duritz1976
04-16-2002, 06:34 PM
The strange thing about where I find myself now in life is that it’s nothing like I thought it would be....
Recently, my girlfriend of 6 years left me. Not too long before that, I lost my job of 5 years. You could say this is a tough time in my life. Losing the most important person in my life was and continues to be a terribly difficult thing to deal with on a day-to-day basis. It’s as if one of my lungs has been removed and yet I’m expected to run a marathon. Reminders surround me, no matter where I am. I know I will make it through this. I just do not know how to go about it. I want to be with her so badly… I love her so much. I think of good times and there she is…
Our relationship was never lacking in Love. In fact, that is the bond that had kept us together for so long and gotten us through so much. It’s this same Love that now makes it so hard to not be with her. She left mostly because of the actions –or rather inactions- that sprang from my own deep-rooted insecurities and the feeling inside me that I wasn’t “ready” for marriage. I hid behind the idea that I needed to wait until I felt financially secure enough to take care of a wife and a family. I told myself that if I could achieve certain financial goals, maybe then I would be ready to marry her, maybe then I would be responsible enough to commit to her the way I want to. I felt as if I couldn’t fully commit to her until I was ready to support a family the way I thought I should be able to. I felt for so long that I was waiting for some mysterious “thing” to happen in my life and that thing would be the signal that would tell me in no uncertain terms “okay, now you’re ready!" But what I had missed was the most obvious thing about real love: the thing I had been waiting for all along was right in front of me -it was her unfaltering, unconditional, and wholly committed love of me. That was the real sign. But I missed that. I was too busy immersing myself in my career, taking her for granted, and hiding behind the fears and insecurities I harbored inside. Finally, it came to a point where she could no longer listen to me, believe in my promises, or hear my pleas to stay. We began drifting apart. And after just over 6 years (the last 18 months of which we lived together), she left.
It’s been 4 months since she moved out (December). A lot has changed since then for us.
I have recently seen some things about myself that have changed my whole perspective on life. I have begun to see things more clearly, without the lens of fear clouding up every perspective I take. But more on this in a bit. Let’s talk about one of the other major issues in my life: Work.
Like so many other people in the United States right now, I have recently been laid off (especially in Oregon where the unemployment rate is at 8.9% -1st in the nation!!!). I worked for a large telecommunications company for 5 years, and tried very hard to succeed. I had moved from being an inexperienced sales rep when I was first hired, to a center-wide management position by the time I was laid off. After the last promotion, I felt like I was finally making things happen. It was a major milestone in my life. It was the one thing I could point to and say “Look! I worked hard and tried my best, and it paid off!!!” Then, one day, I got a call just after lunch instructing me to go to a meeting where our entire office of 114 people (along with about 6,500 other people around the country) was curtly told we were being closed down -effective immediately- and could we please have our personal effects removed from the building within the next 90 minutes!!!! To ad insult to injury, there were armed security guards inspecting our boxes and escorting us from the building “to prevent the loss of corporate secrets & property.” Wow. In the course of about 2 hours, my whole life had been flipped on its head. I felt lost, stunned, and shocked. After working so hard to make something happen and finally feeling like I was getting there, the carpet was pulled from underneath me. And even though I know in my head that I didn’t lose my job because of anything I could control, I could not help but take it personally.
I ask myself, where do I go from here? How do I start all over? Do I take a completely new tack on life and try something totally different? What should that be? What now?! Ahhh!!!!! :confused:
To top all of this off, the Lease to the place I was living was up and it was time to move out!
So, within a 3 month period, I was hit by 3 major events: I lost my job, I lost the Love of my life, and was moving to a totally new environment. It almost sounds like a country song some times, you know?
It seems like my entire world has collapsed around me. Everything I held of value is gone or changed. And until just recently, I felt as if it would never get better. I felt like nothing was going to change and I would never be ready to make anything work in my life. My time has been split between struggling daily to get by without my other half at my side, trying to figure out what to do about work (or maybe finishing my degree too?), and adjusting to my new living situation.
And yet, from all of this, I have grown. I have realized some things about life, and myself, that I did not see before. I realize that this is one of those very rare opportunities to –in some sense- start life over again. I realized that I have the strength and courage to make it through any situation and to do it well! It’s all up to me; I just need to DO IT!!!! I thought for so long that I had to be “ready” to face all of life’s major challenges and opportunities. But I have realized that I am ready to face these things right Now. I am not afraid anymore because I can see that I have all the tools I need to succeed -and the ones I don’t have, I will get along the way. I can make a marriage work, I can be a great father, and I can be a good husband. I can get work or go back to school –or do both! It’s best summed in something I read recently which says: “Follow your own path, and you will never be lost.” Talk about an empowering statement!
As I said earlier, the love between Sarah & I was never the problem. It was my inability to fully commit to her and look past my own fears that had stopped forward motion in our relationship. The lack of progress, and my constant unfulfilled promises to do something to the contrary finally drove her to leave.
But now, I know I am ready to face life. I am not afraid any more. This is not to say I am not a little nervous about what lies ahead, but I do know that I can make it. That is such a liberating and life-changing realization!!! But, I also fear that for the person I love above all- I am probably too late; that I might have missed my only chance to make it work with her. But I do not want to give up! Not now that I feel so convicted in these feelings that I am a new person! I feel good about who I am because I feel like I am beginning to really understand who I am, and make the changes where I need to. I also realized that I can and want to change and grow with her at my side, not at the cost of her! I want to share my life with her!!! I guess time will tell.
Next week I will be 26 years old. Already!? Needless to say, life for me is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought by now I would have everything pretty much settled & figured out; a clear track laid out ahead, you know?
But I realized that the path of life only goes as far as I do.
