do your homework.

[jenny_k]

Hah, that reminded me of this douchebaggy girl who interviewed with my employer not too long ago who bombed the interview, because when asked what appealed to her most about working with special needs kids, she said (and I quote, because I was in on the interview), "Well, I figured that disabled kids have to be easier to handle than smart kids, and to be honest, I'm really looking for an easy job. Plus, I'm looking forward to summers off." What made it even funnier (apart from the obvious idiocy of somebody thinking that severely disabled children aren't challenging to teach) is that we are a year-round school. You don't get summers off. Bitch, do your homework.

hahahahahahahahahahahaha

thank you. that makes me feel so good about life, to know that at least im not that chick!! ;)

[bah44]

Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I appreciate your input. JennyK, I totally agree, I have issues with confidence. I don't quite know why, but I do.

[DCgirl]

What if you like reading forums (like the QLC) for a few hours during the week nights? I like reading about other people's lives and throwing in my 2 cents worth if I can relate to what they are saying. What type of job can one find from that? Just like the OP, I really don't have any hobbies. I write in my journal/blog just to document my life, but I would hardly call myself a writer. I also like to hang out with friends and talk about random things. As far as I know, there are no jobs related to these few things that I do. Any suggestions?


Thanks to everyone who replied to my post. I appreciate your input. JennyK, I totally agree, I have issues with confidence. I don't quite know why, but I do.

[PenforPrez]

What if you like reading forums (like the QLC) for a few hours during the week nights? I like reading about other people's lives and throwing in my 2 cents worth if I can relate to what they are saying. What type of job can one find from that?

Advice columnist? :idea:

[DCgirl]

Advice columnist? :idea:


LOL That is a great idea, but I seriously doubt I can land a job like Carrier Bradshaw's job (either with or without the sex talk). :heehee: I was curiuos about it though and looked up 'adice columnist' on Monster.com. Yeah, no hits. Great idea though! In the mean time, I'm still wasting away at my IT job. :rolleyes: