an amazing phenomenon....

[Delirium]

Hi, nice to meet everyone.

I am writing from Australia. I have been looking through this site and I have to say I am really amazed. I am 24, doing a PhD at University, and have a very diverse group of friends (as I came from a fairly unique area of the city where it is highly mixed-ethnicity and mixed - economic backgrounds. So I have a few friends pursuing higher degrees, a few friends who finished school at either 16 or 18 (of which some are still in very low skilled jobs and some of which have risen through the ranks to very good jobs), some who are married or otherwise and have children, and some who after really struggling though late adolescence have sadly left us, thanks to drugs, or cars, or suicide.

So I know now and have known a variety of people of many different backgrounds. But I have never come across anyone with anything like what I would call a quarter-life crisis.

Please don't think me cynical or mean, that is not in my nature. I know that many things are difficult to overcome, and I have battled depression for many years (but I am always careful not to dwell on my emotional troubles when things are going well). I thought I might share with you some of the characteristics which I think make Aussie 20-somethings as resilient as we usually are.

First I can tell you that we are experience junkies, and many of us spend so much of our time trying to save up for the next big adventure (done on a shoestring to maximise resources), be that a day trip bungeyjumping, six weeks in Vietnam or a cross-state bike ride, that it gets very difficult to worry about the next few years. They are going to happen regardless and as you get older your energy levels kinda floor out and your body is less willing to do that stuff. So you delay the inevitable, and enjoy the present, by keeping really active and making your brain rock out at every available opportunity.

We don't tend to dwell on stuff. You really do have to get on with life and try and enjoy it. So when bad stuff happens - and it happens - you deal with it and move on. Of course not everyone can do this and not every time. But, particularly with tthings like relationship breakups, extended unemployment, family problems, and mental illnesses, we won't spend 5 or 10 years trying to decode those experiences for their hidden meaning. The hidden meaning is that everything that doesn't kill you will make you stronger, smarter, more ready for the ext thing.

We make friends with our parents, or our parents riends, or our grandparents, or the boss, or other older people. It is amazing how much you can learn about life if you take the time out to buy a six pack of beer and invite your dad to drink it with you on the back step. If you can keep quiet for a while, and just listen, even if he doesn't say a lot, eventually he will give something away. It is really easy, in this era of mobile phones, prozac, home shopping channels, AIDS, and microwave convection ovens with alarm clock coffee atachments to assume that the experience of an older person at 25 is so different from yours as to be irrelevant. But the truth is, it wasn't that different.

I have been prattling on for a little while now so I might sign off for the minute. But Please think about what I have said. Often what is going on in your life has less to do with the actually events and more to do with the space your head is at. It is easier to change your mind than your circumstances so that's a good place to start. I have no doubt some people will attack this post and say I am judgemental and that I don't understand. While I can't speak to or for anyone I can say I think some of things might help some of you. I hope so anyway.

Good Luck and I hope you all find the happy, healthy and wealthy futures you are looking for.

Thanks for reading
Del xx

[Antonina]

I read your mail a couple of times to make sure I hadn't lost the thread of your point...

Without meaning to attack you, my response to you is that surely everybody deals differently with getting over things ("the little traumas of life"), and it is a bit of a generalisation to be saying that Aussies are more resilient and less prone to dwelling on and dissecting any dilemmas!

I happen to have a deadly similar background to you (from what you tell us anyway); I am 25, I'm Australian, I'm doing a PhD at uni etc... and I would have to say that to throw energy into the next big backpacking trip INSTEAD of thinking about how a recent "dilemma" (or whatever) has affected you, and sorting out in your head where it leaves you and what best to do to grow from the experience is not really dealing with issues. Of course, I am all for the big adventure, but it is not such a bad thing to spend some time thinking and grieving either.

hope you're not pissed off with my response, it's just that I don't think you spoke for me there!

[Delirium]

Well said, Antonina. I agree. I guess that I failed to draw the distinction betweem issues that need sorting and a general sense of fear or anxiety about the future which seems to be what the concept of a QLC is all about (please note I do say 'seems').