In other words, if I want more of my life, then I need to go get it instead of waiting for it to meet me halfway.
Recently, my girlfriend of 6 years left me. Not too long before that, I lost my job of 5 years. You could say this is a tough time in my life. Losing the most important person in my life was and continues to be a terribly difficult thing to deal with on a day-to-day basis. It’s as if one of my lungs has been removed and yet I’m expected to run a marathon. Reminders surround me, no matter where I am. I know I will make it through this. I just do not know how to go about it. I want to be with her so badly… I love her so much. I think of good times and there she is…
Our relationship was never lacking in Love. In fact, that is the bond that had kept us together for so long and gotten us through so much. It’s this same Love that now makes it so hard to not be with her. She left mostly because of the actions –or rather inactions- that sprang from my own deep-rooted insecurities and the feeling inside me that I wasn’t “ready” for marriage. I hid behind the idea that I needed to wait until I felt financially secure enough to take care of a wife and a family. I told myself that if I could achieve certain financial goals, maybe then I would be ready to marry her, maybe then I would be responsible enough to commit to her the way I want to. I felt as if I couldn’t fully commit to her until I was ready to support a family the way I thought I should be able to. I felt for so long that I was waiting for some mysterious “thing” to happen in my life and that thing would be the signal that would tell me in no uncertain terms “okay, now you’re ready!" But what I had missed was the most obvious thing about real love: the thing I had been waiting for all along was right in front of me -it was her unfaltering, unconditional, and wholly committed love of me. That was the real sign. But I missed that. I was too busy immersing myself in my career, taking her for granted, and hiding behind the fears and insecurities I harbored inside. Finally, it came to a point where she could no longer listen to me, believe in my promises, or hear my pleas to stay. We began drifting apart. And after just over 6 years (the last 18 months of which we lived together), she left.
It’s been 4 months since she moved out (December). A lot has changed since then for us.
I have recently seen some things about myself that have changed my whole perspective on life. I have begun to see things more clearly, without the lens of fear clouding up every perspective I take. But more on this in a bit. Let’s talk about one of the other major issues in my life: Work.
Like so many other people in the United States right now, I have recently been laid off (especially in Oregon where the unemployment rate is at 8.9% -1st in the nation!!!). I worked for a large telecommunications company for 5 years, and tried very hard to succeed. I had moved from being an inexperienced sales rep when I was first hired, to a center-wide management position by the time I was laid off. After the last promotion, I felt like I was finally making things happen. It was a major milestone in my life. It was the one thing I could point to and say “Look! I worked hard and tried my best, and it paid off!!!” Then, one day, I got a call just after lunch instructing me to go to a meeting where our entire office of 114 people (along with about 6,500 other people around the country) was curtly told we were being closed down -effective immediately- and could we please have our personal effects removed from the building within the next 90 minutes!!!! To ad insult to injury, there were armed security guards inspecting our boxes and escorting us from the building “to prevent the loss of corporate secrets & property.” Wow. In the course of about 2 hours, my whole life had been flipped on its head. I felt lost, stunned, and shocked. After working so hard to make something happen and finally feeling like I was getting there, the carpet was pulled from underneath me. And even though I know in my head that I didn’t lose my job because of anything I could control, I could not help but take it personally.
I ask myself, where do I go from here? How do I start all over? Do I take a completely new tack on life and try something totally different? What should that be? What now?! Ahhh!!!!! :confused:
To top all of this off, the Lease to the place I was living was up and it was time to move out!
So, within a 3 month period, I was hit by 3 major events: I lost my job, I lost the Love of my life, and was moving to a totally new environment. It almost sounds like a country song some times, you know?
It seems like my entire world has collapsed around me. Everything I held of value is gone or changed. And until just recently, I felt as if it would never get better. I felt like nothing was going to change and I would never be ready to make anything work in my life. My time has been split between struggling daily to get by without my other half at my side, trying to figure out what to do about work (or maybe finishing my degree too?), and adjusting to my new living situation.
And yet, from all of this, I have grown. I have realized some things about life, and myself, that I did not see before. I realize that this is one of those very rare opportunities to –in some sense- start life over again. I realized that I have the strength and courage to make it through any situation and to do it well! It’s all up to me; I just need to DO IT!!!! I thought for so long that I had to be “ready” to face all of life’s major challenges and opportunities. But I have realized that I am ready to face these things right Now. I am not afraid anymore because I can see that I have all the tools I need to succeed -and the ones I don’t have, I will get along the way. I can make a marriage work, I can be a great father, and I can be a good husband. I can get work or go back to school –or do both! It’s best summed in something I read recently which says: “Follow your own path, and you will never be lost.” Talk about an empowering statement!
As I said earlier, the love between Sarah & I was never the problem. It was my inability to fully commit to her and look past my own fears that had stopped forward motion in our relationship. The lack of progress, and my constant unfulfilled promises to do something to the contrary finally drove her to leave.
But now, I know I am ready to face life. I am not afraid any more. This is not to say I am not a little nervous about what lies ahead, but I do know that I can make it. That is such a liberating and life-changing realization!!! But, I also fear that for the person I love above all- I am probably too late; that I might have missed my only chance to make it work with her. But I do not want to give up! Not now that I feel so convicted in these feelings that I am a new person! I feel good about who I am because I feel like I am beginning to really understand who I am, and make the changes where I need to. I also realized that I can and want to change and grow with her at my side, not at the cost of her! I want to share my life with her!!! I guess time will tell.
Next week I will be 26 years old. Already!? Needless to say, life for me is nothing like I thought it would be. I thought by now I would have everything pretty much settled & figured out; a clear track laid out ahead, you know?
But I realized that the path of life only goes as far as I do.
In other words, if I want more of my life, then I need to go get it instead of waiting for it to meet me halfway.