I would not for example suggest failing to deal with issues by heading off backpacking (and can't see any suggestion in my post that I do!!). It's just that (and I find it interesting that you disagree with me) Australian 20-somethings tend not to want to spend an extended period of time dissecting an issue which has been resolved. For example when coming out of a period of depression, I don't want to think about how horrible it was to be there but what I want to do now that it's over. Do you disagree that this is a pretty common trait among young Aussies?? On the other hand when last year I was working and unsure about future study, work, relationships etc I didn't get distressed about it because it will all get here eventually, when I do know what I want.

Thanks for responding, please do let me know what you think of this 'addendum'.

Del xx

[Antonina]

Hi Del!

I think I get your drift now- can I paraphrase to confirm? - that you mean that if there are specific issues to be dealt with, then it is ok to dwell and think a bit... but otherwise it's a bit of overglorified bullshit to be having a general crisis attack over every aspect of your life (especially all the standard aspects like: r/ships, career, what I should have done by what age kind of milestones) just because you've hit 25 haven't supposed made all these supposed "milestones"?

I have to admit that I was amazed to hear how many people have posted here have just come out of really long-term relationships, and are seemingly freaked out about whether they should have married the exes etc etc, all at the tender age of around 25. Maybe Americans have earlier milestones?

Ant XO

[Delirium]

You got me. That's exactly what I mean. Have to admit I was trying to avoid the words "hurtling yourself into an existential dilemma.

It's been nice talking to you, what area is your PhD in??

Del

[Antonina]

Hi guys,

That was really interesting for me, to read that even you, Erin (as our representative American here), think that there is a gap between the way Americans and Aussies think and deal with life in general.

This is going to sound a bit oblivious but I guess in a way, I have thought that Americans only come across as being more worked up about issues and life dilemmas because of the way they portray themselves on popular tv/culture etc, and that that is only the smallest portion of the truth. But I guess that perhaps I was off the mark, with both of you guys telling me differently.

Have definitely learnt something this week! :)

By the way, Del, I'm writing a thesis in vet- working on dog reproduction. I'm procrastinating big time from thesis-writing (as you can see) by going internet surfing as opposed to finishing up. Money runs out in August so I should get moving!! What about you? What do you do?

[Unregistered]

Representing the American side... I think there is some truth to the observation that we get worked up over things b/c of the portrayal of how life should be on tv or in popular culture (i.e. glamorous, rich and famous, happy relationships in mid-20s, etc.)

However, I also think it's reasonable to get worked up over college debt, paying for insurance, and generally worrying how you'll be able to afford to pay for things when you've been out of work for a year or more. (I don't know if you have a different system of paying for college over in Austrailia -- if there is more financial assistance available? But I'd say generally all Americans must take out loans and put themselves into at least some debt to get jobs that pay less per year than what 1 or 2 years of college cost.) Of course you'll get a job eventually and things will work out but it can be stressful and emotionally challenging to deal with these things when you're going through them. I think it sort of becomes you and consumes your life until it passes, you've dealt with it, and you can look back and say that "those were tough times, but I made it through OK." Maybe part of the relationship stress as well comes from wanting someone to share these experiences and make it through it with them by your side. Thoughts??

[Antonina]

In Australia, university students still usually end up with what's called a HECs debt, which can take a while to pay off, unless for some reason you were very well off in your undergraduate days and paid them up-front (very rare!). In which case, there is still then additional interest which accumulates over the years. I guess what we do have is a tiered pay-back system which basically deducts a difference percentage out of your pay-packet depending on how much you earn (ie. they take more if you earn more), so at least that ensures that no massive upfront payments are ever DEMANDED (you can voluntarily pay more back, but only you want to)-> possibly less stress?

I guess with the whole hollywood or American TV portrayal thing, maybe there is more pressure for Americans themselves to view what they see on the screen as a "yardstick" for what life is meant to be like than Aussies because the people on screen are their own? Whereas I think, for Aussies, we can kick back, watch it and go, "bah, that's American, nothing to do with us" and are thus much more able to apply a set of less rigid standards in general. Besides, I guess Aussies have always taken pride in doing the more relaxed thing (the "no worries, mate" stereotype) so we get to live up to that instead...

Thoughts, anyone?